Aunt was just diagnosed with cancer - how can I help/juggle school?

Parent Cafe
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<p>Hi there, </p>

<p>Unfortunately, today I recently found out that my aunt was diagnosed with cancer. It truly was a shock to all of us. We knew something was wrong since she’d been off-color and not feeling well for a while, but we didn’t see THIS coming. We’re still waiting on all of the results, but we know that it’s intestine and appendix cancer, though we have no idea what stage it’s at or if it’s even operable. </p>

<p>She’s being transferred to a better hospital and will be going in for surgery ASAP (hopefully), and amidst all of this, she has 2 school-aged children that we’re all trying to take care of. It’s a mess, but everyone’s pitching in, and this isn’t our first rodeo. (my father fought with/lost to cancer a few years ago, so this is like some kind of eerie repeat, though hopefully my aunt will be able to pull through). </p>

<p>I actually came home tonight even though I have class early tomorrow, and I’m helping my mom prepare dinners/lunches for them for the next few days. My mom’s taking my cousins to school and stuff tomorrow, and I’ll take care of them Thursday (she’s a single mother, and my mom and I live closest to her). My other aunt is with my aunt in the hospital, and I think one of my uncles is taking care of my grandmother, who’s in complete shock and agony. </p>

<p>Anyway, it’s obviously crazy right now, and we think she might be going into surgery on Friday. However, I have classes and a quiz on Friday, so I don’t know what I’m supposed to/can do. I want to be with my family and continue to help out (especially for my little cousins. I know firsthand what it’s like to go through this, so I want to be there to help them get through it), but I don’t know if an aunt sick with cancer is a viable “excuse.” </p>

<p>Do you all have any advice on how I should navigate this? I was thinking about talking to my professors before/after class tomorrow to let them know what’s going on. Would that be appropriate? Should I let them know of a possible surgery on Friday? And also, what do I do if I get behind from all of this? I’m fairly caught up and prepared for things at the moment, but I anticipate the next week to be hell. </p>

<p>Thanks, and I’m sorry if this is a scattered post. I’m just pretty frazzled right now.</p>

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<p>harvestmoon – I am so sorry for your aunt’s diagnosis and the stress you’re going through. When my husband was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer years ago, a friend said “it’s not a death sentence.” I needed to hear that. You probably know that already.</p>

<p>It is admirable of you to consider devoting your time (admirable because my own daughter, a college junior, has no time for anything but school, studying, and partying).</p>

<p>I think there is a website called Caring Bridge (?) where family and friends can coordinate their efforts.</p>

<p>Is this your mom’s sister? I would take the lead from your relative closest to the aunt to define what kind of help she needs. </p>

<p>As I’m sure you know, helping can include: giving blood; sitting with the patient and nearest relative when the doctor swings by and says something in rapid-speak that you then need to interpret; buying post-op stuff like Ensure and Aquaphor and Tylenol with Codeine. There are many specific finite tasks here – you need to figure out which ones fit with your schedule. Hopefully there will be one family member who is the organizer and tells you “your day is Tuesday – be by her side from 3-5” so you can plan ahead with professors.</p>

<p>Last bit of advice – just breathe.</p>

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<p>^^ Good advice. Sending good thoughts and prayers for your aunt and your family. She is lucky to have you.</p>

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<p>You know HM - I had another idea - why don’t you relay what you can do and when you can do it. As in: I’m done with class Mondays at 2:00 so I can visit/ do errands until 6. Or I can do food shopping Sundays between 10 and 12. Or I can research stuff online (treatments, side effects) anytime. I remember so many people said “let me know what I can do to help” and what I needed to hear was “our kids are on the same team. I can drive your son to the Wednesday game.” Specific.</p>

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<p>Thank you for the replies. And yes, I like that idea, Classof2015! I will relay that to my mom and aunts. I already made it clear that I’ll do everything I can to help, but adding some specific time frames and activities might be better yet.</p>

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<p>Another thought. I’m sure your aunt would not want you to hurt your education because of her. Your gift to her can be mainly moral support during the semester, with physical acts only if they don’t take away from doing well in your classes. You don’t want her to feel badly because you blew a quiz/test/paper on her account. Just taking the time to keep track of her and offer your good wishes with phone calls during this busy time of the semester will boost her spirits. Life needs to go on despite major problems for those close to you. You have to set your priorities with your future in mind. Do not feel selfish for doing so. Your mother may be able to have the time to do a lot more than you can now- years later you may be able to spend the time. </p>

<p>Do discuss with your mother a plan for the next few weeks until your winter break. I’m sure she wouldn’t want you to jepordize your semester either. Do not feel guilty if you are busy now. Hope all goes well for your aunt.</p>

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<p>Im sorry that your aunt and family are going thru this. I hope she has a complete recovery.</p>

<p>I’m sure your aunt would not want you to hurt your education because of her</p>

<p>I agree. Are you going to school is a town that is a distance from where all this is going on? It sounds like you are. If so, then your support may be phone calls, sending cards, etc. When you can swing a weekend home to help out, then do that. Thanksgiving weekend is coming up. If you don’t have a lot of homework to do, then maybe you can devote a good bit of time then?</p>

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<p>harvestmoon- sorry for what your aunt is facing. I think she is lucky to have you and others so eager to be supportive. Having been on both the pitching in and receiving support sides during cancer in the family, I would say that what gets everyone through is having each person contribute what works for them. This will likely unfold over months, with different needs at different times. Agree that your aunt would want you to proceed with your studies and will appreciate any efforts done around them. Stating your availability is a great start and you can go from there. It will unfold with many opportunities to help. Staggering support among many is much more sustainable than a few people being “always on” and your aunt will be appreciative of all that works for her and her family. It may take time to see what systems are best for them.<br>
As an aside, one of my family members was diagnosed with very advanced appendiceal cancer 6 years ago, had surgery and has been in remission since. I wish this for your aunt and appreciate your maturity and wish to help.</p>

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<p>You have received some wonderful advice, harvestmoon. I’m so sorry. Cancer is such a scary and sneaky disease. I’m so glad your aunt went to get checked out when she did, and she’s so lucky to have such a supportive family, including you.
What travelnut said about sustaining support is so important, and may help you realize that even though it seems like you need to stop everything in your life and be there for her right now, that really isn’t necessary. The need for support will go on for many months, and possibly years. You will have many chances to be there for her and to support your mom and grandmother. This is a marathon and not a sprint.<br>
As a person with cancer myself, I can testify that I would not want my kids, much less my nieces or nephews, to jeopardize their classwork- which is your job right now- because of my illness. I was first diagnosed in 2007, and I’m still here feeling pretty darn well, fortunately. There will be many opportunities to show her your love and support, but be sure to take care of yourself, too! {{{hugs}}}</p>

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<p>Well, we got some more news today… She has stage 4 cancer, and she is inoperable. She’ll be starting chemo as soon as her body heals from her last operation done prior to their discovery. I don’t know much about cancer or about the medical field, but I know “stage 4” is something you never want to hear. </p>

<p>Thanks again for all of the advice on how to support her and my family. We’re going to need to be supportive now more than ever.</p>

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<p>I’m sorry that the news is what it is, harvestmoon. All the above advice still applies, however. </p>

<p>Do yourself a favor and don’t google the stats on life expectancy, because they will depress you, and they are probably not accurate at this point. Most of the statistics are from old studies, and they don’t take into account the latest medicines and knowledge. While she will always have her cancer, she may also have years left to live- very possibly some good years, too.</p>

<p>Your family will get through this. Take care.</p>

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<p>Honeybunny - my H was diagnosed as having Stage 4 cancer in 1996 at Sloan-Kettering, and he’s still around to annoy me. :)</p>

<p>Inoperable is not good, but I must say I am continually amazed at the things modern medicine can do to provide quality of life even with a dire diagnosis.</p>

<p>Praying for you both</p>