I have two kids and there is a point when you realize ‘Hey, they aren’t me.’ My kids both struggled with reading. One took off in first grade, the other never did. Still doesn’t like to read, never reads for pleasure and I really can’t understand it. Neither likes politics or government at all, neither likes to watch sports, neither can tell you anything about baseball. I get frustrated and these are MY kids.
You are helping guide this young person, but she’s not going to have the same goals as you. Doesn’t mean she’s a failure or that you failed in getting her to want to go to college.
Talking about reading, sometime it just gets boring at certain age and it happened to my D. at about 14 after she started HS. I do not see anything wrong with NOT reading for leisure. Some people read and others do not, they have different interests. Stopping reading did not affect my D. in negative way. Well, her Reading / Verbal scores were the lowest in her tests, but they were well compensated by others and her writing was always and remains to be one of her strongest skills. We never adjusted our expectations, it was no reason for it, she continued to excel in everything that she does and currently as an adult.
Big S. or B. is in different situation. They spend a bit of time with kids who belong in a family. Family impact is the most important and family expectations may be very low and impossible to overcome. It takes a very strong kid to go beyond the family expectation. This is just my opinion, I might not be correct here, I do not have a first hand experience.
One thing for sure with kids and grandkids in our family. They were expected to perform in school, period, no exceptions. This was never lowered, but we did not need to “instill” so to speak, it never was mentioned explicitly, it was “in air” so to speak. We never stress “smarts”, we do not think of being “smart”, we rather think of being “hard working” is the way to achieve. I really do not know how you would “instill” higher expectations in somebody with the low expectations coming from the family (which may not be the case, though). Good job trying, it is important that somebody cares, it will make a difference!!
Yes - I am a BIG fan of nurture too. And as someone pointed out - all kids are different.
To answer the thread title question - at what age do parents adjust expectations - the honest answer is every day until the parent reaches age 120.