<p>I also agree with astronautical that it has to do with exploring boundaries. Haha, I do not, however, agree that it is univversal.</p>
<p>tdanielle: Thanks for this. I have a bit of a personal question- if your mom asks you questions like the ones you are getting here, do you answer them patiently or do you just roll your eyes? I guess now you could just refer her to this thread.</p>
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<p>I was giving a teenage perspective too, actually :)</p>
<p>Sanjenferr, haha, alrite.</p>
<p>Vicariousparent, personal question, totally cool.
Of course I do not always answer my parents patiently, but we have some systems worked out. These are some of the ones I have contributed
1.) No more than three questions at a time, then it begins to feel like an interrogation
2.) Calling three consecutive times (and having me answer each time) to tell me three different things that it would be “cool to do tommorrow” while I am working/in the movies is not nice.</p>
<p>Parents have contributed:
-Unless there is a specific reason to be closed behind a door (ie sleeping, changing, whatever, its gotta be somewhat open (we argue about this all of the time)
-family dinners=mandatory
-If you are old enough to drive, you must have some sort of job</p>
<p>Having these understandings help to cut out unnessecary arguments, but the important thing about making “understandings” is that teens, as young adults, get a say. I am able to talk to my parents about things that upset me (for instance coming home to ten questions when I have already completely explain where I was going and with whom) and in turn for listening to my mom when she says that if she went through the trouble of planning a family dinner, I better show up.</p>
<p>tdanielle,</p>
<p>There is a thread on the parents’ college discussion regarding freshmen girls who came home for Thanksgiving wearing the “Freshmen 15” (pounds that is). Is there a way to discuss this topic with a teenage girl? My D has always prided herself on her very slender and attractive body. She is still looking good, but definitely a bit larger. She is very depressed about it but hasn’t specifically brought it up other than to say “I don’t look cute anymore” and other such things. I want her to know how easy it would be to reverse the trend now rather than later by just not eating the junk she has been keeping in her room or buys from vending machines. I know she knows it but I recently saw a nutritionist and feel better than I have in years due to better eating (and exercising). Is there a good way to have this conversation or do I just let her work it out? I hate to see her so upset.</p>
<p>Sorry to hijack your thread danielle, but I have to answer this one. My mom and I argue about it all the time.</p>
<p>Abric - Talking about weight is one of the more sensitive subjects in a teen girl’s life. Believe me, she knows in agonizing detail every pound that she has put on and, if she has been thin her whole high school career, she knows how to stay in shape. If she asks for advice, give it to her, no questions asked. Other than that, talking to her about it will likely get her defensive and angry. Let her work it out. She knows what she needs to do.</p>
<p>Oh dear. This is a really tough one because as a parent of a teen girl you are very familar with how sensitive she is and how much (unfortunatly) a girls figure is linked to her self esteem. I would first, approach with extreme sensitivity (poor girl). I love that you are wanting her to know how easy it is to be at a more healthy level and wanting her to feel more good about herself rather than um… taking a more pagent mom attitude.</p>
<p>I had an issue with depression last year, and I gained some weight (reverse I know but bear with me), and my mom asked if I wanted to come with HER to HER personal training appt. Because the focus was not me, I went for it(I lost the weight and got out of the badness, so happy ending). I would try something along these lines(ask her if she would like to accompany you to YOUR nutritionist appt), but be very careful(obviously). Or mention that the gym you are a member of (it would have to be like 24 hr fitness, because its everywhere) has a holiday deal for families (I believe most of them do). That is the best way I can think to approach it.</p>
<p>I agree with mechales in that whatever you do, be extremely loving and compassionate. Also, do not approach it directly.</p>
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<p>A lot of profanity simply rolls off the tongue. I say some without really thinking consciously “Oh my gosh, I’m cussing”. It’s automatic. And in the same idea… if something really bad or really scary happens to me. So I guess a lot of profanity has just been engrained into my vocab. I suppress it in front of teachers, but when I’m around other teens, it’s just normal. I don’t take it to mean that I’m really crude or low-class. I think some of the shock-value of profanity has worn off for teens, but perhaps not for the older generations.</p>
<p>I have a few friends who don’t swear. Some of them don’t because they’re really religious, some don’t because they have the whole wide-eyed, innocent girl thing going on. But most of my friends swear about as much as I do.</p>
<p>And yet, mechales, I do not know abric1. I do not know abrics daughter. Abric could be an overbearing parent who expects her child to fit into a scrawny size zero and would freak if she fit into a 2…but I dont think so. I think that abric desperately wants to help her daughter to be happy with herself and is willing to take a risk if it may bring her child closer to her former happy self (otherwise she would not ask advice from a strange teenager on the internet). And this does not sound like abrics issue. Obviously, her daughter has shown signs of illcontent. Abric is going to do everything she can to help (because thats what parents do) and I am simply offering my insight (which may or may not be helpful) in order to aid her in finding her own way to be what her daughter needs</p>
<p>Um, I do not quite agree</p>
<p>I just cannot imagine any situation that I would ever bring up the issue of weight with my daughters (or anyone else for that matter), unless they said something first. And by something, I’d mean, something specific about the weight, not just, “I don’t look cute anymore.” My daughters do not by any means have perfect hour glass figures, but unless one of them specifically mentioned a weight issue and was asking for a response, it just doesn’t get discussed. Even when D1 did Weight Watchers one summer, I’d congratulate her when she’d announce her newest loss, but never would I imply she needed to lose more or stop losing.</p>
<p>When D2 was home this past week, she made a passing comment that she’d lost four pounds this semester. She seemed kind of proud that she hadn’t put weight on, but what I said to her was, “Wow, you must be getting more exercise in college than you thought you would.” Then she proceded to tell me how she thinks she lost the weight (a combination of things), but I never made any sort of judgmental statement about the condition of her body itself.</p>
<p>If someone thinks their daughter is gaining weight and unhappy, then I suspect the unhappiness is at the root of the weight issue, and once the unhappiness is dealt with, the weight issue will take care of itself. </p>
<p>I just don’t see any positive purpose in bringing up weight issues with anyone unless you’re worried about their health (either becoming obese, or anorexic/bulimic).</p>
<p>Thanks tdanielle. If I were guessing, I would say that some degree of depression (being away from home) and stress (new school, unknown expectations, making all new friends) was a cause of the weight gain. Sadly, though, it has just added to her sadness. Ironically, in HS, I had some concerns about whether she was at risk for an eating disorder, which is the other reason I want to tread lightly on the issue. I like your suggestion of a less directed approach. I will do my best and wait ll she is home for Xmas and see how things go then.</p>
<p>If anyone has any questions about teenage guys, I can answer anything that Danielle isn’t sure about.</p>
<p>Thanks ninja! ABric, I agree that the root os other things (leaving home and what not).</p>
<p>Mine issue was that my older guy friends who had graduated (they were like brothers, lol nothing weird) left home, joined the military and were gonna be sent to war.</p>
<p>as a middle-aged fuddy duddy parent, I’d like to come to the defense of Uggs. In my 40+ something years on this planet, I’ve never owned a pair of boots that are as comfortable as my Uggs. Why I think you see so many young girls wearing them even when it’s warm out (although I certainly don’t do this) is more a fashion statement, but because of how they’re made, girls can wear them in mild weather, without socks, and be comfortable.</p>
<p>In my previously mentioned middle-age status, I find that I prefer everyday running around boots/shoes that have little weight to them (I never did understand Doc Maartens - they were so friggin heavy). So add me to the list of obnoxious Crocs wearers, too. They weigh nothing and are incredibly comfortable on my feet. I don’t mind spending the money because I get so much use out of them (why can’t they create a sneaker that will hold up like Uggs and Crocs? I’d love to not have to replace my workout shoes every six months).</p>
<p>I thought I’d lost my brain when I spent $120 on a pair of jeans a few months ago, but when I tried them on, and realized how perfectly they fit me (and again, the middle-aged comfort factor played in), I couldn’t resist. Now why can’t the Gap or Levis make a jean that’s as comfortable and custom fitting as these expensive jeans? </p>
<p>My kids think it’s hilarious that I’ve spent most of my life without these so-called luxury items, and now at my age, spend the sums of money I do… but again, these are all items that I know I will have for years, and will never go out of style. I would never spend that kind of money on something that will be passe next year. I believe in a good bang for the buck.</p>
<p>tdanielle - please, try to explain to me the appeal of rap music. I’m a pretty open-minded adult when it comes to music (I took my kid to her first Dave Matthews concert before she really knew much about Dave), but I just don’t get rap.</p>
<p>I own uggs. But not crocs. I will not go that far, lol I prefer rainbows (they are flip flops, you should try them).
Dave Matthews rocks. And of course you spent most of your life without such luxery items, you were no doubt the child of parents who lived through the depression and passed on their resourceful values. Also, do not insult you age please. I do not encourage any sort of ageism on my thread, this is about parents and teens coming together and sharing insight in a non hostile environment (not that you were adding hostility, but I do not want to encourage any sort of negativity here)</p>
<p>Now, on rap. Ninja, I would appreciate any help that you could provide here. I think we have to go back to the origins of rap. Alot of how it sounds (rhythm, tempo) are thanks to Big Herk, but it started out alot like Jazz and r&b, as a way to express hardship… yet grew (with biggie and tupac) to have to do with the hood, and then was associated with gangs. And as our culture moved away from its white supremicist ways (ie domination of the Native Americans, enslavement of the Africans, and then subjugation of the Asians) all cultures began to sypathize with the kids who sang about “growing up in the hood” and since then it has changed dramatically to what it is today… mostly singing about sex and drugs (ironically like alot of older rock and roll) because that is what sells</p>
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<p>I have a few questions about teenage guys. Why do they say “dude” a lot? Or if they’re talking to another guy, they have to say “dude” or “man” at the end? Like “Take care, man” instead of “Take care, Kevin (or whatever the guy’s name was)”? Or when they make an error, they go “aww, mannn”… I ask them why they’re saying “aw mann” for, but they don’t know. Or when they notice something they dislike about another guy, they say “DUUUDE, what’s up with that?” or something like that. </p>
<p>Also, I noticed that when they get upset, they almost always cuss and/or lose their composure. I’m a teenage guy also but never had the urge to cuss (though I have no problem cussing). When I get upset, I say “I’m really upset,” stare out into the distance and that’s it. I don’t understand. </p>
<p>Also, why don’t teenage guys cross their legs? I notice a lot of older men do, so what is it about teenage guys? I think it’s a dignified way of sitting (just saying, not that I want to impose that on people). Also, I think that some of them <em>want</em> to sit with their legs crossed but just don’t because they think it looks feminine. What’s so feminine about that? seriously…</p>
<p>danielle or ninja:</p>
<p>Do teens “date” anymore? S2, 16, is “in a relationship” and will often go to her house to watch dvds (parents at home so no ■■■■■■■■■■■ but if they go out to the movies or a day at the beach, it’s always her and her friends and friends of friends. Is the scene where the guy nervously calls a girl to ask her, alone, out on a first-time date pretty much a days-of-yore kind of thing? </p>
<p>And why are weekend plans almost never made in advance so someone would know if someone is eating at home or not. It seems like plans to go out are thrown together at the last possible moment, changing and realigning with every text that comes in. Drives me crazy. Although it is easier now that I no longer have to play chauffeur to the evening plans.</p>