Bad MS situation

Parent Cafe
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<p>

Let’s just look at this again…your son was trying to cut school and sneak out in the middle of class. The PE coach berated him, and your son ran out of the school. Definitely, the coach should have called the front office, and they should have called you. That’s for sure. But as to these points: you say that your son should not have been put in that state, and he should not have been wandering around the neighborhood in that state. Given that the coach had already bawled him out, and your son is in this state, what would you have the PE coach do? Should he have grabbed your son and wrestled him to the floor to keep him from leaving? Abandoned his class of 30 14-year-olds and run after your son??? Both options would have been unprofessional and possibly grounds for dismissal for the coach. Your son CHOSE to leave, and your son CHOSE to wander around the neighborhood. The PE coach may be the biggest jerk and meanest S.O.B. in the world (I’m thinking of some of the male P.E. coaches that we grew up with…) and he may have called your kid names or referred to his dyslexia or who knows what… BUT your teenager is res[onsible for his actions, and he did wrong on several counts here. The school should have called you immediately, and yes, you need to find out from your son what the coach said that made him so upset, and, if it’s bad, he should be held accountable, but your man-child needs to know that he can’t just cut and run when he’s upset.</p>

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<p>“been wandering around the neighborhood in that state, and I should have been called right away.”</p>

<p>Here’s a possibility, they may not have know he did this. With mine, he quietly left the office and went to the far side of the building and just sat down away from everybody else. They didn’t know he did this. When he wasn’t home, and no messages (before cells and noway a ms would have one) so we didn’t know anything. I called the school and they didn’t know anything other than he got a demerit for something. I started backtracking in the car and found him. He was sitting there crying to himself. </p>

<p>Junior high school years should just be where kids are frozen and fed information through a tube. It is the hardest social,educational time I know of. College and grad school are easy in comparison. Your body is changing and emotions are flowing, kids are starting to separate into going to make its and going to fails. Drugs,booze and wrong choices start rearing their heads. Kids rebel without a clue as to why… Most of the teachers we dealt with at that age had the 1000 yard stare like nam vets. </p>

<p>Think a bit and just go in and talk a bit. Ask for them to look out for your son. They will. If he’s a good kid, it will come out and they will support him through these years…</p>

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<p>Okay, when you called the school, it as still in session, correct? and you got voice mail and no response?</p>

<p>that is a HUGE concern to me, the lack of communication with school staff in an emergency, which this was</p>

<p>for NO ONE to call you back immediately is unexcusable and dangerous</p>

<p>as I said, if you left messages while school was open, and the staff ignored the message, or was incompetent, or was callous, you will never know for sure, but this needs to be addressed at some point, maybe not now, but if I called my Ds school with information about kids being out of school unspervised and in a bad state and the school basically ignored me, i would be pi%%ed</p>

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<p>cgm, I’m with you on that one. When my DS was in High School I became aware that the teacher was telling him to leave class and allowing him to be unsupervised. He had a car at school but would still call me and ask “what should I do? I’m not sure where to go… can I go home?”
I advised him to stay put. Left work, got immediately in my car, went to the school fairly ticked off. Explained to the administrators that I did not appreciate the situation and that given DS was under 18 and I was liable for him, I presumed during school hours he was in class and that I would be informed of any problems. Jeeze.</p>

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<p>WorriedMom~</p>

<p>I’m sorry that you are involved in this stressful situation right now with your son. I can totally understand your feelings of frustration and worry because there are several related issues involved here, some concerning your son and his conduct and others concerning the actions (and inactions) of the faculty and administration of your son’s school.</p>

<p>I would definitely concur with those who have urged you to take a cooling off period, both to let yourself calm down and also to gather as much relevant information as possible.</p>

<p>You have received some excellent advice here, and I don’t want to be repetitious, but I do want to say that in nearly all of my dealings with schools/administrators/teachers, etc., IF the situation involved any type of serious question or conflict, I found that the school was very much in the business of protecting itself against any liability. Only once have I ever brought a valid concern to an administrator with wonderfully satisfactory results immediately.</p>

<p>So, just be aware that you may be dealing with some people who are on the defensive and adjust your tactics accordingly.</p>

<p>Again, I’m so sorry that you are having to deal with this unsettling event. I hope your son is fine and that he is not left with any residual negative feelings from the ugly interchange with the P.E. teacher.</p>

<p>~berurah</p>

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<p>Years ago, my son and a group of classmates (half the class) were verbally abused and isolated at primary school by a visiting, so-called therapist. It was a well-intentioned group exercise gone horribly awry. Though my son was subjected to the most verbal abuse (because of his outspoken nature) he survived the day with ego intact.</p>

<p>I was upset with myself for neglecting to teach him what to do in that situation. Basically, I wish I had given him permission to run away from the school–run home, run to grammas–run anywhere. Just get out and get away. Afterwards, I went over that lesson again and again. I wanted him to trust his instincts in that kind of extreme situation. He knew the ‘therapist’ was pure evil. He knew the exercise was wrong. the other children were crying and whimpering for their parents.</p>

<p>Interestingly, only one child had the fortitude to try to escape. Even though she was not in the ‘abused’ group, she repeatedly asked the supervising teachers if she could call her mother to come get her. For the record, the teachers were very quesy with the so called therpuetic methods ad allowed her to leave. Later, I learned that this child had been taught to run away from abusive authoritarian power. What made those parents (one physician and one scientist) prepare their child in that way? One set of grandparents were holocaust survivors–and the family made a vow never to bow to abusive authority. Her mother taught her to trust her gut and get out.</p>

<p>I’m not sure what your son’s circumstances were, Worried, but it sounds like he was being abused by a teacher. If that was the case, then he did the right thing by running away. It takes a lot to break a self-concious 14 year old boy. That teacher must have given it his all. Shame on him.</p>

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<p>If the teacher that berated him did not notify anyone that you son took off, maybe he was being defensive because he knew he crossed a line with his comments.</p>

<p>Maybe if we knew what was said. Not only is this board anonymous, you are using a pseudonym for your pseudonym. Your safe here.</p>

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<p>Obviously all schools have a different architecture. In ours, it’s difficult, perhaps impossible, to leave without being seen by the staff person at the front desk.<br>
I did not expect the PE teacher to stop the OP’s son from leaving, but, if the school was like ours, I would have expected the front desk staff to query his leaving, and in tears, too.</p>

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<p>The principal called this morning. Just as the teacher was entering the office to say that my S had run off, a high-level administrator down the hall had severe chest pains and an ambulance was called (the man is fine).<br>
There was some chaos for a while, and this explains why phones were not answered and no one reacted to my S’s situation right away. I was baffled yesterday, because all of this seemed so uncharacteristic. Now I understand.</p>

<p>The principal will talk to the teacher and my S today to find out what exactly was said, and will call me back.</p>

<p>cheers, what an awful experience with the “therapist” - like you, I’ve never anticipated a situation like that. How interesting that the child with ancestors who were victims of the holocaust was the only one who had been prepared for this. I guess the rest of us don’t expect that it will ever happen to our kids - the survivors know differently.</p>

<p>marite, schools do have different architectures. Our school is on one level, sprawling, with many entrances, no one watching any of them. They are all locked now during the school day, of course, to prevent strangers from getting in. There is not usually a problem with students leaving.</p>

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<p>Worriedmom:</p>

<p>I’m feeling much better about the school, now that there is a very good reason for the principal not to have called you right away. It sounds like the principal is on top of things and all sides will get a hearing.</p>

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<p>No surprise that I discovered the ‘therapist’ was a fraud and had no credentials other than ‘reputation’. In that case, the entire school, from the Board president down to the head and the teachers, apologized profusely to all of the children and their parents. The majority of the teachers were completely undone by their own passive behavior.</p>

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<p>Worried: Here’s a NJ scenario that made me think of you & your son. A boy was paralyzed hours after leaving school on an early dismissal day & the NJ Supreme Court found the schoold district to be responsible.</p>

<p><a href=“http://www.nj.com/news/ledger/index.ssf?/base/news-11/11818828983960.xml&coll=1&thispage=1[/url]”>http://www.nj.com/news/ledger/index.ssf?/base/news-11/11818828983960.xml&coll=1&thispage=1&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>As tragic as that NJ case is, I think it’s crazy that the school district was found to be liable for an accident that happened hours after school ended. I also don’t find it reasonable to blame the school because the parents aren’t aware of an early dismissal day. Unless this is done differently in NJ than anywhere else, these days are scheduled far in advance and the parents should have known. This seems to be a typical case of when there’s a tragedy, sue everyone in sight. It’s sad.</p>

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<p>Actually, I’m surprised that the school let the kid leave on his own. At our k-8 school, any time my S was going to go home with a friend, I had to write a letter explaining to the teacher that he had my permission to go home with friends’ parents. Teachers waited until the bus picked up the younger kids.</p>

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<p>I happen to agree with what AlwaysAMom wrote above. </p>

<p>I don’t have the details of that case other than what I read. I don’t think a school should be responsible for a child many hours after school ends. And certainly the parents should know of early dismissals. </p>

<p>The only thing I can think of that the school should be liable for…BUT…big BUT…I honestly don’t know the situation in THAT case in the article…but HERE where I live…at the elementary school (grades K-6)…at dismissal, a student can walk home (this is a small number of the total students who attend, however…if they live in the small village), take the bus to their home, or be picked up by a parent or other designated driver. HOWEVER, the arrangements must be made in ADVANCE. If a student is going to do the same thing every day or on a regular basis, there is one long standing permission note. But if student is doing someting different…say, going over a friend’s house…by bus, car, or walking, they need a special permission note. Basically, how each child is leaving for the day is known at school. Kids cannot just decide to walk out of the building and go wherever they want. So, for instance, at our school, if a child is normally picked up by someone and there is no note for a different arrangement, they couldn’t just do something else. The parents would be called and asked what they wish the child to do. </p>

<p>However, say a child’s normal arrangement at dismissal (with written permission) is to walk home, and they do so; I don’t think the school can be responsible for their safety many blocks from school, as the parents gave permission for them to walk home. But a child who has a standing permission slip to be picked up by someone and that person doesn’t show up, the child would not be released to just walk where they felt like it. </p>

<p>I realize this likely is not the set up elsewhere, but our school is rural and very community-ish. In the AM, there are countless parental notes about afterschool arrangements that get handed in. Unlike when I grew up where we walked to school and didn’t have to make social arrangements in advance as to who we would play with after school…that is not the case at my children’s elementary school. Here, if you want to go over someone’s house after school, you better decide the night before and have a permission slip to ride home with them by car or bus, or for the few who live in walking distance, to walk. Each child’s pick up arrangement is known by the school, including daily exceptions/rearrangements. Kids don’t just leave when the bell rings and go wherever they wish.</p>

<p>PS…I cross posted with Marite and our school is just like hers. Also, the designated teachers and principal wait in front of the building at dismissal until each child has left according to the prearrangements. If after a certain amount of time, nobody has come to pick a child up (or they are not on the bus or going by foot), they are brought into the building and parents called.</p>

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<p>All the schools in out town are within walking distance, so we have no busing. (Except for special ed kids.) It’s a wild free-for-all at dismissal. I imagine every town will be scrambling to react to this decision. More staff hired to monitor dismissal (or increased teacher pay to cover this new responsibility) + staggered dismissal times will = higher taxes and less flexibility on the part of parents. The schools were built 70, 80, 90 years ago with no parking lots or “drop-off” lanes. It will really delay getting your kids home or off to the next commitment.</p>

<p>My 10 year old walks to and from school with friends. His only street to cross has a guard. The boy who was paralyzed was hit hours after school ended when no guards were around. I’m not familiar with their town, so I don’t know if it’s the type of place where kids should never be wandering on their own, or if it’s more like the Mayberry RFD character we have here. Plus, we have sidewalks. Also, I don’t know if the driver was charged. We know he was sued (of course!) but no mention of legal liability.</p>

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<p>"Mayberry RFD character "</p>

<p>Awww… I’m touched that I mean so much to you. ;)</p>