Dave Berry explains what “lawn mower parents” are and how they handle college admissions: https://www.collegeconfidential.com/articles/lawn-mower-parents/
We have friends with this child-rearing philosophy that I like: “Prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child.”
I am very tired of all the labels associated with parenting. My children all had different needs, and I did what was best for each.
I also observe parents who make their kids feel like uninvolved parties when it comes to college applications. When the inevitable rejections (that all kids receive) comes in the parents are quick to blame others.
It is always the athletes, legacies, URMs, first gen, or kid from Alaska that took their kids spot. It’s unfair, the system is flawed and their child is a victim. They diminish those accepted without realizing they are instilling their own children with a sense of helplessness.
The are trying to protect their kids from failure by turning them into victims.
When I got deservedly rejected from my reach school 30 years ago my dad said “we always knew there were plenty of kids who are smarter then you out there, now at least we have proof”. His smile and delivery made me laugh and we moved on.
I"m a “Lawn Mower” parent, but that means I make my college age kids mow the lawn whenever they visit from college…my son hates it, but free labor, what are you going to do? :-??
Loved the article; enjoyed the humor.
But there are undesirable consequences for being an over-involved parent as well as for being an under-involved parent.
This reminds me of the post a year or so back. A parent was wondering what people did about their kids taking reusable water bottles to college. The parent was concerned that his/her child might not wash out the bottle properly with soap and hot water. I felt a little sorry for that parent, because you can imagine the responses he/she got.
After driving literally hundreds of miles each week to music lessons, rehearsals, recitals, concerts, concerto competitions, tennis matches, volleyball matches, cooking, laundry, etc. all throughout my boys’ high school years, I was one burnt out parent let alone “lawn mower” or “heli-lawn” parent or whatever…
I can’t wait to be a lawn-mower parent!
@Nocreativity1 I couldn’t agree more. Not sure if you have seen the “Race in college admissions…” thread that is very active (you might be on there already?).
There are plenty of great schools out there…if your kid doesn’t make the cut for their dream school, chances are they are capable of getting in a different school that might be slightly less prestigious (and maybe just as prestigious!), but perfectly wonderful. There are just not enough spots at the top schools. Period.
I have no problem with a parent helping their child maximize their personal information by getting the best college application together that they possibly can, but by all means, make sure they don’t think they are that special that if they are denied a spot at their dream school that they are a “victim”. There just aren’t enough spots. It’s no one’s fault. Sometimes it’s like winning the lottery.
Make sure the list is robust in the range of schools that are on there.
I was an involved parent in HS. Now that my kid is in college, I am a hands off parent. I am one parent glad my kid not in HS.
Each kid is different. My youngest does all of her homework and studying without a single push, and aces everything. She’s self motivated. My oldest needs to frequently be pushed, reminded, and checked on. We constantly struggle to not helicopter, and to make them do as much as they can themselves. But it isn’t easy. The big challenge is that some kids (myself included), aren’t mature enough for a life-altering business relationship in their teenage years, which is really what HS and college admissions are. I would say most kids aren’t ready for it, and certainly aren’t mature enough for it. There are plenty of exceptions, of course.
So we tow the line between harping on them to apply in time for deadlines, but never DOING the application. Making them write yet another college essay when the draft(s) aren’t great, but not writing it for them. Telling them to apply to reach schools, as well as safeties, and telling them the odds with realistic expectations. I made my daughter ask for her own letters of recommendation, but man we had to be on her A LOT to finally get her to do it.
So when you have a smart kid, who isn’t motivated, it’s tough to “teach them a lesson” if/when they flounder in HS and miss college entirely, because they were too immature to know what they were missing. Using myself and my wife an examples … I was not mature (or informed as my parents knew zero about college and didn’t care) that I missed college applications entirely, and had mediocre grades, and then had to claw my way from community college to a meh 4 year school. I made the best of it, but I lost a LARGE amount of lifetime income because of this lack of guidance and initiative. My wife had a different path, her older brother had gone to Yale on full scholarship, she was considered the “failure” for being a B+ student in HS. So her parents didn’t really care what she did and she chose a school she regrets and a major she regrets more (film theory, which was a waste of 4 years in her rear view mirror opinion).
So yes, as parents, I feel we need to walk the line. We’re more mature, we’re experienced, we have their best long term interests in mind. We have to figure out a way to help and guide, without controlling with a joystick,
I think writers coin terms like “lawn mower parent” hoping it will go viral and make a name for themselves. Then they write articles like this one as click-bait (“Are you a Lawn Mower Parent? What does that even mean? Click HERE to find out!”
^Yes they are master baiters with those click bait terms.
Perhaps you should start a thread “I don’t like Master Baiters” I suspect you will get clicks.
Do you maintain one or more paths still available for your child (that you believe they will be passionate about, for them not you reliving your teen years) or do you mow down the whole field? There is a huge difference.
Times have changes and society has created an artificial hard clear line between an adult and a child at 18 and 21. –**Colleges used to give you a chance at admissions by having low freshman retention rates. “Look left, look right, only 2 out of 3 of you will be here next year.” This was the speech given to many freshman classes in the 1980s. Boys especially mature later than their freshman and sophomore HS transcript.
*HIPA laws make it difficult or impossible to slowly hand over the reigns of managing health related issues and help during a crisis. Let’s face it, many of our spouses also need a push to see a doctor.
*College grades used to be sent to the person paying the bill. This was certainly an incentive for students.
*The vaping epidemic replaced smoking and is being directly marketed to young brains, training them to crave a high. Marijuana laws are changing, kid products are available in and candy or flavor and the % of THC is increasing. Lobbyists and CEOs should testify in front of congress with cameras rolling. Teaching college students to drink responsibly in a social setting would be so much more productive than binge drinking.
*Current HS students get all of their information online, but have little or no understanding of a valid source. Our college age children had very different educational experiences, learning first from a paper book or Kindle type device without WiFi.
*High stakes testing has replaced learning time starting in 3rd grade.
**Many more families face financial insecurity closer to retirement age by paying over-inflated tuition in a system that makes little sense - work hard, save money, stay married, pay more. It is difficult to criticize protecting that enormous investment.
I often think that we lost the village, neighborhood, faith community, multi generational family structure that did a great job of redirecting youth when they hit a roadblock or dangerous fork in the road. Our cities are safer, but our school environments and our neighborhood homes are not a safe haven. Right or wrong, parents are trying to do all of this at once in a bubble and then completely cut the strings when children leave for college. We know so much more about the developing brain, but are not using the data to create policy and a better road-map for parents to follow.
@HankCT- I really liked what you said:
“So when you have a smart kid, who isn’t motivated, it’s tough to “teach them a lesson” if/when they flounder in HS and miss college entirely, because they were too immature to know what they were missing. Using myself and my wife an examples … I was not mature (or informed as my parents knew zero about college and didn’t care) that I missed college applications entirely, and had mediocre grades, and then had to claw my way from community college to a meh 4 year school. I made the best of it, but I lost a LARGE amount of lifetime income because of this lack of guidance and initiative. My wife had a different path, her older brother had gone to Yale on full scholarship, she was considered the “failure” for being a B+ student in HS. So her parents didn’t really care what she did and she chose a school she regrets and a major she regrets more (film theory, which was a waste of 4 years in her rear view mirror opinion).”
Some kids are naturally self-motivated and can be left on their own, but many more kids lack the maturity to even KNOW what they are missing and the lifetime consequences that result from not taking school and the college process seriously. My DD is a freshman, very bright but never had the confidence that she was a good student (in spite of great grades in middle school). She started at a large, top high school this year in all honors classes and for the first few weeks I let her be. But after a few B test grades that discouraged her I realized she needed help and guidance with how to study and be a good student. Success breeds confidence which breeds success. I pushed her to go to her teachers with any questions or concerns. I pushed her to make study guides and start studying for tests early. I pushed her to schedule-out all of her work so that she wouldn’t procrastinate. As she started to get A’s on everything her confidence soared and she began to believe that she was capable. This resulted in her loving school and taking great interest in her own learning. And the truth is as a parent I know how much gpa is make-or-break in college acceptance and financial aid. I could have had her “learn a lesson” but her gpa would have taken a permanent hit. If I am called a “lawnmower parent” or whatever is the latest label then so be it. Our educational system has changed financially that there is little room for kids to overcome early mistakes due to immaturity.
Someone posted a few pages back that it really depends on the kid…as a parent of three I have had to be more hands on with one in one area and less with another, etc. As parents we do our best to guide/shape our kids while we still can have an impact on the choices they make. Clearly no guidance at all would not work and too much structuring and rules/helicoptering can backfire for sure. Everyone has to find that right balance and it varies by child, and by parent of course. I think if there is love and support, there are many many different effective ways to parent that can work perfectly fine.
I agree, @HankCT and others. It depends on the kid, and the consequences of say, missing a deadline, when it comes to college apps are SO HUGE. I believe in the “let them fail” philosophy, although I admittedly struggle with it, but when the consequences are more life-altering/opportunity limiting (such as applying to college) and less life lesson, I’ll become more heavy handed.