Ask Danielle, a real live teenager

Parent Cafe
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<p>Limom, I’m very sorry for how slow this response has been. I’m completely out of it. From here on in, any typing and grammatical errors are not my fault. I apologize for the massive length of this post. A long day makes for a longer post, who knew?</p>

<p>For the Son
I would discourage you from getting him an Xbox even though I play video games and enjoy them a great deal. They eat time and invite a whole host of other problems (how much violence is too much violence, for instance). If I were in his place, I’d be crushed at that news. I bought an Xbox for my 16th birthday with my own money and I think that taught me an important lesson though. The console price may seem reasonable, but controllers so you can play with friends, cables, and games ultimately blow the sticker. I think the night of my 16th birthday I spent $550 on an Xbox, 4 controllers, games, etc. 6 months later when I sold it because my PC died, I got $290 on ebay. The entertainment in the mean time was worth every penny, but that depreciation and expense is a good lesson for kids. Alternatively, a Best Buy gift card (or similar) can be saved by him and put into the system.</p>

<p>A video camcorder, especially one he can take lots of places for shooting silly stuff as it happens, would be a solid decision. Something like the Flip Video ([Amazon.com:</a> Flip Video Ultra Series Camcorder, 60-Minutes (Black): Camera & Photo](<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000V1PXMI/ruggedelegance31519-20/ref=nosim)%5DAmazon.com:”>http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000V1PXMI/ruggedelegance31519-20/ref=nosim))). Size matters because if it’s clunky, and I’m making several assumptions here, it’s not going to get used very much at all. Those assumptions include: it’s his first camera, he uses YouTube, he doesn’t want to make Wes Anderson-esque short films. I’ve learned this with my digital camera. For guys, it has to be comfortably pocket sized or it won’t get used. Girls stash their cameras and god knows whatever else in those hulking handbags but guys can’t. Well I guess they could but…</p>

<p>As for the drum set, I can’t really gauge his interest on it. I have friends who bought instruments in middle school and still play and still love to play. I’ve seen a couple instruments languishing in closets. If you do get him drums, I would strongly recommend lessons. Learning an instrument from scratch is difficult process and overwhelming at first. Plus it should get some of that beating out of the house.</p>

<p>For the Stockings
NOW! Your original question, after all that unrequested advice. My mom is always cute and puts a jar of pickles in my stocking. That wouldn’t make many people happy. Exotic and foreign candies like French bon bons or Italian Baci may be good. These are available in most megamarts. I think getting instant gratification in the stocking is the whole point. As for older boys, I’m 18 so I may be in a position to help. It’s good to see that the boy doesn’t deserve coal. Depending on the kid, Pez dispensers are something I would recommend. Most teenagers have nostalgia for those things. As for more durable goods, maybe a nice fountain pen. That really depends on the guy. I think the other suggestions are very strong. I would favor a gift card with a little more personality, like money to a nice restaurant so the two of them can go on an upscale date. An Amazon gift card is the ace of all trades in my opinion but if you want other clothing options, bustedtees.com and threadless.com are popular among my friends.</p>

<p>Then again, we could follow Mitch Hedburg’s quip, “A severed foot makes a perfect stocking stuffer.”</p>

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<p>Ninja, is there no limit to the cool things you know?
(I am thinking not)
I also am very sorry for my absence. My school assigns select senoirs “eight grade buddies” and I took mine around with me today, We went to my grandmas to drop off my combat class pics, went to cosco and then we stopped by my office and used our james bond skills to avoid dectection from my supervisor while I dropped of items that I should have done days ago (oops). In any case, um… presents for boys. </p>

<p>I bought a pez dispenser for tons of my friends this year! Cosco variety are great, its like a 10 or 15 pack so they end up being like 99 cents each… Though I do not know if you would need that many.</p>

<p>I am so bad at guy presents, last year I commissioned my culinarily gifted friend to help me bake my gift for my then-boyfriend.
What about oakleys, or raybans or some sort of really cool sunglasses? I know its winter, but Im asking for bcbg glasses and my bro loves his oakleys as if they were his child. Does he play a particular sport? I believe that there are specialized ones for wintersports(that are not goggles).</p>

<p>Stocking stuffer?
I say a hermit crab, different, cheap, cages are small. I do not know if they survivie without the pretty shiny sun that my state tends to hold a monopoly on, but I know I want one.</p>

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<p>Question for everyone:</p>

<p>How strict are/were your high school teachers about non academic relating issues?</p>

<p>For example: Upon arriving in my first period, I habitually plug my phone into its charger, into the wall outlet behind the teachers desk… I never thought to ask, I just started doing it, and then I pull out the “suisse mocha” or “french vanilla cafe” mix containers (which I have purchased and brought to school for this purpose)that I keep in his coffee/plasticware/cups cabinet and use his hot water to make my third morning coffee (all students are welcome to the hot water, cabinet space), then I return to my seat and pull out my muffin and enjoy. I have had this teacher for three years, but I am quite comfortable doing most of these things with (nearly) all my teachers (with the exception of my chem teacher…but she scares me to death). Is this atypical to my school or in general are teachers this laid back about these things? The one thing I ensure is that I am not a distraction to others. That, I believe, would carry consequences.</p>

<p>Also, (though I fully intend to continue in my blissful routine) should this behaviour be permitted? I have heard arguments (in other threads) that such things may be taken care of outside of class, but if it is not a problem, why prohibit it? (note: it may be prohibited in the handbook, but unenforced… I do not know).</p>

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<p>Ninja - thanks for getting back to me - you gave me a good laugh this mornning! A jar of pickles in your stocking - your mom is so funny. I think my son would think I lost my mind. He is not a fan of pickles…lol. Now, my D - she would think that was great. Your point about the stocking being about instant gratification make sense - I will keep that in mind. Fun snacks of some kind will definitely be included. I pretty much agree with you about the XBOX - I just think S already spends enough time on laptop, cell phone and PS2 - he is not in need of anymore distractions. </p>

<p>Thanks for posting the link for the video camera - that looks perfect - and the price is right, even for the most expensive one plus accessories. Either I will get that for him, or his grandparents will. And you are exactly right about how he will use it.</p>

<p>The drums are another story. S really doesn’t really have the room for drums in his bedroom, and I really don’t want them downstairs. S has had a few years of guitar lessons (no longer touches his real guitars, just Guitar Hero). He plays an instrument in the band at school and takes private lessons for that. His private music teacher told him he could alternate weekly - drum lessons one week, baritone lessons the other. BTW, my D is a percussionist who does not own a drumset. She has a bunch of other percussion instruments, but no drumset. </p>

<p>Thanks for the suggestions for the BF as well. I think your suggestions were all excellent. Student615 had also suggested a gift certificate of some kind - and your suggestion of a nice restaurant is perfect. I know he isn’t working now (too much going on at school plus college apps) so he doesn’t have much money to take D out…lol. They mostly hang out with friends (she doesn’t mind), but I’m sure they would like to go out alone once in awhile. I’m not familiar with either of those web sites, but I will take a look at them.</p>

<p>That was a sort of scary quote, by the way…lol. Thanks again for all your help Ninja.</p>

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<p>Danielle, thank you for your help as well - although I’m sorry, but I don’t think I will go with your suggestion - I don’t want a hermit crab…lol. We’ve been there and done that already. Don’t get me wrong, they are cute, but I really don’t want one right now. We had our original one for quite a long time (I can’t remember exactly how long, but it seemed like forever), but for some reason once we added buddies, none of them lasted too long. Maybe one of the new ones was sick or something - I just don’t know.</p>

<p>I can’t get the BF sunglasses (although it’s not a bad idea for someone else’s bf) because he wears prescription glasses. I think I am going with the restaurant gift certificate - that’s sort of like a gift for D as well, so he might be more comfortable accepting that, plus maybe a t-shirt from the catalog Ninja recommended - I just have to decide which ones (restaurant & t-shirt).</p>

<p>Now, to answer your question - when I was in high school, there were no cell phones/laptops, so that wasn’t an issue at all. Also, food and drinks were not permitted in class for the most part. In college and law school, yes - in high school, no.</p>

<p>At my kids’ schools, cell phones are not allowed to be used at all within the building during school hours, so I don’t think anybody would have the nerve to plug theirs in and charge it up in a classroom…lol. I’ll have to ask D. S is in middle school, and they have to leave their cell phones in their lockers and turned off during the day, so I know they don’t charge them in their classes.</p>

<p>Now as far as the food/drinks go - I know D might bring water in, but that’s it. In her school, I think students are allowed to bring in food and drinks if it is ok with their teacher. They were even allowed to do this in elementary school. I think a lot of kids in our are are over-extended with ECs and heavy courseloads and so the teachers are willing to allow stuff like eating/drinking in class as long as the students aren’t disruptive. You are probably referring to the bottled water thread where one or two parents were totally against the idea of bringing even water into the classroom. I really have no problem with it. As far as food and sugary drinks, I don’t like it because I think that can cause a pest problem if the rooms are not cleaned well enough. I don’t think it’s a problem at D’s school because I don’t think many kids eat/drink in the rooms on a regular basis - but I can see it becoming a problem in some schools.</p>

<p>Keep enjoying your blissful routine, as long as nobody has complained, I’m sure you are fine.</p>

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<p>My teachers are pretty laid back in class but the administration is another story. We have what’s commonly referred to as “the sheet.” It’s a fictional sheet that hangs over the building and its balconies and if you’re under the sheet during school hours, a revealed cell phone will be taken by a vice-principal. Teachers are more relaxed and most will let a ringing cell phone go. Eating is the same way. If it becomes a distraction or makes a mess, don’t do it, but otherwise it’s fine. I think if you treat teachers with respect and as adults, they’ll be inclined to treat you the same way. Now if someone is eating tortilla chips or brings in a bucket of chicken, it won’t fly, but sandwiches and even salads are allowed as long as they don’t distract other students.</p>

<p>Sleeping is okay too as long as the person is willing to accept the academic consequences. One time this year in my economics class, a friend of mine was totally out of it and the teacher decided to call on him to answer a question about material we had covered while he was sleeping.</p>

<p>Teacher: "Hey [Jack], how’re you doing today?"wakes up -
Friend: “I’m okay, a little bit tired.”
Teacher: “So where is the socially ideal point on this monopoly graph?”
Friend: “Uh, Q4 I would say.”
Teacher gives a look of utter defeat.</p>

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<p>OK Danielle and Ninja:</p>

<p>Why does my daughter (15) prefer to have an extended conversation with her friends via text-message rather than via voice? They obviously both have a cell phone in their hands. We have so many minutes on our plan that she could talk all day and I wouldn’t care, but now I’m paying an extra $15/month for her to get 1500 text messages - AND SHE GOES OVER THE LIMIT! That’s 50 texts per day! (FYI, she pays me for the over-charges).</p>

<p>I can understand when she’s in the car with me and doesn’t want me to hear the conversation with her boyfriend, but when she and a girl friend are both at home… it takes a total of about 20 texts back and forth to make a plan to go to friend’s house tonight to hang out and watch a DVD. WHY??? </p>

<p>I asked her this and she said, “You just don’t get it.” No, I obviously don’t. That’s why I asked…</p>

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<p>my text record was 12000 a month, that is roughly <em>Danielle breaks out calculator</em> 200 sent and 200 recieved a day(now at the time I was in an unfamiliar school, and did not like most of my new peers). I was also an addict. It was all I did in class, on the way home, and when I was home. Eventually my parents all out pulled the plug (probably the most devasting piece of parental disicipline in the history of my childhood history). That lasted about 5 monthes. Now (I am back to the school where I have spent 8 years) I send and recieve about 20 each a day(at least 5 are from/to my Dad, lol, and those are tyipcally the ones during class). Way more controlled. This quite long story was to exress the point that I understand both your daughter and your points(grammer?).</p>

<p>1.) txt msgn iz da n thing
(lol, text messaging is the “in” thing)
2.) Iz fun 2 git a msg
(It is fun to recieve a message, just like recieving a comment on myspace. You feel loved and important.)
3.)It is more casual than a call (I got tired of writing the crazy/annoying text version of short hand). It is easier to text the guy you like, or a friend that you do not know so well than(then?) talk to him on the phone. </p>

<p>Miss Limo Mom,
That is so cool that you know the bf enough to know what would be a good gift and what would not be so good!!! Haha, I wish my Mom was like that!</p>

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<p>Unfortunately, Momneedsadvice, you probably got a “you just dont get it” because there are not really complicated concepts to getting it. Its just fun/in.</p>

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<p>Suggestion for boyfriend or stocking stuffer: I found the coolest t-shirt website yesterday: [CafePress.com</a> : Create, Buy and Sell Unique Gifts, Custom T-Shirts and More](<a href=“http://www.cafepress.com%5DCafePress.com”>http://www.cafepress.com) I ordered a Colbert for President shirt for my oldest son. You can do a search by profession or interest or type of item - t-shirts, hoodies, pins, etc. Just roll them up for a stocking stuffer (add an orange and a toothbrush and you’re done!) or put in a gift bag for a present.</p>

<p>Danielle’s question about her casual morning breakfasts in class: No, that would not be allowed in our school. Food is only allowed to be eaten in the cafeteria and water is the only beverage allowed outside of the cafeteria. Cell phones are allowed but must be turned off. If they ring or a person is caught using them, they can be confiscated. I think it would be very distracting as a teacher to have a classroom of people snacking away while I was trying to teach - especially if I didn’t have my coffee too.:)</p>

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<p>I’ve never gotten why people have actual conversations through text either. Only time that happens for me is if someone is in the library or in the middle of something (which means they can answer the text when they get a free second).</p>

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<p>kathiep - thanks for directing me to that web site - very cool tees. I haven’t made any decisions yet - I’ll ask D for her opinion. I saw a few possibilities on your site as well as the ones recommended by Ninja. I’m not doing a stocking for the bf (I don’t think) as my kids will go through theirs when they wake up in the morning. I just don’t want him to feel left out when our relatives are exchanging gifts. I know D got him two gifts - one for Hanukkah (which he celebrates) and one for Christmas (because he will be joining us at our house). </p>

<p>Danielle, I really don’t know D’s BF that well…lol. I saw a lot more of him when they first started dating - now that he drives, I only see him in passing. I wish D would bring him home more often so we could get to know him better - but she is reluctant to because her dad is not a big fan. She also told her BF that him I hate him (I don’t hate him at all, and I never said I did or implied it - I like him and think he’s a good guy - I just didn’t think it was a great idea for them to get back together as I didn’t think they had worked out the differences which had caused them to break up in the first place). As far as knowing what would be a good gift for her BF, I do know him well enough for that as I saw a lot of him last spring and summer. Also, I know he doesn’t have a job at the moment which means he’s got limited funds, so I’m sure a restaurant gift certificate would be appreciated. I am tempted to get it for my D’s favorite restaurant though…lol. I also know which restaurants he likes, so I’ll just ask D which one I should choose.</p>

<p>Ninja - cute story about your friend.</p>

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<p>I did the restaurant gift certificate for my D’s boyfriend her senior year. Pair it if you want with a gift certificate for the local movie theatre.
Limomof2 brought up something that I would like answered.
Why do kids always say their friends think the parents don’t like them?</p>

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<p>I feel unable to answer this because I feel my parents have not liked most of my bfs… Not that I do not appreciate their judgement now. The ones they did not like ended up either cheating or in juvie.</p>

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<p>Good idea, mom60. Thanks for the suggestion. </p>

<p>I’m sorry that your parents haven’t liked most of your bfs - but it sounds like maybe they were right. Sometimes, parents can just tell about things like that. I think I’m lucky because my D tends to like really smart, very nice guys. So far, she’s only had this one BF, but she has lots of guy friends, and they are all that way - good students, athletic and at least somewhat involved in school activities. She really doesn’t like the guys who get into trouble, thank goodness.</p>

<p>But guess what - I have another question for you teens. Why do teenagers seem to have a problem making plans in advance? My d rarely knows what her plans for the evening will be until a few minutes before she walks out the door (unless it is a Sweet 16 or concert or something like that). Maybe all teens aren’t that way, and it’s just my D and her group of friends?</p>

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<p>The vast majority of people I know are that way. It’s so easy with a cell phone to just do the details in the final little bit. It’s less constricting and more spontaneous. If you’re just getting a cup of coffee (at Starbucks of course), it’s impossible to know Sunday night whether you’ll be free Tuesday afternoon to go. Flexibility is big. There may be a variety of opinions on this though.</p>

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<p>Oh yes, this is a good question.</p>

<p>You know something, it IS possible to know in advance, if you just commit to it… </p>

<p>We parents (pre-cell phone, text, IM, etc) had to make our plans way ahead of time to have any sort of social life at all-- so this is a big change from our generation.</p>

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<p>Mom60, I don’t really understand your question. Could you re-phrase it?</p>

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<p>corranged - I think Mom60 is saying that kids’ friends often think their friends’ parents hate them, or that their parents hate their friends. I have heard kids say that so many times. In my case, I was saying that my D actually told her BF that I hated him, which is something I never said. I always liked him, I just had some misgivings about them as a couple due to unresolved issues.</p>

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<p>Oh, OK. Thanks. That’s never happened to me, actually, and I’ve rarely heard kids say that.</p>