We have one set of friends who we like a lot, but he’s Mr. Grumpy Pants at restaurants. We love to eat at their house, he can come here, but if you eat out everything is too expensive ,too much on his plate, too fatty, the water hasn’t been dechlorinated, we’ve heard it all. Now we just refuse to eat out with them. Not worth it.
Sounds like your husband thinks you should dilute his presence. Seems like a reasonable compromise. BTW, I don’t think you should feel obliged to invite them.
I would have said just leave them out of it because it sounds like the relationship may be somewhat doomed couple-wise (ie the relationship between you and your friend), but your husband came up with a good compromise-he said yes but invite more people to dilute the effect of the annoying guy.
We have an issue with a couple that we like, but we don’t like any of their suggestions for socializing. So we end up saying no to them all the time, and we feel bad about that. Ironically, we’ll suggest stuff and we never hear back, so it all evens out.
There was a group of family friends where people had grown up together (ie my dad grew up with a guy whose wife grew up with another woman, that kind of thing… rather than a group of friends since childhood). The kids (myself included) were all around the same age so we all kind of grew up together.
One DH in the group was just a total and complete donkey. No one liked him. I’m pretty sure even his wife didn’t like him. But invite him they did and everyone just kind of held their tongue and ignored the remarks. His wife is a wonderful woman and I’m glad she wasn’t left out of the celebrations. There were usually 20 or so people at holiday parties so it was easy to just slide away.
Eventually I think he (and his oldest son, my age, who inherited his father’s “eccentricities” and slowly became less and less bearable) figured it out and stopped coming.
If he acts rudely at this party, I don’t see any reason to invite him again
Usually these types of people aren’t technically rude. They don’t normally flat out insult anyone --they are just overbearing or opinionated to the point where they irritate everyone around them. They are light on social skills as most people would pick up on the vibe in the room and change their approach. They are self absorbed so it goes over their heads.
I always wonder whether the spouses ever address this issue with them. Guess not or it would change.
My patient has a spouse with some Asperger’s traits. Some people tolerate it better than others. I know he is terrific to her and the kids. She is a fabulous cook, so she often hosts the dinner parties. People come. Oh yeah, she is a terrific person.
At T-day, he began on politics, although they had all agreed to not touch this subject. No one replied to him, and he stopped. His wife called him into the kitchen, which also helped.
I like your H’s suggestion: invite them for the sake of the poor wife, but invite a few more people to dilute the mix.
So now you have to host 6 or 8 more people to neutralize the effect of the pesty guy? That’s a potential burden on you. Do what’s best for you!
“I always wonder whether the spouses ever address this issue with them. Guess not or it would change.”
Trying to change one’s spouse is dangerous territory. It’s a cliche but it’s true: people only change if they want to.
Agree that dismissing them as a couple ignores the wife. And OP said she’s closer to the wife than to the other invitees, plus the sons are friends.
It’s one thing if the others don’t know this couple, then it’s a different social circle and no excuses needed. But if they do know each other and I felt obliged to include the wife (who’s packaged with her spouse,) I might invite them to dessert.
Yes I generally agree @rosered55… However if I was consistently alienating people at social gatherings I would want a "heads up’ from my H. I think he would want the same from me. Presumably no one wants to purposely irritate people so I would think some effort would be made to alter the behavior.
My sister has the burden of hosting the extended family on Christmas. There are some total nut case cousins in our group. We endure it and I’m convinced it gives my sister fodder for gossipy phone calls to me for months.
Some people cannot respond to any sort of heads up or kindly advice. They can’t. They may be good people, but sometimes don’t even comprehend it, don’t know what to be, other than ‘themselves.’ We realize this with some kids, but it affects adults, too.
There’s a guy I know, so wrapped up in himself that many of us have to gird ourselves up to deal with him, socially. But we try. But he’s not a know it all, just one who thinks his problems surpass everyone else’s.
Not sure why you are feeling uncomfortable about not inviting this couple for Christmas Eve. You’re entitled to invite who you want to a small gathering. I like having small groups, and would not be doubling the number of people in order to include them (and they may not be available).
Make more personal dates with her and have them over when you are having a large gathering.
I can’t quite imagine arriving for dessert and realizing that everyone else had been there for dinner. Seems insulting, to me.
@somemom - Are you sure she won’t show up anyway thinking you forgot to call and invite her?
Consolation, I was thinking the alternative is to exclude her altogether, because of her husband. That’s gotta hurt, too. She’s a friend.
Granted, I have a close friend who entertains a lot, but only has room for 6. We always understood if we weren’t included. Once she apologetically uninvited us, because she miscounted. So be it. If she had said, come for dessert, we wouldn’t have been offended.
I don’t know but around the holidays I just think “the more the merrier.” Every family gathering has someone (or more than one) who provides the entertainment with their usual antics. It’s part of the season – I just tend to live with it and stock plenty of wine as a buffer.
Good news, my sibling reports that the family member in question has made plans, whew! MichiganGeorgia’s comment had occurred to me and we would have rolled with it, had it gone that way.
The reason DH decided more than originally planned was “the more the merrier” attitude, not to dilute the other DH.