Anyone wanna read my essay? Thanks!!!!

Applying to College Common and Coalition Application
1

<p>This is my second draft for the UW madison admission essay 2013/14. Go ahead and critic it if there are any errors, Im thankful for any suggestions! :)</p>

<p>„Lewis, I’ve told you several times don’t do that when I am trying to go to sleep!”
His tiny fingers quickly pulled away from my ear. I turned around in my bed so I could face him. He immediately made me regret the harsh tone I used, looking at me with his big brown eyes opened widely.
“But your ears are the softest I ever felt. It helps me fall asleep!” he mumbled into the blanket he had pulled up so far it almost completely covered his mouth.
“Your such a baby. Grow up!” I snapped at him.</p>

<p>This was 14 years ago. My brother and I have always shared a close-knit relationship with each other. We did everything together, even slept in the same bed until I reached the age of 15. I was the older one with an age difference of three years. Hence I gave him protection and encouragement and in return he delighted me every day with his childlike happiness and infinite laughter.
But over the years our relationship had changed. When thinking back at this specific incident I realize how fast we have grown up and how different we treat each other now. I used to hate it when he wanted to fall asleep fondling my ear but now being older I can observe his behavior from a different perspective. If I had stopped and treasured this small act of connection, I would have realized, that a change would come in our relationship, without our knowing and our closeness would eventually be lost. But, I was too young to know that change occurs so naturally as a result of the maturation process, that it almost goes unnoticed. Today looking back it is no longer an annoying habit of his to me, but was a way to express his need for comfort and proof of love, which I now miss every so often, though we still care deeply about each other.
Change can be simple or fatal, sudden or gradual, progress or regression, transformation or transition, blessing or curse.
But the most undeniable fact about change is that it is omnipresent.
A common misconception concerning change is that it is often narrowed down to big events such as moving to a different city or taking on a new job, unconsciously neglecting the small, slow and unnoticed changes in life, which are often dismissed as irrelevant. I experienced this firsthand myself ignoring my brothers affection and later regretting it.
As R.D. Laing once said; “We live in a moment of history where change is so speeded up that we begin to see the present only when it is already disappearing.” I believe that if we are aware of change as it is happening the unnoticeable becomes perceptible. As a consequence we have to learn to accept the bad and look for the silver lining and relish the good while it lasts. This why it is so important for us to not walk through life blindfolded and ungrateful but to take in every second like it was our last and perceive the unnoticed like a simple brotherly act oft kindness, in order to enjoy things more in the present.</p>

2

<p>You should give the prompt whenever you post an essay. Here it is for anyone critiquing: 1. Consider something in your life you think goes unnoticed and write about why it’s important to you.</p>

<p>Overall I like it. I like the topic and have to agree that long-term changes in relationships are subtle yet firm. There are quite a few places where the language/syntax/grammar bothers me. These are just my opinion:</p>

<p>My brother and I have always shared a close-knit relationship with each other.
Get rid of “with each other.” It’s redundant.</p>

<p>We did everything together, even slept in the same bed until I reached the age of 15.
slept >>> sleeping.</p>

<p>I was the older one with an age difference of three years.</p>

<br>

<br>

<p>But over the years our relationship had changed.
had >>> has.</p>

<p>When thinking back at this specific incident I realize how fast we have grown up and how different we treat each other now.
Delete “When thinking back at this specific incident” or change “at” >>> “to”. I’d prefer to delete it.
different >>> differently</p>

<p>I used to hate it when he wanted to fall asleep fondling my ear but now being older I can observe his behavior from a different perspective.
Insert comma before “but”.</p>

<p>If I had stopped and treasured this small act of connection, I would have realized, that a change would come in our relationship, without our knowing and our closeness would eventually be lost.
This is a super choppy sentence and honestly quite painful to read; I don’t really get what it’s trying to say.</p>

<p>But, I was too young…
remove comma after “But”. “But” is not an interjection.</p>

<p>The maturation process >>> maturing.</p>

<p>that it almost goes unnoticed >>> going unnoticed.
Grammar + language</p>

<p>Today looking back >>> Looking back,</p>

<p>an annoying habit of his to me >>> one of his annoying habits
In this sentence there’s tense contradiction, some of it is past (“was”) and some is present (“is”) choose one and stick with it. It’s also quite a long sentence; split it in two if you can. There’s a lot of random ideas jumbled up and just separated by commas.</p>

<p>which I now miss every so often >>> which I now miss</p>

<p>Next paragraph a tad too wordy but I like it. I would get rid of “unconsciously” and shorten
“small, slow, and unnoticed” to two or just one adjective. </p>

<p>Last paragraph: do semicolons go before quotes? Never seen that before. I would use a comma.</p>

<p>I believe that if we are aware of change as it is happening the unnoticeable becomes perceptible. >>> I believe that if we become aware of change, the unnoticeable becomes perceptible. </p>

<p>Comma after “As a consequence”
Don’t really understand what you’re trying to get at in this sentence.</p>

<p>“This why it is” either change to “This is why it is” or delete the first part and just leave “It is”. I’d do the latter.</p>

<p>“but” >>> “and”
“was” >>> “is” tense agreement.
“oft” >>> “of” Spelling?</p>

<p>Last clause: either delete the comma or end the essay on the word “kindness”. I’d do the latter. The last word leaves the last impression.</p>

<p>Good luck! :)</p>

3

<p>Thank you so much!!!
You were a great help really. I changed some of the things before I read your suggestions so it is a little bit different now. I had to shorten it quite drastically so some of the points I made are left out. But I tried my best to incorporate your suggestions as they are really good. Here is the final essay, I hope you like it! Thank you again</p>

<p>„Lewis, I’ve told you several times don’t do that when I am trying to go to sleep!”
His tiny fingers quickly pulled away from my ear. I turned around in my bed so I could face him. He immediately made me regret the harsh tone I used, looking at me with his big brown eyes opened widely.
“But your ears are the softest I ever felt. It helps me fall asleep!” he mumbled into the blanket he had pulled up so far it almost completely covered his mouth.
“Your such a baby. Grow up!” I snapped.</p>

<p>This was 14 years ago. My brother and I have always shared a close-knit relationship. We did everything together, even sleeping in the same bed until I reached the age of 15. I was three years older than him. Hence I gave him protection and encouragement and in return he delighted me every day with his childlike happiness and infinite laughter.
But over the years our relationship has changed. When thinking back I realize how fast we have grown up and how different we treat each other now. I used to hate it when he wanted to fall asleep fondling my ear, but now being older I can observe his behavior from a different perspective. If I had stopped and treasured this small act of connection, I would have realized, that a change would come in our relationship, without our knowing and our closeness would eventually be lost. But I was too young to know that change occurs so naturally as a result of the maturing process, that it often goes unnoticed. Looking back it was no longer one of his annoying habits, but was a way to express his need for comfort and proof of love, which I now miss every so often, though we still care deeply about each other.
Change can be simple or fatal, sudden or gradual, progress or regression, blessing or curse. But the most undeniable fact about change is that it is omnipresent.
A common misconception concerning change is that it is often narrowed down to a big event such as Graduation, unconsciously neglecting the small and unnoticed changes in life, which are often dismissed as irrelevant. I experienced this firsthand myself ignoring my brothers affection and later regretting it.
As R.D. Laing once said, “We live in a moment of history where change is so speeded up that we begin to see the present only when it is already disappearing.” I believe if we are aware of change while it is happening the unnoticeable becomes perceptible. As a consequence, we have to learn to accept the bad and look for the silver lining and relish the good while it lasts. It is important for us to not walk through life blindfolded and ungrateful but to take in every second like it is our last and perceive the unnoticed in order to enjoy things more in the present.</p>

4

<p>Really well written from what I can tell, though I won’t be writing mine for 2 more years. One small thing I noticed:</p>

<p>“even sleeping in the same bed until I reached the age of 15”</p>

<p>You may want to change that to “even sleeping in the same bed until I turned 15”. The “reached the age of” sounds a bit too formal for the tone you’re using in this essay.</p>