My daughter is planning on living in campus apartment next year and the housing deposit is due in a month. She would be sharing with three other girls. One of the girls is currently rooming with one of the girls and apparently the three other girls ( my daughter included ) don’t want to live with her. She is very messy and dirty which seems to be the biggest issue. Her rm has discussed this with her several times to try to get her to clean up her used tissues and other gross habits.
I have given my daughter a few suggestions to resolve this dilemma , but she claims that the current roommate have discussed this, had intervention with the RA, etc.
I can’t think of any way to let this girl know without hurting or alienating her ( she is in the same small major and they would be together still in classes )
Any parents or students out there on CC that have dealt with this ?
There is likely no way to do this and preserve the friendship. The three can simply tell her that unless she is willing to abide by their standards, they don’t think it will work out for them to live together. Perhaps offer her a contract of some kind (they would all sign) saying they all agree to clean up after themselves. Or they can just find a fourth and tell her they are full. But I would urge your daughter to do this ASAP so the fourth girl has the opportunity to find another place to live.
This must be way above and beyond just a “messy” roommate. I don’t think a “contract” is going to work.
I think I’m going to go with the “sometimes it’s kinder to be cruel” theory. Somebody bite the bullet and just be upfront that she isn’t part of the living arrangement.
ASAP for everyone’s sake–so she can find other arrangements and the other three can find someone else.
If she ends up in the apartment she’ll be a constant source of stress and contention and worse yet have three people who want her out. Much better and kinder to say “we don’t think we’d be compatible living together” now than “we wish you weren’t here” later.
And as for preserving friendships–the girl already knows she has a problem–it’s obviously been brought to her attention more than once. She isn’t clueless about this. To keep her out of the living arrangement may actually help preserve the friendships.
If this seems “mean” then the next question is
“Are you ready to put up with this roommate and deal with the stress that she would cause?”
If they are all in the same major, it will be WORSE if they are unhappy roommates too.
My daughter would not consider the ‘freshman interest group’ which was a program where kids from the same major were grouped in the dorm, had a seminar group together, and took at least 2 classes together. Daughter was right and I was wrong. It was just too much togetherness that first year! In her major, they all had 2-4 classes together anyway, and were all quite tired of the same ‘leaders’ (bossy kids), eating together, living together, working together. Daughter happened to be assigned a dance major as a roommate (D was theater) and it worked great.
I would think the girl would know there’s a problem by now. Roommate has already talked to her, intervention with an RA…she knows. And if she hasn’t fixed it by now, she’s not going to. Tell her ASAP so she can find another living situation, be nice about it. We really like you, but we can’t live with you, this is why, you must understand this is a problem. And then keep being friends with her, even if she is initially offended. If they move in with someone like that, they are going to be annoyed and have conflict all the time. Just get it out there, don’t do the typical female thing of pretending like it doesn’t matter, just to be nice, that doesn’t work in a close living situation.
Out of curiosity–how is it that she’s even part of the equation? If her own current roommate doesn’t want to live with her why is this even occurring?
I’ve had a few “undesirables” over the years and believe me when the time is up so is the relationship.
The considerate thing to do is to tell her now rather than dragging it out. That way she’ll have time to find a new roommate. It’s already almost too late with only a month to go - wait much longer and your D (and her 2 friends) becomes the bad guy for leaving the ex-roommate in the lurch at the last minute.
Consider it a life lesson. We’ve all dealt with unwanted guests or that urge to suck it up and suffer vs standing up for yourself. Now’s a good time for your D to get some practice in on how to be firm but polite.
Whether this girl’s messiness is a problem may depend on the layout of the apartment.
In his senior year in college, my son shared an apartment with three other guys. Each guy had his own bedroom. Two of the four were very neat people who found messy environments distressing. The four guys agreed that the common areas of the apartment would be kept neat and clean. But each person’s bedroom was his own business. The two messy guys (one of whom was my son) maintained states of absolute chaos in their own rooms, and the two neat guys never went into those rooms.
If the messy girl will have her own bedroom in the new apartment, maybe she would be a perfectly fine roommate.
"Listen, you’re a lot of fun, but, not to be judgemental, but we just have different standards of cleanliness and living together again would adversely affect our friendship. I hope that you understand. "
I get Marians POV but even in the best of “separated” circumstances you have common rooms.
And that’s the problem.
Main ones being kitchen, living room and bathrooms. You can shut the door to other areas (like all parents do).
There is ALWAYS a difference in “tidiness” that can be overcome by roommates.
Even having her own room will not keep the mess confined. I remember hearing from a mother about her son’s messy apartment mates- the common areas were awful per her son. I wondered about my messy son but his group was just as bad- the guy who liked things cleanest always had the job of cleaning the same thing as the others would never have done it well enough for him. Their apartment was not for visiting (nor have any of my son’s solo places in years since). I had college friends that would not have worked as roommates- same major.
Good idea to be frank/honest ASAP with the messy person. There is NO obligation to include her. In fact, friendships may last if they are not stressed by living together. No one is married or with any legal ties- so far. Do NOT take that lease signing step!
“Been there - done that” twice with with one of my kids and an apartment mate. It just doesn’t get better if there are gross and disgusting unsanitary habits involved. It is one thing not to vacuum, pick up books/clothes, or dust, but I’ve learned through experience that those who throw dirty tissues on the living room floor, stack dishes with rotting food for weeks, etc. seldom care, and the others become bitter if it is up to them to clean all the time. At least in our experience, personal contracts and verbal agreements just don’t work with those who just don’t care. And, in college apartments, bugs and rodents come running with these types of issues (another “been there/done that” situation - “Oh, Mom, don’t touch the sticky stuff on the floor - that’s for the rats.”) The nicest thing to do would be to say, “X we adore you, but we can’t live together. It is going to tear a part our friendship.” It will hurt for all involved, but in 3-6 months no one will really care anymore.
As I suspected , several of our kids have gone through similar circumstances . Lots of good advice here, thank you all
As it turned out, the problem was addressed last night and apparently the girl took the news better than expected.
Roommates can be a difficult thing for students and young adults to deal with, that is for sure
“Roommates can be a difficult thing for students and young adults to deal with, that is for sure”
not just roommates…boyfriends ,siblings. neighbors. co workers. random people in the supermarket, etc…
but humor aside a tense situation among people who live together can spiral down very quickly and is one of the reasons I prefer single rooms in college.
Agree that it can be a tense situation but it’s also opportunity for life lessons. Learning to communicate and be considerate of others goes a long way and we all have to learn it sometime.
We had a quick visit with daughter yesterday. Apparently , the ousted girl really flipped out after the news set in. The poor RA got dragged into it ( a boy in charge of a floor full of girls )
I agree it is a life lesson for all involved , but it really did need to be dealt with while there is still time for her to find alternate arrangements. The apartment will have individual bedrooms and two bathrooms.
Knowing the experiences with my older girls, I am glad this was nipped in the bud.
Hopefully , the girl will take away something out of this other than feeling like it was 3 against one and maybe make an effort to clean up her act
The friendship is far more likely to end if they do room together than if they don’t. Dirt, grime and vermin would be deal-breakers for me. They need to tell the messy student that she will need to find a new living arrangement ASAP. It may also help them to have a “script” to counteract any “I promise to try to be neat” talk from messy girl. She has had the chance to prove who she is.
