I have never, since I joined, seen a post about being married to a spouse who has ASD. Asperger Syndrome Disorder. We discuss our kids but not other adults in our lives. My ASH was diagnosed a few months ago by a psychologist. My DIL and S are also. My D and SIL and Grandsons are not. I have hesitated to post here, a few have known my H in younger years and so I was protecting him. I have read some posts that I simply know the poster is dealing with some of the same issues that I have now dealt with for 37 years. Anyone?
1 Like
I’m sorry no one has responded yet.
It sounds exhausting to have so many ASD people in your family.
My H has one friend (and boss) that I suspect have ASD. It’s challenging to deal with them. The friend would call at very inappropriate times and did not seem to grasp that 10:30 on Sunday night wasn’t a good time. I’m honestly so happy for cell phones so that I no longer have to deal with him.
I hope that others will chime in.
Chiming in that I’m sure you will find some support her @oregon101 .
After knowing a few people with Asberger’s, I find that I now see those traits in others and just use that knowledge to help me know how to navigate with these people are work or in the community. Recognizing that different social behaviors are there is the first step and then to just develop some techniques for working along with them.
When I was in college one of the girls on our floor was socially awkward and just different about certain things. Didn’t really have close friends and just had some off behaviors. I remember that her memory was unbelievable and she seemed to have literally memorized the dorm phone book. It dawned on me recently that I bet this young woman was on the spectrum. I don’t think we needed that label back then but more importantly just needed the tools to work with her in social situations.
Do you feel you have those tools with your H after all these years?? Still hard I’m sure at times.
@oregon101 when I was dating a man I was positive had Asperger’s, I found this website called “aspiecentral” which had a forum devoted to neurotypical people in a relationship with someone on the spectrum. You might find it helpful. I have since remarried, and my husband has many Asperger traits, but I think he knows he sometimes comes across the wrong way and he tries really hard to say and do the right thing. Our step-daughter recently got an entry level job at a local store. She told me the good news; I didn’t tell my husband, but I did say to him: "She has good news. Once she tells you, you should say “That’s good news!” or “Gee that’s great!” Because otherwise I know he would say the first negative thing that came to his head.
Can someone tell me what ASH stands for? Thanks.
To the OP, is there a support group for spouses of those with ASD?
I’m guessing ASH is my Asperger’s Syndrome Husband.
Yes, I have involvement in a support group.
ASD --autism spectrum disorder. Typically still referred to as Asperger. Issues mainly presenting in the areas of Theory of Mind and the communication of feelings. Often successful in their employments.
I’ve had to do that with my husband. I’ve had to explain to him about something that happened to one of the kids and suggest to him how to react. Usually his first reaction would be negative or deflating or just odd. I’ve often wondered if he’s somewhere on the edge of a long, drawn-out spectrum.
My dad had it, as well as post divorce relationship of a number of years, and my sister. Learning about the syndrome has been so helpful in terms of not thinking of those people as clueless, but understanding that their brains, priorities and view of the world originate from a different neurological perspective. Not bad, but different and sometimes hurtful, so finding ways to accept them and not expect what one might from a more neurotypical relationship has been helpful.
Just because he now has a diagnosis (and son, too), doesn’t mean he’s any different from the person you married. Try to remember that autistic spectrum people have many good traits - often good steady workers, faithful loyal friends and spouses, quite straightforward. It makes up for the rigidity and black and white thinking.
I think that there are more closet autistic types here than anyone would ever realize. Often highly intelligent, and concerned with education. And internet forums are controlled, arms-length communication, which often suits introverted “spectrumy” types very well.
Actually, they are most often very different than the person you married. This is a well known fact. Their ability to present as a desirable partner typically lasts 2-3 years. There are books and articles with this information. It is called “Masking” and, basically, they have learned a script on how to date and marry.
Eventually, those desirable traits change. Of course, that happens with many people. This is a predictable pattern with ASD people.
I am not saying that they do not have good traits. I simply asked if anyone wanted to discuss. Living with a person who shows little executive functioning and limited empathy presents it’s own problems.
Understanding the diagnosis does help with stress and with letting go of the idea that there is something wrong with you for expecting your spouse to behave in a more neurotypical (NT) way.
2 Likes
brantly, perfectly described and along with a number of other responses, or lack of response, to situations that do not show empathy.
1 Like
I was married to an Aspie for 20 years, and am now divorced. I have known many women who have been married to Aspies, and unfortunately none of those marriages have been happy (at least not for the N/T half — the ASD spouses seem to mostly get what they want from it). The women I know who are still married to Aspies are just resigned to the fact that although they love their spouse, they will never have the kind of deep emotional connection and true partnership they crave (and thought they had when they were first married). Your description of “masking” behavior is spot on. I found the book The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome by Maxine Aston very helpful and have recommended it to many others.
1 Like
My niece has Aspergers. One funny thing she said to my son, a year older, still makes me chuckle. Like many asppie’s, she’s highly intelligent. As a sophomore in H.S., she had taken higher level science courses. My son, a junior, barely got a C in chemistry. (Obviously my child).
So, we are in our van going to a family outing and the 2 of them are in the back. She got all A’s if honors organic chemistry, etc. They are chatting and she asks him what he got in Chemistry and he said a “C”. She replies, “oh, so you flunked it”. LOL!
I asked him later on if that bothered him and he said no, he understood she can’t help saying those types of things, he realizes she wasn’t intentionally being insulting.
It’s wonderful if you’re able distance yourself emotionally and can recognize the person isn’t being intentionally insulting. It may be easier if it’s not a person you’re very close to, harder if it’s a spouse, parent or child. I suspect my father has Asperger’s. One of the quickest ways to describe a typical interaction with him is the story of his reaction to meeting my (at the time boyfriend, we’ve since been married for almost 30 years) husband. DH is everything my father wanted out of his children, so I knew dad would like him. I was just unprepared for what he said after DH left.
“Wow! [DH] is just about perfect! He’s tall and really good looking, he’s an engineer, he has a great career, he drives a Porsche… What do you think he wants with you?”
I can tell that story and laugh, because it is funny. He honestly wasn’t intentionally trying to insult me and he wouldn’t understand if one tried to explain why this statement would be considered hurtful. He was impressed that I’d somehow managed to bewitch this amazing catch into being interested in me despite the fact that obviously (in his opinion) this guy was way out of my league. He is who he is.
I would not marry or subject children to a person with Asperger’s.
1 Like
@milee30 and others on receiving end, may I just say ouch! It seems as though people with Asperger’s have only been given stones to toss where NT people have Nerf balls – even if they don’t mean harm, it sure hurts when it lands.
1 Like
@brantly - glad to hear I’m not alone. My brothers used to be “deflating” too (such a great word). As if their job in life was to point out the negatives. It can be hurtful. But I know he really tries to do the right thing.
I have always believed that you saw a person on the spectrum, you saw one! ASD has so many manifestations and it is not good to generalize.
DS20 has a good friend who is an Aspie, he is kind, and quite empathetic, beloved by his classmates. He called DS on the night of his EA result and when he heard he got deferred, offered very nice words of encouragement. When you talk to him, he talks in a rather scripted way, but his warmth and smile win you over quickly.
Lack of empathy definitely is not the defining trait of people on the spectrum.
Additionally, lots of girls are under-diagnosed for Aspergers too.
The largest population of undiagnosed ASD is aging men. Yes, some women also.
Men who are now in their retirement years are often misdiagnosed with dementia and ASD can become worse with age. They no longer have the structure of work and they spend more time with their spouses. The DSM included Aspergers in the early 1980’s. Someone born in, say, 1949 and was high functioning would not have been evaluated.
There are many common behaviors that the spouses experience with an ASD spouse.
The lack of empathy is an extremely common trait. Often the ASD person has learned cognitive empathy and can do very well in responding appropriately. This is not to be confused with innate empathy that is needed in intimate relationships. The lack of a deep connection and living without recognition of who you are is what takes a toll on the NT spouse. The NT spouse often experiences, “Cassandra Phenonomen” which has components of PTSD.
I am sure many here have experienced kind and pathetic autistic individuals. Living and being intimate with an ASD is very different.
I am hoping that some posters here who have an AD spouse might want to share.
1 Like
atomom
I am that Aspie (or HSP?) spouse. Fire away!
Females are different, tho. And each individual and marriage is unique.
I’m sure my (ADD) H would call me “the good spouse.”