Appropriate Expectations 4 Kids: Do You Have Any?

Parent Cafe
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<p>For our family, we do have some expectations for our kids, and yet we know (certainly from experience) that kids, even from the same gene pool will challenge rules and expectations based on their independent nature, not environment. The curfews we set for girls are the same for boys (much to their utter disagreement) So below are some of the collegeshopping house rules:</p>

<p>ALWAYS, no matter what, use kindness. Kindness will never put you in time out, revoke a reward or cause the police to be at our door (and yes, the police have been at our door…lol)</p>

<p>Your siblings are your family. When making a decision, always remember who will be making decisions on your behalf later in life if it comes to that. Hurting, stealing from or being evil to a sibling will never have a good outcome. (Some of my older boys…they know this one well.)</p>

<p>Giving back to others is important. We ask that when our kids that are old enough they volunteer at least 200 hours per year. We don’t just ask them. We show them. Some family vacations from the outside are for the benefit of others, but what we get back cannot be documented. Community service issued by court order does not apply to the 200 family obligation hours (yes, we have done this too)</p>

<p>Your room is your domain, but your domain is inside of my domain, so really, it is my domain also and I am kindly asking that we never qualify for an episode of hoarders. Yes, our kids living at home make their own beds, pick up their own stuff and have one major family chore/responsibility. Me, I do all laundry, because I am picky that way. If you don’t want to do your chore, you have choices…sell it to a sibling, trade it with a sibling, but it not getting done is not optional.</p>

<p>I don’t yell at you, and my expectation is that you don’t yell at me. I can tell you that you **** me off at a moderate decibel level at 60 just as well as 100. No 100 required. Everyone deserves the time to gather themselves emotionally, so if you don’t want to have this conversation right now, then say so. But you only get an hour.</p>

<p>Omission is lying. Lying is not an option. Don’t omit, don’t lie. My older kids have my back on this one. They tell the younger ones that I have radar. (And I swear I do) They make it very clear that they cannot recall one time where a lie was successful with me. (maybe at first…but I usually smell it a mile away) I live by trust but verify. Do not walk in the door and tell me your school day was “fine” when you got an 68 on a major exam. Fess up. Do you not think I will see this on the school’s website tomorrow? Anything lower than 85 needs to be disclosed before I see it in black and white. Really…it is just easier that way.</p>

<p>For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. If you chose to game, facebook, text, talk on the phone, watch tv, etc, all evening, your school work will suffer an equal amount. Manage your time. If you don’t manage your time, I will manage it for you. You want to game…that’s cool. The price for gaming is completion of assignments in your backpack. And no, I don’t have to look in your backpack to verify homework. I just have to look in your eyes when I ask you. Gaming is a reward. Push me, and the consoles will not be here tomorrow. (I know, I’ve done it)</p>

<p>So yes, not all parents are hands off parents. But I don’t consider myself heli either. I consider myself a tour guide. PREPARE THE CHILD FOR THE PATH, NOT THE PATH FOR THE CHILD. Say that over and over and over again. It is written everywhere in my house. It is not my job to do major school projects. It is my job to make sure my kids have what they need to complete them.</p>

<p>Every single one of my children have made major mistakes. What kids don’t? But at the end of the day, they know we have their backs. I have bitten the tongue a time or two, my gut telling me what my mind can’t wrap itself around, but my kids have to be able to make choices on their own, knowing there is consequence to certain behaviors.</p>

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<p>After I wrote my lovely post about my daughters I realized I should print out my own post and paste on my mirror when she comes home for the holidays and I find all of her TOWELS on the floor. </p>

<p>Speaking of expectations. After 50 posts, you are expected to learn how to quote properly.</p>

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<p>My thoughts exactly!</p>

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<p>LOL!!!</p>

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<p>From what I have seen on another thread ACCecil likes to stir the pot but tweaking or not, it has been an interesting exercise to think about where I fit in the parenting spectrum.</p>

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<p>I really like that turn of phrase and am going to use it in the future. Thanks, Collegeshopping.</p>

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<p>Our DD has never been a slacker, though she has been troubled with ADHD. The ADHD always frustrated her more than it did us. We did our share of homework copping - because she WANTED to stay at her magnet school, and we saw she had done better socially there. Her choices of colleges to apply to were appropriate, including reach and match schools. her career goals are suitably ambitious, IMO. She DID slack off summer between HS and her gap year program - I was starting to get frustrated, that she wasn’t even pursuing resume building volunteer activities, but DW said she deserves it after finishing K-12. As it turns out one of her friends was having personal problems DW and I did not know about, and DD spent a lot of time helping her friend. </p>

<p>I have not bothered her about the suitability of her BF’s as long as they have met standards for politeness, good treatment of her, and morals/values. They have been Jewish, so we haven’t had to deal with that issue. I dont bother, both because I think it would backfire, and because she is so young. As it turns out, she has made clear recently that a certain degree of ambition is important to her in a young man. She has come to that all on her own. </p>

<p>Theres a certain Zen to parenting. Even those of us who don’t mind being called helicopter parents, have to know just when to back off. Its hard to put into words - you “listen with the third ear” and you KNOW when it will work itself out without your intervention.</p>

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<p>take dying your hair blue, for ex</p>

<p>IN reality, it would freak DW out, and I wouldnt exactly be thrilled.</p>

<p>One day, I think in Sophomore year, DD says to us “I want to dye my hair blue this year, cause it will be the last year before I face college interviews, internship interviews, etc and I dont want blue hair then”</p>

<p>as it happens she never did dye her hair. The point is you leave them alone, they come up with extraordinary good sense, but on their own time.</p>

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<p>My expectations don’t have anything to do with what their hair looks like :wink: - but how they treat others- how they present themselves to the world & how they follow their dreams.</p>

<p>I have tried from the beginning, to help them develop the tools to form their own judgments so that they can make their way in the world.</p>

<p>I have always loved this passage & have tried to fashion myself as the place from which my children can go forth.</p>

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<p>I happen to believe that “hands on” and “hands off” parents are equally capable of producing slackers. No single parenting style has cornered the market on producing superstars. </p>

<p>My son went through a WoW additction phase. He also set the driveway on fire with a potato. D is currently addicted to re-runs of LOST. Last week she got a ride home from an 18 year old boy we’ve never met.</p>

<p>Son was the senior class “Mr. Allaround” and earned a 90% scholarship to Wake Forest. D is ranked 8th in her class and was a state finalist in her sport. </p>

<p>From the outside looking in, are we hands-on or hands-off?</p>

<p>Hint: Both kids are VERY good-looking.</p>

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Exactly!</p>

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<p>I was blessed with my parents.</p>

<p>They told us from as far back as I can remember that as long as we honestly did our best, they would be happy and support us. We were expected to do homework as soon as we came home from school, or at least before we went out to play (when we were little) or go out for the night (when we got older). Dad worked nights, mom worked days, for most of my childhood so that there was always someone home with my sister and me.</p>

<p>They usually were fairly “hands off”. We chose our own curfew…they would ask us what time we would be home. Usually we responded “by midnight”. If it was going to be later, we were expected to call or send a text. (This was after we started driving…before, if we were going to be home late, we had to find our own way home.)</p>

<p>Before I would leave for school every day, my dad would tell me to “make the day my masterpiece” and mom would tell me to “make wise choices”.</p>

<p>My parents ALWAYS had reasonable expectations as far as school was concerned. Mom told me she wanted me to get at least a 3.0, because she knew that was what I was capable of. And I never got below a 3.0 in any semester.</p>

<p>Through middle school, after report cards came out, if grades were good it meant a trip to the bookstore to pick out a few new books (I couldn’t buy books as fast as I could read them).</p>

<p>We chose our own friends and social lives, but when we were still having “sleepovers”, again probably through middle school, if we were going to stay at their house mom and dad were expected to know who they were and who their parents were. Same as if someone was staying at our house. No sleepovers on school nights.</p>

<p>They let us get our ears pierced when we decided we wanted to. Later, when I was 16 and decided I wanted my nose pierced, mom gave the okay. She told me, “it’s your body, and if you don’t like it it’ll just close up.” But I had to do the research and find a good place to do it. Mom and dad did pay for it. They will not pay for the tattoo I want, and asked that I wait until I can fund it myself. No problem.</p>

<p>Regarding dating, we never had rules because it never came up. I do remember my mom telling me when I was pretty young, “If you want to have sex with someone that’s your business. If you want to have unprotected sex with someone, that’s MY business.”</p>

<p>Got it, mom.</p>

<p>Now, they are REALLY hands off. When I’m home, I tell them I’m going out, they tell me to have a good night and lock the door behind me when I leave and come home. I still tell them where I’m going and when I’ll be home, because it’s the courteous thing to do when I’m living in their house and driving a car that is registered to them. They never ask about grades anymore…I tell them, “hey, I just got _____ on my Psych midterm.” Fantastic. If I don’t get grades good enough to get a good student discount on my car insurance, no car at school. I pay $30 per month for the data plan on my new phone starting in November (just got the phone last week). I have a steady job this year and pay for all of my own food & gas. Mom and dad pay for everything school-related and some necessities (clothes, contact lenses, car insurance, etc.). I stay on my parents’ health insurance until I’m at least 23 (as long as I’m still a full-time student). They want to help put me through graduate school, but need a bit of a financial break first, so I will be taking at least one year off between undergrad and grad school, hopefully to do some missionary work.</p>

<p>I talk to my parents at the very least every other day; mom more than dad. I’m expected to answer their texts or calls when I can.</p>

<p>I’m very fond of my parents. :slight_smile: They disciplined me when it was appropriate and let me learn from my mistakes. They gave me both the freedom and the boundaries I needed.</p>

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<p>I happen to believe that “hands on” and “hands off” parents are equally capable of producing slackers. No single parenting style has cornered the market on producing superstars.</p>

<p>Maybe we should revive the college dropout thread-
I’ll start with two from my area- Steve Jobs & Bill Gates.
;)</p>

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<p>I am thinking that you don’t see the difference between setting behavioral expectations and following through with consequences and setting expectations on whom to date based upon your (not your kids) biases and opinions. Parents who stay out of their kids’ love lives aren’t necessarily “hands-off” parents. You seem to want to believe that they are the same, and that those of us who think you should butt out of your son’s relationship are the kind of folks who just let their kids do their own thing in every aspect of their lives.
More rationalizing.</p>

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<p>“My expectations don’t have anything to do with what their hair looks like - but how they treat others- how they present themselves to the world & how they follow their dreams.”</p>

<p>A. My wife may be a tad more old fashioned in that regard. I respect her for not giving up her own values. </p>

<p>B. My point was that she was very concerned about how the way she presents herself impacts on her dreams</p>

<p>We have raised our DD to be ethical, and I think we have succeeded beyond our own expectations. I thought this thread was about something slightly different though.</p>

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<p>BBD – one of my kids has talked about dying his hair blue. I was so nonplussed about it that it took the wind right out of his sails. :slight_smile: There are some things worth taking a stand for. Long blue hair was not one of them.</p>

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<p>I didnt say we were going to take a stand about it. I am sure we wouldnt have. I was just giving how we (mainly DW) would have felt (and there are larger issues of weirdness, marginality, social conformity that DW was concerned with given our DDs history that others here are not in a position to know about) as an INTRODUCTION to why its better to BACKOFF.</p>

<p>I am sorry if I offended anyone with kids with blue hair. Or with blue hair themselves. Or even anyone with blue skin.</p>

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<p>We could teach our kids values such as being a good person of high moral standards and how hard work will benefit not only themselves but society…not every kid will hear that, not even those kids who are raised in the same family.</p>

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<p>I am a foster parent, as well as having biological kids of my own. I have seen all sorts of examples of bad parenting, and I have to agree that it doesn’t have the same effect on all kids. I think some kids are just resilient, self-regulating and optimistic, even in the face of truly horrible parenting. Other seem to be given everything and fall apart at the first sign of adversity. I’ve even seen very different reactions in siblings who were raised in the same environment. So much of how our kids turn out is based on their innate temperment. </p>

<p>Do I have high expectations? Yes. But H and I administer it with much love and patience. We guide rather than control. We allow choices where choices are appropriate. And we try to live as examples - “walk the walk” so to speak. Do I ever “lay down the law”? Only when it has to do with health or safety (either theirs or others). Has it worked for all of our kids - nope. Some kids are going to fail despite our best intentions. Plus I’m still praying and hoping that some of our “problem kids” will still turn around eventually. (I’m a hopeless optimist!)</p>

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<p>We have high expectations for our kids morally, ethically, academically, and career-wise…and they haven’t disappointed us so far. One is an applied math major and the other is a Chem Engineering major (pre-med). Neither has ever been in any kind of trouble.</p>

<p>I don’t believe in “parenting at a distance,” but I also don’t believe in micro-managing their lives. I never over-scheduled them with activities, stood over them while they did their homework, or stunted their “personal growth” by not letting them make some minor mistakes.</p>

<p>I think that if you’re appropriately “hands on” when they’re younger, instill good values and self-discipline, then you can loosen the reigns as they get older.</p>

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<p>When one of my sons broke the rules (or one rule) his life was mine, he still talks about it.
When I felt that he learned the lesson - do not break the rules and things will be good, break the rules things will not be so good and it is just not an empty idle threat - I backed off. And we did have some weird hair for a while - benign rebellion.</p>