<p>You are not alone. You need to find the key for him to be self motivated. Use the suggestions from us that seem likely to work. Your kid is not looking to the future so any threats of not getting into his dream college won’t work. Do take away distractions such as computer use/gaming unless proof of doing well occurs. I’m sure he is bored with school. </p>
<p>Have you had a discussion with him about what he feels/thinks about his school classes? Mine wouldn’t with me so this may not help. I felt that my H gave our younger than grademates-gifted son too much freedom too soon. Your son probably would benefit from more structure. It is hard to go back on freedoms granted and to reinstitute rules. You push and he will push back against you harder. Maybe you can get him to engage in a short parent child session where he tells you or your spouse (not two parents at once- that is double teeming and power looms) complaints about school and you ONLY listen. Then tell him you need a bit of time to think about what he said and schedule another time (later that day or the next) to discuss what you think you heard and what he thinks you heard. Let him know the two of you will come to conclusions and set up a plan. Getting him engaged in the process is more likely to work than edicts handed down from above.</p>
<p>You have to find the key he can’t find for himself. I bet he wants to be successful but keeps blowing it. Maybe you can find a way to let him know this without him losing face with you. He needs to own the process. A list of goals- immediate and future. Reasons for the goals. You may do best by writing out your list and letting him write comments on them. I did a lot of many drafts writing my frustrations with son late at night which I then left on the bathroom counter where he would see them.</p>
<p>I talked with my son’s HS guidance counselor- his grades slipped from all A’s to some B’s which raise no red flags with the school but were notable for him. Perhaps your son’s guidance counselor can help by being a third party. S/he can offer reasons to do the work or find out how the school can better accomodate his boredom and age related as well as ADHD related maturity in handling school. Hopefully your son’s GC is good- if not perhaps you can get one best suited for him to be involved (our HS did an alphabet assignment and one year I got them to keep the same one for son when they redid the division). This is behind the scenes and no other students will know/care.</p>
<p>Even now I email long “letters” which my college son, surprisingly, says he saves (I delete emails after a time). He won’t listen to me talk but does read things I write without getting upset with me. Somehow more wisdom can be imparted when they can digest it on their own terms- not when you expect feedback that they are listening/paying attention.</p>
<p>My son got senioritis, not as imortant as junior year grades for college admissions. Hope my suggestions help- they are based on some things that worked and others I wish we had tried. Good luck. Feel free to PM me- I can relate a lot more “what NOT to do” info. PS- always remember to let your son know you love him.</p>
<p>Total sympathy for the OP. My S was the same, if not worse. every quarter without fail the grades would be in the C and D range at midterms and with nagging, punishments, etc they would make it back up to Bs with painful late nights and stressful exam periods. We would try making schedules and systems and limit electronics but S would still be distracted/unfocused until I became a nag or he became scared by the bad grades. As college loomed junior year, he was more motivated and grades improved but it was still a constant struggle with ups and downs through each semester. </p>
<p>S also brilliant with the test scores and extremely talented in fine arts as well as math and science. Not a bad actor either…this meant he had so many distractions not just electronics. One of the biggest problems for us was that even though we had put him back a grade (made him repeat 9th grade after going abroad) he was physically and emotionally imature. He was, at 15, THE smallest freshman and could have passed for 12. Finally, at 16.5 he started to grow but his voice did not change until close to 17. He grew 6 inches in 9 months and was a complete organizational disaster that year. He seemed to finally “get” it when he was 19 but he still struggles at college organizing his time and things. It does get better over time…some of it may literally be physical/emotional maturity and all the schedules in the world won’t do this. D is the complete opposite and has kept a detailed agenda since age 12. </p>
<p>An optimistic story…a friend with a ADHD kid on meds through high school basically did all that kid’s homework (or at least sat with him night after night to get him to do it). Even with all the help he had a 3.5 with some APs. She often had to hide the video games (starcraft is heroin for these kids) and sent him off to college off of meds and everyone thought he would flunk out. Nope…all that help from his mom didn’t cripple him…it taught him how to work and organize and then he just did it on his own…straight As in good state u and is now at the best medical school in the state. True story. This kid had outgrown the need for meds and had the training from his tireless mother to know how to succeed. OP, get the doctor to check and see if the meds are working or…perhaps…he needs to change or even go off of the meds…Otherwise, nag and punish and reward and support in combinations depending on the circumstances…and know that it will get better.</p>
<p>My son did not get into either of the two ultra elite schools he applied to- ended up at our top public flagship U. We couldn’t get him to apply to more schools. As strongwilled, independent as his parents… He went to college at 16 (was not the youngest in honors physics class- there were two local younger HS kids) and did well. Chose to challenge himself, but also chose when not to as reflected in some grades. Looking back I can see where he fits- not the ultra genius/hard worker but in the next broad tier. He will always find time for nonacademics in his life. And, I know his parents.</p>
<p>You are dealing with ADHD and the need for your son to get into a college he should get into. Somehow he needs to understand that his grades this year will be important to colleges and therefore he needs to get good ones. Stellar credentials don’t mean one has to go to a top school, but the grades that show his innate ability are needed for him to go to a school that fits his academic ability. Perhaps knowing schools look most at junior year will help so any previous years don’t doom him. He needs to know that grades show he is willing to do the work- something colleges look for. Putting up with boring homework now is required to go to a college that is challenging and interesting. Perhaps some of these comments will help. I presume he likes the knowledge acquired but not the process required in obtaining it in his classes.</p>
<p>My recommendation is what someone else posted as well, to help the kid with time management and organizational skills and study skills. I am not saying that the video games and the facebook and surfing the net and the like aren’t distractions or part of the problem, they probably are, but one of the problems in such situations is that without the framework for organized study and work, it is really easy to lose yourself on those, lose track of time and never get to what you need to. </p>
<p>I am speaking from my own experience (though being as old as I am, it wasn’t the net, and video games when I was a teenager were the early Atari and the like and I didn’t have that or cable tv) in some ways what I am reading resonates with my own experience. In my case, I never built the study skills base I needed because school came too easily, I got through 9th grade pretty much without studying or cracking a book and had an A average. When I started hitting the courses that required real work, the science courses and such, it was a struggle because I had never got into that habit (I am so, so glad my child went to schools where no matter how easily it came to him, they made sure he did the study skill work and got into those habiits…). My father acccused me of being lazy, but that is not the way I am, the problem is it was hard to break old habits, and what I found was I would be reading a book and lose track of time, or working on a car, whatever…and this also affected me in college as well. </p>
<p>If at all possible, there are programs either in the schools themselves or outside programs that can help a kid learn these skills, about time management and the like, and I cannot say strongly enough how valuable that is. It could be your S simply lacks the skills to plan out the time and ends up losing it. Obviously, others are not wrong either,it could also be in part or mostly maturity, but I suspect that simply taking away the internet access and the cell phone alone won’t solve the problem by itself because he still would be unstructured.</p>
<p>Sadly, this describes me, and I’m 49 years old. I can sit down at the computer to relax for a few minutes before going to bed, and before I know it, it is 2 a.m. I am not happy about it; I don’t like it; I am miserably tired the next day. It is the behavior of an addict. </p>
<p>If this describes your son, he will one day be grateful for your help, even if he seems whiny and resentful now.</p>
<p>Some have said that you can’t “make” your son do well in school. True, but you shouldn’t be expected to pay for or allow those activities that prevent him from doing well.</p>
<p>He is a typical boy. I did not pay much attention to mine. He almost did not get into college program that he wanted. But he did after few applicants withdrew. He was a very good student at college, because he was doing what he liked very much to do. He even expanded his horizon by learning on his own what he felt was missing in college program. He was on dean lists. Good for him, that program did not require lots of general education classes. </p>
<p>I do not think that you can do anything. It did not even enter my mind that I could. Now my D. is opposite of that. So, not everything depends on parents. We give them opportunites, we cannot control 100% another human being. Unfortunately, he will pay consequences of his attitude. But that is the way lots of boys are.</p>
<p>Thank you to all of you who took the time to write your incredible, supportive responses.
Several of your “ive been there” stories seriously brought tears to my eyes. As some of you suggested, I’ve been thinking a lot about whether going straight to college is the best idea now for S; if he’s just not ready, he’s not ready. I just need some time to wrap my head around that possibility since I’ve always assumed with his “smarts” it wouldn’t be an issue. Just got off the phone w/ husband and we are somewhat at odds over how to handle this situation…he’s generally the “nice” one… but I think we’ve come to an agreement.We are going to limit electronics pretty severely (only weekends and only for a set amt of time and can only use desktop in kitchen for homework, no more laptop). On a side note, we just heard about a local boy who committed suicide in the face of tremendous academic pressure from his parents and we don’t want our kid to feel overwhelmed/hopeless like that boy. I can’t imagine how those parents are feeling right now…
Parenting is HARD.</p>
<p>Take him to visit some cool colleges. Don’t show him the academic aspects as much as the other stuff. Let him see what he’ll be missing if he doesn’t get good grades.</p>
<p>I think I would take away your son’s computer, and micromanage his homework for a while. He will hate it, but tell him you are NOT going to give up on him yet. You will help him get a handle on his responsibilities. I find it is useful to bring up examples of people he actually knows who didn’t fair so well by being irresponsible. Ask him to describe what he sees his life to be like in a few years. Help him figure out how to get where he wants to go. You and he may have different ideas as to what that his. You have to be open to what he wants. It is your role to guide him to his future! I wish you luck with this. I know how tough it is!</p>
<p>Lots of different kids, lots of different parenting styles. Just look at this thread, lol.</p>
<p>I’m of the camp that external threats, rewards and punishments just do not work (especially at this age). So you control monitor and control some more, send him off to college…and then what? If he can’t internalize it, come to see it’s value on his own, that self-discipline/motivation/interest is not going to be there when he gets to college and has to fend for himself. </p>
<p>The only place it might be useful is to maybe buy you some time (micro-manage in the hopes that he will soon ‘mature into it’). But i fear such micro-managing will only make things worse: he will never internalize it himself, find the self-drive he needs, and it will just strain your relationship.</p>
<p>There are lots and lots of paths to success. Not everyone has to follow the CC straight and narrow. What is the worse that would happen if you let him take his own path? So he goes to school X instead of Y? Is that really so bad? Isn’t that probably where he’d be happiest and most successful anyway? And if supposed while at school X he matures, gets his butt in gear…well he can go to grad school, or med school, or something else entirely. It is soooooo not the end of the world. and it is so not the case that if you don’t have say a “4.4 GPA” you can’t go to “Ivy X” which clearly means you can’t do a b and c in your life. Nonsense. There are many many less that ‘straight arrow’ ways to the same outcome. </p>
<p>Havnig said all that, I know it’s far easier to like this abstract idea than to actually implement it. We want what’s best for our kids, what they are capable of, hard to sit back and watch them not work to potential and so on and so on but really, at this age, I think he is who he is and trying to change him with monitoring, rewards and punishments will just horribly strain your relationship and really accomplish nothing useful in terms of his development. He will learn so much more, and have a better shot at the maturity he needs if he has to face the natural consequences of his choices.</p>
<p>All great advice. It is hard being a parent. You can’t “jam” school down kids’ throats, but you can insist on a regular and reasonable study period. It’s helpful to have kids study in a quiet spot without distractions (like a latop). If they need to print a paper or use the computer then have them “go to it” instead of “it coming to them.” Put the phones and electronics aside or turn them off until the homework is done. Like all things in life it’s about balance and helping your student figure out what that means. Some kids study the best right after school if they don’t have sports or an afternoon EC. Some kids study best right after dinner and some later at night, an odd one here or there is best first thing in the morning…help your kids learn their pattern it will be a huge benefit when they leave for college. You can even find out from the teachers about how much studytime they think the kids need for their class. It might be surprising either one way or the other. Thinking about mine it varied from less than an hour on a given day to four or five hours on a “big day.” And know that some kids hit their wall in tenth or eleventh grade. Some that have been zipping along as young A students simply don’t continue on that way and settle into B kids. The outcome should always be healthy kids achieving as best as they can under their own steam and with an understanding of their own potential.</p>
<p>-But it makes life fullfilled and not boring. Just wait for empty nest. Most people have problem with that. I had to find after work activity very quickly, I was afraid for my mental health. It worked for me, not many are so lucky. Enjoy kids while they are at home. Controling issue is personal family decision. I found from my experience of raising 2 kids, both of whom are adults, that the only thing that works up to certain age (like 5 -7) is bribe. No negatives ever worked for me, they made situation much worse and much more complicated, less under parents control, since relationship definitely suffers and they stop listenning to you altogether. But again it depends on family. Boys tend to be obsessed with something that they like, in my S’s case it was cars.</p>
<p>Talk to your son’s GC and make sure that he is signed up for classes he likes and will meet with success. It is ok if that means PE class (Weight lifting, basketball, etc.) so that he gets some exercise, Art classes, perhaps Computer Science classes at school. Do not strain yourself that he has to take honors and AP courses unless he requests those classes. You want to try for a good GPA which will be easier if he is happy with his classes.</p>
<p>At home–try to find other activities of interest. Can you all go hiking or biking on the week-ends? Try to get your husband very involved giving your son his undivided attention and taking him places (movies, museums, restaurants, etc.). </p>
<p>Perhaps buy him favorite magazine subscriptions to keep him reading.</p>
<p>Don’t know you or your budget–if you can afford fun vacations–go with your son and explore other cities before he leaves home for college.</p>
<p>This thread is kind of scary. When DS was in kindergarten, his teacher said “you’re going to have problems with him”. He was always getting distracted and not getting his work done. Often he had to stay inside and work on something while the others went out for recess. She was right. We have been fighting a battle for the past 11 years. In elementary/middle school, we never knew if he was behind on work until we would get some notice from his teachers with a list of missing work (usually too late to do anything about). They were no real help in keeping him going. </p>
<p>Once he got to HS I started doing what I call the Daily Rundown, where we go through the day class by class. That helped to keep things moving along, and the first 3 quarters his grades were averaging about 89. The 4th quarter I let up on the DR and his grades dive-bombed into the 70’s. Sophomore and Junior years, I went back to the DR, and he has managed 93+ average both years. </p>
<p>Now he’s a senior, and unfortunately this quarter isn’t going well, despite our daily chats. He seems to be running about an 83 right now. I still have a sense of dread every time I get an email for the latest grade reports. Sure enough this morning I opened the latest one and found he has a 0 on some assignment or other. </p>
<p>I have reiterated numerous times how important it is that he keep his grades up, even senior year. He spends too much time on the computer/couch/tv, and we are limiting that. I have no idea how he will manage when he gets to college. After this quarter we are going to make some “you’ll be out of here soon” changes. Still deciding what those will be…:(</p>
<p>I lived with the daily rundown for 12 years of school…it didn’t matter whether he was at a tiny international school, a small and pushy public school or the massive public high school…every teacher, absolutely every teacher would say the same thing…very bright, very well behaved but very distracted and disorganized" stuff would get lost, not turned in, not written down, etc…we tried everything…planners and schedules, no computer, me watch ing over him and also…you are on your own now buddy cold turkey … we would have momentary success with each one and think…"we did it!’ and then things would go south. It slowly, ever so slowly improved…the two steps forward 1.95 back routine…he is now at college and doing pretty well. Yes, he has missed classes and assignments but not many…yes his room is disgusting…but he is managing and he is relying on systems that we tried and abandoned in middle school and high school. Multiple alarms, sticky notes, a schedule on his wall, etc…they don’t work perfectly but they are apparently working well enough. I know if we had just let him go, let’s say in HS or late middle school, to manage on his own he would have failed and become convinced he would never succeed and would have failed some more. </p>
<p>The OP and H sounds like they have a plan for S. Perhaps that is the most important achievement…a united parental front of concern and support. However, OP …be prepared for ups and downs and not some miracle. HOWEVER, even when a strategy or rule seems to fail, it actually is a learning experience for your son. They see that you care, they see that other people do use systems and discipline and balance to achieve results and even if they can’t maintain it on their own at this point, they learn from it and it will help them eventually. A lot of posters write glib advice about setting limits and/or letting the kid sink or swim on their own or motivating them with trips to colleges…frankly, it is doubtful if any one of these will make t he ADHD and plain old lazy-teen attitude disappear …but they are all good ideas that in combinations and trial and error may help lead him forward.</p>
<p>On a last, very positive note about our easy going/non-grade grubbing/wildly annoying sons…they will be great friends and fathers and husbands because they already have learned some of the most imporant of life lessons including, “dont sweat the small stuff” and “success is more than getting good grades (or good job)” and “relax, be happy”. Really, I often think that my frustratingly erratic ADD son will be happier and more satisfied with his life than his type-A, super achieving super organized little sister because he has figured out that happiness is not perfectly correlated with money or external indicators of success.</p>
<p>I tried the micro-managing with my ADHD son who is now in his second year of college. In HS, he told me very clearly to “lay off” and he is responsible for his own work. He did fine in HS. Perhaps he could have done better. But, now he lives on his own in the summer, as well as at school. He gets good grades, ad truly does take responsibility for his work and his actions. Of course, he doesn’t take full financial responsibility as I pay college costs, but I can’t imagine sending him to college without being self-motivating towards studies and work.</p>
<p>My daughter will be 20 shortly, and as hard as we tried she had to come home after her freshman year away at her LAC. She is currently a jr at our state college but is living at home, and commuting to school. She would love to live off campus but we are fully aware that school will quickly dissolve if she got an apartment with other college kids. However, the decision to get a place is hers and so are the bills. My daughter is also very absorbed in all things electronic. She could spend every waking hour on facebook, internet chatting, or cell phone. She holds more than one job but is not an academic minded person. My husband and I worked with her endlessly last year when she came home from college and was attending the CC. She was newly diagnosed with ADHD and depression (which I believe was situational). This year we are standing by and just watching her make all the poor choices that she made first year and there is very little that we could do. She will either surprise us and pull through with decent grades or she will fail and need to consider if college is really for her. </p>
<p>There will come a point that your guidance will not be accepted but this is probably not the time. Your son who sounds innately intelligent might be motivated by seeing where his current choices might lead to. Visiting colleges may be a great way to show him (kids with ADHD seem to need to see things for themselves) what type of environment he could have vs where he is heading to right now. You could certainly set hours for his cell phone and other electronics but be sure to be a united front and very consistent. I don’t buy into the fear of “suicide” if kids are expected to perform. My daughter did that to us for a solid year until we realized she was just a great manipulator. I had become sick with worry that I would either lose her or have a thirty year old that I was still supporting and taking care of, but I don’t feel that way anymore. Both my husband and myself have made it clear that once she reaches a given age she is completely on her own to pay rent, and evrything else that comes with being an adult. I think once we inform our kids what we will tolerate, and they fully understand that, than it is up to them to decide how they want to live their lives. Some kids are just not cut out for college and are happy working a job that pays their bills (however menial the job may be). Your son is still too young not to try to steer him in the right direction. I wish you lots of luck and as another poster suggested be prepared for some steps forward and a couple steps back. It is rarely smooth sailing with certain kids.</p>
<p>Xaniamom - we have used a version of the daily rundown as well, pretty effectively.</p>
<p>As the parent of a diagnosed ADHD 8th grader, a few thoughts:</p>
<p>1) Most experts recommend not providing teenagers with a PC/laptop in their room - can you put it in a family room or somewhere else out in the open where he can still do homework but not get away with FBing all the time?</p>
<p>2) Not true for all ADHD kids, but many need structure. Can you work out a schedule with him? For example, lets say he gets home at 3:15. He can grab a snack and unwind until 4. 4-5 is HW (or break it up into 2 30 minute blocks if you need to). Insert 15-30 minute “breaks” in the schedule and put a touchpoint int here after dinner so you can gauge what he has left to do that day.</p>
<p>3) The class by class rundown is a great tool. First, it shows you are taking a keen interest in what he is learning. Second, it pre-empts procrastination.</p>
<p>4) Can you get away with clear boundaries on use of entertainment devices on school nights? Taking things away, in my experience, is always just viewed as “punishing” and not viewed constructively. If you approach it as removing distractions (maybe he checks his ipod and cell phone in when he gets home and gets them back during certain specified periods?).</p>
<p>5) Finally, even in HS, don’t underestimate the value of positive reinforcement. Even teens love being rewarded - a new video game or even a trip to the ice cream store can actually make a difference (though he wont admit that to you).</p>
<p>Just my thoughts - as you see from the thread, LOTS of approaches here and only YOU know what can work with your son.</p>
<p>Just one more thought. Spring 2010, my son was away at an LAC, dropped a couple of classes so he ended up with 10 hours. $20,000 pricetag for that. This year he’s home at community college, also taking 10 hours. Pircetag? $450. $20,000 vs. $450 for the same number of hours.</p>