Anyone want to Critique my Michigan State Essay

<p>I ll post it here because I doubt any CCers will stoop as low as to apply to Michigan State University:</p>

<p>Prompt: Describe the environment you come from and how this has influenced your future plans. 400 Words or Less</p>

<p>Essay</p>

<p>We sit at the family table. It is usually around 7:00pm, maybe a little before or after. The table usually holds a main course, some fruits or vegetables, and some form of baked bread. The whole family is there: my father, my mother, my brother and my sister. They all have impacted my future plans in some way. Now lets go around the table.
My father sits at the head of the table. He is a strong, ambitious politician. I admire his ambition and determinition, both qualities I have inherited. These two qualities show me what it takes to be successful. He has shown me I can achieve anything I put my mind to. I aspire to be a doctor, and because of his example I know exactly what I need to do.
To the left of my father is my mother. She is supportive and caring. My father has shown me what I must do to be successful, and my mother is the one who will help me get there. She has guided me and helped me make good choices throughout my entire life. Everything I have wanted to do, she has asked me “why”. This is important because if you have a good reason for doing something and really want it you will do whatever it takes to achieve your goals. She has even made me question why I want to be a doctor. My response to that is several medical conditions have caused me to be in and out of hospitals my entire life. The doctors are always amazing, and they have helped me so much that I could not imagine doing anything else.
Finally, there is my brother and my sister. My father has shown me the way, my mother has helped me affirm my goals, and my younger siblings have given me some healthy competition and shown me how to be leader. With every endeavor I take up they follow suit with similar ones. Thus, pushing me to succeed first so they have an example to follow. Even though I am their role model, they have helped me reach my potential. </p>

<h2> So I have taken you around the table. With the family I come from I can not fail at any goal. I will achieve all of my future goals because of them. I have created my goals, but my family has influenced my chances of success. So with my father’s example, my mother’s encouragement, and my siblings helping me reach my full pontential I know I have a bright future.</h2>

<p>Tell me what you think</p>

<p>One of my pet peeves is the word I, count how many times you have I in that essay, try to change some sentences up and make it more unique, do not repeat words within probably 2 sentences. Your writing style is more parallel, ex ( My father has shown me the way, my mother has helped me affirm my goals, and my younger siblings have given me some healthy competition and shown me how to be leader. ) and comes off as a little dry. It is not very unique either. However considering it is MSU…lol
Srry if I sound a little harsh, but thats my 2 cents. LOL</p>

<p>The “I” thing aside what can I do to fix the parallel style. Also what is not unique about the essay</p>

<p>Thanks for advice</p>

<p>try not to use “you” in your essays.</p>