<p>If I were them, I would say “yes, this is the kind of students we desperately want.”</p>
<p>strong, but could be better. You need to show them how busy you were during that emergency incidence otherwise they will say why didn’t you study over there while you were free. You need to focus on that area…</p>
<p>Other than various minor grammatical errors, what struck me as iffy about your second one is the bolded sentence. I would definitely re-word that; it sounds like you think you have the right to tell them how and when they can rescind you. I would change it to say something like ‘I plan to earn at least an A- in both Calculus III and Biology II this summer, and I promise that XYZ University can expect no less from me.’ [or something like that] to show that you hold yourself to the highest standards, but without sounding patronizing or cocky.</p>
<p>The reasons are strong, I would just format the letters to be a bit less ‘conversational’ and colloquial in style, and grammar check both letters in Word as well… Professionalism is key.</p>
<p>Forgive me because I’m tired and have been writing papers all day, but is there a specific reason why you are writing your explanation in two letters rather than one? If the withdrawals are within the same semester, I would combine both letters into one concise, professional statement.</p>
<p>Good luck, hope everything works out for you. :)</p>
<p>I’m assuming English is not your first language. That said, aside from some grammar issues you’re very capable with it. I think you’re off the mark on tone, however; I think you’re coming off way too strong.</p>
<p>I do think you have good reasons, but you’ll be better off explaining it more matter of factly. Your emphasis turns me off. If you explain your unexpected family situation, your inability to keep up in school because of it, and your plan for dealing with it then I think you’ll be fine.</p>
<p>Your reason for withdrawing is legit, however, the way in which you’re presenting yourself isn’t.
A bit of constructive criticism (2nd letter):</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Proper salutations
Begin with “Dear ______ University Admissions Committee” and end with “Sincerely, your name”. </p></li>
<li><p>Professionalism is imperative. I would completely rewrite the last paragraph. The tone is inappropriate-- it sounds desperate, accusatory, and patronizing. Omit the parts where you claim to be the only applicant to take science classes and a course overload. Also, don’t “give them the right” to rescind you. It won’t help your case.</p></li>
<li><p>Proofread it aloud a couple times; there are frequent grammatical mistakes.</p></li>
<li><p>Your middle two paragraphs are very strong. You may want to expand them at the expense of the last one.</p></li>
<li><p>This is kind of trivial but your diction is a bit off. It seems to me like you’re either using a thesaurus or don’t understand the connotational nuances of some of your words.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Once again, your actual reasons for the withdrawal are strong. As long as you change your tone, you should be fine. Be brief, pithy, and humble.</p>
