<p>what reason is there to do so?
I think dwelling on difficult situations or experiences bogs us down, and makes an obstacle that we then have to go around.
I don’t believe in pretending nothing bad ever happens- on the contrary I think it is important that our children learn to fall & get up again. We learn more from a mistake, than when everything goes smoothly.</p>
<p>But talking about stressful things unless you are actively problem solving, doesn’t seem like a good use of time or energy.</p>
<p>I also agree that no matter if your problems seem bigger or smaller than your neighbors, if they are overwhelming to you- find someone that can help you sort them.</p>
<p>Along with taking care of yourself physically ( exercise , sleep & nutritionally), taking care of yourself emotionally & mentally can require outside resources, there isn’t anything wrong with getting some help.
:)</p>
<p>There is a big gigantic difference between dwelling on and wallowing in life’s miseries…and sharing and seeking social support of close others when the going gets rough. Likewise there is a big difference between having trait rumination, and leaning on select others for social support from time to time. </p>
<p>Most people I see day to day would not want to hear about my insecurities, worries, problems of the day so I don’t share them. I also figure its better not to dwell on them anyways. And I imagine if i did that it would lead people to avoid me </p>
<p>But, I do have a handful of very close friends who I can and do comfortably self-disclose when I have to (and they can do the same with me). And I think we developed our closeness from sharing our problems (like missypie says, someone has to go first, but usually there is mutual self-disclosure). </p>
<p>Such friends let me get something off my chest, really be myself, and not have to hold up pretenses. They understand me and can commiserate with me. They certainly assure me that I’m not the only one who has had problems! They let me wallow in my pity-party, but they will also kick me in the butt toward solutions if I wallow too long. Our friendships are centered mostly around joyful topics- I hope!- but we are there for each other when we need help too. </p>
<p>I can’t imagine having close friendships where I can not share my inner struggles and problems from time to time. Everyone has down days or rough spots in life: and true friends are ones that can see you through them. Indeed, my definition of a best friend would be someone I could call at 2am in an emotional crisis (though I have only had to do that once in my life, thank god, I now appreciate how special those few friends were who I felt I could call during that terrible time). If I did not have such friends in my life, it would be a major void that must get filled! Close friendships- aside from a good marriage partner- are fundamental to wellbeing and I don’t know how you can have close friends if you can’t share your worst fears or toughest times with them (and vice versa).</p>
<p>No. I’m not happy/content. btw- did someone attempt some bible verse with phil## (wouldn’t know it)? Quotes from any literature are irrelevent. Some people are naturally content with whatever life deals them. Others are getting what they want out of life- kids doing well, everything going their way. </p>
<p>My major problem is life on hold. Trying to sell our house so we can leave town. No control over the situation. Frustrated- gardening, decorating is different when you plan to leave. So is the local scene when you mentally prepare to be gone any time, you divorce yourself from the place but can’t leave. Years ago things were much different- now no ties for work or school, plus the neighbor kids have all grown and gone as well so we no longer have those ties. It will be different when we regain control of our lives. #$%^ housing market. </p>
<p>This doesn’t even consider the feelings when son told us he will postpone grad school for a year- now he needs to job hunt… Uncertainties there. But we can live our lives independent of son while we can’t live independently of our housing.</p>
<p>I guess I would call myself happy but with a high level of anxiety…job/career in flux (no fault of my own, and no resolution yet), worry about my newly graduated daughter finding a job she likes but will also pay enough to cover her loans, and low level constant anxiety over things like my pets getting noticeably older (as am I!) Also have found myself avoiding interactions with my “more successful friends” lately, as I feel I no longer have much in common with them?! Sad, but.</p>
<p>Not implying that anyone here does this, but I don’t share my troubles much with people because they just seem to see it as an opportunity for them to talk about theirproblems! I do have a few friends who are good listeners, and I’m happy to reciprocate as a listener but it gets tiresome when you know the question, ‘How are you?’, is just a preface for them to one-up whatever you’re going through, however trivial. They may think they’re being empathetic but in reality, all I hear is “Me-me-me-me”.</p>
<p>Sorry, I’m just feeling cranky. (So much for happy & content!)</p>
<p>I too agree that you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. I have two very close friends with whom I share pretty much everything and it goes both ways. We have all had some very trying times with illnesses, children, parents, job losses. Others probably think that we are “happy and contented” but the reality is much different.</p>
<p>I truly believe that you are “only as happy as your least happy child”. At least it seems that way to me. So, if I ever get the kids “happy and contented”, I think mine will follow. </p>
<p>I know, I shouldn’t feel that way and I should “live for myself”, recognize that it is not in my power to make my kids happy and try to emotionally separate myself…but even though it is logical, I can’t seem to accomplish it!</p>
<p>I think people either share their pain with all or generally keep problems among just their closest friends. Personally I’m for the latter, I’m always happy to listen to a friend but not so much acquaintances. </p>
<p>I am content, but it took a while and lots of work to get here.</p>
<p>I’ve felt overwhelmed at times, and fought off feelings of jealousy of other families with kids that are so competent (nearly everyone around here) while mine struggled in so many ways. BUT I’ve always thought that the easiest thing in the world is to look around and find someone in worse shape than you are. If you can’t find them in your circle, you can surely find them in war-torn, impoverished parts of the world.</p>
<p>My next door neighbor has seven kids. I don’t think she’d tell me about some sorts of problems, but OTOH I don’t see evidence of any problems anywhere. All are college grads, all working, still married, grandkids are all accomplished in school, sports, music and/or other things. They visit vacation homes, hers or their inlaws. It’s amazing. They truly seem charmed.</p>
<p>I look around my extended family and see problems galore, some really serious. I would not talk about these problems with most people, and they wouldn’t know about them unless I mentioned them.</p>
<p>I’m always impressed by people that can share good news without bragging, and who can share bad news without whining.</p>
<p>I am definitely only happy if my kids are happy…and with 2 girls is there any time when they are both happy, feeling well, doing well in school, and content? Very rarely. So that leaves me feeling worried and discontent pretty much all of the time. Throw elderly parents into the mix, and a husband who is not emotional/communicative, and I end up feeling overwhelmed most of the time. </p>
<p>Life is definitely not easy for me…but I feel, deep within, that others seem to have an easier time of it than me. Maybe others can really turn off their worry, or are just less aware or focused on how their loved ones are doing. I don’t know, but I do know that I am doing something wrong because I am definitely NOT enjoying my own life.</p>
<p>I agree that you’re only as happy as your least happy FAMILY member. When my kids were in being significantly challenged medically, educationally and socially, I was sadder than when I was having personal health issues. Now that things have largely stabilized/improved & the kids are pretty happy, I & H allow ourselves to be MUCH happier & more optimistic. As has been said, attitude can really carry you through some tough times, especially if & your loved ones have champions to be with you through dark hours/days/weeks/months. No one can know exactly what each of us have lived through but I suspect we’ve all had more than our share of challenges that have gotten us to this point. We’ve all made some sacrifices and had some successess and disappointments. The key is whether we use adversity as a learning tool & brush ourselves off and try to move on or become defeated by it–it has made us as a family and each of us individually more resiliant, empathetic and compassionate that we have faced daunting adversity.</p>
<p>Life does not deal hands evenly, but we each make choices and do the best with what we have and will get as we move forward. We can learn from our experiences or keep repeating them and try to get better results.</p>
<p>During our toughest times, I and all of us would consciously count our blessings and thank the higher beings for the blessings we have (tho we are not religious). Even though we are our difficulties, I could always think of countless people who were having tougher challenges (food & shelter insecurity, no loved ones, eminently terminal health conditions, pain, etc.) These helped us keep things in perspective and helped us recognize our good fortune in living in this country, having adequate food, shelter and resources to have options and opportunities.</p>
<p>^ So true HImom. When I find the compulsion to view others with envy, I find it really helps to realize that the comparison only reflects a blip of time. A snapshot. What we don’t appreciate is that everyone’s life is a long trajectory. Some may have things good this month, and tragic the next. You can’t envy others because you really have no idea what path they have been on already, nor what path they will be on down the road. Not to mention, as the OP has, we only see the surface of what people’s lives are really about. </p>
<p>I frequently recall an old friend (call him X) who for decades envied his coworker (Y), who seemed to have it all. Perfect career success, family, esteem. It ate at X for years. Then the envied coworker, Y, died way too young. Meanwhile old friend X, who once envied, no longer does. He’s got 20 plus years on the man he once wished he was. We have no way of knowing. </p>
<p>Likewise it is so easy for us to worry about our kids. Just flip on the TV or read the news of kids who are seriously ill, or in deep inreversible trouble. Often I find my worries, in the BIG SCHEME of things, are really pretty small by comparison to what others have dealt with. And I know if something were to happen to my kids, the things I ‘worry about’ now would be so so so inconsequential. As I see it, if your kids are alive, healthy, growing, and mentally doing okay, the rest is just icing on the cake. </p>
<p>Not that I’m necessarily good at it, but I do think it is so important to get perspective, even when its hard to do so.</p>
<p>H likes to say, he much prefers this side of the grass than being under the grass. He’s remarked that of his HS class of 600+ over 100 are known to have died before their 50th reunion. </p>
<p>We know some great families who have had their tragedies–one of my D’s best friend’s dad has just emerged from his coma but has not spoken yet AT ALL. </p>
<p>One year, 4 friends & co-workers of H all died together in a freak accident; their young children are now being raised by grandparents. One person at the office has installed & stocks vending machines at the office & recycles containers with the funds going to the kids’ educational fund.</p>
<p>I have several good friends with “lost” children. We all hope the kids/young adults will find their path in the near future but no one knows. The families do their best and I’m sure people who don’t know things probably envy them because they APPEAR to have $$, success & good lives. One of them is exhausted raising her grandchild. One has had her child in the hospital for a severe meningitis infection that has caused her to have all limbs amputated and multiple surgeries. Another called to ask for a referral for a criminal defense attorney for operating a stolen vehicle. Life is a “mixed bag” for everyone. The better you know the families & individuals, the more you know that MANY have overcome challenges others know nothing about (even those who appear to lead “charmed lives”).</p>
<p>My mood is directly related to my kids, and I know it is not good for me, but with health issues and school challenges, there seem to be few days without some kind of worry.</p>
<p>How do others with similar challenges cope?</p>
<p>quest, I know it’s hard to be happy when your kids are not, and most of us put our kids first. I was diagnosed with cancer a year ago, and my biggest fear was not for me, or my husband, but my kids, even though they are pretty much raised. It’s a primal thing.</p>
<p>That said, you have to take care of yourself, or the stress will make you sick. Your kids have their own path to walk. You’re helping with the route maps and signposts and food for the journey, but you’re not walking the same path. </p>
<p>I am fortunate to be a naturally optimistic person, even though I worry. Still, as an optimist, I’ve had real issues-- serious illness for me, health worries about my husband, one D with a chronic disease, work/unemployment/money issues… nothing more than most middle-aged people have to deal with, but still, it’s a lot sometimes. I cope by: exercising (long dog walks, pilates), time with good friends, occasional escapes (weekend trips), having friends over for dinner, watching good escapist movies/TV shows (either funny like Modern Family or the Office or thrilling like MI5). And yes, a good slug of pinot noir in the evening. And talking to friends/sisters/husband.</p>
<p>So my advice would be take care of yourself. Get some exercise. Ditch your responsibilities and find a friend to go with you to the movies or to get a pedicure. Read a really good book. Trust that your kids will be all right in the long run, and practice letting go of them a little tiny bit every day.</p>
<p>op- i finally realized that everyone has sorrow, its part of the human condition. I think about all the pain in my life, and look at other people and understand that they probably have similar pain. I cope by finding some daily moment of grace, a decent conversation, interesting article, crossword, funny pet stuff, sounds stupid, but somehow it works.</p>
<p>For as far back as I can remember, I have been at least reasonably happy. That is not to say that my life has been perfect, it hasn’t. I have had struggles and sorrows. There are some things in my life now that are difficult and I wish were different, but overall I still consider myself happy.</p>
<p>One more thing–moods are contagious. I try to stay around people & places that are mostly upbeat and find that minimizing my time around toxic people & environments is very important to me.</p>
<p>One way I try to stay content/happy is to remember that EACH of us can choose how to handle what life presents to us. In identical circumstances, some of us will be able to take challenges in stride (even emerging stronger) while others are knocked for a loop. </p>
<p>I know my mood affects those I love so I try to stay optimistic and hope that things will work out for the best as long as we do all we can to help things along. I’ve MOSTLY stopped fussing over things I can’t change and focus on what to do next and how to optimize & maximize what we have control over–it has been a very useful strategy, especially for dealing with serious chronic health issues (mine and loved ones).</p>
<p>I try every day to “choose your attitude”, and to find ways to be happy. It does make a difference in my feelings at the end of the day. There are lots of management books and videos that use that idea… but, totally non-PC and out of style, as I typed that last sentence, I flashed back on my childhood and watching the movie/reading the book “Pollyanna”. Once in style, totally scorned in the “me” decades… turns out to be a pretty good attitude. Find the good side of life and do your best.
Gee, why did we think that was stupid?</p>
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