That was certainly what I learned, Marian. Tension was unavoidable. My family is very “traditional” when it comes to weddings, my parents planned to pay for just about everything. They hoped DH’s family would pay for the bar at the reception and the rehearsal dinner. My mom and I had a chat and agreed they’d best pay for the bar, because MIL didn’t offer and I was sure it was beyond her means-- and I didn’t even want a bar, so if my parents insisted on having it they would have to pay. The rehearsal nearly started world war III. My parents refused to pay for it and insisted DH talk to his mom and ask her to at least contribute. In DH’s family, kids pay for everything themselves, MIL has no money, it would have been a joke to ask her for anything and I don’t believe in asking people for money. So I forbade DH to ask his mom anything and I just booked it myself even though I really couldn’t afford it, I would make it work. My mom was furious that I was spending my own money, but wouldn’t pay for it because she thought if she left me twisting in the wind MIL would step in. Of course she didn’t. The day of the party my mom whispered into my ear as she was leaving that dad took care of the bill. I was glad DH’s family never got wind of any of the whole controversy. MIL did contribute to my BIL’s wedding rehearsal a few months later, which caused my mom to blow a complete gasket all over again.
Then there was a huge kerfluffle because in my mom’s mind, the MOB picks her dress first and the MOG is supposed to pick a different but complementing color. My mom’s dress was a cranberry color and then MOG picked a dress in a very similar color. My mom was again beside herself. To her these rules are universal and everyone knows them and MOG purposefully committed a terrible offense, and no attempt to explain to my mother that not everybody knows or follows these “rules” made any difference. DH ended up telling his mom to pick a different dress and I feel sick thinking about it to this day. I don’t think our mothers have liked each other since.
Then, there’s the fact that in DH’s family SIL started the tradition of having a post-wedding brunch the morning after, something utterly foreign to my family. I wasn’t going to do it but DH had a cow, so I told him fine, I will pay for bagels and juice and a fruit tray or something, we’ll do something small and casual just for the immediate family-- we didnt have out of town guests besides these people. I didn’t ask mom for any money, but she didn’t want me spending any of my own and was completely irate that his family would expect me to do this and pay for it myself. My family was tired after the wedding and didn’t want to come to the brunch, so it just ended up being MIL and DH’s siblings. It was lovely and I’m glad we did it. Mom is still pissed.
There is really just no winning with some people. When families have been having weddings the same way for generations and suddenly you marry into a new family with different expectations, it can get very touchy no matter how good of a diplomat the bride and groom may be. I do think it would have been nice if MIL had asked if she could do anything to help, not offering us money but at least offering to be involved. But I strongly suspect she didn’t only because she was trying not to step on my mom’s toes.
As far as I’m concerned, my daughter and her fiancé, who were given money from both parents, can make all their own decisions because it is their wedding. How they spend it is up to them. I am pretty confident that the groom’s parents feel the same. I would like to be informed on the planning because it is fun, but it is ultimately up to the bride and groom with regard to all the decisions for their wedding. They are doing all the research and arranging it themselves.
My D1 is engaged and she just today had a little fuss from her future MIL. Fiance was at a dinner with his mother’s family over the weekend (casual thing) and his mom started ranting to her sisters about how my D is going to have only food that she likes at the wedding, particularly vegetarian food for her mother (me). Apparently she was pretty upset about this. Thing is that my D hasn’t selected her menu yet. Yes, she is having a mashed potato bar at the cocktail hour, but guess who is paying for that as an extra? Right. Mama Spud. Which I am happy to do. But otherwise there is a menu of options that don’t have to be chosen for a few more months. My D is very hurt by this because I wanted to give them a small engagement party so everyone could meet, but his mom decided to have something larger the week after my sister died. I smiled and nodded and had no input into the selection of food for that. Then she informed me (a year before the wedding) as to what color and length of dress she would be wearing. I smiled and nodded. I’m not going to get into it with her about anything, but I don’t love that she bad mouthed my D about something that hasn’t even happened yet.
Oh my @zoosermom . What a way to start a lifetime relationship.
As things are starting to proceed here stateside and everyone,( no matter how related or unrelated) starts proffering their bizarre opinions, I really ,really wish my D and her fiancé would just take the money and run. (I am writing a big check and have given them that option) No matter what you do…IT"S WRONG
Ugh, @zoosermom I hope your DD and future SIL are going to live far enough away from his mother! She sounds lovely to be around…
My MIL asked for grandchildren on our wedding day and every week on the phone. H and I had to tell her to stop. Our children were born 15 and 17 years after our wedding, but thankfully she had three other grandchildren by then.
I realized very early that we did need to live far away after wedding, so when H received a job offer during senior year (1 1/2 years before wedding because my mother pushed our wedding out one year so she could have the big 25 anniversary event) job offer was far away and it worked for my career, that was that. Actually it was best for us to be away from both families - for various reasons.
In many ways, H and I did not have a lot of ideas that were different from how the wedding all evolved. I did pick out a very lovely invitation that my mom liked. We all are the same faith. Everything was done pretty well.
Our DDs will have their own ideas, and I am all for that! Hopefully they will not have a future MIL that is like zoosermom’s DD’s.
One has to work around or avoid situations with certain types of people. Sometimes it may even employ little white lies or keeping them uninformed.
Oh, zoose. That is frustrating. I guess the one thing I can take away from my wedding planning ups and downs is that sometimes weddings bring out the worst in people, and the way they act in those pre-wedding months may not be how they would ordinarily behave. I tried not to judge anyone too terribly in that part of my life, everyone had a lot of emotions running haywire. Of course, even if everyone gets their brains back after the honeymoon, then there’s the baby shower down the road…
My d is very perplexed because her relationship with her future MIL isn’t just cordial but very close. My husband thinks she just needed some attention in a gabfest with her sisters. I told my d to just let it go and keep treating her with the same warmth as she always has because they both know the truth. Unless of course the mom got the idea that only mashed potatoes will be served at the wedding . . .
As for me, this is my baby’s wedding and I will not engage in conflict with anyone over anything, future MIL can do whatever she wants and I will smile.
If my son marries his long term g/f, I have total faith in his future MIL to plan. (Think a better version of Sandra bullock in film of a Texas mother). It will be long distance for any of my family. At most, a very few will go. My besties already told me to have a party for the couple in my area, they wouldn’t be traveling. I plan to pay for rooms for son’s friends. Since my few family members are kosher, I will add to,have some vegetarian choices.
I’m not upset, I am resigned. I will not be happier to have a firm plan.
I count my lucky stars that DS’s new inlaws are so wonderful and were so easy to work with. They are absolutely delightful and we were all super considerate of each other. DIL asked our opinion about many decisions, and while I initially had reservations about the venue, it turned out perfectly.
D and SIL had their dream wedding and reception earlier this year. We bought D’s dress $$$$ and gave them $$$$$ to use as they wished. They worked hard (both could moonlight and make pretty good money) to pay for the things they wanted that our budget didn’t cover. We made all the decisions together, but H and I really just encouraged them to have what they wanted. It was their wedding. Some people would say that way too much money was spent… We have one daughter (and one son who will receive the same amount) and she has always worked so hard and has been so grateful for everything she has received. We were happy to help them have a wonderful weekend and will support them in any way we can in their marriage.
SIL’s parents are much wealthier than we are and invited more guests, but did not contribute money for the wedding/reception. They did, however, host a spectacular rehearsal dinner the evening before. D and I hoped that would keep MIL busy enough to stay clear of trying to add her influence for the wedding/reception. It worked.
One thing that I will say was the best money spent was for the ‘day of wedding coordinator’. She actually made all those phone calls one month ahead, one week ahead, and coordinated the rehearsal and worked tirelessly, along with her partner, the day of the wedding making sure everything went perfectly. She was worth every penny. Every time we needed something, she was right there.
Adding my sympathy for zoosermom. I am sorry for the loss of your sister.
Congrats to all the couples who will soon get married.
Not to imply anything negative here. By pure coincidence, I read the following from the Internet. I am almost choked when I read it. (So negative there.)
And also:
Do not imply any couple here will be so unlucky to be in such a situation though.
