Article says 15-year old girl driven to suicide by bullying

Parent Cafe
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<p>My younger child was bullied at his first elementarty school. Teachers did a good job of reporting incidents to the principal, but seemed to lack the authority to step in and act on their own in the moment.</p>

<p>After switching schools (due to a happy accident of redistricting) we found that the bullying was stopped atthe classroom level by the first adult who saw it. The principal told us he rarely got involved in any bullying discipline because the teachers dealt with it.</p>

<p>Bullying persists ONLY because adults tolerate it, whether the excuse is “boys will be boys”, “she has to learn to tolerate being teased” or “the principal will handle it.” </p>

<p>It stops when parents insisting that school management actively pursue zero tolerance publicly. Private accomodations to stop bullying do not work. </p>

<p>kei</p>

<p>P.S. and calling them on it “every single time” is great advice!!</p>

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<p>In fact, studies have shown that young criminals score quite high on “self esteem” evaluations, to the point of pathological narcissism. These people need to be taken out of normal society. And where are there parents? And what are their parents?</p>

<p>Thanks, by the way, for yet another eloquent post.</p>

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<p>I think the profile of the victim matters a great deal. It’s important for educators to recognize the kids who are most at risk and to help them. I also think it’s important for parents to recognize what puts a child at risk. For instance, my mother didn’t dress me the way other kids dressed. She unwittingly made me a target. I was also an only child – and looking back I can see that in middle school – this is anecdotal I know – the kids who were the most victimized happened to be only children. We didn’t get the rough and tumble social skills that come with having siblings. We didn’t know what to do when someone taunted us, etc. We didn’t realize it wasn’t the end of the world and I, for one, gave lots of reinforcement to a bully by becoming upset. I wish someone had taught me some skills on that front. Teachers should be looking out for those kids and should have their radar up. We teach women what to do to lessen the chances of being a rape victim – we teach them how to walk in public, what to look out for, etc. It doesn’t excuse a rapist to empower a woman. Why should we do less for children? We can’t help and protect them if we can’t recognize who it is that needs the help.</p>

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<p>My oldest daughter was rewarded in her early school years for cheering on the weaker classmates, whether it be academically or socially…it was just in her nature as she was just naturally a kind natured child. I was so happy to hear from her teachers how kind she was and took others under her wing when they needed support.
One time I went in to volunteer in class and she was at the guidance counselor with a fellow student that had a lot of problems…he got to choose a friend to go and play a game and he chose her…I think teachers can and should play an active roll at an early stage in fostering a compassion for others…
Same daughter got bullied for befriending a girl that no one liked at new school…the bullying was at the hands of a teacher’s child…maybe I crossed a line , but when I came face to face with the girl at a class event, I looked her square in the eye and told her that I knew all about her…
Second daughter was much more shy and I recall a mild incident of bullying from a classmate who tripped her intentionally during lunch…I was furious that no adult in charge took notice of it and made a call to the school…</p>

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<p>I agree with what you are saying, mimk6. When I said the profile of the victim is irrelevant, I meant in the sense of placing blame. I do agree with you that certain kids are less equipped to deal with bullies and the adults in charge should make a special effort to look out for them.</p>

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<p>I agree that a lot of the responsibility falls on the teachers and administration. I also agree that incidents need to be dealt with each and every time they occur. Every single time. </p>

<p>In the school I teach in the teachers are very attuned to the social dynamics and the hierarchy of personalities. They intervene and educate. We have a program called “Open Circle” that teaches healthy ways of communicating feelings and expressing ideas in a safe and respectful environment.</p>

<p>Having said that, I feel that a big part of the problem is the parents that don’t want to hear about their sweet, wonderful child being anything but perfect. If he or she did something unkind…well, they must have been provoked, sick, the moon was full, their hamster died, the other kid lied…anything but the truth. Nobody want s to admit that their child made a mistake.</p>

<p>And, by the way, all kids do make mistakes. Every human is capable of being mean. For most of us, we are trained properly to keep those mean impulses in check. It is the kids that are not receiving the attention to character building that indulge those mean impulses repeatedly. None of our kids are above it.</p>

<p>I remember being in third grade when a bunch of kids started taunting a girl in my class. I clearly remember chiming in. The minute the words were out of my mouth, I felt horrible. After that incident, I made a huge effort to befriend the girl. I had developed a conscience. Kids need help developing a conscience. That help needs to come from home before it can come from the school environment.</p>

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<p>Again, many psychologists now have a very different take on narcissism and what constitutes genuine high self-esteem. </p>

<p>[Is</a> High Self-Esteem Bad for You?](<a href=“The Objectivist Center--home of The Atlas Society”>The Objectivist Center--home of The Atlas Society)</p>

<p>This article talks about the study you cite and much more.</p>

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<p>I think that one key element that bullies crave is an audience. A child taunting another in class should be told “Leave. Right now.” Then that bully becomes the charge of the Asst. Princ. or whoever in the school deals with bullying issues (there should be someone). There could be a “3 Strikes” rule, both for verbal or physical bullying. Much more difficult is the “shunning” type of bullying, or the social ostracism and facebook stuff. That’s like catching smoke rings. It’s important that as soon as this stuff is noticed, because generally it starts at school, the bullies be told that their parents will be informed. Teachers and school officials need to have a game plan, and be very courageous about confronting bullies’ parents. Some of these parents are worse bullies than the kids.</p>

<p>Personally, I would not be unhappy if some of the kids took video of incidents, but that can be a tricky area. Some of this stuff just has to be seen to be believed.</p>

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<p>When my son was in 8th grade, I came across the Live Journal page (remember Live Journal?) of a kid he’d known since grade school, but had fallen out with for reasons I don’t recall. (It was the year he came out at school, and all of his friends who were boys dropped him – I don’t know what he would have done without all his female friends.) I don’t remember how I found this boy’s Live Journal page either, but I did, and one of the things it said was “I want J---- L------- to die.” </p>

<p>I think you can imagine how furious and upset I was. I called the school right away, and was basically told they had no jurisdiction over it, because it didn’t happen in school. Maybe that’s changed, I don’t know. I then tried calling the boy’s mom, but instead of her answering the phone, the culprit did. And maybe I shouldn’t have, but I really put the fear of God into him, and told him that if that statement wasn’t off the Internet within 60 seconds of the time I hung up, I was not only going to tell his mother, but I was going to call the police and report that he’d made a death threat. And that he’d better never, ever say anything about what he’d written, to my son or anyone else. (I really didn’t want J. even to know that someone disliked him enough to say something like that.) I could tell I’d gotten through to the kid, and lo and behold, a few minutes after I ended the call, the sentence had vanished. And I didn’t tell J. about it, either. Maybe I should have told the kid’s mom anyway, but I didn’t really care so much about getting him punished. I just didn’t want my son to be hurt by it, and, fortunately, that’s how things turned out. So maybe it’s just as well that the school <em>didn’t</em> do anything about it, at least in this case. Even though I agree that schools should be involved as a general rule.</p>

<p>I have to admit that I really wanted to wring that kid’s scrawny little neck. (Even though I’m quite sure that even at that age, he was already taller than I am. And probably almost a foot taller than my son was back then.)</p>

<p>Now, when I was even younger than that, probably 6th grade or so, there was a kid who consistently bullied me and tormented me, almost every day. The time came, though, when my mother, who was extremely protective of me – I was the baby in the family, after all, and even smaller as a child than my son! – came face to face with him. I’d better not say exactly what she did, even now! (Don’t worry, she didn’t hit him.) But he didn’t bother me again for quite a long time. (What happened then is another story.) And what she did to him, I felt like doing a lot worse to the kid who said that he wished my son would die.</p>

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<p>Well said. </p>

<p>I took my son out of school when I realized how stupid the policies for dealing with bullying were. They did a modified version of “blame the victim” under the guise of not wanting to “make the situation worse.” </p>

<p>It was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made in my life.</p>

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<p>Good job, Donna. In your case, you had something approaching a death threat and I think you really could have gone to the police. But schools are in a tight place with teasing on the Internet because of the First Amendment. Do schools really have the freedom or the right to monitor kids on the Internet on their own time? It’s complicated from a legal standpoint. However, there was a local school that settled out of court when a parent sued them for not stopping bullying online. I guess they were worried they would lose and their reputation would be hurt – but I’m betting they could get sued the other way too.</p>

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<p>Where is the outcry from the South Hadley community? Why haven’t the religious leaders step forward? These mean girls are allowed to bully and taunt, because otherwise decent people turn a blinds eye. In a town as small as South Hadley EVERYONE knows who these girls are.</p>

<p>Teachers and administrators can not stop bullying when the community condones the behavior by their silents. How many parents of girls who are friends with the mean-girls stopped the friendly association? How many parents of the mean-girls boyfriends encouraged a breakup? How many coworkers of the mean-girls parents expressed their outrage? My guess is zero…………and so the mean-girls march on.</p>

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<p>Tutu taxi is correct. Emotional bullying actually needs to be criminalized as the assualt it is. it needs to be classified as assualt and given the same criminal police treatment that the old “boys will be boys” behavior now gets. It needs to be something that puts you in front of a judge facing time in juvenile detention.</p>

<p>Used to be that nobody knew you could get boys to stop beating one another up. Now, they don’t do it nearly as often and parents CAN go to the police and the police will investigate, as a crime. The same needs to happen to girls who practice emotional bullying on girls. It is really incredibly violent in an underground way which needs to be brought out into the light.</p>

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<p>“Where is the outcry from the South Hadley community?”</p>

<p>I think it has begun. The news this evening reported that the South Hadley community is having a protest tonight on the steps of the superintendent’s office. The community is starting to step up and the anger is starting to escalate. Good for them.</p>

<p>[Parents</a> Demand Answers On Bullying - Education News Story - WCVB Boston](<a href=“http://www.thebostonchannel.com/education/22408544/detail.html]Parents”>http://www.thebostonchannel.com/education/22408544/detail.html)</p>

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<p>[Parents</a> React to Bullying Punishments | CBS 3 Springfield - News and Weather for Western Massachusetts | Local News](<a href=“Local”>Local)</p>

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<p>The perfect punishment for people like this is a trip to the morgue.</p>

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<p>[9</a> indicted in death of South Hadley teen, who took life after bullying - Local News Updates - MetroDesk - The Boston Globe](<a href=“http://www.boston.com/news/local/breaking_news/2010/03/holding_for_pho.html]9”>http://www.boston.com/news/local/breaking_news/2010/03/holding_for_pho.html)</p>

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<p>I’m relieved that something, at least, is being done.</p>

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<p>Thanks for the update. This story really, really bothered me. It’s hard to imagine how anyone so young can be so incredibly mean all the way to their soul.</p>

<p>I’ve often wondered what kind of posture the parents of the bullies have had since the incident. I wonder if some of them were bullies in their youth, if they have condoned or excused the behavior, etc. Or if some were actually appalled by their child’s actions. It seems like nowadays parents tend to defend their kids no matter what rather than back teachers when their children are called out. They lose out on wonderful teaching opportunities by refusing to accept the truth about their childrens’ behavior and total lack of empathy.</p>

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<p>I read the link and another article from WWLP, an NBC affiliate. It looks like some thanks are due to WWLP, which ran a news article about the bullies’ facebook page “We Murdered Phoebe Prince.” It “sounds” as if the public outcry following the article is one reason that criminal charges followed. </p>

<p>According to the news articles, Phoebe’s mother had TWICE gone to the school and reported the bullying. A faculty member was present in the school library when Phoebe was harrassed on the day she died…and did nothing to stop it.</p>

<p>The view from Ireland:<a href=“http://www.independent.ie/lifestyle/bullied-to-death-2098808.html[/url]”>http://www.independent.ie/lifestyle/bullied-to-death-2098808.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>I am so glad charges are being pressed here. Teachers/schools who ignore this kind of behavior are part of the problem. And of course, parents too.</p>