<p>Here is my transfer (common app) essay. It’s a rough draft and I’ve only looked over it once or twice since I first wrote it. I haven’t taken an English class in awhile and I feel like my ability to write a good essay has gone <em>poof</em>. So if you could, please edit my essay, and like I said in the threat subject, BE HARSH! Feel free to completely tear my essay apart, but if you do, then PLEASE provide suggestions on how I can improve it, or else it’s not very helpful!</p>
<p>Thanks so much!!</p>
<p>Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.</p>
<pre><code>I started out my education in a small private school called Duluth Montessori School. In a small and intimate environment, I received a lot of individual attention from my teachers. When I wasnt having lessons, I was free to choose my own work. I worked with materials- real, physical objects- so learning was literally hands-on. Maria Montessoris method is wonderful because it teaches a love of learning. My school was so small that I knew everyone in my class, and when I was in middle school I knew many of the kindergarten children as well because I helped teach in their classroom. I went there for ten years, and made the transition to public school in 8th grade. It might be surprising that this transition went so well for me, but in fact, Montessori had prepared me so well that I found it relatively easy. From eighth grade to graduation, I attended public school in an area where nearly everyone around me placed great importance on learning.
When applying to colleges senior year, I knew I would rather a small college. However, I made the mistake of applying to too many expensive, private colleges not too generous with financial aid, and thus I went to the University of Georgia. Trying to look on the bright side, I reminded myself that it was the best public school in Georgia, I would learn to love it, and surely among the 36,000 students would be students like me who werent looking for a party every night of the week.
After a semester at UGA, I am disappointed by how many students are unconcerned with doing well. It is extremely hard to meet people here, because everyones main social focus is on parties, and it is difficult to develop friendships with the people in my classes because the class sizes can be up to 300 people. With things like having to take a crowded bus to get to class on time, I dont enjoy the hectic rush of the city-like environment.
I understand that partying is going to be present in every college, so Im just looking for it to be not as huge and dominating. Surrounded by people who are studious and motivated would be beneficial to me both intellectually and emotionally, since I wouldnt feel so isolated. I feel more comfortable branching out in smaller environments, where I know my classmates and can wave at people I know as I walk to class. At a smaller school, I see myself meeting other driven people and becoming more involved and immersed in a college life that better fits my personality. Lastly, Ive always loved nature, and a beautiful small campus is more calming and homey to me than a stressful city environment.
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<p>Stressed, the most important thing you need to do in the essay is to tell the committee about yourself and what you will bring to campus. You want to leave them liking you and feeling that you have something of significance to bring to their campus. I don’t think you do that here.</p>
<p>We could help more if we knew what school you want to transfer to, what major, and more about your interests and activities.</p>
<p>SO, what can you contribute to the school?
Is the social atmosphere the only reason you would like to transfer?
Your essay is very boring and weak because it lacks compelling reason and passion. You should start over, and take your time before you start writing–like a regular English essay, you need to have a strong central theme, which boldly answers the question.
And, some grammar errors.</p>
<p>I feel you’re criticizing U of Georgia and large campuses to much. Simply state you prefer smaller campuses, and feel its the best environment for you and your undergraduate studies. Explain why from there on(which you’ve done), and avoid why nots.</p>
<p>You kinda set up too much background (waste of words that could be used for other things) and don’t talk about your financial situation unless you’re in poverty and work to support a family. Paying for college could be a problem for most students so don’t even go there. And bashing your current school is always bad.</p>
<p>You didn’t even address what your objectives (outside of transferring) are.</p>
<p>I agree with liek, your essay comes across as trashing UGA. FWIW, I feel the same about my present school (I’m at a Southern university). In my transfer essays I focused on how my target transfer schools are a better “fit” for me academically and for research purposes (biochem major). </p>
<p>I suggest you avoid direct criticism of UGA (sounds negative) and concentrate on the positives of your potential transfer schools and why these schools are a better fit for you.</p>
<p>Hearing this constructive criticism makes me really glad I didn’t just submit this! :)</p>
<p>Ok, I think I’m going to write an entirely new essay, beginning with what sets me apart and what I hope to achieve at a small school… is this good?</p>
<p>The transfer common app prompt isn’t supposed to be too specific to a school. It’s not about what she specifically wants from WAM or UVA, it’s about why she’s choosing to transfer in the first place. </p>
<p>I think you have some good ideas, but it’s kind of dull. Spice it up a bit. And vary your sentence structure, they’re all the same length and sound dull in my head. I know that sounds dumb, but they’re going to spend all of 2 minutes reading it, and it comes across kind of bland.</p>
<p>Molly, I could not disagree more. Many kids who are using the common app customize the essay for each school which benefits them greatly. Does a school want to hear generic reasons or why you’re a great fit there?</p>
<p>Stressed, I’d make the essay VERY specific to the school mentioning specific departments, programs and even profs you plan to work with.</p>
<p>And stressed, do not post your essay, PM some members or post on the essay board asking for readers.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, I’m doing both schools on the same commonapp account, and I’ve already submitted both supplements, so it has to be generalized for both =/</p>
<p>well if she says all those things in her common app essay, what’s left to say in her supplement? the supplement is supposed to be very specific, I always thought that’s where you mention profs/classes/specific aspects of a college. the instructions on the common app essay say to write about why you want to transfer.</p>
<p>Think about it Molly, does that really make sense to you? Every word you send to a college should be custom tailored to it for maximum benefit.</p>
<p>Stressed, it’s fine to send parts of the common app snail mail. In fact many counselors suggest doing this because you can format it better than you can online. You need every advantage you can get with how tough things are right now, I highly recommend send each school, especially since it’s only two, a customized essay.</p>
<p>I agree the essay needs to convey fit, but if you go into detail about specific departments, programs, professors, campus clubs, etc, then what’s left to talk about in the supplement essay?</p>