<p>sigh I’m so jealous sometimes, my non-asian friends can call their parents on a whim and have actual conversations on life and school and relationships and ambitions and aspirations – if they solicit it – and their parents are always listening. I mean sure their parents nag them sometimes but it’s not like every call and every second and you’re not constantly fighting to really talk about what you really want to talk about.</p>
<p>(sorry to generalise, I just notice this statistically) </p>
<p>I don’t really get why every time she calls has to make the conversation entirely material. are you in want of anything? do you need money? what can I do for you? but when I ask for her to be an intellectual companion (when no one else will be), she gets all puzzled and confused. And I don’t get why, because I realise she used to be quite like I was, with passions for poetry and music and history and science and random pursuits of the cultivated mind, but now I can’t have a conversation with her about anything remotely interesting.</p>
<p>I mean I’m not taking her for granted. I don’t want her material generosity because a) I’m proud and subscribe to American bohemianism b) she can use the money for her own affairs more than I need it, but material needs are at the root of her every inquiry, every conversation. And I guess I don’t have it as bad as some asian kids, because she lets me study whatever I want and pursue whatever careers I want and she’s not the “you must be a doctor/lawyer/engineer” type (though I am pursuing a pretty sciency career).</p>
<p>I guess I wish she could entertain my own pride and independence for once, and celebrate it. I mean it’s pretty proud and selfish right? But I need it. I’m not 14-years-old anymore. I get more happiness out of squealing “OH MY GOD GUESS WHAT WE JUST MADE FROM SCRATCH – 300 servings of homemade cheesecake for the local homeless shelter!” than getting $230 wired to my bank account every now and then, and I wish she could listen to my schemes on how I’m going to change the world with my friends and launch organisational projects to break down cultural barriers between different groups on Grounds and how the world is absolutely wonderfully beautiful sometimes – or absolutely ugly, horrid and disgusting. I mean, yes it’s youthful, idealistic and possibly not pragmatic but talking about it is what makes me happy, while there’s nothing more saddening than a telephone call about material things that are frankly at the moment immaterial to me.</p>
<p>I mean in five years time I will come to my senses and I will laugh at how I was so utterly subservient to that great biological instinct to prove my own independence, but at least white parents seem to recognise that this is a legitimate phase of life their children have to go through, and entertain them in that respect. But my mom doesn’t get it. And she doesn’t get why I don’t call as often. She was once an idealist once, wasn’t she?</p>
<p>I tell you what, frenchcoldplay, your mom can start making those deposits into my bank account instead anytime! We won’t have to have any heart to hearts or anything. It’ll be a win-win situation.</p>
<p>I mean it’s a single parent household…I have a strong bohemian instinct because of earlier circumstances and she wants to suppress that and I really want her to spend her money fixing her car and having a nice life because I want to live it up when I’m 25 or 30 – on my own means, not when I’m 20 off my single mother.</p>
<p>but even if my family were rich and money was like sand, I’d still be annoyed. I mean even privileged white kids seem to have soulful conversations with their parents, but a lot of my asian friends feel like talking to their parents is like talking to a wall.</p>
<p>I mean I guess I sound really conceited and really silly now. but it’s my honest sentiment that I had to get out…</p>
<p>I’m actually super stingy – I would love to get $230 in the bank every now and then – if I earned it myself. If my mom gave it to me by her own hard work it makes me feel dirty. But to her it’s an act of love. And therein I guess the conflict lies. </p>
<p>even my sister sides with my mom. but she’s always been the more pragmatic type I suppose. </p>
<p>I mean I’m still slightly materially dependent, but I’m at an age where I don’t feel as loved getting nurtured materially anymore, because my own independence brings me pride and happiness. I want it to be an oxytocin rush every time I pick up her call, not drudgery where I feel like a little kid. Isn’t it natural?</p>
<p>Hm… Well, here’s one idea. Does your mom like to write? Do you think she would enjoy corresponding with you via snail mail or online chat once in a while, in addition to talking on the phone? Sometimes people have more to say if they have time to reflect…</p>
<p>I get what you’re saying, but you should try to feel the love from the EFFORT if you don’t feel it from the money. My white father only just spoke to me for the first time since Christmas on Thursday, and I live 20 minutes from him. He loves me, I’m sure, but he does not bother to put forth the slightest effort-- I imagine he would probably be gone from my life altogether if my parents divorced. Love is love whether it’s the medium you want or not, and even if it’s not what you want it means something that your mother cares enough about you to try in the way that she knows how. If she’s a single mom I bet you the ability to provide you with those material things means a /lot/ to her. It’s okay to feel what you’re feeling, but try to keep it in perspective.</p>
<p>I know it made my PARENTS happy to be able to give us money from time to time when we were in college, so I didn’t fight it but thanked them sincerely and then bought them gifts of nice things they could use with the money.</p>
<p>My folks never knew what to do when I wanted to have any conversations with them either–in HS, college or beyond. We are finally starting to talk some, decades later. I know they love us and they know we love them, even tho our conversations aren’t all that deep or soulful but mostly about everyday things and challenges.</p>
<p>It is hard for many parents to understand and match what kids’ need sometimes, but most of us try our best. Most of us stumble around the best we can, whatever our nationality. </p>
<p>I wish my kids wanted to have “meaningful” conversations or in fact ANY conversations with us on a more frequent basis. I am happy that they appear healthy and enjoying their studies and friends. I don’t get to hear a whole lot about their new lives, but enjoy whatever windows into it that we are able to glimpse.</p>
<p>Maybe you could “model” by changing YOUR conversation–talking about what is important to you as welll as what is important to her. Maybe start it off by saying, “Thanks so much for asking–I am doing fine with money and grades but want to share other things that are also important to me that I thought you’d like to hear about because I love you so much! Because you taught me so much about sharing and caring, I have …”</p>
<p>It’s funny that I never realized my family cared all that much about volunteer and non-profit endeavors until I switched my career and started a non-profit which I run full time. It has been an interesting journey, spanning many decades. It has helped them re-evaluate things as well.</p>
<p>Sorry…spit my drink all over my computer! What idealized planet are you on?? Soulful??? Sometimes I feel lucky to even get a call…</p>
<p>You’ll be a happier person in general, and in your relationship with your mom in particular, if you make the best of what you’ve got, rather than focus so much on what you don’t have.</p>
<p>As Sheryl Crow sings–</p>
<pre><code> I don’t have digital
I don’t have diddly squat
It’s not having what you want
It’s wanting what you’ve got
</code></pre>
<p>Or to paraphrase JFK–</p>
<pre><code> Ask not what your mother can do for you; ask what you can do for your mother.
</code></pre>
<p>Well… as a single (white) mom, I can actually kind of relate to your mom. The pressures of parenthood (heck, adulthood), working, raising kids, being responsible for a house can knock anything except the most pragmatic things out of your life. You don’t have time for the other stuff for years and years. Not to make all those things sound awful, because I would not trade parenthood for anything (although some of those other things, like housework, I’d happily dispose of!). But when you have to have a laser focus on balancing so many things to make sure you have a roof, food, can pay for education, and maybe save some retirement funds, and have no other adult to trade off with when the stress is high, you don’t always have time for other things.</p>
<p>Thank your mom sincerely for her gift. Tell her there is a book you want to buy. Read it, then send it to her. Later, call her and ask her what she thought of it. Or tell her you will use some of the money to go out for dinner, then tell her about cooking for the people in the shelter. Your mom wants to know that you are physically OK. After you assure her of that, then shift the conversation to how you are happy with your activities and classes.</p>
<p>Lots of dads don’t know how to talk to their kids, so buy them things. Its still love. Slowly you will be able to shift the theme of the phone calls.</p>
<p>Ha! You should have a Jewish mother. Typical conversation:</p>
<p>Mom: “Are you getting enough sleep? I hope you’re not eating too much junk food! It’s a little chilly out today, are you going to be wearing a jacket?”</p>
<p>Me: “Mom, I’m almost 55 years old, in relatively good shape and live in Florida. How are YOU feeling?”</p>
<p>OP, if it’ll make you feel better, take the money and put it in a seperate bank account for her. Years down the road, send her on a nice cruise or buy her a new car. She feels good now giving you the money, you can feel good then giving her something nice. Seriously, us white moms aren’t having deep soulful discussions with our kids. We just want to make sure they are safe, fed, getting a good education and staying out of trouble. Seriously,my kid would think there was something wrong with me if I tried to start the type of conversation you are looking for. Save it for your college peers.</p>
<p>We show love in different ways, through services, words, touch, gifts and/or time spent with our loved one. When my daughter was small, I used words and touch to convey how I felt toward her. Touch and words of endearment became akward for her as she grew older and I replaced them with gifts and services. Now and again she will call and tell me about her relationships or her classes but sometimes I don’t like hearing the details. I am not a peer and I find it difficult to refrain from giving unasked for advice. The good thing is she calls back every once and awhile and opens up again. I hang on to every word but all I can do in return is send gifts. When she lets me know that she wants to spend time together, I will be there with bells on but she prefers her friends for now.</p>
<p>I think it’s fine that the OP is expressing his/her feelings here. Lots of us do. And I think a lot of people have idealized versions of what other parent/child relationships are like. </p>
<p>I have a couple of suggestions. Rather than waiting for her to figure out what you are needing, try modeling it a bit. Ask her open-ended questions about her and her life – not intellectual, but the kind she can answer. As a single parent, she may have put a lot on hold, including the luxury to think about her own dreams, aspirations, etc. She may have given up making cheesecake for 300 to make sure you got an education, etc. Try to get to know her. If she grew up in another country, ask what life was like there. Maybe you could have a joint dream of taking a trip there someday. I am a therapist, and I’ve had people in my practice with similar issues. I worked with one person who actually didn’t even have effective means to communicate with a parent due to language barriers – she wasn’t fluent in her mom’s language and her mother wasn’t fluent in English. Late in life, she took her mother to her homeland and that was and experience rich in meaning for both of them. Sometimes – not always, but sometimes – if you want to be known, it helps to first try knowing the person you are hoping to have more intimacy with.</p>
<p>Also, you can gently let her know that she did her job well from a material standpoint. You can let her know she has provided for you, you are secure, and that she can relax and you would love to be able to see some of that money go toward her now. You asked, “She was once an idealist wasn’t she?” Maybe not. She provided for you so you had the chance to be an idealist. Some people don’t actually get that luxury or aren’t wired that way. Maybe the reason she has let you pursue your own interests is because she didn’t get to. I have no idea, but I do know she was a person before she was a mother. Try to get to know that person.</p>
<p>D1 likes to call me to tell me about her relationships, and sometimes it’s too much information. What I do now is to send her a new handbag whenever she breaks up with a guy. It always cheers her up. It beats having any soulful discussion.</p>
<p>At my age, my parents still ask me if I have eaten yet. When I visit them, my mom still constantly ask me if she could make something for me to eat. It is her way of showing me her love. H will eat whatever she puts in front of him.</p>
<p>There are a lot of (white) parents who will not pay for their kid’s college education. Kudos to your mom for putting you through school and still manage to send you spending money. It is her way of telling you how much she loves you. You may want to write her a letter someday to thank her - mother’s day is coming up.</p>
<p>The white parents that I know on a regular basis often said to me that whenever their sons/daughters call, it’s usually when they need money. Go figure!</p>
<p>Many parents grumble that the only time they hear from their kids is when they’re in a jam and/or need money or other things from the folks. Sounds like you have a wonderful mom, OP; wish you could appreciate her for the wonderful person she is and all she does for you.</p>
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