Bad MS situation

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I’m a regular poster who has registered for a new account in order to ask for advice about a problem without compromising my child’s anonymity.</p>

<p>A few hours ago, I got a call from a good friend and neighbor who said that my 14-year-old S was on a busy corner between school and home, running and sobbing hysterically. She said that she had asked him to come in her car but he ignored her. She said that she was following him, and I ran to my car. By the time I got there, she was in front of our house with my S in the car. He came in, but was too upset to even talk for a while. </p>

<p>Apparently several boys were bored in gym class and decided to escape. They did so, and my S decided to try the same thing (obviously he was wrong to do this). The teacher caught him before he got to the exit, and berating him, saying some awful things, related to some vulnerabilities of my son that he should not have known about. (This is all according to my S, who has always been truthful, and always admits it when he does something wrong.) My S was so upset that he started crying and ran toward home, and my neighbor intercepted him along the way. Nothing like this has happened before; my S is not easily upset. He is a normal kid who is generally very well-mannered, who has a group of friends, but who does occasionally do things like trying to slip out of the cafeteria without a pass.</p>

<p>Soon after he got home, I called the principal’s office and left a message on the secretary’s voicemail saying that my S was home and would be out of school the rest of the day. I have not gotten any calls at all from the school, and it has been over 3 hours. An hour ago I left a message with the principal’s secretary (in person) asking that he call me back.</p>

<p>I’ve looked at the online phone records to reconstruct the timing. First, it would have taken my S at least 10 minutes to get to where my neighbor saw him. It was another 15 minutes before I left the voicemail at the school. Who knows when the voicemail was picked up. This brings us to about half an hour after my S runs away from school in great distress, they don’t know where he is, and no one has called to tell me. Now they haven’t returned my call.</p>

<p>This is a good suburban school district. I am on very good terms with everyone there. My S is not a problem kid. </p>

<p>I am furious that my S was put into the state he was in, and that he was allowed to just leave school, and that I was not called immediately. My neighbor is a high-level administrator in a neighboring district, and also the mother of one of my S’s best friends, and she is appalled. She is urging me to write a strong letter, and she is willing to back me up.</p>

<p>What do you suggest that I do? I’m not thinking clearly at the moment.</p>

2

<p>Try to calm down before you make another call. I am not sure I understand all of your post, but the school knew he was safe when you called. It is possible they did not know he was missing until you called.
If it were me I would put my son’s story on paper, the info I want from school on paper, and present myself in the office tomorrow morning.
If I misunderstood your post, I apologize. Good Luck.</p>

<p>Edited to add, my “on paper” comments would be for me to make sure i did not forget anything, not for anyone else to see.</p>

3

<p>First of all, I am sorry to hear about such an upsetting incident. My first thought, no matter what your neighbor says, is: Don’t put anything in writing to the district, either hard copy or email, at this time. Dont leave any voice mails that are other than neutral and informative. Wait until you have all the facts and are thinking clearly. Something went wrong at school but school districts being what they are they will almost always find a way for something you say to come back and bite you. If you do not hear from the principal this evening you shoudl of course call again tomorrow or perhaps even go to school and make an appointment in person. Of course it is important to protect and be an advocate for your children, but without knowing all the facts and ramifications, a “strong letter” at this point does not strike me as something in your son’s best interests. There is tiem for that when all else has failed to turn up an appropriate explanation and remedy.</p>

4

<p>Definitely follow up on this- use your neighbor as a sounding board as you plan what to say to the school and the school district- I would want the gym teacher’s version of events in front of a school administrator (principal/assistant principal) and I would make sure the district superintendant was aware (in writing) of events. Do so this week and persue things soon as I suspect the school year ends soon. Good luck.</p>

<p>PS- even if nothing actually is done be sure you have your written compaints sent to both the school and district office. One upset parent is minor, but if many parents have reasons to complain a pattern forms that may change something needing change. Crossposted with above two, but no changes in my advice.</p>

5

<p>Thank you for all the good advice. You’re right that I do not know their side of the situation. I’m beside myself at the though of my S wandering the streets in distress. What if he had been hit by a car? What if I hadn’t been home? I can still hardly believe this happened.</p>

<p>I have not said anything at all to anyone at the school, or left any voicemails, that went beyond a statement that my S was at home and a request for a call from the principal. I do need to collect all the facts before I decide what to do. I don’t even know what to ask for, because what I want is for this not to have happened.</p>

6

<p>I’d follow up on this, but I would put this in writing. You can control the tone of what your write much better than when you talk and react to what someone else is saying. You can also take your time composing your thoughts.</p>

<p>There are three separate issues here:

  1. one concerns confidential information that the teacher should not have known about and used.
  2. the second concerns safety. why was your child allowed to leave school, especially as he appeared distraught?
  3. the third concerns notification. Why were you not contacted either about your child’s infraction or his being missing from school?</p>

<p>You want to raise these three issues in as calm and non-confrontational a manner. You also want to acknowledge that your kid did commit an infraction and that you do not excuse or condone his behavior. You just want to raise these three areas of concern.</p>

<p>The principal may still be assembling information in order to get back to you, so don’t jump to conclusions as yet. </p>

<p>Hope this helps.</p>

7

<p>Do you think there might be more to the story? You know what the gym teacher said to your son. Do you think that whatever he said is enough to drive your son to the point of hysteria? I’m wondering if something else happened, more than what your son is telling you, especially if he is not easily upset. Maybe with the gym teacher…maybe with one of the boys who left the building…maybe with kids who were still inside the school?</p>

8

<p>I might add that years ago a neighbor found out about a bullying problem with her middle schooler, talked to the school and things were set in motion to thwart the bullying the next morning, discreetly handled. Your situation is different, but I would expect some answers as to what happens for child and any future incidents; by also contacting the district the school can’t ignore the issue. For one issue I even sent a copy of my letter to the head of the school board - if you don’t feel the principal or superintendant handles the issues to your satisfaction go to the top, let their bosses know.</p>

9

<p>

</p>

<p>This is what I would be most concerned about right now. I can tell you that something similar happened to me as a child (not berated, but a teacher and a parent saying things that they should not have said). Those things have stayed with me for a lifetime, although they have not changed anything about how I lead my life.</p>

<p>Also, is your son worried about being suspended?</p>

<p>I would focus on your son, and deal with the school when all of the facts are in.</p>

10

<p>Marite did a good job summarizing. </p>

<p>I do think that you should put your thoughts and concerns in writing, leave it, and then read it over again. Get your husband, if you have one, and/or your neighbor to read it through first. </p>

<p>Get the whole story from your son’s point of view once he has calmed down.</p>

<p>If it moves in this direction, do not hesitate to request a private meeting with the principle about the entire situation (all of Marite’s three points) and also a meeting with the principle, the gym teacher, your son, and a mediator if the principle is not acting in that capacity (such as a counselor or faculty member) about what happened specifically in gym class.</p>

11

<p>worriedmom. One thing I learned about middle school boys is that they do not even begin to tell you the whole story. Often times they are too embarrassed to admit the problems they address daily. Listen very, very carefully. No need to jump too fast here. Give your son some time to gather himself. See if he balks at going back to school or gym class. Your biggest concern is his emotional well being. The schools response can be addressed later. Take a deep breath…</p>

12

<p>Sax, I think that you are so on target.</p>

13

<p>BUt I’m still puzzled about the school. When my S got suspended (a couple of times) in middle school, the principal called me right away to let me know. Both times it was for something fairly trivial, and the principal and I had a good chuckle over it. One time my S left the school to buy candies. Unfortunately, his teacher was in the same store buying lunch.</p>

14

<p>NorthEastmom: Yes, we are on the same page. Been there, done that with my son. </p>

<p>It’s amazing what stays with you. I’m sorry for what stayed with you. I once read that we remember childhood events based on the effect they had on our self esteem at the time. </p>

<p>I am very biased. Schools are out to protect the people that work there. Don’t expect that they will have your sons best interest in mind when they talk with you. Covering themselves is their first priority. Sorry to be so blunt.</p>

15

<p>I’m not seeing any need to address this urgently. I think it is better to allow some time:
-to calm down yourself and, as you say, see things clearly
-see if more information comes from your son either sui generis or after prompting from you
-see what your son’s perspective is on how to handle this. Not that you necessarily will follow his preferences (he is the kid and you are the parent, after all); but taking the time to see just what went wrong, where he would or wouldn’t want you to intervene, what it might “cost” him for you to intervene vs. not intervene. A 14-year old is a man-child, as I see it. Handling this the way you might for a younger child could be off base in a couple of ways.</p>

<p>Maybe it is a good thing that the weekend is coming up, giving you more time to sort things through. Might make it harder on you, if you have to/decide to wait. But, with - as I see it - no real urgency, I think taking the time is the wiser course.</p>

16

<p>You mention that the gym teacher made reference to things he “shouldn’t have known.” In the vast majority of schools EVERYTHING that is in your child’s folder will be accessible to all teachers. Do not assume anything is confidential to just one person–especially if that person is required to make an entry in the permananent record.</p>

<p>What goes in the record varies. At one point, I pulled my children’s files, and was surprised to discover that every note from home–every single one–was in there. As were all the prescription drug forms from 1st grade, etc. </p>

<p>You need to make an appt with the principal to discuss this in person. Not over the phone, not by letter, in person. I agree with those who say there are three major issues: why was info used against your son? why was your son allowed to leave campus? why weren’t you called immediately when son left campus? </p>

<p>Don’t take your son to the meeting. I would suggest, for best results, that you take an extremely smarmy tone. “I’m sure you agree this shouldn’t have happened… what can we do now to soothe the situation, you know how unreasonable kids can be?” If you go with oily and smarmy, they’ll be agreeing with you in no time, and then you can ask them to sign the notes you’ve taken… Think: manipulate, don’t argue.</p>

17

<p>“The teacher caught him before he got to the exit, and berating him, saying some awful things, related to some vulnerabilities of my son that he should not have known about.”</p>

<p>A lucky guess? Random? this is a bit confusing. He got caught trying to skip out on class and got chewed out. Please don’t lose sight of the fact he was trying to cut class in this whole thing. He got chewed on, if you go overboard on the chewing, you endorsing the cutting. That is a conversation you have with the teacher and administrator…away from your child. </p>

<p>Before I get jumped on… we had a similar experience… my question to you is do you want to get some where at school or just complain to somebody? I often mess up on this site as many people are just looking for empathy rather than solutions. If that’s the case, then skip past this suggestion. </p>

<p>Mine got in trouble for something along similar lines in ms, but instead of running home, he sat on a curb for 4 hours before we found him. Nobody knew where he was. He just sat at school unseen for that time. … here’s how we dealt with administration. </p>

<p>Separately, we spoke with our s about getting in trouble, that was not OK and while his getting chewed on wasn’t good, he could have avoided it by simply not getting in trouble. That was his conversation. He needed to understand that he did something to get into this situation. If he’s upset by it, remember that the next time BEFORE he does something. </p>

<p>Now with the assistant principal, we sat down and had a conversation about sensitivity with students. As we talked I learned the two assistant prinicpals handled about 60 kids a day each (800 enrolled) most of them repeaters. It becomes a rut for them with so many of the same type of kid in trouble for so many things. </p>

<p>Well, my kid isn’t that type and I would like you to call me the minute something happens again he’s done wrong and I’ll deal with it on top of things. We also talked about doghouse penthouse development. If you never let a kid know that he can get out of the doghouse by doing the right things, they too fall into a rut. I asked that if they could look out for my kid and let him know they are there for them, I’d appreicate it. </p>

<p>Now this was done in a conversational not confrontational way. I learned what assistant principals go through at an average middle school. It ain’t pretty. I just had to remind them that since they see alot of the same kids, when they get a new kid, maybe handle them a bit differently. Oh, their still in trouble, but one timers vs. daily are a bit different.</p>

<p>As far as the PE teacher I would speak to him and ask what can my s do to get out of your doghouse? Yea, he was probably too harsh, but jumping all over him ISN"T going to change his behavor either. You might feel alot better, but life won’t be better for your S. Let the teacher know you said something about the cutting class to your s and how that triggered everything in the first place. Then just ask that the teacher help your s do well.</p>

<p>It was an unfortunate situation, now you need to think of how to create a team for your child rather than an us vs. them situation. It does work. It creates far less interesting stories and some posters will say all sorts of stuff, but if you think about it… wouldn’t you rather work together with these people for your son’s benefit, rather than attempt a nuclear war? </p>

<p>Besides, so many try to smash teachers and administrators in situations like this that they are completely defenseless when you reccognize that somehting triggered the situation and accept that has a consequence.</p>

18

<p>I think it’s usually best to take some calm breaths first then, after your S has calmed down, outline exactly what happened as he sees it putting it on paper. After this, contact the school as neutrally as possible to try to obtain data and get their POV putting that on paper also. There’s a good chance there’s more to it than your son is recalling or portraying and that there’s at least another perspective to this. Remember that you’re likely to get more information if you’re calm and open minded with them. After you have both sides you can determine where the real issues are and pursue them. There’s a good chance there were some issues on both sides.</p>

<p>If the Principal doesn’t return your call in a reasonable time try to talk to an assistant P. It’s always possible the P is unavailable due to commitments.</p>

19

<p>jmmom, Good advice about calming down, taking time to see things clearly, etc.</p>

<p>Sax, yes we are on the same page on this one. I got over my own experiences, but I know that these things can really stay with a child. I would hope that worriedmom, focuses on her son’s feelings first, and the issues regarding the school can just wait for a few days.</p>

20

<p>This is all very helpful. Thank you, everyone who posted.</p>

<p>Marite, you’ve clarified things for me beautifully. </p>

<p>jmmom, you’re right that there is no hurry to do anything, and it’s better to wait until I know more, and can think more clearly (I already can after having read all these posts).</p>

<p>Opie, you are absolutely right that my S put himself into the bad situation by misbehaving. I have never defended him when he’s gotten into trouble at school, and I don’t defend him now. I just think that my S should not have been put into the state he was in, and should not have been wandering around the neighborhood in that state, and I should have been called right away.</p>

<p>I don’t know what I want from the school, probably nothing more than an explanation. I absolutely agree that my S’s feelings come first. I have not had a chance to talk with him at length about this, or about how he wants it to be handled. A friend of his came over after school and stayed through dinner. He was still here when I had to leave to take my younger child somewhere.</p>