<p>I’m a 20 year old guy. I live in Southern California area and I attended a community college for the past two years and now I’m ready to move-in to UCLA dorm. I have two brothers (older) and one goes to University of Washington in Seattle and the other one works in Los Angeles.</p>
<p>Ever since young, my parents have been unusually caring and loving toward me. I know this is a common-trait among all parents-child relationship, but from my perspective it’s been more than necessary, at least compared to my brothers. Maybe it’s because I’m their youngest son, I don’t know for sure.</p>
<p>But anyway, my parents are really worried about me moving out. They just don’t think I can live through life without them. Well my dad’s actually ready to dump me in my dorm room, but it’s my mom that just doesn’t believe me. I tell her “My bro’s in Seattle by himself and he’s doing fine. Don’t worry. I’ll be fine.” but my mom always responds, “but you are different.” I’ve asked her how I’m differnet but she ignores the question.</p>
<p>One thing I find very ridiculous is how my mom wants me to call her every other day and come home every Sunday. She can’t let me go for some reason. If this was the case where I move out to Iraq or something then it’s understandable, but it’s UCLA! It’s only 40 minute distance from my home! </p>
<p>Are most parents like this? Or is my mom the abnormal one? It’s about time they grant me my independence and let me live through life by myself. I find it rather selfish of them for thinking like that. How can I talk through this matter with them without sounding too offensive?</p>
<p>“They just don’t think I can live through life without them”</p>
<p>No, your mother doesn’t think she can live through life without YOU. Have some compassion. The end of the parenting phase is a very painful time in any mother’s life. I agree that you should have more independence, but would it really kill you to call every couple of days and visit sometimes?</p>
<p>it wouldn’t.
but this is the beginning phase of my independence and I just don’t think it’s necessary to call and visit them so often. They should just let me live through life by myself and let me get the feel of how it is to be truely alone. This isn’t possible if they force me to call them so often. Moreover, I don’t think it’s right for them to set rules for me (how often to call/visit them) as if I’m still a HS student. Time for them to loosen up a bit.</p>
<p>How is your parents’ marriage? Lots of marriages end once the nest is empty…nothing to talk about, no school activities to attend…just the two of them, staring wordlessly across the table at one another, night after night. Maybe that’s what your folks are afraid of.</p>
<p>They can’t force you to call, remember that, they can only ask you to do so. Calling your mother because she misses you or is lonely and you care about her feelings is very different from being dependent. If you can’t find the compassion to do something specifically for someone else, then perhaps you aren’t as mature as you think you are. I am in my 40s, married over 20 years, a professional women with children, and I call my mother every day just to say hi or make sure she’s ok. Not because I’m “dependent” but because I love her and I know that she is lonely. Real maturity will help you learn that not everything is about you. If you’re at UCLA, you’re independent. Frankly, you don’t sound very kind.</p>
<p>So call some, just not every other day. So go home some, just not every Sunday. Maybe start out every other Sun, then as you get busy you can slowly go home less. you have to let her down gently, that’s all. She is having a hard time cutting the umbilical cord. It’s common with the last one, esp mom and a son. She just loves you, that’s all. So gradually make the separation. Show your maturity and show her you love her.</p>
<p>I “want” my son to call and visit frequently, too. I just haven’t told him so, because he and I were fortunate that I realized that this wasn’t really about me. I haven’t always behaved so well!!</p>
<p>No, I don’t think your parents are weird. I think your mother loves you and is sincere about what she wants. </p>
<p>Now it is up to the two of you to work out what will work for both of you. Help her to see that if you go home every weekend, you will not be giving yourself a chance to become part of the university community. Do call her regularly (not a big deal) and go home occasionally. </p>
<p>It’s mostly, but not 100% a mom thing. They’re built a bit different, react a bit differently. She carried you and your sibs for nine months. It’s hard to “let go”. Doesn’t mean your dad loves you less or is happy to see you go.</p>
<p>You’re the last to leave the nest. That’s just the luck of the draw.</p>
<p>You’re itching for independence, that’s expected.</p>
<p>But think of the years your parents have invested in you and your sibs. The house will be empty, or will feel that way. They’ll be no kids to yell at. No more making your favorite meal on a regular basis. All the little things, good and not so good become just memories.</p>
<p>It’s life. It’s a passage. Try to understand it.</p>
<p>I think calling a few minutes a couple of times a week, is NOT burdensome, it is kind…</p>
<p>What do/did your other sublings do when they left? Did they ignore your mom, or did they have some contact?</p>
<p>Going home every sunday is, to me, a bit too much, seems Sundays are when many college students do their homework, study, catch up, get organized, etc, meet with study groups, sports practices, and the like</p>
<p>So, tell your mom that you will compromise, call, but can’t commit to every sunday because school is so important, you need that time to do your work, and can’t do it at home, but need the library, etc</p>
<p>But, you CAN call, make contact, ask about her, the siblings, etc., it takes nothing away from you, but adds much for your mom</p>
<p>I agree with Sunnyflorida’s approach. Try not to make a big deal of your Mom’s clinginess right now. After you get to school decrease the frequency to a comfort level for both of you keeping in mind her feelings as well. I’m sure it’ll work out okay.</p>
<p>I don’t know what to make of the requests for phone calls and visits, but I wonder if there are some clues about why a parent might be concerned. How would you describe your ability to demonstrate responsibility and self-sufficiency over the last several years? Why did you start at a CC? Not that the answer makes a difference for you, but it might help shed some light on whether your parents are “weird”, or just responding to history.</p>
<p>Personally, I would listen to the whinging with grace and then do your thing at UCLA. Negotiate a ‘substantial’ once-a-week call and tlak to her with great love for 20 minutes. Then, send one or two quick email updates per week. She will enjoy the mail more than she knows.</p>
<p>Once you get to UCLA you can turn off your phone when you don’t want to receive calls. You won’t be the only boy on campus doing that.</p>
<p>Certainly your mom is a bit nervous about having an empty nest. </p>
<p>On the other hand, she may be right about her concern about you taking care of yourself IF she has “babied” you a bit too much. (Your sibs may not have been babied as much) </p>
<p>Do you know how to do laundry properly? remove stains? clean a toilet completely? do you pick up after yourself? Can you manage money? write a check? Do you lose stuff and always ask mom to help you find it? If you haven’t “taken care of yourself” for more than a day or two, then maybe instead of “worrying”, your mom should have made sure that you learned <em>how</em> to take care of yourself this past summer. </p>
<p>My son is a freshman and he’s a bit less “independent” than my other son. To force him to “grow up” and learn to take care of himself, I made him do all of his laundry this summer and I pretty much “backed off” on “mothering” so he would be forced to do stuff himself. He learned to remove stubborn stains, cook more things, etc. When he moved into his dorm, he made it clear that he wanted his “independence.” I knew it was the old, “I don’t need my mom - until I need my mom”. I rarely ever call him, but there are days that he calls me 3 or 4 times a day - to ask how to do something, to vent, or just to talk, etc…</p>
<p>If the above applies to you… then your mom is just a bit “in denial” - she wants to still “be needed” and doesn’t want to accept that her “daily mothering” is over. Some of us moms like to make a “fuss” over our kids - cook their favorite meals, bake their favorite desserts, etc. </p>
<p>Encourage your mom and dad to take a vacation or develop a common interest. She may discover that there is life after “mom”.</p>
<p>As for the phone call frequency… agree to send an email every few days or so…</p>
<p>I go the opposite, 2 minutes 4 times a week is better than once for 20…at least in the beginning</p>
<p>just a Hey mom, how are YOU!!! Miss my dirty socks!!!??? and touching base is better, IMO than a loonnggg drawn out conversation where you are obviouslly irked and searching for things to talk about</p>
<p>What you will find that makes us mom-types smile is calling us when we don’t expect it, or leaving a Hey Love Ya and say Hi to the dog for me message can do wonders for how WE feel, and it takes nothing away from the caller at all</p>
<p>My D is a big talker, but afer about 5 minutes we are both antsy to get off the phone- she is being nice and I worry that I am holding her up from other stuff, so, knowing the maletypes, long phone calls can be painful</p>
<p>So, to ease her mind, call when she doesn’t expect it, leave a message once in a while (my D left one for my H and he smiled all day), and you will discover she will feel better about everything</p>
<p>Imagine her talking to friends- Hey Mrs. dh13Mom, how is dh13, Um don’t know, hasn’t called in 2 weeks…sad face…vs…he is great, left me a quick message on his way to practice, he loves school…etc</p>
<p>Something so simple can make another so happy and at ease without you losing any part of your independence</p>
<p>there was a chapter in the book men are from mars, women are from venus about presents, and while some of the book was so so, this I found to be pretty close</p>
<p>a guy thinks giving one giant present once a year makes up for missing all the other holidays, while the gals like some acknowledgement on each of the holidays- doesn’t have to be big at all, but three dozen roses on valentines day is not better than a single rose once a month</p>
<p>dhl3: IMO your mom is being too clingy–even if you are the youngest child leaving her with an empty nest. You can’t feel guilty about that–you need to move on. You might point out that you’ve been at home 2 years longer than most people going away to college. (You didn’t mention your ethnic group–parent expectations/family obligations vary a lot. . .) </p>
<p>As others have mentioned–take a look at how you’ve “demonstrated” (or not) your ability to take care of yourself. Is it possible that you depend on your mom too much and she thinks you need/can’t live without her? She may have fostered this behavior by doing too much for you. Time to break it off. (Most 18yos are left at their dorms by parents who are very doubtful of the kid’s practical skills–most figure it out pretty quickly).</p>
<p>I think coming home EVERY weekend, or calling every other day is too much. You need to tell her, “Mom, I’ll visit once a month and call twice a week,” or whatever you think is reasonable. Time for you to fly. Time for her to let go–a little. She’ll survive. (Maybe she needs a puppy?)</p>
<p>I don’t know what your major is but there’s no way my Ds (CS majors) could have reasonably come home every weekend even if they wanted to - they simply had too much homework and lab time. </p>
<p>Again, she’ll start to adjust after you start so it’ll probably not end up to be a big deal.</p>
<p>
That’s what I did albeit a 3 y/o puppy. See my thread on ‘substituting a dog for my D’.</p>
<p>The call-every-other-day thing doesn’t sound unreasonable; you can keep the calls short if you choose. The coming home every Sunday is too much for her to ask; if she wants you to be happy on campus and get involved you can’t be planning to come home every weekend. </p>
<p>Can’t tell from your post if your mom is just having trouble letting go of her last baby or if she has good reason based on your past to be concerned about your readiness to be on your own. Either way, if you focus on your studies, make good friends and stay out of trouble (drugs, excessive drinking, etc) she should eventually back off.</p>
<p>I forgot about the coming home every Sunday request…</p>
<p>What I find a bit odd is that you’re not an 18 year old freshman; you’re a 20 year old junior. During the last 2 years, did you spend every Sunday with your parents???</p>
<p>You can get a part-time job that has you working on Sundays… or get a girlfriend that keeps you busy… </p>
<p>You’re 20, you’ve got to establish some boundaries… But make sure the boundaries are a “two way street,” which means that you have to be an adult and take care of yourself.</p>