I am a Big Sister in Big Brothers & Big Sisters. I started full of optimism that any student can achieve anything but I’m realizing that you can sink all the time in the world into some students and the academic & maturity needles do not really move. Is there a certain age where the child either has the goods or doesn’t; they are who they are so to speak?
I do not think so. Every person is different. The time you are giving to these students is invaluable. Even if you think you are not making a difference, you are … just because you don’t see it in a traditional sense does not mean you are not having a positive impact on these kids. Do not give up on them (chances are, you may be one of the few who does not - and that is huge).
people are just like everything else that grows – they need time, shelter, food, care to be their best. you can’t turn someone into something they are not by force of love, time, or attention; a sunflower is a sunflower, not a pine tree, no matter what you may desire or prefer. But, the effort to change a person can definitely have results – you get a maimed, stunted, or bent “sunflower”. Support your little without conditions, however well-intentioned . To be supported in the here and now is a valuable gift that you are generous to give.
Kids are who they are from the day they are born. Parenting is just learning to understand who that person really is and how best you can help them discover their potential. Some kids make it easy. Others seem hellbent on doing things ‘the hard way.’ But when you are reaching across socio-economic, cultural and/or racial lines, be aware that there is often much more going on than meets the eye. Without knowing more about you and your little sister, the kinds of challenges you and she are facing, and her context, it’s hard to give helpful advice. I would simply suggest that you talk to the program managers and get their insights into what works and doesn’t work - you are not the first big sister who has gotten discouraged because, in spite of a great deal of effort, you don’t feel like you are making the kind of impact you want to make. Talk to them about this. Perhaps they can help you see things differently. At very least, they should have outcomes data that demonstrates the impact and effectiveness of their programs on the children and the families with whom they work. If they don’t have this data, then I see a really wonderful senior year project for you in helping them to define what a ‘good’ outcome is and whether they are actually having the impact that they hope to have as a program.
Well, there are studies saying that some pretty accurate predictions can be made about a student’s trajectory as early as age 4. Of course, it’s hardly humane to give up on a kid at such a tender age.
What I learned early in volunteering is that you have to realign your views of success. These aren’t your kids. There are aspects of their life you’ll never be able to alter. It’s true, you may work with a kid for years and they barely get through high school and don’t get much further than assistant manager at the local fast food chain. That may feel like “failure” to someone in your position but that can be great success for that individual who may never have even gotten a high school degree or a means to support themselves without outside support. There have been cases for which I felt I’d done nothing to improve the quality of life for a kid only to have them find me 10 years later and talk about how they take their little ones to the art museum because that is something we did together that they always loved.
It’s never a waste to mentor a kid even if they don’t end up where you want them to be. A little kindness, the opportunity to have experiences they would never have had before… it can help a family line for generations.
My former roommate didn’t get her life together until her early 20s. She went from a high school drop out to a regional manager of a food chain in just a few short years.
Others mature very early.
There is no set age. I mentored a lot of kids when I was in high school and early college through a local basketball program. They are mostly kids who will not finish high school and many will end up in prison. Was I able to “save” them? Not really, no. There is only so much one can do. What I was though was a stable individual in their lives- for many, I was the ONLY stable individual in their lives. That stability made a difference to most of them, even if I didn’t radically change their lives.
You are not going to make your Little turn around their lives. You CAN make it a little easier though. Sometimes, that’s all you can do and that’s OK.
<<< Kids are who they are from the day they are born. >>>
That may be true to a point. Nurture also has an impact.
I have been involved on and off in talking to middle to high school age students about their future plans and helping with information and direction. When I have more time, I’d like to do some real mentoring.
What I have found is that students act very differently when they are talking to me and discussing their hopes and aspirations than when they behave when they are back in their regular lives. It is hard to escape the influence and effect of one’s home environment. But that is not a reason for anyone to give up on these kids. The fact that someone cares can make a difference, even if the results are not immediately apparent.
With the thread title I thought you were going to discuss your own child and were frustrated. Relax about your expectations for this child. So much is out of your control. Live in the moment. Exposing her to things she would never have heard of and discovering another world plays a huge role. Perhaps she will never become the person you want her to be (many of our own children won’t, btw) but your positive influence is having an impact.
I remember volunteering at an elementary school with a gifted kindergartner (the purpose of my time)- we did things and I told her to do things to go beyond the classroom. However- I couldn’t be her parent and get her to the nearby public library, etc. I tried and the school tried but… I wonder what became of her.
Continue being that positive influence. Showing you care and giving her experiences is all you can expect to do. Not every venture turns out as we expect, even when dealing with our own kids. As they say, love the kid on the couch. Or, in your case- go about things to have an immediate positive impact without considering the long term.
btw- with my own kid, now in his mid twenties, I figure that he will probably be the person he is going to be by the time he is thirty. That means if he never does grad school by then he likely won’t (a gifted kid).
A really big milestone is being able to read at grade level by the end of 3rd grade. That is used as the number one predictor of high school graduation and a whole bunch of other important things like career choice.
We knew our D1 was doing fine in grade school as she always had 4.0 in GPA every year, so as ~20% of her class. We did not realize she was actually among the top of her class until late junior year as her school does not rank but the state mandated exam does. We did not push her to take more AP classes in sophomore and junior year since we did not know if she could handle that. It turned out the classes were too easy for her. Anyway, she enjoyed her study at HS and college and that’s the only thing matters.
The one academic-related skill whose absence in my daughters would have bothered me a great deal is the ability to read. They’re both good and enthusiastic readers and were showing signs of becoming so by second or third grade. As for other traits, I hoped they would be compassionate and perceptive and they are. The teenage years had some rough spots, but that’s par for the course. Other than these things, i didn’t have expectations. My main concern has always been that they be safe and relatively healthy, because I love them and the worst thing in the world would be their deaths.
My brother was a late bloomer-- incredibly intelligent, but a horrible, total slacker in HS. He even had numerous documented disciplinary issues. My parents were so frustrated.
After HS graduation, he lived at home & commuted to a local college. He transferred to a university in a different city, and finally developed the maturity to get his act together. He ended up getting a prestigious internship and then landed a job with a very coveted company.
One doesn’t always know one’s influence. When I bump into old friends and when forgotten childhood buddies friend me on Facebook, they often remember how my mother took them to the library. She took everyone to the library. My mother is 87, and although she still drives herself to the library every week, she doesn’t remember bringing everyone in the neighborhood all those decades ago. She certainly didn’t consider it memorable.
I guess she did bring us all, though, and to great effect.
Certainly as noted above, genetics and peoples’ circumstances growing up have a strong impact, and there’s only so much you can do as a Big Sister (or as a parent for that matter). You can make a real positive difference though by exposing your Little Sister to opportunities and ideas she might not otherwise be aware of (like the art museum example someone mentioned, or the idea that she can go to college even if few kids she knows do), and just by being there as someone who cares.
I recall seeing an analysis someone did - can’t recall the author - of the mental maps of their city kids of varying socioeconomic levels had. The kids with fewer resources tended to be aware of their immediate neighborhoods and not much beyond that. The kids with more resources had a much higher awareness of all the city had to offer, including things that are free to anyone (like going to the public library), and over time that makes a difference.
OP, there are lots more “needles” than the academic and maturity ones (and gauging maturity is tough). As a special ed teacher, I don’t think any time spent with a child is wasted. And there’s this:
If you set out to do a good deed, you may do a hundred small kindnesses on the way.
Sarah Doudney
Sometimes the small kindnesses are what matters in the long run.
View it as planting the proverbial mustard seeds. The seeds are very tiny but the ones that germinate grow into large plants
Keep up your hard work.
There is always a chance that the interaction is improving you in some way, either through increasing your patience, or seeing someone living in a much different environment. The act of volunteering to help others also can inspire others to help somehow too, or maybe to seek help (maybe one of her friends now wants to be a little sister and will really benefit).
There are many ways that you may be helping and one important thing to learn in life is that difficult things take a long time to complete and that progress is often measured in very small steps (I think if you make any positive progress in say a week or month, the odds of getting a bigger positive progress are pretty high). If your little sister is friendlier, more trusting, more interested in you and your offerings, you are likely helping. You could also experiment with asking her what she would like you to do for her, maybe the art museum is really not her thing, but she wants to go to the zoo or get ice cream or see a lake or a park or ride a bike …
And, possibly, this is not your best way of helping others, you can choose a different type of charity, a different maybe less underprivileged person to help, a smarter student to tutor, a little sister whose personality clicks more with yours. Someone suggested working with your organization to identify any issues and come up with solutions, they can even help extract you from this if that is what you really want or need.
Congrats for being a Big Sister. Yes, you started full of optimism, but we don’t always “see” the impact we’re having on kids, ours or someone else’s. I agree with those who say it can be the small kindness, the way you handle some little stress, a positive outlook, even your commitment, all sorts of small things that later may have influence. Don’t expect big changes that pop up, that can be crowed about.
Positive change isn’t always about the “now.” Not at all.
Yes, kids can hit their stride at many different ages. Don’t let our CC focus on high performance and various sorts of “good” throw you off in either your expectations or some idea of a timeline. Most kids are carrying the heavy burdens of both growing up and figuring out how to. Being there for them matters. Most of us even when we’re proud, don’t mention what it took to get there.
Best wishes. Caring about others is such a good thing.
Focus should be on integrity, discipline, hard work and character. Having the goods or not having the goods - that is not the right mindset at all.