at 18 years old...

Parent Cafe
1

<p>…do you just set them free, say, “It’s been real, good luck with that, kid?” </p>

<p>Two recent conversations got me thinking. One with my sister in law. Her daughter just graduated h.s. (18 years old), and is going to the State U in town. 20 minute drive. The kid has her tuition covered (low income family), has to pay living expenses. She has a car. She could live at home with mom and commute 20 minutes. They probably could scrape up room and board for her to live on campus. Instead, she has signed a lease to live with another teen girl an hour away, planning to commute into the busy city to class. She’s a sweet kid, not necessarily the most nose-to-the-grindstone regarding schoolwork, and I’m not sure if she’s within the U’s rules for either on-campus or with family for freshman students. SIL says, “I don’t like this, I think it’s a mistake…but she’s 18.” Don’t know if SIL is going to be helping with living expenses, or if the kid is going to have to come up with the full cost of rent and food and gas…</p>

<p>Then I went to lunch with a good friend. Her daughter (18) just finished her freshman year at college. She decided to go Greek, and her family said that was fine, but she needed to pay her own dues and associated costs. That seems fair enough. But then her mom shared that the girl is working as a hostess at a restaurant requiring very skimpy clothing on the girls. She says, “I don’t like her working there. I don’t want her seen as just a sex object. I feel it is against our family values. But her sorority sisters work there and hey, she’s 18.”</p>

<p>I have an 18 of my own. She went out of state to school and, even though she’s home this summer, I don’t know every thing she does, nor do I want to. But she also talked to us about her summer plans, let us know what major decisions she was making at school, etc. Yes, she’s legally an adult, but neither she nor we feel that our parenting job is DONE. It’s changing, surely, as our relationship is changing. She knows our values, and will make her own decisions, but I also wonder if the 18 = the magic age to make your own mistakes with no net mindset is the best in all cases. We all know young kids mature at different rates. Can’t the same be said for older teens? </p>

<p>What do you think? Does parenting end at 18, or just change? Is the matter different if you are still financially supporting your kids or not? </p>

<p>Hmmmm…</p>

2

<p>[Lessons</a> of love from my dad - The Washington Post](<a href=“http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/lessons-of-love-from-my-dad/2012/06/15/gJQAGXsofV_story.html]Lessons”>http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/lessons-of-love-from-my-dad/2012/06/15/gJQAGXsofV_story.html)</p>

<p>This is a really touching letter about helicopter parenting that I read yesterday.</p>

3

<p>It doesn’t end, but it should change - from loving authority figure who gets the final call on major life decisions to loving advisor and supporter who allows the young adult to make his or her own life decisions - and is there to help them up if they fall.</p>

4

<p>It’s certainly a balancing act, parenting a young adult. Of course, we will always be their parents and love them unconditionally. But we won’t always approve of what they do. It’s not all that different from when they were little, actually, except that you can’t control what you don’t approve of.;)<br>
It takes more listening and less commenting. Some of my most successful conversations end, even when asked for advice, with, “I know you’ll make a decision that is right for you.”<br>
I think the moms in your example, OP, are trying to let their kids make their own mistakes and learn from them. It takes a lot of trust and faith.</p>

<p>“In all cases?” No, not if life threatening, dangerous, illegal… I’m sure there are a few other conditions where stepping up is the right answer for a parent, even at 18. But the examples you gave don’t meet those criteria.
I think each family finds their own balance.</p>

5

<p>Bottom line, you really can’t stop them. My D got a piercing her first year in college. I tried to talk her out of it, but she has money and doesn’t need my permission. I refuse to hold not paying her school expenses over her head like a threat.</p>

<p>I will admit that changing the relationship is super tough. I still talk too much and don’t listen enough. I try to influence when it is time to let her make some mistakes. Maybe it seems like your friends aren’t influencing enough, but where a kid works, for instance, is not a decision we get to make anymore once they reach the age of majority.</p>

6

<p>It’s interesting since all three of my boys turned 18 senior year, one right before, one in the middle and one toward the end. We had slowly given them more and more leash so to speak in terms of curfews and chosing how they spent their time and only had to yank with the first. When they left for college I was ready and so were they. The oldest two have only gone into crisis mode when they had medical issues, one to ER and one to urgent care and the crisis was mostly around “telling me” and asking about how the insurance card actually worked. Note to self: teach 3 about doctors and insurance and how it works.</p>

7

<p>My 18 year old came home this weekend from his summer at school/work. He now wishes he would have listened to some of my advice about selecting a summer job. It is a delicate balance trying to make sure he feels secure making decisions and that his parents new role of advice is just based on experience. </p>

<p>I am so proud of him and how he is handling himself through a difficult situation. I just kept telling him all weekend how much I love him and that we will always be there.</p>

<p>He did decide to come home in a month and truly relax before sophomore year starts.</p>

8

<p>This is a really great question that many families are wrestling with because very, very few 18 year olds, even if they are legally adults, are ready to be out on their own. </p>

<p>My oldest son will be 18 in about 2 months. </p>

<p>I’m not going to say hey kid its been real good luck see you later. He wouldn’t last a week out of his own in the wild. I could care less what the legal adult age is. It makes no difference to me whether he is an adult or not as long as he lives under my roof. I am trying to let him grow but also shelter him. I am trying to get him to think like an adult and be more mature, responsible and dependable. He does 85% of what I ask him to do but the other 15% is important. </p>

<p>My wife parents way different than I do but, lately, she has started to understand my point of view and started to help me instead of hinder me and it has made him listen better. My plan is to support him until he can fly on his own. I don’t have definite time lines on when that will be. Obviously, it will be after college but even then I am not setting a deadline. I say if you love them you don’t kick them out unless they simply refuse to cooperate and respect your rules. If they are respectful, everything cna be worked out. </p>

<p>I don’t really care if he, and his little brother, live with me and my wife for well past 18. It doesn’t bother me at all. I guess I am a bit weird in that respect. I am in no rush to have them gone. I am not counting how much moeny they cost me or planning vacations without them or any of that. I don’t want them to sponge off of me forever but I’ve got more than I need either way.</p>

9

<p>I don’t buy into the idea that 18 is some magic number for maturity, worldly knowledge and judgment and ability to fend for oneself in the modern world. I am trying to strike a balance of letting go, but looking back to where I wish I’d had more guidance at that age. I wish I’d had more help navigating my college choices, class registration etc. My parents had a very hands off approach and I needed more input. I wasn’t ready to take on the beaurucracy of UCB on my own at not quite 18. I was worldy in some areas and incredibly naive in others.
I see now what a struggle it is to track all the deadlines and paperwork. Kudos to those teens who are navigating it on their own by choice or necessity, but I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.</p>

10

<p>My parents have always had a unique relationship with my sister and I. We’re both fiercely independent and we both started working pretty young. My parents and I have always had an extremely open relationship and they’ve placed probably too much trust in me. I had exactly three rules in high school: don’t come home pregnant or with the cops, don’t drink and drive, and call if you won’t be home by midnight. Never managed to break a rule :D</p>

<p>I’ve never given my parents a reason not to trust me or a reason for my parents not to think I’ll thrive on my own. I did strike out at 18 and they know they have no business questioning my choices- nor would they want to. They are always there if I need guidance or whatever, but it’s not really needed because they raised me to be very independent. </p>

<p>It’s hard to explain. I’m firmly in the camp that there’s no magic number. For me, I was independent well before 18. However, I know plenty of people back home who are in their early 20s who still have no desire to leave the nest. Nor do I think they could make it if they did. The whole 18 business is absolute nonsense IMO.</p>

<p>And no, I don’t think after graduation kids should just be kicked out because they’re adults. But I DO think that that’s the age where you can firmly say “these are our rules. Live by them or get your own place in the real world.”</p>

11

<p>In our family, we were careful not to use the “not until you’re 18…” phrase with our S as he was growing up. Instead, we used the phrase “not until you’re a self-supporting adult…” I think it would be terribly wrong of a parent to all of a sudden spring the idea on a soon-to-be-18 yr old that a new set of rules would soon be in effect.</p>

<p>18 means legal freedoms- for parents. They may choose to continue supporting(in various ways) someone at 18, or they may choose to send them on their way with well-wishes. The 18 yr old needs to realize his behavior can affect what a parent chooses to give, and rightfully so.</p>

12

<p>I don’t mind them making decisions for themselves. The thing that really gets me is when they buy or pay for something that they know we would disapprove of with “THEIR OWN MONEY”. Thing is, their money is our money at this point. Even if they earned that money, we have to supplement it’s loss. Other things that I consider luxuries, bother me too. Not that I nit pick every little expenditure but my college age sophomore should not being getting gel manicures when I am working long hard hours to pay her tuition.</p>

13

<p>Parenting never ends, not in 20s, not in 40s. It does not mean to watch the kid’s every move or item fo clothing though. It means that you are there 24/7 for their support. If they call you at 2am and you have to get up at 5:30am to go to work, you do not tell them that, you listen to what they have to say and if they need to talk to you for hours, you still listen. If they get sick, you jump in a car and drive to out-of town and be with them for as long as you need even though you do not have any vacation days left, you talk at your job to let them know that you have no choice, it is your kid, even if she is in her 20s and has tons of frineds around her. It also means that you are ready to devote your time to grandkids if your 40+ years old ask you to do so.<br>
I do not see how it means to dictate what kind of clothing your 18 y o wears. You think she will listen to you? You think you can be in charge of her every move? It simply not possible. And, yes, it means to pay for them, kids cost money, our biggest expance, some cost more, others cost less and at 18, you are not at the pick of that yet.</p>

<p>All of that is strictly my perception, which I have been asked in OP. It does not mean, that this is the case in every family, not at all. And I would not listen to anybody’s advice either, so OP has to decide what has to be done in each case based on family own history/values,…etc. there is no general answer to any of that.</p>

14

<p>Keep in mind that the advice you are receiving comes from parents with diverse views of the world. Some parents figure that paying for 18 years is good enough and send children out the door. They cannot begin to understand why anyone would give money or support to an adult. Other people are content to let children live in their house, fully supported, for decades after reaching 18. They cannot comprehend how other parents would refuse anything for their children. Obviously, there is a full spectrum between these extremes and most CCers are somewhere in this middle ground. However, keep in mind that when someone says “you need to support their decisions”, you lack context for understanding what the poster fully intends by the statement.</p>

15

<p>I just copied and pasted this entire thread into word so that I could print and yes, you guessed it, I am going to bring my 18 and 14 year old sons into my room tonight and make them read what each parent has posted so far so that we cna discuss it. </p>

<p>There are some really insightfull comments on this thread. EPTR’s last post is required reading. God knows I’ve had THAT battle before. You have to admire the logic of “I am Spending My Money” which usually means money acquired from Grandma or from me or the wife. I usually reply with “if you didn’t earn it, it really isn’t yours.” </p>

<p>I am seriously considering framing and hanging on the wall, “my sophomore should not be getting gel manicures when I am working long hard hours to pay her tuition.” Have truer words ever been spoken in any language in any culture? The funny thing is there are plenty of teems laying on the couch right this second while mom or dad, usually both, is working long hard hours to make sure that there is a couch to lay on. </p>

<p>If that doesn’t earn mom and dad 100% respect, I frankly don’t know what does but oddly, it seems, many young people respect much more what their friends say and think more than their parents. Yes, the very same friends that are laying on couches in other houses. I feel strongly that parents should remind young people, as often as necessary, that is something is wrong with that pciture.</p>

16

<p>I like the analogy of the child and parent canoeing down a river. At first the parent is doing all the paddling and steering. Later the child takes over more of the paddling duties. Just as they reach the end of the protected waters and the sound of rapids grows louder, the parent jumps out and shouts “OK kid, it’s all yours!”</p>

<p>My kids still use me as a resource. I consider it a good thing that I can steer them around dangers that are obvious to adults, but perhaps less so for teens.</p>

17

<p>I want to do as much as possible and pay as much as possible for my kids in some slim hope that they will do the same for their own kids. This is besides the point that I love my job and do not work stricktly to support my kids financially, but support my mental health as well. So, I never feel like I am working long hours and they are laying on a couch, if they do, good for them, I am happy unless they are missing out on some exciting actions. Frankly, my kids have really really slim chances of laying on a couch a lot, it is not the way they constructed their lives, and we are still paying whole tons for the youngest keeping herself very very busy. I am very proud of myself that I can do it, very satisfying…
Window of opportunity to tell them how it all works is at about 5 y o. anyway. 18 is a bit too late, they already have certain picture, changing it will require lots of stress, I would not be willing to go thru that.</p>

18

<p>A 14 year old laying on the couch during the summer isn’t much of an issue. But what about an 18 year old? A 25 year old?</p>

<p>The difference is that a 14 isn’t expected to get a job or be an adult. </p>

<p>But an 18 year old is on the verge of being an adult and therefore the expectations change. A 25 year is an adult so if he/she has no better us for his/her time something is wrong. </p>

<p>You can shrug and say, “good for them,” or “my kids won’t do that anyway,” which is great but for many households it is an issue. Lots of 18-25 year olds feel like they can’t get a job. They have given up or they are “trying” which means they spend a minimal amount of time per week actually looking. Waiting for the phone to ring is not “trying,” by the way. </p>

<p>The point is: </p>

<p>Managing the changing roles of both parent and young adult is quite a challenge. Some young people just naturally move into adulthood. Others need a little more help. I don’t think the issue is how much the parent loves the young person, 99.9% of the parents here dearly love their children, no one should question that, I think the issue is how to best help that young person be who he or she wants to be. Sometimes you can push gently other time you got to shove. </p>

<p>For me personally, I want to develop leadership skills in both my sons. I don’t want to hear about how bad the labor market is right now for young adults. That is excuse making. That is a defeated attitude. I want to hear about what jobs you can do and how you are going to get them. Don’t talk about it, do it. My oldest son right now reasons that because his friends don’t have jobs he shouldn’t even bother looking. </p>

<p>Obviously, I’m not real impressed with his current line of thinking. He has spent the day with me registering for college classes for this Fall. The car I bought for himis sitting in the garage and isn’t going to move an inch until he is working. It should be an interesting summer!</p>