We’re having my daughters boyfriend for dinner next week. We were just talking this morning about when we each met the others parents.
One thing I see over and over is that it isn’t clear what the so should call the parents. My sister has gone 30 years of marriage not having a name to call her mil so she just started calling her granny when the kids were born. That sets the tone imo. I’m sure to tell my kids adult friends to call us by our first name.
D1 is engaged and getting married this month. She and her fiance will live many states away, so we will only see them 6 times a year at most. I am a rather reserved but very accepting and nonjudgmental person. The fiance is also very reserved, so I don’t know how close we will be. Fiance’s mother is very emotional and vivacious, and very verbally affectionate with my D. I have to stifle the urge to be jealous or try to emulate her behavior with my future SIL. I am who I am, so I can only try to be best version of myself consistent with the realities of my personality. I want to be a good MIL, but I have to be authentic as well. Hopefully my SIL will understand this, respect it, and feel good about it. At least he won’t ever have to worry about me overstepping my boundaries!
D’s future inlaws always stay with them when they visit, even if means sleeping on a blow up mattress and sharing a single bathroom. DH and I ALWAYS stay at a hotel. I think this probably secretly relieves my D’s fiance. 
And though my D loves her future inlaws, I think she wishes deep down that they would also stay close at hand but perhaps in a hotel as well.
@Nrdsb4 I’m guessing your SIL appreciates your reserved nature as it reflects his and is somewhat the opposite of his mother.
Definitely a difference developing a relationship if you don’t see each other often. But it’s true, before technology the only option we had for “visiting” was a letter, a phone call or an in-person visit. Now we have email, text, cell calls, cell photos, social media, video calling, etc. So many options!
@Nrdsb4 - I would have fared far better in handling in-law visits if staying at a hotel had ever been an option. Or had they stayed at one when they visited us. But, we’ve all always had adequate space for guests, and that was the precedent that was set.
As far as communications go, mil pretty much always communicated with me instead of dh after we married. If I weren’t communicating there wouldn’t have been much communicating going on. Indeed, as I type this, I am recalling another slight annoyance - I am usually the one who has contacted the in-laws rather than the other way around. If I go too long without contacts, I receive the, “Haven’t heard from you in awhile,” remark. That always bugs me as I assume that their phones can make outgoing calls! I think it’s the idea that they don’t want to “bother” you. Which is fine in and of itself, but not if it’s paired with those kinds of comments when the adult children do call. Dh has had a lot more direct communication with his mother since his dad died. Mostly about estate stuff. So, I would add, don’t put the burden of making contact only on your adult kids. You reach out, too.
So many good thoughts and ideas here! I really appreciate them all. They have been a couple for almost nine years and she and I have a warm, healthy relationship. We met before that when they were tweens so we had the awkward time of “Please call me WP, Mrs Fence is my MIL”. Having a father and step mother who ignore boundaries, I am trying hard in that department. Her family lives a few miles away from us, including aunts, grandparents etc and she is an only child/grandchild so boundary work is becoming more and more important for the newlyweds! Luckily they live a few hours away with a big move coming later this year.
I do wonder if it harder for harder for the mom of a son. That silly saying " A daughter is your daughter all your life, a son is your son till he takes a wife" actually held true with me and husband and his parents and we all hold responsibility there.
We do often go on trips (2x a year typically) though I love the idea of making it an annual tradition instead of leaving it up to chance. That I can joyfully make happen!
I know I can work on recognizing they are both adults creating their own family. They met at 18 and I have to remind myself they have grown up.
Thanks for the food for thought. We are just excited to have our family grow for the first time since our youngest was born.
It may be a regional thing. If my wife called my mom “granny” it would be WWIII.
And she is 85 and certainly a grandmother several times over.
But she is tough. Very giving but my SIl’s have been calling her Mrs X for 20 to 30 years.
My wife, who is a very mature, calm and rational person, said no to that tradition after 5 years and broke out my moms first name. The others couldn’t follow suit.
Way too formal for me to say Mrs x. Imho.
I was nervous when wife told me her plan. But she was right and it’s been fine, after a few times of raised eyebrows and secret thumbs up from her fellow dil’s
So it can be a complicated thing. Also it’s all dils, four sons. Maybe that’s part of it ?
:-??
Agree with the suggestion to go to lunch from time to time just with your DIL. Have your own relationship with her as a person, not just as an extension of or conduit to your S. My own tips/gripes from my experience with MIL: Don’t expect her to do all the present-buying for the family on his behalf, and if she does take on that role, be helpful about dropping hints, instead of expecting her to guess about what you all would like and then showing obvious disappointment when she inevitably gets it wrong. Do not buy her anti-aging creams and face lotions as gifts for her. Ever. Certainly not every year. Give up a few traditions to make way for her own at family meals, big holidays, etc. If they will be celebrating holidays with you, ask her if there are any traditions she would like to incorporate, and plan that together with her if you are hosting. Never assume that because she chooses not to have children that she is inherently more responsible to take up the slack of family obligations than others in the family. Thank her profusely and truly appreciate her if she does decide to do that. Family trips are nice, but only if you are paying, unless your S and DIL are financially secure already. Remember, as young people they probably get very few vacation days. Don’t expect they want to spend every one of those with you.
How about just treat her/him like you would treat any member of the family???
And if there is a way you treat a family member that you couldn’t imagine treating her that way…maybe rethink how you’re treating family members!
I think all of this is with a grain of salt that you actually like the S/D in-law. If for some reason you don’t care for them…that’s another bag of problems!
Our D just moved in with her BF. I’m anxious for him to like me — and sometimes it’s hard for me to relax and just be myself.
I find I feel jealous or envious at times. His parents live near them, we don’t. His parents have a lot more disposable income than we do & will be set for retirement (whereas we are going to have a rough road ahead). Note to self: it’s not a contest!
I’m hoping to lure D & her BF out west on a hiking trip, and I’ll pay for the AirBnB. At first I was thinking just me + D, but after reading threads here on CC, I got to thinking about early impressions and what ifs … and told her he was certainly welcome to join us.
Great comments on this thread about IL relationships (both sides).
I was considering texting my DIL’s just to say I was thinking bout them today (because of this thread) but then someone posted on facebook that today is national pig day!!! 
Wouldn’t want them to misinterpret my reaching out to them today!!!
@jym626 that is a great post. So funny.
@jym626 Will you be my MIL?
I wasn’t going to send my dil a text today since she is on her honeymoon but she just sent me a really cute picture of the two of them so I had to respond! I hope she is unaware it is Pig Day!
I remember before I was married and a friend was very upset by a gift her new mil sent. It was a handwritten cookbook of all the new groom’s favorites, titled Jr’s Favs. My friend, as a new bride, was offended that her new mil thought she needed it. I assume the mil meant well. Can’t imagine giving that as a gift today! My son and dil cook together.
@ccprofandmomof2 - happy to be your MIL but be prepared for many gifts (I never show up empty handed). Never know if they are able to use them, but 1st DIL is very good about using something I gave her when we are visiting. Recently we went skiing and as newer DIL isn’t a big skier. I told her I bought her ski underwear and left it on her bed. She was initially mortified until we clarified that it was base layer “underwear” not a bra and panties!!
FSIL texts me more than my D does. Often, I text them together. Somehow, you have to find your own, “Not too little, not too much, just right.” Also helps, ime, to text an occasional “love you.” Getting the honeymon pic is a great opportunity to do that. Or, “Love you both.”
I think this new relationship starts much earlier than the engagement or marriage. Appreciate them, have talks or messages just for them, (even if it’s just sharing some thought) and the rest I agree with oldfort.
My MIL was great. No rocket scientist, but kind and warm, from the moment I met her. It made it easy to consider her needs. Many times, when on a business trip, I’d detour the trip home to spend a few days with her, intentionally.
I do think my mother liked DH better. He put up with her more easily.
I love my SIL. I Often tell him he is my favorite, oops only SIL. I am trying REALLY hard not be intrusive. I have found the more I pull back the more they reach out.
I think the cookbook was wonderful idea.
But how hard can it be to replicate my favorites, Mom.
Grilled cheese, cheeseburgers and tacos. Pizza from Papa Gino’s is already made. And the filet o’ fish only requires a drive through.
X_X
My MIL is very sweet, but she did tend to BUY me stuff I didn’t want or need. She spent $300 on a juicer! I felt like saying, “You don’t know me very well if you think I will ever use that thing.” So I will try to remember that if/when my kids get married.
Loved my FIL. He was an ob/gyn and I could talk to him about literally anything. He’s been gone 20 years and I still miss him.
D1 told me we are going on a family vacation in April, but since her sister couldn’t come due to the school schedule, it would just be me, D1 and her new H. We will be traveling through Spain for 9 days. I am going to be on my best behavior so I get invited again.