We have two DDs, 25 months apart in age. We look to providing same $$ to both as we have done with their education. I think they will spend the money differently - depending on what is important to each of them. When we set up the funds (after they finish UG education, unless they move quickly with having a serious BF which is not on the horizon now), they can choose to use their money in other ways (continue graduate education, down payment on a house, etc). As life moves along, for a while we probably will remain more affluent than they are - and we try to be generous with them when we can. We will look at what average wedding costs are and how much it will take to have a nice wedding in our area of the country (or where they land).
We have known of affluent parents on groom’s side that have contributed to overall wedding costs as a gift to the bride/groom. Some due to owning a business or such feel the need to have a longer guest list.
H and I had a few college friends; the majority of my side were local friends of parents and business associates of my dad; H had a huge extended family that lived within 100 mi radius of venue, so many aunts/uncles/cousins and some close family friends. H & I allowed our wedding to get pushed back by quite a lot of time due to major parent anniversary celebration which mother deemed more important and was her first priority; it worked out, but we will not do that to our DDs.
We will be hosting a rehearsal dinner later this month. It’ll be in a private room at a BBQ restaurant. Since most everyone but bride’s immediate family would be coming from out-ot-town, we, along with the bride and groom, decided to limit the rehearsal dinner to immediate family, wedding party, aunts, uncles and first cousins of the bride and groom. We’ll have around 35 people. I know there are some wedding guests who expected to be invited to the rehearsal dinner but aren’t…we had no choice since the venue could only accommodate 35-40.
NorthMinn, I could see my S and fiance totally loving your rehearsal with the food truck and the park! Sounds like a very relaxing, non-stressful event for the night before (and some good anxiety/anxiousness buster activities!)
Our D will most likely get engaged soon. H and I were discussing wedding costs just this past weekend. His boss’s D is planning a wedding with a guest list of … gulp … 600. The projected costs (so far - since they seem to keep growing) are at least $70,000. H was worried, because the boss’s future SIL is of a particular ethnic group known for big wedding celebrations … and D’s BF is a member of this ethnic group. I assured H that D and her BF are not interested in that, and his parents aren’t invested in that sort of thing. D actually prefers a smaller wedding, and she commented at her cousin’s wedding that she had been to less expensive weddings that were a whole lot more fun. Whew!
I’ve been to 2 rehearsal dinners at Maggionis. Both were dairy, family style. You could arrange everything a local restaurant, and have it in the city where event is.
At other affairs, when family and friends are staying in a hotel, the block of room often includes a gathering suite. Food was brought in. My cousin held a Friday night family & friends at a pizza parlor.
I think the term “rehearsal dinner” is outdated. It seems it can be a way for out of town guests to have a place to go, and local folks invited.
If you have a lot of out-of-towners staying at a certain hotel, you could also rent a suite at the hotel, have substantial hors d’oeuvres (enough to serve as dinner) and just have kind of an open hotel where people come and mingle.
For “our people” the custom is everyone from out of town goes to a rehearsal dinner, though that’s certainly not the only way and people do it differently.
My older D’s wedding was in an area that was about 70 miles from where D and son-in-law lived, so everyone was from out-of-town–think there were 4 local guests. My son-in-law’s mother wanted everyone invited to the wedding to be able to attend the rehearsal dinner. She is Russian and planned the whole thing with Russian food and music.
Since everyone will likely be at the wedding reception, I guess I’m struggling with why out of towners need to be at dinner the night before. I do think people are trying to show good host manners, but doesn’t that take away from the B&G’s last evening with the family and those who are in the wedding and/or have been helping plan, a sort of thank you evening?
When we’ve been the OOTs, we didn’t expect to be included in that, even for a family wedding.
^^^In the case of my son-in-law’s mother, she wanted a chance to offer people Russian food and music. (She’s lived in this country for 25 years, but is very proud of her Russian heritage.) I also think it was her way of contributing something Russia to the wedding celebration. My D and son-in-law were OK with it. H and I didn’t mind. It was a fun party and very different from the wedding and the reception. I’d say that of the 120 people who were invited to the wedding–probably 60-70 came to the rehearsal dinner.
My niece got married last year in a small town where her mother now lives, but where niece hadn’t really lived (stayed a few summers on and off during her 20s). Almost everyone was from out of town, and everyone was invited to everything - bridal luncheon, rehearsal party (no actual rehearsal), wedding, reception. Anyway, they hired a building at a park for the wedding (it was sort of like a big fire station would be, empty but nice, had a bathroom, kitchen. Price was for the entire weekend, so they had their rehearsal party - sort of a picnic, BBQ - on Friday night and then the wedding in the field on Sat and the wedding dinner followed. It was very convenient, as I always give big points for the wedding being close to the dinner, in both time and location. I’ve been to a wedding in one state with the reception in another, and to a morning wedding with an evening reception - two big NOs in my book.
I’ve been to rehearsal dinners at restaurants, but I don’t find them as fun as a pool party, BBQ or whatever where you can walk around, talk to people, get to know the other side, play sports. My niece’s actual rehearsal party was supposed to be at the river with kite boarding and other water activities but the weather didn’t cooperate. I vote for casual, but it depend who you are inviting.
I do have an Indian friend whose nephew celebrated with several days of festivities for all guests. They were invited 4 or 5 days before the ceremony, flights to India paid for, hotel and meals. Wealthy, traditional family.
S is engaged and we are looking at a wedding next summer. We are far wealthier than DIL and family, so we told S we would match the budget from the bride’s family. However, I have since added more and we are putting in 2/3rds. They can spend it all, keep it if they come under their budget, use it toward the honeymoon, or for any use they want. The wedding will be late Sunday morning, followed by brunch at a country club. Maybe 150 guests. Everything is still in the planning stages.
We will additionally cover the rehearsal dinner (5 attendants each) so I expect 30-40 people. My sibs are out of state so I will include their families. S will help us find a place because we live 150 miles from the wedding location. I don’t want to have to do much other than pick the menu and pay the bill. We will also pay for all apparel for family and 2 of the groomsmen (can’t afford to be in the wedding otherwise and we know it, friends of S since elementary school), plus hotel for same.
At this point my attitude is we spent a LOT for college educations, and so don’t plan on spending that much for weddings. But I suspect it’s kind of like childbirth… I’ll forget how bad it was and go ahead and spend on the wedding too. It will likely just depend on what our situation is at time of marriages. I have been to simple, home done weddings that were as nice or nicer than big fancy affairs. One thing I really appreciated was the coup,e that hired a bus to deliver guests to their hotels. The wine was flowing, and not worrying about drinking and driving made it more fun.
I’m also ambivalent about if/how much I’ll be contributing to a wedding. My daughter has expensive tastes, she lives in NYC – there is NO WAY I will be able to pay for the kind of wedding she’s likely envisioning. She will either have to marry into a wealthy/generous family or I will have to win powerball.
OTOH, there is no way I will discriminate against either child: I’d never EXPECT to give more $$ to my daughter than to my son just because it’s traditionally the bride’s family is supposed to pay for the wedding. This is the 21st century, kids live together before they marry, they’re (expensively) educated and have jobs. It’s time for new traditions.
@katliamom I logged in just to like your post. We always told our kids that their college educations are our first priority and funding for dream weddings was not particularly important to us. So each of our children -3 females 1 male has received or will receive the same amount of money towards a wedding. Or a house down payment. Or whatever they wish. The amount is generous but certainly not enough to fund a blow out bash. As adults with well-paying jobs, the couples can afford to pony up some money toward a wedding if they so desire. For D2, this has become an issue with future in-laws who think we just don’t have the money to pay for every frill imaginable. No, that’s not it-we just don’t think it’s necessary and neither does our daughter and her fiance. DH and I are first generation college grads whose starting salaries out of college exceeded our parents’ incomes. We paid for our own wedding minus the bridesmaids’ flowers and about $400 of alcohol and would have felt awkward accepting any more money from our parents who still had our siblings’ educations to fund.
Not sure if I posted this here before. My kids (3) have always heard: ‘We paid for our wedding, you’ll pay for yours’. But they had private college educations with minimal debt (which we helped pay off, too - of the philosophy that they needed to have some skin in the game).
Before DH passed away we had discussed wedding gift amounts (one was engaged at that time) and decided on a modest amount to be given. We wanted future funds to be available to help with home purchases or hard times (job loss, ill grandchild). Wedding gifts given at rehearsal dinner, so as not to influence their planning budgets.
Thus far I have given wedding gifts to 2 and home purchase gift to the other.
It is a parents option to pay for a wedding or not. There is no right or wrong.
That said, H and I have chosen to pay for D and SIL’s wedding this fall. I am annoyed by the people who ask if we are paying and when I say yes, feel they need to tell me I am a fool, I’m just paying for a big party (duh), they would never do that, etc.
If I’m not asking you to pay (and I’m not) it’s not your issue.
Folks are curious about how others pay for weddings, but I think it’s rude (or at least awkward) to ask parents if they’re paying for their child’s wedding. And then to chime in with their opinion on it - well, unless it was a grandparent or aunt/uncle sharing, I’d be mentally removing them from the invitation list during that conversation.
We have 3 girls but would have given sons the same amount of money for a wedding, house, elopement, whatever. I think that’s a terrific new development and am happy to read about so many parents doing that.
We gave each of our two married daughters a set amount toward their weddings, and the same amount is set aside for our youngest. They were free to use it as they wanted, with no strings attached. They could have fully funded more modest weddings with it, but supplemented with their own funds for the weddings they wanted. One MIL, who is well-off and generous, chipped in for the photographer and gave a huge rehearsal dinner for anyone who was around on that Friday night. The other MIL/FIL, not well-off, didn’t offer to help with wedding expenses and gave a much smaller rehearsal dinner.
