<p>I was going to put this comment in the “bragging” thread, but decided that there is a flip side to this, and that this might merit its own thread. Forgive me if I’m too braggy, mostly I’m trying to convey a sense of appreciation for how things are for us at this moment.</p>
<p>We’re the parents of three-- a girl, who is a college sophomore and two sons–age 25 and 28. Our daughter went back to college last Sunday after being home for several weeks. My wife and I are sad to again have an empty nest. But we decided that we’re going to focus on being grateful for how well our relationships with our grown children have worked out. Our children are kind to us. They take time to be with us. We’re also appreciative that our children like each other and make an effort to hang out with each other.</p>
<p>We’re grateful because we know that this is not always the case. We have several friends who seem to us that they’ve been great parents who have strained or almost non existent relationships with their grown children. One friend’s son and daughter-in-law live within easy driving distance, but he has seen his grandchildren (3-year-old twins) only twice. They reject his attempts to get together. My wife’s niece told her that she chose to go to college in London and then stay there to get away from her parents.</p>
<p>The thing that really prompted this burst of gratitude was how my daughter got back to her college, which is a five hour drive away. She had too many belongings to take back to go on the bus. So she requested a ride. In the past, when driving her to college was required, my wife and I have driven the five hours there, rented a hotel room and returned the next day. Expensive and inconvenient. My daughter and her 25 year old brother came up with an alternate plan. My daughter borrowed our car and drove to my son’s house which is on the way to her college, but two hours away. They drove the remaining three hours together. Then my son drove the three hours back to his house. The following day, my son and his girlfriend drove separately the two hours to our house to return the car. All told, my son spent 10 hours on the road, and his girlfriend four hours. I thought that was going the extra mile, or maybe the extra 600 miles.</p>
<p>My son said he enjoyed chatting with his sister. He told us that when he helped bring her belongings up to her dorm room, there were four of her friends sprawled out in the hallway waiting to enthusiastically greet her. He said he was happy to see that she has such a nice group of friends.</p>
<p>So tell me, how are things working out with you and your out-of-the nest children?</p>
<p>Mine are not out of the nest yet, first one leaving next year, but this is what I hope for! My kids have a pretty ideal relationship now (boy and girl, 5 years apart), in that they are kind to each other, they like to hang out with each other, and they are genuinely supportive of one another. I do believe parents foster that kind of relationship between siblings, as well as between parents and kids. We have always tried to stress being kind to each other, respectful, and really just to treat your family no different than you would treat your friends. So far, so good… kudos to you and your wife for raising adults you can be proud of!</p>
<p>My family is a lot like the OP’s, except forward a few years. We have two sons who are both married and a daughter who is working on her PhD and is in a “serious” relationship. </p>
<p>My oldest lives nearby and we go to church together, I see his wife almost daily (because we like to) and we see our grandson multiple times per week. We are so, so blessed and we know that!!! Our second son lives a bit farther away, but we see him and his wife several times per month, and our daughter attends the same church they do, so they are very close. </p>
<p>I’m not super happy with the relationship I have with the one D that is out of my nest. But then, I wasn’t thrilled with the relationship we had when she was in the nest either. I expect the younger two will be better.</p>
<p>My oldest has one foot out of the nest and things are better than they were. Real world experience is giving him an appreciation for what we’ve provided him. And the realization that our advice may actually have some merit.</p>
<p>This winter break went very well, and I miss him. I can’t see him staying local after he graduates.</p>
<p>When our youngest graduates we will be at retirement age and plan on selling and moving somewhere else. So I expect we’ll be scattered in different places.</p>
<p>There is a large age difference between him and his half siblings, but I think they’ll have cordial if not close adult relationships.</p>
<p>Not happy. It’s been a bumpy ride for us. We love them very much, and they feel the same way. One tihing that I am very grateful for is that all of mine are close to each oter and like each other a lot as well as loving their siblings. Very close group there.</p>
<p>I am pretty happy as well. I do sometimes feel some insecurity over the sense that coming home is/will be boring for our grown children. DS works in the big, exciting city and has a GF, college friends and colleagues nearby to hang out with, and D goes to school in a beautiful, sunny place with cool friends. Our house and suburb pale by comparison, and since they found much better friends in college than in high school, the home town crowd is not a draw for them either. I’m not sure DH and I are interesting enough to attract their ongoing attention, LOL.</p>
<p>My older ds is a junior in college, so he’s not quite “gone,” but I like our relationship very much. He’s polite and respectful but also has learned to set limits with us, which is fine with me. I’ve been waiting for him to be more self-assured and assertive! He’s a late bloomer (see that thread), but this year he’s finally started to give real thought to his appearance, wearing things that if I had suggested a couple of years ago he’s have balked big time. When he’s home for the holidays, he’s anxious to see extended family. He really is a joy.</p>
<p>Am very pleased with how much the iPhone5 has enhanced our relationship with our kids. They have always been close to each other and us, but with the instant text messages, they reply a LOT more often than they did with the former phones. D is in her last term, 2500 miles from us and S is working 5000 miles from us. We are very pleased that they are close to each other and to us. S stops by to visit D often when he is in town for business (about 2 weeks out of every month), and he takes her and a friend out to eat. He and she drove across the country (from LA to Tahoe, Chicago and finally DC) to settle him into his new place. </p>
<p>They both came home for a long visit this Christmas. S was home for nearly 3 weeks and D was home for a month. We asked whether they wanted to celebrate the holidays anywhere else but both were emphatic that they wanted to be HOME!</p>
<p>I’m very happy with our relationship and that both are close to all their cousins (my sibs kids). Wish they were closer to my BIL’s kids as well, but they live in SF and have never spent much effort around our kids. My sibs and their kids all live in Honolulu and we got together many times/month with my folks all through their childhood. We attended the HS graduations of all the HI cousins. ;)</p>
<p>It’s very sweet that our S & D drove her back to college together & saved you & your spouse the long drive & overnight stay! These stories make me smile!</p>
<p>I’m fairly happy so far. I don’t talk to mine as frequently as a lot of others, but I think we have good relationships. None of them are married or have any kids yet. That can always change things. I hope I am accepting of who ever they choose as life partners when that happens.</p>
<p>Fantastic! I talk to my D1 (working in a city about 1,000 miles away) a few times a week on the phone, and we chat on Facebook about once a week. I went to visit her this fall, and she flew home at Christmas. The only part that isn’t great is that she is so far away. But our relationship is wonderful.</p>
<p>I’m fairly happy with my relationship with my adult kids. S1 is much more communicative than S2, but that’s how it’s always been. They both talk to us weekly, but phone calls with S1 can last anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour; with S2, 10-15 minutes is usually the max. When they come home to visit, S1 actually spends time around us; S2 spends most of his time in his room.</p>
<p>We are very happy, but everybody is very very busy, do not have time to evaluate anything. We are definitely very proud of kids and grandkids and see them sometime, nobody is in our hometown</p>
<p>Child one graduates from college inApril and child two is a freshman in college. They do not get along too well, but that seems to be improving. We have good relationships with each of them. The younger sent me a “you are a wonderful mom” text this week. Can’t beat that.</p>
<p>We’re happy NOW. Through last school year, we were still too enmeshed, from both sides. D shared too much of her life with us, and we were too free with unsolicited advice. Too much worry for us, wondering whether we should say something and if so what, and conflict about our trying to run her life, as she saw it.</p>
<p>Over the summer, we had some long conversations and made the decision that it was time to move to the next phase, and it’s worked out great. D contacts us much less often, and when she does, it’s either positive news or some piece of business that needs taking care of. On our end, we resist the impulse to text frequently and to tell her what we think about what she’s doing (unless she asks). It was extremely hard at first, biting my tongue, but feelings have followed action and now I can tell myself “She’ll figure it out without my help” – and mean it. So much less stress!</p>
<p>Well–I’m extremely happy for my Son in his pursuit of his life after having graduated in May 2011. </p>
<p>He turned 18 in Sept of his senior year in high school so by freshman year of college there was not a lot of a parent-child relationship left. We negotiated our joint particiation in the college funding long before his freshman year began so money was not an issue in college and he has been on his own since graduation.</p>
<p>The father-son relationship has been great. The logistics of communicating are now easier since he lives in the US after living nearly a year in Asia. Somehow we seem to manage to talk, text or skype on a frequency that works for us without a schedule and with no recriminations if he or I don’t make it happen everytime.</p>
<p>I take it as a dual compliment when he infrequently asks for my take on something. Its great that he figures most things out on his own, but that he knows I will take the time to listen and discuss something he wants to bounce off me.</p>
<p>It is great that parent-child gives way to father-son.</p>
<p>My relationship with my two out of the nest kids has always been good, but this fall took an unexpected turn. My husband of 37 years passed away in Oct suddenly from a bicycling accident.He swerved to avoid another cyclist,fell and hit his helmeted head.Never regained consciousness and died 4 days later. D is married and lives in the midwest (I am in NY) She and husband dropped everything,literally, drove to the airport and got the last flight out that night to be with me. S is in graduate school up in Mass.He dropped everything and drove home that night. When we realized the magnitude of the crisis, S arranged with his grad program to stay with me in NY, do classwork online, drive up for some tests twice.His professors and the program were wonderful.He was willing to quit and stay home permanantly with me but I sent him back last week for the second semester.The two kids have risen above in their maturity.Its been a strain on all of us but they have been magnificent.</p>
I expect the younger two will be better.</p>
But our relationship is wonderful.</p>