Are there something wrong with this Sup

Hi guys. Is this the right place to post a supplementary essay and wait for the most sincere comments that will help me a lot? I’m a brand new guy here and I haven’t figured out much.
Anyway, I’m applying for Colorado College, and I’m working on the second sup with the topic:The Block Plan at Colorado College has a tradition of innovation and flexibility. Please design your own three-and-a-half week course and describe what you would do. (no more than 500 words)
This is my sup:
A plan composed of going out and discovering the world all the time.
It is a plan, but not just a plan. It is a travel back and forth between the past and the present, a travel in which we will have a chance to do what we have never done before and what we probably never have a chance to do again.
Allow me to explain everything.
The sense of studying about something we have never done before brings great excitement. The sense of studying something we believe to have never done before, but in fact is something so familiar that we are glued to it everywhere and anytime, brings something like an extreme personal realization, an “all of a sudden” understanding about one’s own self. Right now, I’m sitting in a room, with a floor composed of beautiful granite carved in equal square shape, a whitely – painted wall, a wooden door, enjoying the cool air of the air – conditioner while admiring the beauty of the garden outside. I’m an ordinary person. What if the clock turns to 1916, 1816, or even 1016 in stead of 2016, where would I be sitting? What would my house, my neighbor’s houses, or my neighbor’s neighbors’ houses, looked like? It raise certain fascination in me to study, no, to learn about how our living conditions or, to be specific, our houses evolved through time – a process that can also help us understand how human beliefs shifted. That’s a course I would love to learn here in Colorado: study about the evolution of houses.

Here is the plan.
First step: to the ancient time. Ancient people, I believed, lived in caves. So, we’re going to study about caves. We learn, through ancient pictures carved there, about their eating habits, what kind of herbivores, or carnivores, or anything that make up their desired meals. Through those images, we can also understand more about their wishes, their desires and goals. We studied, through traces, about their hunting habits, how they make clothes, or tools, and so on if the materials are available. Not just that, we will delve in with the way they live. In the evening, we will make great fire and enjoy our meals around it, just like our ancestors. In the late night, when we look at the sky, we try to omit all of our modern beliefs and perception, look at different stars and try to talk about them in the most pristine way. By doing so, we can know a bit more about who we are since the beginning.
Next step: the feudal period. Share the whole class into two groups: the big group will visit some kind of old palace and the small group looks into some old farmer’s house. The two group collect data about: size of houses, how many rooms each house has, what kind of material made up the two houses, what kind of tools and equipments can be find there, and some more data. Add things up in each case, give it numbers. Assemble the groups. Compare the data. It is common knowledge that the ancient time is a time of great separation, but studying like this, in forms of real experiences and real numbers, give things a clearer picture. A shift in human beliefs and organizations is acknowledged.
The feudal system collapsed. An evolutionary world began. New types of houses sprang up, each of which represent different perceptions of people around the world. The arch structures, which were applied to lots of churches that time, will be thoroughly examined. The other forms of houses, like the prairie house, will be looked deep into.
The travel to the past ends. It’s time to get back to the present. Technological improvements change the world continuously. An in-depth look into all of these fields cannot be done within few last days, but surely learning one of those modern forms of houses is possible. Let’s make it the study about skyscrapers. Skyscrapers rise everywhere, so choose one to have an in-depth look. Look at a skyscraper, from the overall structure, the organization of all houses, to the specific structures of each and every apartment inside. Learn about how the electric, or water, or Internet system flow through all the houses. Learn about how every single element are combined perfectly to create an entire structure that supports hundreds of lives. The complexity of human brains at the moment will be seen through.
That’s the end for the time travel. A lot will be gained through all of these. Finally, I can understand why I am sitting in a nice room looking to a nice garden outside. Finally, a bit more about human in general is revealed.

Apart from the fact that it is too long, do you guys feel that this essay at least make some senses? Please give me as much criticism as possible. I would be very grateful.
Thanks a lot!!!

@oneblackpoint this is the right thread…just maybe best to pm individual readers than posting like this I’ve read for other ppl before so you can pm me later if you want or go to the thread on this “College Essays” page called Consolidated List of Readers on CC it’s stickied

anyway since it’s up I’ll give you my feedback anyway…

say “I” not “we” it’s YOUR plan not everyone’s

i quite like your intro/segue into your interest in houses…“I am an ordinary person” throws the reader off a bit though

your conclusion is also nice

I see some pretty big issues with wording and grammar but we can talk about that later through message or you can ask someone else like an English teacher cuz that’s pretty specific you’d have to look at each sentence carefully

talking about looking at each sentence…try to think of what each sentence adds to your essay-does everything have a clear purpose and flow…does it answer the prompt…I’m not sure all of this does

I do like however that you have a central theme of houses throughout your mock schedule…your passion for the subject clearly comes through

I think your strongest of the three “classes” is the ancient one you describe that nicer and more coherently than the others, so maybe think about what makes that better and emulate it in your others

overall, I think this has the potential to be an excellent essay, but really focus on your wording and grammar you want the message to come through clearly because on first read, this is a bit discombobulating
It’s ok to have some sentence fragments for stylistic purpose but the majority of your essay is like that which doesn’t work in your favor in my opinion

hope that helps!

Wow, thanks a lot. You really open my mind.

Great glad it helped!

You sound pretty rich and it looks like you’ve always been like that. Try adding a bit of humility into this. There are places in this world that still live in what you call “the feudal” or “ancient” times, you need to understand and respect that.

ooh good point @aymaro

aymaro I will look deeply into that. Thanks anyway!