I know this is College Confidential, but I hope as a high schooler, I can post in (and be taken seriously) in the Parent Cafe. I really need some advice from some adults who have been through situations involving bad friends multiple times.
Thanks for your answers in advance.
Well I have more year till I’m out of high school and leave for college. There is this very rude girl in my grade who constantly insults everyone and she seems to always single me out. She like to pick on those who she feels are “below” her and I guess she has developed a superiority complex towards me. I was talking to her about where I would apply to school and she told me that she was applying to lots of music conservatories and most of the Ivy’s. And I wished her the best of luck. Then I told her where I was planning on applying (UC’s and some top schools) and she straight up said to me "I’ve been working on my arts supplement forever and I have a really good chance at Stanford, but I think I’ll pick Julliard.You aren’t smart enough to get into any of those top schools. I don’t think any good UC schools will accept you, but good luck! "
She actually told me that I was going to basically get rejected everywhere… I’ve always treated her with respect and I’m not the type of girl who says things about her classmates behind their backs (except the occasional frustrated rant to my parents).
Because this is my senior year, I am going to audition for this really good music group near near where I live and my music teacher actually announced it to our entire class. Then afterschool, I heard her telling the people around her that I wasn’t going to make it in because the music group is hard. She said that she didn’t get in, so I essentially stood no chance…
I honestly don’t know what her problem is. I’ve never been rude to her, even though the entire school despises her and her superiority complex. Lots of people have been telling me that she talks trash about me behind my back. She’s called me a B word, she’s said that I suck at music and academics (pretty ironic because she’s failing 2 classes), etc. I’m really annoyed and I really hope I make it in the music group so I can prove her wrong. Should I do anything about this? It’s been 2 weeks and multiple people have told me that she’s bashing me… It’s the last year of high school and I hate drama. How can I get her to stop this without stirring up trouble??
Thanks! Any opinions and recommendations are helpful!
It sounds like she’s jealous. You can’t stop her. All you can do is quit feeding her drama frenzy. If other people bring up comments she’s made about you, tell them you’re not interested in hearing them. This girl isn’t your friend. You’d be better off putting some distance between you.
Ignore her, some people try to bring others down to make themselves feel better. If she confronts you directly just smile and nod, do not get sucked into her drama.
You can’t control what another person does/says/feels but you can control your behavior.
Try to avoid this monster.
Don’t give her any personal information that she can use/abuse. She needs your information to bash you, so don’t give her anything! She’s picking on you because you are her competition and she can’t stand that.
When she asks you where you got in (and she will), you just respond with: “oh, I’m still waiting to hear, I’m sure you got into your schools”. In other words, turn it back on her. She craves adulation and power that’s why she’s trying to put you down with her jealousies. If you don’t “know” where you got in “Yet”, how can she use that? I’m sure she’ll try.
You don’t need her friendship or attention, but she needs you to get an audience.
She’s very tragic. I’ve told my kids: What kind of life do people, like this, have, that everyday they are miserable?
Ignore her. Take the high road and everyone will be on your side (it seems like they already are). Do not get sucked into her whirlpool of drama, because that’s what she wants.
If she asks you questions about where you applied, how did your audition go etc. just ignore her. You are not obligated to answer her questions. If she gets in your face, report her, but do not rise to her baiting. I find the best way to deal with people like her is pretend they don’t exist. She’ll get the message before long.
I agree with everyone above (ignore her; rise above; don’t engage). However, from past experience with toxic people (they seem to find me – not sure why) be prepared that once you distance yourself, she will “love bomb” you – she’ll suddenly be nice and friendly so she can lure you back in. You are the mouse; she is the cat with claws. Withstand her. You deserve real friends. Good luck with everything!
I am extremely confused and I have a feeling that OP is a very confused person.
OP,. before you proceed with anything at all, can you, possibly answer few question to clear up confusion:
-Why are you talking to the mean person?
-Why are you listening to the mean person?
-Why it matters so much to you what mean person said or did?
-Why do you care about her existence?
-Why do you care about others who listen to her?
This person would not exist to me, she would be an empty space that I can go thru, nobody at all.
@MiamiDAP – I know you mean well, but I don’t think it’s fair to call OP a “very confused person”. I think she is confused by the behavior of someone she considered a friend. I believe OP is being bullied. I agree with you that she should ignore this person. Bullies need victims. Victims don’t need bullies.
Thank you everyone for all the answers and advice!! I’m just going to ignore her.
@MiamiDAP To answer your question, I have been cursed with having almost the same schedule as her and due to some unfortunate seating on my teachers part, I have been seated next to her in 2 classes. I’m a really self conscious person. I just care too much of what others think of me, I really need to work on that. Thank you for the advice
Peope like the girl in question spend most of their life trying to convince themselves they are better than other people, which generally means they have very low self esteem. Given the orbit the girl is in (ie talking about the elite colleges, and elite conservatories), she likely has a home environment where the parents set very high expectations and probably nothing she does is good enough, so her acting out is trying to make herself feel better I would guess.
It would explain why, for example, she went around telling everyone you won’t get into that music group, because after all if you did, it would mean she was ‘better than you’. There are people and cultures in this world that put all this emphasis on “hierarchy” and the girl in question is a good example of why it isn’t a good thing, it turns everything into a competition, of can you top this/I am better than you, and it can be quite ugly. I saw a lot of this in music, there were always the kids who instead of appreciating how well other kids played, spent all their time trying to prove they were ‘better’, and so forth. A girl my son had been friends with got her nose bent out of joint because he got into the studio of the teacher he now studies with and she didn’t, and afterwords went around saying how she couldn’t understand how my son got into the studio, how she was so much better…and the irony is one of the factors that may have gotten my son into that studio is because he doesn’t have that attitude, and his teacher is notorious for what he looks for in students and the uber competitive crap doesn’t sit still with him.
My one big piece of advice to you is to ignore her, and with some wisdom (with too much gray hair to go with it lol), I can tell you that people with that girl’s attitude are going to have a hard time in the world, they likely will have a hard time dealing with other people and will also find out that in the broader world, there are a lot of people who are as smart or accomplished then she will be. There are certain professions where she would thrive with that attitude, investment banking comes to mind, but in most places, especially music, she is going to find out mighty fast one quick road in music to fail is to have an attitude like hers:).
Live your life, do your thing, and ignore her. One of the things she is looking for is to get a reaction from you, and as my grandmother used to say, if you want to get back at a god, don’t pray to it:).
I agree that people who try to convince you of their superiority actually feel very inferior themselves. That’s why they put others down, to try to prop their own self up. Remind yourself of that when she pulls her trick and just “smile and nod”, and say non-committal things like, “that’s nice” or “maybe so”.
I also agree that you should offer very little information to her. You can say you don’t know, you’re not sure, you’ll have to check. Any info you give her is like giving her ammunition.
One last thing - people who are mean like this enjoy having victims. She surely knows that what she says bothers you. Try to not let that show as much as possible and she will lose the satisfaction she gets from being mean to you. You could confront her directly, tell her how unpleasant she is and how you don’t want to talk to her anymore, but if you continue to have such similar schedules it may make your life more uncomfortable to have her be openly hostile to you.
It seems she is an enemy or a “frenemy” more than a friend. Leave her behind and good riddance!
She’s jealous of you and very insecure. I’m the type to just stop interacting with a person like this. Why beat yourself up? She clearly is NOT a friend in any sense of the word. Be too busy to be available for her ridiculous attempts of controlling what is and is not going to happen to you. I can’t imagine someone like that would even have any friends. Best wishes to you! Break a leg!
I understand where you are coming from. I had a year of this kind of verbal bullying in 7th grade. It was a misery and I while I ignored my former friends as much as I could we were in Girl Scouts together. It was totally clear to me it was pure jealousy as it all began when I got moved to the honors track in school. Sometimes it helps if you think of it as a sort of temporary madness. My bullier actually apologized to me a few years later. In the meantime as others have said, disengage to the extent that you can. Don’t have any more conversation about college. Just say something like, “Talking about college applications is too stressful, I’m not discussing it any more.” Be nice, but distant.
Agree, she’s not a friend. Sounds like a Facts of Life episode.
If you ignore her, she won’t get any joy out of her bullying, even though she might not stop. Live your life, ignore her, and pity her.
If she engages you in conversation, politely demure. NO ONE has a right to put you down, and you don’t have to defend yourself when you’ve done nothing wrong.
A year from now, high school will be a distant memory. It’s funny to think that way right now because HS seniors are all full of pride about how great they are, but once you’re in college you’ll look on high schoolers as a bunch of kids who have no clue about anything.
Do your best to ignore the mean ex-friend while looking towards the future. It’s been a while for me, but I remember feeling disconnected as a senior in high school since I knew I would be going out of state and never coming back. I still had my close friends but didn’t much care about anything else that had seemed so important the previous 4 years (e.g. the local gossip, who was dating who, who was being mean to who, etc).
In 6 months you may never see that ex-friend again, ever. You might never see those kids she’s gossiping to again. Ask yourself if it’s really worth getting worked up over things and people you’ll be leaving behind very shortly. Be polite, but focus on your own things and whatever you need to do to move forward.
A way to deal with her is to find inner strength and use it. Visualize yourself as strong and invincible.
If you ignore her from a point of weakness she will know it. Stand with your shoulders back and take deep breathes.
Practice your responses to her out loud, in front of a mirror and in front of your parents.
Memorize a few one liners such as:
“Why do you ask?”
“I have no idea”
“Wow, thanks for the support (?tone)”.
and my favorite, “Why would you say that!?” with a shocked tone. (used this myself not long ago with a so-called friend.
She is no longer in my life and I am happier (and we are in our 60’s)).
Sometimes just do not hear her and walk away.
Good old fashion “playground” training.
The only way to be left alone is if your energy and your words send a message that you are not playing.
Also, a skill needed throughout life.
Be proud that you do not gossip about her–that shows good maturity.
This is one reason I couldn’t wait to graduate from high school–to get away from high schoolers.
It doesn’t take but one bully to make life miserable in so many ways. But you have good advice–ignore as much as possible, don’t give her any ammunition in knowledge (what you are doing) nor in action (don’t retaliate as satisfying as that may be–unless it’s really good ). It’s especially difficult if others perceive your bully in a good light–she’s probably sweet as pie to them.
You’re probably “the chosen” one. Sorry about that.
Ask yourself–WHY is this person getting under my skin? WHY do I even care? I can give you MY answers from long ago–I shouldn’t care at all but they still bothered me big time. My skin has grown pretty thick with age. You will ALWAYS encounter this delightful group no matter your age. The difference is you can choose not to sit next to them.
What I know now after time and experience is that it was NOT me as cliche as that may sound. My bully was just a young person who thought tearing down others built her up. I was the target. An easy target because I was introverted and afraid to speak up.
People sometimes DO change ( but not always) so if you run into them 20 years later at some reunion realize that their high school “mean” days may be behind them also. Can’t hold grudges forever (well, I can but you shouldn’t!)
). It’s especially difficult if others perceive your bully in a good light–she’s probably sweet as pie to them.