<p>Dear OP,</p>
<p>As the offspring of first-generation Chinese immigrant parents, I think part of the issue is that doing volunteer work like serving cheesecake to the local homeless shelter is an alien concept. My parents often frowned on me doing volunteer work. They were very pragmatic and thought unpaid work was beneath me.</p>
<p>I sometime think this concern about material needs is just an Asian thing . . .</p>
<p>I actually don’t think that trying to be sure our offspring have food & sufficient material comforts is strictly Asian, more of a PARENT thing. It is true that 1st generation immigrant parents may not necessarily see value in volunteering, as traditionally it was about family. That said, I know several children of 1st generation asian immigrant parents who are very happy with their kids’ volunteer activities, especiallyl when it is tied to a passion like medicine or similar.</p>
<p>“She was a person before she was a mother. Try to get to know that person.”</p>
<p>OP, I think it is wonderful that you want to get to know your mother on a different level. I have wonderful, thought-bending conversations with my college-age daughter (but always when it is a good time for her), but her younger sis (still at home) is not wired that way. I just get a few words from her, but can make her smile with her favorite meals for dinner. I hear about her life sporadically, when I am driving somewhere. I like bookworm’s idea and mimk6’s also. Anyone would appreciate others asking about their lives, and a shared book gives you something concrete to discuss. Your mom is lucky to have a daughter who appreciates her, and a letter (as previously suggested) would let her know. Best to you in forging an updated relationship with your mom.</p>
<p>Even tougher for many of us to get to know is our dads. They were raised in a time when men didn’t talk much, especially about feelings. When I would call home when I was in college & grad school, Dad would ask, “Do you need money?” “Oh, OK then, mom’s not home; call back another time.” and that would be the entire conversation, even if I would try to tell him I wanted to talk with him. Even now, decades later, it’s hard to get him to open up and talk much, especially about feelings. He will tell annecdotes/stories sometimes, but I have never heard him speak much about feelings. Hubby doesn’t talk much about feelings either, not to me, the kids or his friends, tho he does every once in a while.</p>
<p>In some ways, we just have to accept folks as they are and try to figure out ways to draw them out, but stay somewhere in their comfort zone. It is a careful dance and I’m still learning. I expect to continue learning the rest of my life. Workshops & materials on motivational interviewing to draw info from people have some utility.</p>