Arg! My parents and my gf . . . Advice?

<p>I have a pretty solid GPA and good ECs. 800 Chem, 800 IIC, about to take US Hist. and SAT I for the first time. The thing is my parents are afraid that my gf will "disturb" my studies, so consequently, they keep on telling me that I need to sort out my priorities and that I can date as much as I can in college (ridiculous comeback lol...). I'm aiming for the usual Ivys, Stanford, NYU, etc, etc and they are seriously doubting me now so whenever they have the time to criticize whenever my the subject of my gf comes up, they will. It's been really frustrating. The thing is though, I know that my gf will limit my studies but it's idiotic in my opinion to break it off with someone with the excuse of "oops sorry but you're harming my chances at college." I've had many more gfs but this girl, she's really something. Very clingy, gregarious... So I guess her social personality's influencing my parents' assumptions. Advice/Ideas?</p>

<p>Sure. Read through the threads that parents start when they worry about boyfriends or girlfriends who suck time away from their kids's lives. I think you'll get an idea of where your parents are coming from.</p>

<p>You say that your girlfriend is "clingy." That is a HUGE red flag to parents. Not a small one. Not a medium-sized one. "Clingy" is the big flashing "warning" light, and rightly so. Parents do get worried when a significant other is clingy, because it can delay development and prevent the kid from experiencing other things. Furthermore, in college, a clingy significant other can do a lot more harm than in high school - your parents are probably worried that this will continue into college, and they don't want to pay $45,000/year for you to spend all your time on the phone with the girlfriend.</p>

<p>What plans does your girlfriend have? Trust me on this, parents will take a lot more "clinginess" from a motivated sig. other than they will from one who has different goals than their child. Ivys and Stanford are excellent schools; NYU is good but not nearly in the same league, unless you're talking Stern or Tisch. (Sorry, NYUers - it's a good school, but it's not Ivy-caliber.) If she's considering NYU as her top choice and doesn't have what it takes to get into Ivys, trust me, your parents are worried that you'll go there for her and throw away an otherwise awesome opportunity. </p>

<p>Anyway, that's insight into your parents' heads. </p>

<p>As for advice... yeah, I have a lot of that. :)</p>

<p>Figure out exactly WHAT is bothering your parents about her. Is she smart but bubbly, so they think she's a flake? Is she just not as smart as you are? Are you guys considering marrying if things work out? (I remember seeing my high school friends - they really thought that they would end up with the person that they were dating senior year. Never happened.) Is she at all pressuring you to stay close to home? Is she a year younger? (The big issues come when one person is at college and the other is left behind, then tries to hold the other person back.) Do you spend a lot of time with her, to the exclusion of ECs, other friends, or getting homework done? (With your standardized test scores, it seems like you should have an excellent GPA; they may worry that you aren't living up to your potential.) </p>

<p>I'm not trying to be harsh - I'm trying to explain what your parents are concerned about so you can address it. </p>

<p>Once you've figured out their concern, address it, affirmatively. Girlfriend considering Slippery Rock and you want Harvard? Easy. "Mom, Dad, I know that you're worried about Stacy and worried that we'll follow each other to school, but I really want you to know that going to a top school will happen, no matter what; both Stacy and I know that Harvard is the best place for me, and she really supports me going there. She knows it's tough, but wants what is best for me. She's not going to let me give up Harvard for her." </p>

<p>Stacy taking up a lot of your time? Have a talk with her, explain your parents' concern, and discuss ways that she can stop rubbing them the wrong way. She calls all the time? "Look, Stacy, when you call five times in one night, it drives my parents nuts. I'll call you back, really, I will. We get busy at home, and I can't always talk right away." Plan time with your friends, so they don't think that you'll be antisocial in college and do the LDR thing. Work really hard on your ECs. Don't go out on dates if you have homework to do - or at least curtail them. </p>

<p>Ultimately, you're going to have to either relieve your parents' fears, be in a relationship that they oppose, or break up with her. No other options really exist. Consider the latter option if she genuinely does not want you to go away or is sucking a lot of your time. You can aim for HYS, but, honestly, if your grades suffer because of her, you're throwing that opportunity out the window. If she's a year younger, I don't think that anything you do will assure them that you'll really make the most out of college - and that isn't your fault nor her fault.</p>

<p>If it's this particular g/f that they have a problem with, well, then, address that issue. Gregarious is fine. Clingy is not. </p>

<p>It's never too early to learn how to set boundaries in a relationship. Start doing that, or your parents will want to do it for you. (Not trying to be harsh, just letting you know how they feel.) </p>

<p>Again, read the parents boyfriend/girlfriend threads and you'll see why parents get so worried.</p>

<p>I knew this forum was good for something. Ariesathena is right.</p>

<p>I only have two things to add: </p>

<p>(1) Even if everything is perfect, there is always going to be some tension between your parents and your girlfriend. It's not really reducible to zero. Learn from the experience. It doesn't get any easier after marriage and kids, at least not for a while.</p>

<p>(2) I disagree with Ariesathena's assessment of NYU. Academically, in a lot of areas, not just Tisch and Stern, it matches up quite well with the Ivies (or at least some of them). It's a rising stock, prestige-wise -- NYC attracts a lot of really good students (there is no place in the civilized world cooler than right where NYU is), and NYC really, really attracts a lot of very good faculty (especially when the university can offer great housing as a benny). My issues with NYU are its size (not ALL the students are great), its cost, the famous lack of campus that is the flipside of its ubercool location, and the fact that, yes, its brand is not yet as strong as I think it will be. My D preferred NYU to half of the Ivies, and that was far from irrational for her.</p>

<p>LOL. I don't know why I didn't apply to NYU first time round. I was dying to spend some time in NYC. In the end I got to NYC for grad school...</p>

<p>But back to the original question. Perhaps you could sit down with your parents and say something on the order of, I know you are worried that ___ could take up to much of my time and jeapordize my chances of getting into the best college for me. I think that I need some down time in order to be at my best though. This is my plan for making sure I have enough time for homework and ECs... (Then you'd go with a plan for how much time you allot for IMs, telephone calls, dates etc.)</p>

<p>Hmmmm - you say yourself "I know that my gf will limit my studies" and describe her as "clingy."</p>

<p>Could it be, at some level, that you agree with your parents? And what bugs you in fact is not their objections, but the thought/fear that they're right? </p>

<p>Just a thought.</p>

<p>My son had a girlfriend since the beginning of 9th grade. That fact somehow did not stop him from having top grades, ranks, and scores. If anything, I would think it helped.
Note though that we, as parents, like her a lot.</p>

<p>It's not clear from your post whether your parents would object to any girlfriend or whether it's just this particular girlfriend who bothers them.</p>

<p>What is clear is the YOU know that this particular girlfriend will pose problems in terms of your academic work. You say yourself that she will "limit your studies." You also say that she is both clingy and gregarious. I interpret this to mean that she likes to socialize a lot and she expects you to accompany her to social occasions very frequently. It sounds as though she would not react well if you say to her, "We can go to your friend's party on Saturday night, but I need the rest of the weekend for schoolwork, and I'm really not even going to have time to talk online."</p>

<p>If you continue seeing this girl, you may have to make a choice between your relationship with her and your academic ambitions.</p>

<p>By the way, you should realize that not all girls are like this. Some are as academically ambitious as you are. Others may not be so ambitious, but they have busy lives of other kinds. (Maybe they play a sport or have a job on top of going to school.) They don't demand as much of a boyfriend's time and energy and they don't want the boyfriend to make huge demands on them because they have other stuff to do, too. I know this because I was one of those girls. This type of girlfriend would not interfere with your academic life.</p>

<p>Don't worry about it keep your girlfriend. you have one girl now, tell your parents wait till your in college then there are going to be about 1000 girls distracting you not to mention many other things going on. Your parents should be more concerned when your actually in college and your concentration than outside of it. Also in college your parents aren't gunna be there to tell you what and what not to do. So they should be thinking about the many distractions of being in college than your girlfriend in highschool.</p>

<p>Why are you asking us? You know their right ... "she's clingy!" BYE BYE</p>

<p>Why do you want a "clingy" gf? Does it flatter your ego?</p>

<p>Maybe he just loves her. Or maybe it's not even love yet, maybe it's just that he really likes her. Maybe he can deal with her being a little bit clingy, or maybe he will try and work it out with her.</p>

<p>From what I see on here, some moms need to back off and chill out a little when it comes to girlfriends. I understand some of the feelings the moms are having, but comments like the two above me are just ridiculous and unnecessary. Time to learn to trust your kids. Maybe the MOMS are the ones that are too "clingy".</p>

<p>It's just that I've never heard a guy, who really loves a girl, call her "clingy". That word is usually used by guys when they want to break up or "cool" things with a girl. Usually, when a guy is really in love, any so-called clingyness is considered to be "devotion". I would be insulted if a loving boyfriend ever said that I was "clingy" -- that is so derogatory.</p>

<p>yes, moms (and dads) can be too controlling (clingy), but it's usually because they have seen first hand how young people's love lives can derail success. </p>

<p>Is this girl "marriage" material?</p>

<p>I agree with JLauer - "clingy" is the word you use when it's getting on your nerves. (Whether or not it's a deal-breaker is another issue.) </p>

<p>Now time to take the OP's side. Have y'all completely forgotten what it's like to be 17 and dating? You aren't jaded. You aren't cynical. You really try to get things to work out. There's no thought that, "Wow, I'm wasting my time, because this isn't going to end in marriage." IMO, there's something really good about being able to go out with someone long-term in a sheltered environment. You put up with a lot, because you can put up with a lot, and you haven't learned otherwise. You have not yet met the ten stalker psychos who sucked up all your time, so you put up with clinginess because you really care about the person. </p>

<p>It's high school! Nearly everyone is in a relationship with clinginess and immaturity, because, well, it's high school and people tend to be clingy and immature. The mistake to NOT make is to forget that you are in a rarified environment and to think that the relationship can withstand college or the real world.</p>


<p>You make some good points. Yes, it's fun to be "in love" in high school and college. But, time management can be a problem when one has to study and the BF/GF wants to be with you. (I still have a real problem with the fact that he used the word "clingy".)</p>

<p>But I have always told my kids, don't waste your time on GFs (I have only boys) once you know that she could never be "the one". It's too risky. I know too many people who have ended up marrying people who they <em>knew</em> weren't "the one" simply because they had dated "forever" and/or ended up having a child together.</p>

<p>I've heard the same thing - that people date because the other person is nice, then end up marrying them because inertia keeps them in the relationship. That's why I said that the one big mistake to avoid in high school relationships is to think that it's anything but a high-school relationship.</p>

<p>I have big problems with clingy, too. :) I do see that as the death knell of a relationship - it limps along after that, but is never going anywhere.</p>

<p>clingy boy/girl friends are not that big a deal. you can always dumb them if they are too clingy. it's clingy friends who suck. I mean the kind with no social life who call you for no reason at the most unreasonable hours to talk about something really stupid that no one would ever talk about in a billion years.</p>

<p>You spelled "demon" in your location wrong.</p>

<p>oh really? i didnt notice..there's no A in it?? wierd.</p>

<p>Weird. =p</p>

<p>10 char.</p>

<p>okay i googled it
you r right</p>