<p>Agree with 3bm103 and everyone else who said the same thing – if you invite someone, you pay. Have read many Etiquette Columns about this recently – it must be cropping up more. If it’s less of an “invitation” and more of a “let’s get together and go to/do X,” then agreeing to split the cost is OK, IMO. Shaking down girls at a sleepover for pizza $$ is beyond ridiculous!</p>
<p>We were invited to a suprise 30th anniversary party given by the children of our friends. The kids had rented a room at a local restaurant and covered that as well as wine for the entire time and a big cake. Guests were given a special limited menu for dinner and that was on us. We did know ahead of time that we would be paying for our own dinner so it was not a problem. I was just really impressed that the kids (young adults) had gone to so much trouble for their parents.</p>
<p>Kathie, that is very sweet. If I were invited to that evening I would not have had a problem. If I were invited and then told that I needed to pay for my dinner after I accepted an invitation, or worse, if I were billed for my dinner that evening without knowing, it would have bothered me.</p>
<p>3bm103, I agree with you. When we invited a child on occasion we paid. My younger son had a very close friend and they did little things together weekly. For example, the parent of the friend would pick them up from elementary school and take them to lunch weekly. I gave my son money for that. I did not expect the other parent to buy my kid lunch every week. I always asked how much I owed when other parents took my kids. I thought that I was being polite and considerate. Sometimes they told me not to worry about it, and other times they were happy that I offered to pay my son’s tab, and whatever they decided was fine with me.</p>
<p>Just my 2 cents here but as a professional business, we often charge for events, if even a token fee. This guarantees that people will show up. Too often, people will commit to coming, then change their minds at the last minute, sticking us with a lot of extra costs. </p>
<p>This has also happened to us personally when we have invited people to events. So in defense of the couple, they do not want to be stuck with paying for unused tickets. And $39 really adds up when you multiply it by 10 or 20. The only mistake they made was not making it clear ahead of time when the invitation was extended. Sounds like they really wanted you there, but didn’t think through how the invitation was worded.</p>
<p>My experience is that this is a fairly common practice among younger (within five-six year of graduating college) singles. Whenever a friend had a birthday, we would all go out to dinner to celebrate and we would pay for our portion of the bill with all of the attendees splitting the cost of the birthday girl/boy’s dinner. Afterwards, we would usually go out for drinks with each of us rotating buying rounds of drinks. </p>
<p>Today, we still sometimes celebrate birthdays in this manner, but since splitting the bill is understood, there are no surprises when the check comes. Granted, this is all in Manhattan and things are quite expensive. I don’t have a problem paying my own way.</p>
<p>I would only think this was unusual if I was invited over to someone’s home and then asked to pay for something. That would seem odd to me.</p>
<p>sallyawp, I agree, but this is a successful couple. The husband is in his late 40’s. Also, in case you missed it in one of my posts, we recently had a birthday celebration and we paid for this couple. They never offered to pay a dime, nor would we have expected them to do so. This adds to the weirdness IMO. </p>
<p>AnyMom99, I agree it would be more than annoying if they were to purchase tickets and we did not show up. Frankly, in that situation, and it would take an illness or emergency, I would reimburse them for the tickets and call to apologize and explain. We hosted a major party about 5 years ago. There was one couple that could not make it. They called and apologized and they sent a very nice gift. Things happen. That’s life.</p>
<p>I think the confusion comes from the kind of thing that sallyawp is referring to. The difference there is that it’s a group of people who are deciding among themselves to go out to dinner, not really a host-invitation situation. Among my group of friends we do this all the time for one another’s birthdays, too, but we ALL organize together and decide where we will go as a group. Not the case in northeastmom’s situation. </p>
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<p>roshke, I agree with you. </p>
<p>My mother has a regular group of women that she gets together with for a common interest every week. When it is someone’s birthday in that group, they take that person out and everyone else pays an equal share. They all decide together where they are going to go. There isn’t one person hosting a party. She has been invited for a holiday party to some of their homes. In that case, the hostess has never asked for anyone to chip in, although they are all senior citizens and some are on tight budgets. I think in that case it is okay for a hostess to say that she is going to make a holiday meal, but she would appreciate it if everyone could chip in a little bit of money. At least the hostess is not inviting and then once one accepts saying, oh and I will need $xyz from each of you. Also, as a widow, when some other elderly person gets the energy to cook for a group for something like New Years, their friends really appreciate it and would gladly chip in. They know that the hostess is really putting themselves all out, which is not so easy at that age. Also, they are not left home alone for the holiday. The few dollars in that case is little to ask.</p>
<p>Recently, a student from my alma mater got in touch with me and we decided to meet for lunch. She wanted some information on my profession, but ultimately wanted to see if I could help her get a job. I picked the restaurant and I had every intention of paying for the lunch. It bothered me that the student made no attempt to pay, and only sent me a thank-you email days later when she needed more information from me. I have not responded.</p>
<p>We always pay whenever our kids’ friends are with us on any outings. We did stop paying when it’s a “lets go to a movie” or “lets meet for lunch,” once they were in middle school. Our kids used their own allowance for get togethers like that.</p>
<p>A funny thing did happen to my younger daughter. Her whole class was invited to a girl’s house for a semi-formal birthday party that started at 7:30pm. Everyone assumed there would be a large spread of food, but the only thing offered was cake and drinks. All of those kids had cell phone, so they ordered pizza to be delivered. I think those kids were prepared to pay, but the host was probably just a bit embarrassed (money was not an issue with this family).</p>
<p>A number of years ago,one of my sister in law arranged a restaurant party for her mothers birthday ( a special # but I cant remember which one…60 or 65?)
Guest list and menus were discussed,but no other sibling helped decide on the arrangement location,etc.The idea was all hers…
Only much later on in the process did she bring up the fact that she expected each sibling to share in the expense,including covering the extra guests she wanted there.It was quite a jolt at the time as it was not a small amount of $$ and it was pretty last minute,as if she was embarrassed to ask.
We paid, but it was hard feelings all around for awhile.
If she had asked, I would have offered my house for the party and we could have split food costs.</p>
<p>^^^ We had a similar situation a few years ago, but the party was to be in a relative’s home. Another relative confronted her, because she was going to “fly in food” and justified by saying the person who had the BD would like it. They cancelled the “fly the food” in idea, and the party was nicely done without everyone chipping in a couple of hundred dollars. The fly in idea, and the actual party turned out not to be the hostess’s idea in the first place. It was the idea of another relative who was pressuring her to do this.</p>
<p>THis reminds me of the whole cash bar business at weddings. To me it seems inhospitable to expect people to fork out $$ when they’ve been extended an invitation. If mixed drinks are too expensive for the couple to afford for their guests, don’t have them available at all. (IMHO!) Just offer what you think you CAN afford and leave it at that.</p>
<p>dke, Exactly! What annoys me even more is that the person who we are celebrating will not know that we paid our way!</p>
<p>I would not have a problem with the situation except for the annoyance that the payment was not made clear up front. Still, you could still back out if you don’t want to go. I think the person took a chance doing that as s/he could offend some people who would back out and also those who feel it is not in the budget to pay. I had this problem once with one of my kids who did not make it clear that everyone had to pay his way on something. It was possible it was my kid’s fault. Just asked for our permission to attend which was granted and then the hand was outstretched for the money as he went out the door. I remember being irritated that this was not made clear that payment was needed from us, as it was not a small amount.</p>
<p>This is not quite the same thing, but one time I was going to a presentation a friend of mine was putting on and one of my other friends asked me if I wanted to ride with him. Then, the day of the presentation, he asked me to bring gas money. Then he told me how much gas money he wanted, and it was more than it would have cost for him to go there - so we weren’t even splitting gas, I was paying it all, plus more.</p>
<p>My kids friends seem to have done away with invitations to things. Some of the grad parties and sweet 16s, birthdays did not have any “paper”. A few times it turned out that money was involved that was not communicated till the last minute. </p>
<p>Though formal etiquiette says that those who throw a party should pay for it, I don’t see a problem if there is charge or a request to bring food or something as long as it is up front. I think that you reserve the right to back out if you don’t feel like paying up. $39 is one thing but some theatre tickets can run in the 3 figures, plus may involve other expenses that are out of budget range. </p>
<p>I remember one time there was a brush up when a bunch of us went out for lunch at a pricey restaurant. Someone made the decision that we would split the bill equally. One of the women had been frugal, drinking water and ordering a small salad, and she firmly refused. It is rude to put people on the spot that way.</p>
<p>The issue of splitting restaurant bills reminds me of something that happened repeatedly to H and I when we were starting out and had a small child, just bought a house and money was tight. We’d go out to dinner with his co-workers, many of them senior in age and bank account. We wouldn’t drink alcohol and chose less expensive entrees only to find that the ‘group’ decides to split the bill evenly - after all, it’s easier that way. It became clear that the appetizers, drinks and desserts that seemed beyond what one would normally eat were being fueled by this practice. I started to stay home because it was too expensive. Finally, H announced when bill was presented at one of these dinners: “I didn’t drink, have appetizers and ordered “X”. Here’s my contribution with tip” and put his money on the table. I still can’t get over how thoughtless this was of his colleagues and that he might not have done himself any favors by dealing with it the way he did. (I thought his solution was perfect. If they were blind to the problem, sometimes you need to be blunt.</p>
<p>D has had some of these birthday invitations from friends. “We’re going to such and such a place for my birthday” and she would show up with a gift and only when the bill came realize she was paying for herself and a portion of the birthday girl’s. Luckily she had money on her. She’s learned not to bring a gift for certain invitations. I think it’s awful. There’s no reason a group of friends can’t get together for a meal and each pay her own way, but why would you advertise a birthday and invite people to pay for you?</p>
<p>I always expect to split the bill equally when I go out to dinner with people. I was at a dinner with people I didn’t know very well one time, when the bill came they were doing 12th grade calculus at the table to figure what each person owed. The whole restaurant was staring at us. I ended up picking up the bill and asking everyone to pay me later. It is a very American way to have everyone pay their own way.</p>
<p>Re Oldfort’s comment #38: I now have no problem with such an arrangement, even if the other guy orders Dom Perignon (I just make sure to get a glass of it), but I did years back in my school days. I think that some people still are frugal at restaurants (I know people who never order soft drinks, certainly not alcohol, or even coffee or tea – to keep the bill down.) I myself never order expensive champagne, least of all when I go out with others, but I think some people may do this when the bill will be split up (ordering a lot of courses etc.)</p>
<p>This reminds me of when my husband was invited to a neighborhood poker game and then when he arrived was asked to pony up for the beer. Considering that the host was a major player on Wall st he thought it was particularly cheap!</p>