This question has been rattling around in my brain for quite awhile. The recent wills/POA thread has resurfaced it a bit. Fil died about a year ago. Dh had done his and mil’s tax return for quite some time. This made him reasonably familiar with what fil had. Fil also liked paper (LOTS of paper) so, though it was a mess to weed through, it was mostly easy to determine what he had and where. He also kept a paper ledger book that listed his assets and transactions he had done with them. As he aged, his record-keeping deteriorated but it was reasonably easy to follow his paper trail.
Dh and I are much less paper oriented than he was, however. We have an “if we die” envelope that lists where to find all pertinent information. Wills, accounts, money manager name, etc. We update it about once a year. Other than sharing with your adult children where to find such an envelope, do you at some point let them know the details of your financial resources? Why or why not?
We’ve always been very open with our D. She’s sat with us in HS for bill paying, taxes, and yearly family budgeting. We felt it was part of her financial education.
Our kids are 26 and 29. They know pretty much everything; maybe not all the details, but circumstances and orders of magnitude (i.e., house paid off, expected pensions, ballpark savings and 401K situation).
We shared with them in general terms throughout their childhoods, like we’re putting some money in the bank for savings, we’re paying our bills today so they’re on time, kind of life lesson things, with the idea that examples were better than lectures.
When they were 10 and 13 we sold one home and built another. They were in the thick of all that, including our horror at bank’s willingness to loan us twice the amount we were comfortable owing. That segued to paying for college – being able to take out a HELOC if needed was a factor in our house cost decision – and once in school they had access to all the FAFSA and Profile information.
They’ve pretty much known everything they were interested in. A lot of times it comes up in conversations about how do they invest their savings, or salary comparisons (not competitive, but DH is federal civilian and one of the kids works for a public agency, things like that).
We started making it a point to disclose information when they were undergraduates. Both of them were worried about whether we’d be able to afford tuition. We went into cash flow detail so they could worry about their own lives instead.
We don’t hide anything, but we don’t overindulge either. They knew they needed a lot of FA for college as their teacher dad doesn’t make a lot. They knew we had a prepaid tuition fund that we’d cash out and give them if they didn’t touch it for undergrad (they didn’t and will get the money this year). They knew when we paid off the house. They know I have a 401k for retirement and that our house is our greatest asset and its approximate worth. I don’t think they know how much savings we have.
They have no idea and we are keeping it that way. They know the person who will handle our estate if we die together and that’s it. Possibly later in life we will be more open, but I don’t want them to know what we have so they will think they can coast in life, or want us dead, not that we are fabulously wealthy or anything. Haha.
Like @“Youdon’tsay” , they know we have 401k’s and we’ve paid off our house.
We told our kids that we should not need any money or assets from them and we will leave them what we can when we die. They don’t know specifics other than we spend much less than our annual income every year. They also know we are “comfortable” and able to dine out and travel as we prefer. They know what real estate we own.
Our estate planner gave us extra copies of a CD with all documents (trust, will, etc.) and contact numbers for all financial accounts. DS has a copy, but knowing him, I’m sure he filed it away and doesn’t want to think about it. He does have a general idea of our net worth and that he doesn’t have to be concerned about our financial future.
I was in my early 30s when my parents let us know they had a lot more money than I realized. It didn’t change anything, except I knew when they offered to help with a bridge loan so we could own two houses at the same time for a few weeks, that I didn’t need to feel guilty. I remember having a conversation with our kids about our net worth. They thought we were rich until I told them what our taxes and mortgage came too! We’ve been settling my parents estate for the last few years - I don’t know if we have told them what the exact numbers are. (Well we still don’t know them, but that’s another story and a half!) Both kids are naturally pretty frugal.
I know everything my parents have, and what the plan is for each asset. We do some multi-household tax planning once a year, so I know income numbers, too. My in-laws have basically nothing, and I’m aware of all the nothing they have.
My rising HS senior knows how her college will be paid for (how much from grandparents, how much from parents, our expectations regarding loans and work for her), and enough detail that she’s aware that the grandparent amount is not a burden on them and the parent amount will come from savings and cash flow, not loans. I’m pretty sure she’s been told what her grandparents’ and parents’ net worth is (because we don’t want her to pick a school based on price), but kids don’t remember that kind of thing. I’m pretty sure she’s been told that our family doesn’t do inheritances - most assets will go to charity once an older generation dies.
As private as DH is with our financial status, he is remarkably open with our s’s. We keep meaning to put all the info on a thumb drive for them. It was of particular concern when they said they didn’t know our SSNs. They need to know how to manage things , heaven forbid.
Instead of basing it on their age, I would base it on yours. Most of us, if we live long enough, will have some form of dementia or a neurological condition. At some point, it’s a good idea to have someone else help with your finances.
Before my H passed away I was very worried about his parents. I don’t think they were able to save sufficiently for potential medical or long term care issues. At one point they did send my husband their trust document and location of their safety deposit box. He is listed on the box for access. Their only other child is a dysfunctional basket case that should not be trusted with any financial decisions. My H was the Successor Trustee.
I am not sure that they have changed things since their son passed. I don’t feel it is my business to ask them about it. But I am a little concerned if I have a moral obligation to take care of them in the future?? I don’t know if I should plan on putting away money for that possibility.
This conversation reminded me of this issue because I’m not sure if they had any specific conversation with him.
I’m a single mm with one child. I don’t think he needs to know what I have, just that I never want to be a burden to him. We have discussed my sister, whom I help. He preferred that she be given a % of my inheritance, rather than send her $ when needed.
It’s not an all or nothing thing— sharing the financial picture with your children. All children, IMO, should have some idea of the family financial situation and values in age appropriate ways. It does the children no favor to pretend to be scrimping when you are truly flush, or faking more wealth than you have. Even to spare feelings, and worry, that sort of deception can cause more problems than it solves, IMO.
By the time your child is looking at college, it should be an easy transition to talk about costs and affordability. When the acceptances arrive, it should be well understood what is affordable and why, though every detail doesn’t have to be divulged.
As they mature, given their situation, character, personality, trustworthiness, the information should be shared, especially if the financial baton is going to be handed to them.
There’s not a one size fits all guide to this. Some people do not mature until late, some never develop financial sense, some have issues or problems. What you do is tempered by all of those factors.
When taking about colleges etc we opened the books for the kids to see. They know the retirement money is not for them. We set them up with some accounts of their own so they can start putting something into it. We set them up with small retirement accounts also. Now they just need to contribute into it
They know where the files with passwords to accounts are and all pertinent information needed. They know how much is left in the 529 accounts.
We talk to them about building their own wealth. We are self employed and showed them the monthly bills, what we pay help, rent etc. They were surprised on how much all of that costs. That was the fun part… Lol
