I am a sophomore who just finished my first year at a predominantly white institution after attending a historically black university. Ever since my freshman year my mother’s boyfriend has planned to convince my mother that I should not be dependent upon her, even though I’m an on campus college student who asks for ANYTHING. As soon as the summer came I began applying to every place in my area, while at home i continued to be treated like a live in maid, even washing her boyfriend’s underwear. As soon as summer came i began to apply all around my area even though my mother didn’t really want me to get a job, because I began to feel like the unwanted step child, like I was mooching off of her, even though she assured me that this is what patients are supposed to do, i continued looking for a job. On top of feeling like a burden and a maid anything that I said to her she would catch a temper with me. I finally got an interview, then the next day my mother assigned a petty task for me to do then went on to tell me that I never do anything and I blew up and left. She just quit her job last week and seemed to have plans for the car she “gave to me.” I sensed that she was trying to provoke me for this to happen because this same thing happened to my cousin who she took in after her mother died. At this point I don’t know what to do. I know that of I transfer back to the hbcu I can get help and I will easily get my GPA back up. Also it’s the beginning of the summer and I don’t want to go begging to come back home because it’s only going to get worse.
First of all realize ITS THEM, NOT YOU. Either your mother, her boyfriend or both have some kind of personality disorder…she probably is trying to control you and if you get a job you wil be more financially independent and not around…so she sabotaged your job. Look up the term “narcissists and scapegoat” and you will see you are being put into that role. They both want and don’t want you to be dependent on them. Or maybe the BF doesn’t want you dependent financially (takes money away from him) but your mother does (so she can keep power over you)
This may or may not have to do with which college you are at…or more just how your mother is trying to control you. Maybe she thinks it is too “uppity” for you be at a white institution. She doesn’t want you to succeed in a way she can’t.
What to do?
Like I said, realize it is them. You just need to figure out how to deal with them so you can get through college.
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Set boundaries. It is reasonable for you to help out around the house. It is reasonable for you not do her BF’s laundry.
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As a child of your parent, you feel that they have a great deal of control over you. But think about how much they really have. What if you don’t do his laundry? What will happen, really? If you do not feel physically threatened, then just state that you will mop/cook dinner but will not be washing people’s underwear. If they yell, then just say “You seem upset, we can talk later. I need to go to the store, be back later.” If you feel physically threatened, then contact a women’s shelter or see if you can move in with a relative.
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Reduce drama (from your side)…Use the Medium Chill technique
Medium Chill
Medium Chill - A technique used to disengage oneself from another person’s drama when direct contact is unavoidable.
Medium Chill is disengaging emotionally and giving neutral responses to what someone does or says. The focus is on you, your feelings and needs, not the other person or their feelings and needs.
Someone using Medium Chill is assertive without being confrontational. They will give no appearance of withdrawal, and they will maintain a pleasant and calm tone of voice and demeanor.
There are two key components to Medium Chill:
A. Don’t share any personal information.
Don’t volunteer details about your life or your feelings. Everything in your world is perfectly OK, normal and uneventful. Tell them nothing, ask them nothing. Conversation is nothing more than pleasantries about weather, traffic, news etc. Engage in the type of conversation you might have with a total stranger while waiting for the bus.
When communicating a decision you have made (should you deem it necessary to share in the first place) do not share your thought process on how you arrived at your decision. It is none of anyone’s concern.
B… Don’t get involved in another person’s chaos or drama.
When asked to help or get involved, be unavailable without offering the reason why you are unavailable. Sharing the details only motivates others to help you clear your obstacle to being there to help them. You are simply busy, you know, same old stuff.
When others try to draw you into their drama and chaos you are a bored and dull listener. You are there, just not present or terribly involved. Never show anger or compassionate involvement; paying attention but not too much attention. Don’t offer any advice or opinions of your own. Don’t try to solve their problems. You are simply not involved.
If someone is angry and manages to get you angry they have successfully projected and transferred their anger to you. Take your leave as soon as possible in cases of anger or rage. Simply and calmly leave or end the phone call.
When others lash out, show no anger. When others are nice, don’t reciprocate. Be distant and flat in both cases. When others can’t easily manipulate a reaction, they tend to leave you alone.
So if she starts complaining about not having a job, you just say “Wow, that’s tough. What are you going to do?”
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Try to get a job…maybe you need to bicycle to it. Maybe you have to walk or use mass transit or babysit locally or mow lawns or whatever.
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Plot for the future…if you are not graduating next year, then look for on campus internships whatever so you don’t have to live at home. Fall of senior year go to your Career Center and ask for timelines for interviewing…use all the resources like resume prep and mock interviews.
Your post isn’t clear, can you help us understand a bit:
- are you commuting to your pwi? Or were you commuting to your hbcu?
- is your mother paying for your college?
- not sure what the job issue is - your mother didn’t want you to have one and when you got one she took your car?
- are you currently out or are you worried this may happen?
- do you have trusted friends who can house you over the holidays during the year? What about during the summer?
No matter what, stop washing a man’s (mother’s boyfriend or uncle or what) underwear. Stop washing his clothes, period. If he can operate a TV he can operate a washing machine.
Does your mother make you hand scrub the BF’s underwear separately? Or just throw it in the wash w everyone else’s laundry?
If you’re at home for the summer and have no job while all the other adults are working, it doesn’t seem unreasonable to be asked to pitch in with household chores.
Is it your car? Is it registered in your mame? Do you pay for the insurance, maintenance, & fuel? Since your mother quit her job and has no income presently, it’s reasonable for her to assess what expenses can be cut and what assets can be liquidated.
Where are you living now? Who is supporting your living expenses?
GMTplus7: You seem to be asking these questions as if the mother is “typical” and is just asking for help around the house. It seems to me that the mother is not typical and may have a personality disorder and is taking these "requests’ to an unreasonable degree.
No sane mother would ask her daughter to wash her boyfriend’s underwear.
Would you want your daughter to wash your underwear?
This is a whole new level of creepy and unhealthy.