I think it’s a myth perpetuated by Hollywood that most high school/college age kids have boyfriends or girlfriends. In my experience, the really mature ones don’t, probably because they realize that they are working on other aspects of development and just aren’t ready to bring that to relationship yet. There is nothing wrong or defective about a kid who graduates from high school or even college without having had a significant other. It can be lonely, for sure, but it’s not abnormal.
@Lindagaf, you’ve got it backwards. You kiss the princes, but you marry the frog. Frogs are useful. Princes are way too high maintenance and just too much work for the long run.
It’s possible that love doesn’t find someone. It was probably the biggest issue in my mother’s life that neither of my sisters ever married, or even had a meaningful long-term adult romantic relationship. It kept her up at night until she died. It makes me sad, too.
My sisters are diametric opposites. One is outgoing and friendly, easygoing, athletic. She had the lowest SATs and worked hardest of any of us. She had a series of unrequited crushes on “golden boy” types in high school – went to lots of parties, then came home and debriefed with my mother for hours. She went to college thousands of miles from home, because everyone agreed it was a good idea for her to get some distance from our mother. Her high school pattern continued in college, until she finally got a real boyfriend during a quarter abroad program. That lasted a year and a half, and they broke up after he proposed to her but specified that their children would not be raised as Jews and she said “no” to that. (She’s not remotely religious, by the way.)
No one dreamed that would be her last stable boyfriend, at least up to now. She has always been looking. She has been in therapy continuously for at least 35 years. There have been a few hopeful moments, a couple months of tentative pairing up, but nothing ever got real traction, and it’s been a long time since she told me about anyone. (It’s hard to ask, but she usually volunteers.)
She had a great career in the investment world that is now winding down – you would see her as a talking head on Bloomberg or CNBC. She has money (lots of it) and friends. She takes great vacations, often high-end group bicycle tours of exotic places. Just no couple relationship (or kids of her own). She got over her obvious self-destructive patterns decades ago, but somehow nothing ever quite clicked.
My other sister has always been tightly wound and very controlling. She’s name-rank-and-serial-number only, and regards any attempt to discuss her personal life an act of aggression. If she has ever had anything one would call a “date” with anyone, no one in the family knows about it. (She was an officer in a popular sorority at a flagship public, so she probably had dates for formals in college, but nothing that involved actual romantic interest.) I know she was sexually active in high school and in her 20s, but her sexual activity seemed to consist of getting blind drunk and having sex with whomever was around. (Sister #1 and I learned this from the younger siblings of our friends.) As she got older, she started going to bars in neighborhoods far from where she lived, picking up guys, and giving them a fake name and phone number so they couldn’t ever find her again. (Sister #1 heard that from one of sister #2’s friends. We both saw enough when we were with her to make that highly credible.)
She got clean and sober in her mid-30s, went to medical school, and calmed down a lot in many dimensions, She’s been in therapy for 20 years, and it has improved her relationship with her siblings and friends immeasurably. But there has never been any hint of a romantic relationship with anyone, or admission from her that she might be interested in that. She lavishes a lot of time and attention on her dog. (Now dog #3.) My mother, like many women of her generation, was somewhat homophobic, but after a point she began to hope that maybe sister #2 was a closeted lesbian, because that would at least mean that she had some possibility for romantic love in her life. But, no.
I may have over-brainwashed DS long ago. Someone made a comment when he was in daycare about how cute he was and how he should have a girlfriend. I told him he had too much to do to have a girlfriend (learn to read), that he needed to make his way in the world, and not to have a dumb girlfriend because they are trouble and couldn’t help build a life. LOL. In high school, I told him that any premature grandkids would get the money I had planned to spend on him and college, etc.
There have been a string of female friends following him around but he is not claiming any of them. It’s kind of cute that they think being extra nice to me will earn points with him. Nope. He is off to see the world, no strings attached!
I like that @TQfromtheU , in regards to spending the inheritance on any grandkids. I may have to use that on my 16 year old son who has had a girlfriend for a year already.
One of my niece’s friends, 32 years old, is marrying a 24 year old man. She is a successful professional in her small town, jaw-droppingly attractive, but available men her age are either baggage-laden or unmarriageable. Waiting too long is a low-population area has its drawbacks.
@JHS, I have a brother for one of your sisters since we are doing virtual matchmaking here. He got divorced at 32 and already had two kids. He tried dating but, in his 30s, not wanting more children was an automatic deal-breaker. He is athletic, VP of an engineering firm, and you would think that combination would lead to some level of dating success. He has had two relationships, one long distance, that lasted about a year each. Mostly he is by himself.
Amateur theory of my own (besides agreeing that some of our kids priortize grades and careers) . . . if you have not been in a marital or long-term cohabiting relationship by the time you’re in your 50’s, it’s probably because, deep down, you don’t want to be (whether you know that consciously is something else).
H and I have a surprising # of acquaintances where that is the case.
@TQfromtheU , same here. I remember buying my D the book “Boys are Stupid, Throw Rocks at Them” lol. Her brother didn’t think it was so funny though. I have assured both my kids that there is plenty of time for committed relationships but that academics come first. Unfortunately S didn’t listen and in high school and early 20s was often the rescuer of young girls in foster care and/or in other dysfunctional circumstances. He has since moved in with an educated young woman who I would be pleased to have in the family.
I should say that my observations of women closer to the OP’s daughter in age provide much more reason to hope:
I don’t think my son’s fiancee ever had a serious boyfriend before him, and while they were friends for a number of years they didn’t become a couple until near the end of her first year of medical school. She’s completely pretty, smart, outgoing – nothing remotely the matter with her at all. But she was very focused on school and career, and part of a non-Western, traditional family where “dating” and “boyfriend” weren’t positive ideas. That wasn’t exactly where she was, but I think she wasn’t going to push the envelope with her parents unless the relationship felt serious in a way that it couldn’t possibly have felt when she was 17 or 20.
His penultimate girlfriend, too, had never had a previous boyfriend, either, until the second half of her second year of college. I don’t even have a theory why that might have been the case – you would have to go double-digit generations back to connect her to any non-Western culture, and she, too, has the whole package of beauty, intelligence, and personality. I don’t think she would have made it out of my high school without some serious attention from boys. For whatever reason, maybe she didn’t feel ready then.
Two virtual nieces, the children of our best friends, both of whom I have known since they were conceived. The older one would have welcomed a chance to go out with a boy, but didn’t feel capable of pursuing boys. She had no action of any sort through her first year of college. In her second year of college, working on the college newspaper, she developed a close working relationship with a shy boy. It was reasonably clear to all of the adults in her life that he was going to be her boyfriend. However, she didn’t admit that she was thinking that way until 6-7 months after she started talking about him all the time, and she had trouble understanding that he probably wouldn’t be around her as much as he was unless he had the same idea. It was another couple months after that that they actually got as far as an explicit date. That was a little over 8 years ago, and they are still together (and still not married or engaged).
Her sister is a different story. She is a few years out of college, and she has never shown any interest in a sustained relationship with anyone, male or female. She struggles with deciding whether she is straight, gay, bi- or a-, and isn’t content with figuring that out by trial and error.
I wonder if they feel pressure from siblings. One of my sons married last year, at the age of 21. The other is getting married this year, at the age of 27. Suddenly my 25 year old daughter started dating a 41 year old man. Even though it’s only been about 5 months, they’ve gotten their two cats together to see if they’re compatible, and plan to move on to the next level.
@Lindagaf When your D is done with college I can introduce her to my S. LOL (not a Wade brother, but a good guy nonetheless).
Honestly I think the timeline of marriage has been so pushed back that there is no need to be concerned now. They all seem to find their way in due time.
I think that nowadays there is a lot of hooking up and casual relationships going on, driven by the guys more so than the girls. And a lot of girls aren’t into those types of ‘relationships’, hence they are single longer. Nothing wrong with that imo.
As for the librarian thing- I have a librarian friend who used to have a high pressure financial job. Work life balance was nil, so when her kids were young she decided to stay home. When they got a little older, she wanted to go back to work and being a school librarian offered a perfect balance for her. Private school, so she didn’t need to pursue more education to get the job. It’s a great job for her!
S1 dated a little in high school, but no one steady in college until his last semester. That was three years ago and theyt are now living together and don’t seem to be in any hurry. What surprises me is that so many young women seem to have a negative image of motherhood nowadays. When did children become so devalued in our society?
@Bestfriendsgirl - I think more college women are realizing how hard it is to try and have it all. If they have school loans, they might not be able to leave the work force. If they continue working, they realize they may still do the lion’s share of the child-related work. Children are valued and women may realize they can’t do all they would want to do their children. Motherhood is a labor of love. 
I am just glad I didn’t grow up on a diet of Disney movies and princess movies. I don’t think it has helped either gender. The guys think everything has to be some big gesture and love with a capital l if they are exclusive and young girls seem to look for big romance and immediate exclusivity. I have a 28 year old and 25 year old not in exclusive relationships and my college senior has an exclusive relationship but None seem to be too interested in marriage and all that entails. Personally I think 29 or 30 is a good age to marry.
I have told my son to take his time and not get serious until the time is right, and he will know. He was involved with a girlfriend in college, a foreign student, who was a lot more serious about the relationship than he was and while I firmly believe in letting kids work out there own things, I also told him that he was misreading what the girl was thinking and it wasn’t fair to her and he realized I was right (never tell me that, though lol). I think it is much better to let time take its path, and to figure out what/who you are before getting serious. I have been honest with him that while I would never trade him or my little family for the world, getting seriously involved with someone as young as I was (19), and then getting married somewhat young, had consequences, and it is only when you get a bit older that you discover what you are and what you want/need:). Yeah, it is a lot easier to have and raise kids when younger, but given how long we are living, even if we have kids in our 30’s we still will live long enough to embarrass them and otherwise live to see them make the same mistakes we did lol (and obviously, said tongue in cheek).
We got married when I was nearly 30 and H was in mid 40s. We had kids shortly thereafter. We gave no regrets. It was helpful in many ways to be more grounded in our professions, though it would have been nice to have the energy we had a decade prior when we started our family. It was also nice to have financial stability that we wouldn’t have had if we had met and married younger. It’s always trade-offs.
We really can’t find THE one for our kids anyway, so I just hope they do have some romantic love and people who care about them in their lives. Their cousins will likely try to introduce them to some friends as well–we will see how things develop.
Luckily living in the land of fecundity, free range children and very young marriage, the drawbacks are patently obvious even to my kids. My personal advice is to enjoy an extended youth and not to have children, period.
Only do that if your D can comfortably handle the academics with some margin AND is willing to lower some standards in areas of housekeeping*, fashion sense, etc.
Am seeing this dynamic among several male HS classmates and a few colleagues(CS/engineering grads) with spouses who complain about their lackings in those areas.
- Most hardcore STEM males or academics don't tend to give 2 figs about it enough to bother caring...much less spend money on it.
** One CS major friend had a dormroom/post-college apartment in which computer parts clutter was so bad one can barely get in the front door as the parts would come up to my knees…and I’m a smidgen under 6’. He also tended to leave out dishes with remnants of meals from 2-3 days before which is admittedly excessive even for me and most of his male CS/engineering friends. Despite all that, he had no problems dating during undergrad and has now been happily married for 5+ years. However, it still drives his neatnik spouse nuts at how he scatters computer parts/plates of food all over their home.
My S is a serious geek and EE graduate. His apartment is extremely neat and so his his room at our home and pretty much any place he lives. He likes things neat. D on the other hand has always been much messier and continues to be.
Generalizations can be dangerous.