Anyone feeling the love? (please grade my essay)

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Done in 16 minutes before a full length practice SAT exam. It was completely 2 pages full. Have not edited or changed it at all.</p>

<p>** Is conscience a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power? **</p>

<p>* The conscience is often a more influential force than the selfish desires for money, fame, and power. As demonstrated in The Good Earth and by the reactions to the Japanese Meltdown crisis by the Prime Minister, scientists, and even pop culture legend, Rebecca Black, it is clear that in many cases, people are driven by their intrinsic morals rather than the hope for materialistic gain.</p>

<pre><code> In Pearl S. Buck’s The Good Earth,the protagonist, Wang Lung, quickly evolves from a penniless farmer to an affluent aristocrat. He begins to partake in several sexual liaisons and becomes a habitual opium user. However, he soon realizes the detrimental effects of his opulence and selfishness on his family and those around him. Motivated by his conscience, Wang Lung ignores his desire for wealth and fame and returns to a simple, agrarian life. In choosing and austere, poor life as a farmer, he submitted to the influence of his conscience and not his Earthly desires.

Another demonstration of such selfless sacrifice can be observed by the responses to a recent tragedy in Japan. In April of 2011, the country of Japan was struck by an incredible earthquake that caused immense, widespread damage. A nuclear reactor, in particular, was hit, causing a sever nuclear meltdown. Harmful radiation flowed out of the reactor. Cognizant of this grim reality, the workers of the ***ushima plant still decided to stay at the reactor to try to alleviate the situation. These scientists selflessly chose to sacrifice their own health to help save their fellow countrymen. Naoto Kan, the Japanese Prime Minister, chose to freeze his salary for the next two years. Honorably choosing respect for his country over material wealth, he undoubtedly was swayed by his conscience.

At the same time as the Japanese catastrophe, a young 13 yeard old American girl was quickly becoming a pop legend. Her song “Friday” earned millions of hits on Youtube and millions more in purchases on iTunes. Instead of pocketing the sudden profit, she chose to donate all her earnings to the relief effort in Japan. She did not succumb to the attractive prospect of wealth. Instead, she was motivated by her conscience to commit the altruistic act of donating her profits to charity.
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<p>It is true that the alluring force of money and fame is often very strong and compelling. Certain humans will always fall for the desire of materialistic gains. However, it is also true that the inner voice is often a more prevalent force. After examining the plot of The Good Earth and the response to the Japanese Earthquake crisis, it is clear that conscience can be a more compelling power than any amount of money, fame, or power.*</p>

<p>Scoring and criticism is welcomed!</p>

<p>Thanks.</p>

2

<p>I would give it a 6/6! Although it is not perfect, you stated your position without wasting time in the introduction, provided 3 examples (you forgot to include Rebecca Black in your conclusion though), addressed the opposing side, and proved your point.</p>

<p>I suggest you use the remaining time to edit your essay because there are some grammatical errors and misspelled words that threw me off a little!</p>

<p>The second example could’ve been clearer. I think you could’ve elaborated a little more on the Prime Minister of Japan and why he chose to freeze his salary. You implied the reason but it’s better to state it directly in your essay.</p>

<p>Good job including Rebecca Black LOL!</p>

3

<p>Thanks for the input and yeah i should have gone back and checked over. I tend to make many mistakes with spelling and homonyms and such.</p>

4

<p>Sorry, I would give it a four. Some of your SAT words are not quite on the mark which makes it clear that you are trying to impress. The first example sounds “practiced” and forced to fit the question. Your best example was the YouTube example because although simplistic it was the clearest. You definitely need to leave a few minutes to proof (e.g., “and” instead of “an” etc.). P.S. I am an ex-teacher and professional editor with credentials similar to your actual graders. It is clear that you can get a 6/12 tomorrow if you are clear and careful. You definitely have the ability! Good luck.</p>

5

<p>A 4/12? Teacher or professional editor, you have no idea what you’re talking about</p>

<p>This essay is one of the best I’ve ever read, it’s is undoubtedly an 11/12 in my opinion, MAYBE a 10 if you get a really harsh grader</p>

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<p>@rayankees94: I think LastOne2012 is saying 4 out of 6, not 4 out of 12. 4 out of 12 is beyond harsh; it’s just unimaginably cruel.</p>

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<p>That’s what I thought at first, but note that he said, “It is clear that you can get a 6/12 tomorrow if you are clear and careful. You definitely have the ability!”</p>

<p>Unless that’s a typo, he’s implying that if FlamingMango is CLEAR, then he can get a 6/12 (3/6), which would suggest that this essay which he finds flaws with would be a 4/12 in his book. He might have meant a 6/6 and typed it wrong, but I still think a 4/6 on this is very harsh, especially if you look at the essay examples the college board usually puts up</p>

8

<p>Sorry, I meant 4 from each grader or an 8 overall. Not being harsh. I think the writer has tremendous potential and if he or she doesn’t try to fit prepared material into the prompt it will come out clearer and easily earn the 5 or 6 or 10-12 overall. I’ve seen many similar essays earn those scores. It all depends on the graders. Although they are all trying to grade the same, they certainly have biases because they are human. I hope you all do well. But the poster wanted constructive criticism which is what I offered.</p>

9

<p>In that case that is reasonable, I still personally think this essay was a 10+, based on some scored essays I’ve seen, but it is all very subjective</p>

10

<p>Well i wrote a much much much worse essay in Dec and still got a 10. I had two garbage examples, using louis pasteur and firefighters as heroes, and i used really simple language. If your telling me this deserves an 8, then i’d hate to see what you would have given my dec essay.</p>

11

<p>FlamingMango- please understand that I did not say “use simple language”. Use clear, natural language in a mature way and make sure the word precisely matches what you are trying to say. While your SAT words were all good they were slightly “off” from your true intent making them seem contrived. I think you will do great today!!! I hope you earn the 11 or 12 you hope for. Good luck!</p>

12

<p>I would give you a 10; the only thing lacking was clarity in certain areas. But a 10 is good!</p>

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<p>Well it doesn’t really matter now haha. Took SAT yesterday for the last time. Im expecting a -0-1 on MC, so any double digit essay score will be perfect for me.</p>

<p>Thanks for input guys, I think my actual essay yesterday was better than this one. I polished it better, made it clearer and focused. Used less examples but developed them more. </p>

<p>Its all subjective anyway, praying for nice graders.</p>