A lot of guys marry women who bail on the work force and they’re expected to take it with a smile and shut up if they don’t like it.
Been smiling and keeping quiet for 18 years. If anyone has any advice on how to broach the topic after so long without getting my head chopped off, please let me know.
My wife made it easy for me. On our third date in college, she made it clear that she was not going to work, so never had to worry about a rebound issue. I truly appreciated the straightforward nature of her statement - right out there on the table.
I do believe the article because I know many women with that mindset - they like to be taken care of.
glutton …have you seen the world war 2 posters that say…“loose lips sink ships”? remain silent!
“A lot of guys marry women who bail on the work force and they’re expected to take it with a smile and shut up if they don’t like it.”
Do you have children? If the answer is yes, who takes care of them?
There is not working, despite best efforts at finding a job, coupled with being a caretaker in the relationship, and finding productive ways to engage with the world, money making or not. And there is depressed on the couch, negative, possibly snarling. This is about deeper workings of the relationship. He was depressed, probably, possibly caught in a pattern of inertia (uh, lazy?) and she was not addressing the issue, and answering with her own pathology, shopping and dishonesty. Marriage under the circumstances was silly.
Glutton, there are many other dynamics besides working or not. If those dynamics aren’t working for you, the traditional advice is to get some counseling, marital or personal.
While I understand where the author is coming from to an extent, she’s not only showing herself to be a hypocrite and self-absorbed, but also the type of person who most men…including yours truly would try to avoid at all costs.
Why hitch oneself to someone who blames others for outcomes resulting from the decisions SHE MADE and SHOULD OWN such as agreeing to move and later…get married despite the SO’s apparent job situation.
That statement assumes children can only be taken care of by a SAHP. Not necessarily. In fact, most families I knew through high school…including upper-middle class ones managed to raise kids with both parents working full-time jobs.
Most elementary school classmates had both parents working multiple jobs exceeding 50+ hours week easily just to make ends meet.
Even in my extended family, the SAHP was an exception…not the rule even in my grandparents’ generation not to say my parents. It was only in my own generation that there were more SAHPs…and that’s largely due to higher upper-middle class incomes and being more assimilated in a social milieu where that was accepted…not regarded as a something to be coped with due to a cyclical downturn in one’s field or because the SAH spouse had serious issues holding down full-time employment.
@“great lakes mom” I think I’ll take zobroward’s advice and remain silent in the interest of marital harmony. We don’t need the money. But the nest will be half empty next year and the remaining child is very self sufficient. Idle hands worry me. And boredom.
“That statement assumes children can only be taken care of by a SAHP. Not necessarily. In fact, most families I knew through high school…including upper-middle class ones managed to raise kids with both parents working full-time jobs.”
Many of us who actually raised kids would agree: there are many, many instances where working outside of home for one of the spouses makes no economic sense.
@gluttonforstress, have you talked with your spouse about plans going forward, when the 1st and then both kids are gone from the family home? Encourage her to take courses? Encourage her to consider volunteer and/or career opportunities? More travel as a couple? This could be a great time to raise these options in a loving way.
For some families yes. Not necessarily for all…especially for those who are in a position where ever bit of incoming income is needed.
Most families I grew up with in my old neighborhood were working/lower-middle class who’d regard the idea of a SAHP as a luxury only those who are comfortably upper-middle class could afford.
“Most families I grew up with in my old neighborhood were working/lower-middle class who’d regard the idea of a SAHP as a luxury only those who are comfortably upper-middle class could afford.”
Is your neighborhood representative of the entire 50 states?
No. But the percentage of SAHMs who tend to be the vast majority of SAHP due to societal expectations/pressure* and other factors has been declining heavily since the mid-1960’s and only started slightly increasing within the last few years due to factors such as lack of job opportunities, personal choice, etc:
Even at the beginning of the labor statistics depicted, SAHM’s were just a little under half of all parents with under 18 kids in the US and dropped to a low of 23% around the year 2000. Now it seems to have slightly increased to around 29%.
In short, the vast majority of parents are 2-income earners, not SAHPs.
@gluttonforstress - No advice but I am a SAHM we have 3 kids 1 in college and 2 in high school. DH and my kids have the same worry you do,in that they all wonder what am I going to do all day once the kids are out of the house? Honestly I really don’t know since I haven’t worked full time in 15 years. It’s possible your wife is wondering what she is going to do too. Think about it she is going to have to start all over. Its kind of scary. She may just feel overwhelmed by the situation and doesn’t know where to start.
I’d suggest starting to take a few courses of interest and also volunteering in activities of interest. That’s how quite a few people have eased into part-time and full time volunteer and paid positions. There is a great need for volunteers and part time workers who are good with interpersonal skills.
“Many of us who actually raised kids would agree: there are many, many instances where working outside of home for one of the spouses makes no economic sense.”
Those calculations are always done on the immediate outgo (for daycare, etc) and never take into account the time value of money, the value of a company match in a 401k, stock options, the value of staying in the work force vs re entry, etc. I’ve never seen a calculator like that that wasn’t overly simplistic and completely misleading.
Some of you are kind of harsh on her. She has the right to be ticked.
There is an unwritten rule of finding a partner - how you package yourself during the courtship should have some basis in your character. He presented himself as a hard working go-getter. Caveat Emptor. She should have dumped him a month after he was unemployed and seemed uninterested in getting a new job.
Money aside, it seems that at least in our social circle the moms with outside the home jobs seem more at peace and generally a little happier. It’s an affluent area so it’s not a money issue. That wasn’t the case when the kids were younger. The families that were trying to coordinate forgotten lunches, practices, tutoring, etc… while both parents worked seemed to always be frayed and ready to collapse. But as the kids got older and became more self sufficient, the SAHMs now seem more stressed and unhappy as a group. There is a virtual epidemic of divorce among the wealthy tiger moms in our area once the kids leave the home or get close to leaving. I guess it all comes down to having something that makes you excited to get out of bed and face the world everyday.
In her 2nd wedding, with “Dean”, I wonder if she’s gonna gloss over the “for better or for worse” part again.
A calculator? People actually came up with this nonsense? Each family has to decide on an individual basis, not by using some online calculator. The timing of commute (will my job allow me pick up the kids from day care at 6 pm when my always traveling H is out of town?), the cost of commute, the availability of jobs, the necessity to buy and maintain work wardrobe, etc. Then there are factors like involvement in school activities, etc. (BTW, 401(k) match is just as common nowadays as a white rhino.) For someone like you or me, it made sense to stay in workforce, and one of the factors was the ability to keep our skills current.
The other factors include whether anyone in the family has chronic health issues or other factors that may require more care, time and attention than one can provide if working full time. When one spouse is working over 60 hours/week plus some travel, the other spouse often has to do what it takes to keep the family intact–hiring help (maybe even a nanny), having a job that isn’t as demanding and is more flexible, etc. I’ve seen very few happy marriages where both are working 60+ hours/week AND have kids at home, unless they work out these issues.