Applying today, one last look over essay

<p>(Hello everyone first of all since this is my first post)</p>

<p>After getting numerous teachers opinions and notes i am finally applying to the three school i would like to today and i would love to know if anyone could read my essay for opinion/critique/revisions </p>

<p>here is a link to the essay</p>

<p>critique</a> my college essay, For the first four years of my life, like many, my...</p>

<p>thanks :D</p>

<p>Welcome to CC :)</p>

<p>I really like your essay. It's touching and well-written. However, you do this thing with -- that is not correct. You're using them as dramatic emphasis and it's grammatically incorrect. This is an example of an emdash:</p>

<p>"Though Rickman’s character, the famous writer Leonard, snidely remark that “the novel has fallen on hard times,” the audience is secure in the knowledge that the play has not. During the show—which gives us a sense of what highbrow reality television would be like if it existed—we watch with delight as the four hopefuls are eviscerated, one by one, under the cutting critiques of their fiercely disparaging instructor."</p>

<p>An emdash should be used to interrupt a thought. It should not compromise your sentence structure the way it does with yours. </p>

<p>Also scratch "like many" in the first sentence. It's not needed, and it's not correctly inserted currently. You intend for it to modify your "life" but instead it modifies "years," which doesn't make sense. It detracts from your essay as a whole. </p>

<p>Look up how Toys 'R Us is really spelled. I'm not sure how to spell it, but I think you have it wrong. It looks really weird. </p>

<p>Your third sentence doesn't make sense. You go from parallel structure to no structure and it confuses your meaning. When you say your "...mom used to..." and it works with "...drive me to school," "...make lobster," etc., those can stand as independent clauses. However, pair it with your last example "...and everything a mother should do," and it makes no sense. Add "do" between "and" and "everything" and it will make more sense. (I'm paraphrasing here, forgive me haha).</p>

<p>Last sentence of your second paragraph is too long. It's half the paragraph and doesn't need to be. </p>

<p>Third to last sentence of the third paragraph is a mess. :/ I am not a fan of how you started doing that list; it doesn't make sense in any way. Fix that somehow. </p>

<p>Last sentence third paragraph should be independent or you should include it in the previous sentence. </p>

<p>Generally I like it. But there are numerous grammatical errors that need some attention. </p>

<p>Good luck. Hope this helps. :)</p>

<p>I think your essay is overall strong, but I think some reorganization could really benefit you. Essays are supposed to be concise but if the focus is on entertainment journalism and your goals, you need to make that more of the focus. I think you could summarize the hardships you've had with your mother in about a paragraph and a half. The rest could be devoted to your explanation of your major and your relationships with tv.</p>

<p>Like... maybe start off with an anecdote. You've just had high hopes of your mother coming to visit you, when you are soon disappointed. You sit in front of the tv and you are suddenly in another world. </p>

<p>It's just a little confusing to the reader when your first mention of your major is in the third paragraph, it seems out of place. It needs to be mentioned earlier.</p>

<p>Gonna reply to everything specifically </p>

<p>""you do this thing with -- that is not correct. You're using them as dramatic emphasis and it's grammatically incorrect.
An emdash should be used to interrupt a thought. It should not compromise your sentence structure the way it does with yours. ""</p>

<p>*Okay i will fix this, 2 of my english teachers told me to put them in their but if its wrong then that definitely needs attention. </p>

<p>""Also scratch "like many" in the first sentence. It's not needed, and it's not correctly inserted currently. You intend for it to modify your "life" but instead it modifies "years," which doesn't make sense. It detracts from your essay as a whole. ""</p>

<p>*I was trying to convey "like most kids" should i change to that or just emit like many as a whole.</p>

<p>""Look up how Toys 'R Us is really spelled. I'm not sure how to spell it, but I think you have it wrong. It looks really weird.""</p>

<p>*Actually i had it like that ^ but then i went to the internet and thats how its spelt on their website and wikipedia etc. (ya it looks extremely weird)</p>

<p>""Your third sentence doesn't make sense. You go from parallel structure to no structure and it confuses your meaning. When you say your "...mom used to..." and it works with "...drive me to school," "...make lobster," etc., those can stand as independent clauses. However, pair it with your last example "...and everything a mother should do," and it makes no sense. Add "do" between "and" and "everything" and it will make more sense. (I'm paraphrasing here, forgive me haha).""</p>

<p>*And do everything a mother should do... fixed</p>

<p>""Last sentence of your second paragraph is too long. It's half the paragraph and doesn't need to be.
...
Third to last sentence of the third paragraph is a mess. :/ I am not a fan of how you started doing that list; it doesn't make sense in any way. Fix that somehow.
...
Last sentence third paragraph should be independent or you should include it in the previous sentence. ""</p>

<p>Alright let me try to make all these changes and incorporate them into my next draft</p>

<p>College</a> PaperBuddy</p>

<p>my english teachers and numerous web sources have told me i could use the em dash for dramatic effect which is why i did : /</p>

<p>let me upload my most recent draft and let me know what you guys think :D</p>

<p>thanks for the tips</p>

<p><a href="http://bobbbyisgoingtocollege.tumblr.com/post/14885189785/i-sat-waiting-shes-coming-she-has-to-i-would%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://bobbbyisgoingtocollege.tumblr.com/post/14885189785/i-sat-waiting-shes-coming-she-has-to-i-would&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>Different beginning and i tried to alter that list a little</p>

<p>is that better ?</p>

<p>sorry i hate to bump this but i NEED to apply today I've been putting it off for so long and i just want to know if that intro is better? or should i stick with the first one</p>

<p>This is a fairly strong essay in that you talk about how you changed as a person due to the experiences you had with your mother. Talking about you and your growth is very important. However if you are trying to convey an interest in entertainment journalism, you need to talk about that much more. I don't see the connection between your experiences with your mother and the interest in journalism. I see that you used entertainment as an escape from your issues with your mother, but there is nothing in the essay about what actually interests you about entertainment journalism.</p>