<p>BHG, my MIL does not hear from us very frequently. Why call when all you are going to hear is “Why don’t you call?” which is ironic because I AM CALLING YOU NOW! It is just not worth it to go through the nagging and it makes calling a duty, not a pleasure. OTOH, H’s grandmother hears from us every Sunday because she never nags, always has an off-color joke for us, and is just fun to chat with. I don’t know if these scenarios apply to you, I am just relating my experience.</p>
<p>I also remember being a young mother and having to decide between taking a shower, reading the newspaper, or taking a desperately needed nap before the baby woke up. (My first kid didn’t sleep through the night until more than one year old.) Writing an e-mail would have been the last thing on my list, as would trying to deal with my own mother’s feelings at the time. BUT, I would have loved the ability to send my parents photos of my kid with the ease at which it’s now possible – either webcam or e-mailing photos. How about trying to make it as easy as possible for her to share her baby’s little triumphs with you, by letting her know you’d just be thrilled to get pictures and that you know she’ll talk to you more when she gets time. Offering to give her a webcam or making sure you can open the photos she e-mails would be a great step. A cell phone plan with unlimited long distance is another idea for her. Then, let her know you’d love to hear about the baby whenever she has time, but you know her first priority at the moment may be sleep.
That daughter of mine who wouldn’t sleep through the night is now 24 and living with a boyfriend she knows worries us a lot. I have discovered that when I back off, she’s the one who then feels the need to make contact, just to say hi and talk about something that just happened to her. I’m sure your daughter also does not want to lose contact with you, but is feeling tremendous pressures and demands in her life right now from new husband, new town, new baby, new in-laws. Gosh, that’s a lot. If you are the person in her life who is not pressuring her, but just always there, willing to share her joy about what the baby’s doing, I bet she will be the one who will re-establish contact. None of us can resist sharing stories about our kids and there are only so many people in the world willing to listen, right?</p>
<p>I haven’t lived at home since I was 17 and I see pulling away from parents as a very healthy step.</p>
<p>Although I still have a 15 yr old at home- she has never been a communicative child, and it isn’t changing as she gets older, although this year is the first year that she has sent a letter home from camp ( I had sent two packages & she has been going to camp for at least two weeks since she was 9- I even send her with self addressed stamped envelopes but this is the first year she sent one back… to us) It was 4 sentences- telling us her horse’s name and asking about our dog ;)</p>
<p>I hope that I would be very happy that my children had partners with supportive inlaws, having had to raise my kids without it, I know how rare that is. I also hope that if I was getting signals from my kids that I was involving myself too much in their lives, that I wouldn’t look to their life to fulfill my own, but I would look for other places to expend my time and energy and allow them to come to me for assistance if they wanted and needed it.
I think vacationing with the kids is a great idea. I have a brother and a sister and havent vacationed with them since I was 13. I don’t really get along with them to socialize now, but a vacation similar to a friends where they were celebrating their parents 50th anniv, would give us something else to focus on, besides our differences of opinion.
However, my brother apparently has a crush on his wifes twin sister, so he likes to vacation visiting her 
and my sister always spends their vacations visiting Mormon temples, so a shared vacation hasn’t even come up let alone planned.
Writing letters to the baby is another fantastic idea. You obviously have a lot you want to get out, and even if you don’t mail them, I think they could be very useful-
We are sponsoring several kids in a village in Bolivia and while I have little Espanol, it is fun to write letters, especially to younger kids than are in my family</p>
<p>Backhand!!!, I don’t think I’m nuts and I don’t think most kids have a focus on insurance. How pathetic for any who do. I really think it’s very simple, kids will want to be in their parent’s lives to the degree it is pleasant for them. I love my mom so much that I want to hear her voice, her bad jokes, her unconditional love which included her telling me how beautiful I am on days when I have zits covering my face. She never makes me feel like I owe her a call or anything else. We don’t need to talk to communicate. At 17, I still enjoy just touching and laying my head in her lap. She is home. She jokes about spoiling my kids rotten and I know they will love her to death. She’s all positive, no guilt and no expectations. She encourages me to take on the world. She is the one who told me to consider Europe for college and who sent me off to summer camp early. She wants me to be me. The irony is that kind of mother is the one you want around always.</p>
<p>It’s hard to believe in this day and age you had expectations of your daughter and grandchildren being at the center of your life. Your thread that tells parents not to let their kids leave for college is scary, and posters have been very subtle, but somewhat out there in telling you how inappropriate that is. The problem is your’s backhand, your daughter is just a normal woman growing up and you seem to not have made a life for yourself.</p>
<p>Suze; my daughter calls once in two weeks and she is not herself, or as I knew her for 22 years.I’ve been a very good mother to her. Now she is moving into her mother in law’s house only because her hus wants her to.Hello Suze, I’m hurt.</p>
<p>Suze; you miss my sarcasm. You and I, we can’t talk. Have a nice day.</p>
<p>Backhand, I really don’t belittle that you’re hurt. I guess I’d just like you to examine if that’s a productive way to be feeling. As a daughter to a mother, let me seriously tell you that we all want a great mom. A great mom can only be a plus in our lives. But again, seriously, I’ll tell you that very few of my friends consider their mom a great plus because many are always coming down on them and questioning their decisions. I honestly believe the way for both you and your daughter to win here is for you to stop questioning why she has decided to do the things she is doing. She is an adult with a husband and a child and for you to think she’s being manipulated by husband or mother in law will get you nowhere, or to where you are, anyway.</p>
<p>My mom always tells me my mistakes are mine to make.The reverse psychology works well.A mother is like anyone else we crave to have in our lives or not. I’m emotional about this being home with my mom now because I’ve realized I blow my friend off to spend nights with her. It’s all about choice bankhand, who brings the most joy into our lives? We’re pretty simple beings and go in the direction of what feels good.So stop anyalzing what her husband and mother in law are doing to corrupt her and just be a happy mom to be around!!!</p>
<p>I have two boys in college. One e-mails when he needs money. The other, I sent him an e-mail not so very long ago, and he sent me back a link to an article which said that e-mailing and the internet in general makes people stupid. When I e-mail them, I’ve learned to keep it very short and ask maybe one really specific question like, “so, did you get that tutoring job?” That way I have about a 50% chance that I’ll get a response. Maybe I could up the odds if I e-mailed, "so, did you get that check I sent you? (without having actually sent anything, hee hee, it’s an idea . . . Hey, I do no what it is like to be desperate for a little communication!) </p>
<p>So, no, obviously, I don’t have much luck with e-mails here! (Maybe that’s why I come to CC, 'cuz I get a better response HERE!) I have three girls also. We’ll see if it is any better communicating when they are in college. I know some people whose college kids call them EVERY DAY! Wow. Funny thing, though, the boys, esp. one of them, seem to get really irritated if they call or e-mail and don’t get an immediate reply from us! :)</p>
<p>BHG, I’ve found two threads here from you about how terribly frustrated/hurt/sad you are that your daughter is moving away from you and going to live with her husband’s parents, whom you perceive as thereby getting the better deal.</p>
<p>But they really don’t have the better deal. They may be the g’parents you get to see the baby every day–but you’ll get to be the g’parents whom the kids vacation with. The “fun” grandparents. The ones who take them away for a week or two to someplace really cool. The ones who enforce no discipline at all.</p>
<p>When our kids were little, my husband’s parents–who were very disappointed that we didn’t live closer–would make the huge effort to come to us, then take both kids for a week or more. The kids loved it. We loved it. Every noisy, obnoxious toy lived at Grandma’s. And my husband and I would get a week alone to fall in love all over again.</p>
<p>(My mother, OTOH, would demand that I come to her, with the kids. God, I hated those flights and those visits. Constant criticism. The kids never behaved well enough for her.)</p>
<p>grandparents are really funny
My maternal grandmother- had only one child- I htink because she didn’t really like kids or mess ( and s-e-x involves a lot of mess)
Pretty formal grandma, but we had a common enemy- my mother- and she was a good friend
When my oldest was born, she spent a great deal of time over at great grandma & pas, grandpa got to use her as an excuse to go up and see the neighbors dogs, or to take her to the park and teach her to throw.
Ill never forget one afternoon when I cam to pick D up, to find her playing on the floor with grandmas Hummels from wwII ( she was 3)
Grandma didn’t care- cause it was D :)</p>
<p>Nice story.
No I didn’t mean for this thread to degerate into more whining. I do enjoy hearing I’m not the only one whose older kids don’t communicate with too often. At any rate, time to put both threads to rest. Adios.</p>
<p>BHG
As the mom of an ONLY, I do feel for you. Actually sent a e-mail poster “dead or alive” on it, with picture and description. That did get a 5 word response.
I also asked about summer vacation plans. When no reply forthcoming, I just let go. his loss. my hurt. His are always the first e-mails I open</p>
<p>On the other hand, I work with troubled teens. Those parents would give anything to see their DTR a college grad, married, and with a baby. Commiserate here all you want</p>
<p>
Eloquent, wise and so true. Thanks, Mr. B.</p>
<p>Backhandgrip, when someone takes one step back from you, consider responding by taking two steps back in answer. Causes the other person to move forward to close the distance. Might not work for everyone, but I give mine LOTS of space, I never call unless requested to do so, and almost never initiate email. She’s very independent minded, and so this works for us and ensures I get lots of contact. Also, I make sure I can fly anywhere just about any time - this way we get to be in lots of cities together at the same time, and do things together. But she initiates 99% of our contact - but if I started emailing or calling her, the ratio would reverse. </p>
<p>It also helps if you get into some new, interesting activities of your own. Not saying you’re not a fun, interesting person - but if you try something new in your life - maybe a class you’ve always wanted to take, or a sport you’ve always wanted to try - or maybe several new things, you’ll be happier, busier, and more fun to interact with. </p>
<p>They can’t miss us if we don’t “go away”.</p>
<p>I guess the next bestseller will be "The Rules " for parents, how to play hard to get. Am I the only one thinking there is a lot of scary dysfunction going on?</p>
<p>Mr. B’s comment is a variation on a quote that goes something like this: “When I was 17 I thought my father was a moron. When I was 27 I was surprised at how much he had learned.” Anyone know the source and original form?</p>
<p>I thought that was Mark Twain about going off to college and being surprised at how much the old man learned in four years.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t be surprised if you found a similar sentiment in pictographs in cave paintings in northern Spain and southern France.</p>
<p>BHG: I find myself wondering if your daughter could be suffering from post-partum depression? Also, I think you need to enlist your D’s MIL to help you with this (however hard that may be)–she’s the one who’ll have the time to send you pictures and notes.</p>
<p>I have told this story before- but I think it is illustrative of how kids are pretty wrapped up in their own lives and forget about us here stateside.
A friend of my daughters was teaching school ( when he was 21)on a very remote island- so remote you had to go to the next island to use telegraph or phone
His mother had not heard from him for a really long time and she was getting worried. She had a friend who happend to be a navy admiral and finally asked him if he was in the area, if he could get her son to call.
He finally did after a visit from teh admiral- whinging "mommm- whadcha have to do that for ! "
lol</p>
<p>from a website for Mark Twain…</p>
<br>
<br>