I grew up in a time and culture where certain things were ‘private’ ie sex, income, family matters etc. and I don’t mean how much I paid for a haircut! More and more these days, I see and hear things that, in my view, should remain within the marriage or union / family.
Yesterday, a friend, who used to tell me about ‘Friday night sex’, until I told her that I didn’t feel our friendship was equitable because I don’t share my private life with her and it’s not fair that she gives so much, was telling me about her husband’s fetish! NO!!! I do not want to know, thank you! I can NEVER look at him the same way again.
Turn on the TV or open an online news site, and we are bombarded with very intimate, and sometimes sordid, details of people’s lives. Did the Kardashians break those walls are barriers, or am I just old fashioned?
In my experience it depends upon the family and individual. Ever since I’ve been able to distinguish words I’ve known people who have shared literally everything and some who later surprised me when I found something out because they shared nothing. Then there’s everyone else in between.
I think modern TV and Internet spread things further, but it doesn’t really change the individual. That’s either learned or innate.
When I look back at ancient artwork (BC and AD), I don’t think much was left to the imagination then either, but I suspect it still depended upon who the individual was.
@momo2x2018 OMG. I’ve heard some crazy stuff, but your friend is really out there.
Yes, oversharing is common. The thing is, parents don’t tell their kids when they are 10-12 about this and as a result there’s sexting, sharing info publicly and all the rest. Some behaviors can be dangerous. Our kids aren’t allowed to post about politics ( or even comment) or photos. They do have social media accounts but they are mostly watchers and we check devices. And some “apps” are not allowed.
We’re old school. People could look at our house and some of the things we do and make some assumptions but we’ve never shared personal stuff like that.
I have a handful of very close friends and we talk politics and with one I would talk about money stuff. But only one.
We moved about a year ago and during our first BBQ with the new neighbors we found out our neighbor had googled our old house. He told us. Well, it looked great before we sold so (LOL). But so weird people can find so much online. He didn’t think it was weird at all. Though his family seemed to.
I agree with the above that it depends on the person and always has. Some things like income and finances are shared more freely than back in the days. I am not an oversharer but have friends who share everything and I have no issues with either way.
Oh, and I tend to be more of a sharer. It runs in my mom’s family line that way, but my dad was far more secretive - as is my sister. Interestingly enough, I was raised more by my dad and my sister was raised more by my mom due to their divorce and custody, so perhaps it’s more genetic than taught.
H is more of a “keep it to yourself” person. His family is the same. They are extreme IMO as H hasn’t even heard of deaths in the family (aunts, uncles, cousins) until after the funeral was over. He also has no idea about a lot of his dad’s finances even with his dad being 92 and with health issues. His dad recently fell and really hurt his knee (horrid swelling and couldn’t easily move), but neither his dad nor his brother called H to let him know. His brother left FIL to fend for himself at home. H found out 4 days later with a regular phone call.
My mom kept her finances to herself until she learned she had cancer. Then I knew everything. She didn’t tell everyone though.
With the differences in those experiences we’ve opted to share ours with our kids. It’s easier when they know and we really have nothing to hide with it all, but it’s not out for everyone to see on the internet.
I have a sibling that lives for searching things out online. She’ll tell me about relatives I don’t even know getting speeding tickets or similar. She thrives on spreading “bad” news. My dad would tell me such things too, but at least he stuck with people I know.
H will look up where people live or lived online and pull up google earth. It’s curiosity for him.
I think there is a difference between being private and being secretive. Being secretive to me has more of a negative connotation, like you are trying to hide something. Being private, IMO, just means that you tend to keep things to yourself that you don’t feel is anyone else’s business.
My husband and I fall more on the private side. There are some things we just don’t share with other people - for instance, anything to do with our sex life, our finances, and depending on the issue, personal things about our children.
I have a Facebook page but hardly ever post anything on it. I don’t post any pictures of my family (Or anyone else for that matter) without their permission.
It amazes me just how much people share, especially on social media. It’s one thing to have a conversation with a friend about something personal but I don’t understand why someone would share some of the things they do on social media.
I share more on CC than I do IRL, and we have always been very open about everything with our son, but I’d say we’re fairly private with friends. We’d never talk about sex or money with ANYone, faith only with someone who brought it up, and never politics (anymore) unless we know everyone we’re with is part of our political herd. Seems we’re reduced to weather, COVID, what’s for dinner, and (the lack of) sports these days.
I totally agree that there is way too much over sharing everywhere.
Look at it the way you want. Consume it the way your want. Share the way you want.
All choices for the most part. That’s the way I see it.
I am not an over sharer but I will share for the result to be HELPING. I also won’t hesitate to “share” if in a conversation about a topic I feel strongly about. So in that case “sharing” is being confident and not afraid to express viewpoints on issues.
I don’t know these days with more social isolation I don’t think it’s a bad thing if the sharing is providing people with more views, more connection. Again, control your own doses.
Also in a sad, but timely example. Chrissy Teigen and John Legend lost their about 1/2 term baby last night. She has been on bedrest for a couple of weeks and having severe placenta bleeding problems. She has been very, very honest about her feelings, fears, physical developments, treatment etc. They posted comment late last night afterwards - pictures and words about their experience and baby Jack that brought me to tears.
Comments and press around their loss is showing appeals of thanks for her honesty and expression of gut wrenching feelings. As a celeb they will receive backlash of course. But the sharing - is also resulting in compassion and “me too” for so many, many other parents who may have had to grieve such a situation.
And this is not my thread, but I would sure like to see it NOT become a social media bashing as “sharing” can occur in many venues that is not social media.
I was talking to my mother a few days ago, trying to figure out a way to go see her and my sibs. before the end of the year. My mother told me that if we were able to go, due to his poor health, I would not be able to spend time with my BiL. When I enquired about his ‘poor health’, I learned by BiL has been suffering from an auto-immune disease for…FORTY YEARS, and I’ve known him for 43 years … talk about secretive!
Good distinction. My mind was probably working that way too when it wrote secretive. A true example from the past would have been when my sister told me on the phone, “Don’t tell anyone, but Dad and I went to Ice Follies last night.” My mind instantly wondered why that needed to be a secret. It’s not illegal. No one was ditching work or another obligation. No one in our family would be judgmental about going there. Why did it need to be a secret?
On the other hand, my sister regularly tells everyone she meets - even strangers at a yard sale - about physical ailments. My dad did too toward his end. I felt sorry for strangers at a restaurant (customers and servers) trying to be polite and listening to him for several minutes. I chalked his up to older age and mental progression.
No one in our family has sexual relations as far as I’ve heard. All kids are likely adopted*. I’ve heard enough exploits from others to be at my personal limit though.
Joking, though some are TBH - they make family news enough to know.
Although now that I’m thinking about it, H’s mom was also adopted - he plus his brother found out about it after her death. I don’t know if that falls under secretive or not-sharing. Either way, H was very disappointed not to have known about it earlier. I think BIL was too. They felt like they’re not “good enough” in the family to know even the “family secrets.”
I think there are a lot of things that have been destigmatized, and that’s good. And I agree that if people are comfortable sharing about certain things, it can help people cope. (If you’ve ever lost a pregnancy, you probably know – if you shared that – how many other women have too.) Women speaking up about male coworkers who have abused their power is critical to ending that.
While I would not share my salary, it is necessary for people to do so to identify systemic problems (like paying women and minorities less.)
And yes, there are those things that probably shouldn’t be shared. As well as info that’s publicly available and not really something most folks need to know. A lot of it comes down to knowing what you’re comfortable having others know about you as well as gauging whether the listener is comfortable with what you are telling them. We probably all miss the mark from time to time.
I agree that sharing can be helpful and validating. For example, my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage. I had not planned on telling anyone I was pregnant until I passed the first trimester b/c like I said, I’m fairly private, but mostly because I tend to be emotional and I didn’t want to have to listen over and over to people expressing condolences if something happened early on. Unfortunately, I was pressured by one of my best friends at a social event when I wasn’t drinking - I was 9 weeks. Due to her own drinking that night and her loose lips, my news was shared. I found out a week later my baby had no heartbeat and found myself exactly in a situation I didn’t want to be in. I wanted to control my personal information on my own timeline. I can’t tell you how many people congratulated me on the pregnancy, not knowing I had just had a m/c the week before and then we both felt awful when I had to tell them my sad news. I have no problem with people knowing I had a m/c and freely offered up that information later when others I knew were struggling after their own. But I didn’t want to have to discuss it when I was still emotionally fragile. I do think it is important though to discuss these kinds of things so that others know they are not alone. I do not mind at all talking about my m/c now, but not within days of my loss when I was devastated, after three years of TTC.
That said, certain personal things I will discuss when the situation warrants it. But I am not the type to blast personal information to a wide audience on my Facebook page. For example, I’m in a Facebook group with about 25 women who all had babies the same month as my oldest (we migrated from an online board). We share all kinds of things there that I wouldn’t necessarily talk about with my friends IRL, parenting advice, etc. Even tho many of us have met IRL and we know each other’s real names, there is still a level of privacy since we are mainly an online network of support and have been together for over 20 years. I don’t have to worry that what we talk about may get back to someone in my regular life.
I’ll overshare. I’m about to go continue cleaning FIL’s house while H has him back at his home (not river cottage) catching up on yard work and things there. I despise cleaning my own house, much less other people’s houses.
Such is life. I’ll tell FIL later that I’m happy to be able to help. I guess I am happy to help, but I’m happier helping with entertainment playing games (or cooking food, doing laundry, or picking up groceries/take out).
It is a spectrum. My husband is almost on one end of it. He is totally private. He never even told me his mom had cancer. I found out from my bil on a call one day. He did not tell me for a couple months after that when we were in the car to go see her for Thanksgiving (she died the next spring). He just doesn’t like to share with anyone. His family was very like that and still is. I didn’t know my niece was pregnant until I got a birth announcement!
My parents were a little more sharing but not much. They felt all things good could be shared but could not believe I told people my daughter was adopted and told everyone my sister died in a car incident when she committed suicide in a car. Those things were never to be spoken of in public! My parents were MUCH older (mom was 44 when I was born) and that is how things were when they grew up.
Some of their secrets hurt me and how I thought so sometimes I may overshare but we don’t talk religion, politics or money unless it is with a very select person we have known forever. I would never talk sex with any one outside my very immediate family.
I will openly discuss my daughter’s mental illness battles (with her permission) because I may be able to help someone going through it. It was hard on me when no one talked about it and I felt I had done something wrong. I needed to hear others went through similar things. I will talk about adoption and issues my son had when he was in high school so people know they aren’t’ alone and things can get better.
I agree about the word "secretive"in the context of this conversation. I view “secretive” to mean not revealing something that should be revealed. “Private” means you keep things to yourself that are none of anyone else’s business.
JMO.
I have relatives who post constantly on social media. I cannot believe some of the stuff they reveal to the public. In some cases, I think it’s a matter of these people really REALLY needing outside validation/admiration, so they overshare in order to fill that void.
Then again, “oversharing” can mean different things to different people.
Yes, I guess it depends on your definition. My sister got very upset at me recently for not being “open” and telling her sooner that I drink socially. We grew up in a fundamentalist, teetotaling family. I really didn’t think it was any of her business so I waited a long time to tell her (when my kids were teens and I didn’t want them to feel like they had to hide something innocent).
On the other hand, there is a LOT she doesn’t tell me. I found out her son had COVID from my dad, not her. She did tell me she didn’t tell me sooner because she wasn’t sure if her son would be sharing the news. I said, “Um, D said he posted about it on Instagram…”
I recently joined Facebook and regretted it about an hour later. I “like”-d a cute cat picture and suddenly everyone knows where I went to high school and college and where I work. No, thanks. I went back and deleted much of the info I had just entered, grumbling about the time waste.
Yeah, I know I am VERY late to the party. College Confidential was about the extent of my social media. I thought it would be useful since that is how a lot of the families at DD’s school have been communicating. It turns out it isn’t that useful.
