<p>My kids are too old for me to still be worrying about them. Maybe I’ll always worry, but I need advice about how to stop doing anything beyond worry.</p>
<p>My recent dilemma has to do with my middle son. He has been working since he graduated last May, but hates it. He feels frustrated that this job isn’t what “he worked for all throughout college”. It’s not like he’s turning to me for help, but I feel his frustration and lonliness and wish I could help. Didn’t we all have this feeling when we graduated from college? DS doesn’t live close by, so it’s not like I’m ready to rescue him if he quit. In fact, he’s not ready to quit, but his unhappiness has me aching for him. </p>
<p>I’ve already made tons of mistakes about helicoptering my oldest. He’s a kid who wants and asks for my help. Regrettfully, because he has Asperger’s, I’ve stepped over the line too many times and that has caused problems. Even so, he still comes to me for guidance and support. Nowadays, I find myself having to turn my son away and get him to take charge and it’s not easy (for either one of us). He just doesn’t want to grow up and I’m feeling like I did too much for him. I’m aware of my helicoptering tendencies and trying to distance myself, but it’s hard. </p>
<p>How do you go from being involved in everything to not being so involved? I always thought that the way I grew up (and made mistakes) was because my mother wasn’t the nurturing kind; she was just too busy. But now I see that maybe that was okay.</p>
<p>Did he major in a pre-professional major, or liberal arts major with significant major-specific job prospects, but entered an unrelated job, or one which was different from initial expectation?</p>
<p>Or did he major in something that does not have much in the way of major-specific job prospects, but have overly high expectations of finding a job related to his major?</p>
<p>Limabeans - I feel for you. It hurts to hear that our children are not happy and we want to step in and fix it. I think you could consider transitioning to a new phase where you listen, let him vent, brainstorm about his options - basically provide a safe caring sounding board for him.</p>
<p>I’ve read so many stories about kids today thinking they will get out of college and be immediate leaders in their field, get to come and go as they please, get paid top dollar, etc. In other words, they expect it to be “all about them” as it was for them growing up. I recently heard a different term called “lawnmower parents” and I think that fits better than helicoptering. Lawnmower parents just remove all obstacles from their kids’ path, even when it harms the kid.</p>
<p>I have two adult kids-one is 28, the other 23. I never snowplowed/lawnmowered/helicoptered. But of course, I still worry. It’s what parents do. My grandmother used to fuss at my mom and they were 65 and 88. You listen, you ask leading questions, you help them figure it out. My son, the 28 yo, is dealing with this right now-his company was bought out and the new owners are not good at marketing so they are losing jobs. S needs to be working FT, not when these clowns land another contract. So he’s been bouncing ideas off me, even though I don’t know the industry. He’s getting there to a solution. But of course I worry.</p>
<p>If you S is expecting the perfect job with money falling from the sky, key contracts or assignments or whatever, it might do him good to be told about paying one’s dues. But if he’s just not in a good fit or doubting his choice of career, maybe some leading questions to help him figure out the next step himself would work. Good luck.</p>
<p>Limabeans, I totally sympathize. I have to remind myself frequently that things are probably not as bad as my son’s phone calls sound. I know that I am the person that he comes to when he is feeling down. Occasionally I can offer advice or another point of view, but mostly I am just a sympathetic ear. Sometimes sharing the burden and a good night’s sleep are all that he needs. Each time that I step back, he becomes a bit more independent and resourceful. Of course, the truth is that I still fret until the next time he calls.</p>
<p>Limabeans, even though it was years ago, I can remember feeling what your S is feeling with my first job out of college. It’s what motivated me to go to grad school and ultimately find a career I love. He will find his way I’m sure. I think your instinct to refrain from helicoptering, hard as it feels, is right on.</p>
<p>These days I give my graduate about five to ten minutes if she complains. Then I talk a little about my life. </p>
<p>It’s not so much that I want to talk about my life, but I’m forcing myself to do this to change the relationship a little. </p>
<p>I also ask if there’s anything I can do to help. I refrain from offering. It’s new. </p>
<p>I can’t ever stop doing one thing without replacing it with something else. So I’m more and more busy with my own thing. </p>
<p>It’s a change. But you’ll get the hang of it and so will he. A few years ago I started saying “I’m sure you will figure it out” to those kind of conversations. I don’t know if that was for her or for me, but it mostly turned out to be true!</p>
<p>I used to get annoyed with my DH, because whenever I would vent about something, he would say, “well why didn’t you do X,” or "why in the world would you care about that? or “I always handle it like this, why wouldn’t you have?” or "do you want me to do such and such?, etc. The thing is, I didn’t want his advice, wasn’t asking his advice, sure didn’t need to be told things would have gone better if only I’d approached it his way, or even worse, that I was being silly to be upset, sad, or even mad. All I wanted was a sympathetic ear and perhaps a “wow, that must have been hard,” or “I can see this upset you. How about a neck rub?” Or something along those lines.</p>
<p>As our kids get older, they may well be doing the same thing: simply looking for a hug, a sympathetic, ear, validation of their feelings. They might not always be looking for help or even advice. At those times, we need to just say, “man, that sucks,” or “wow, that must really be frustrating for you.” That gives him support and puts the ball in his court. Then he can respond with “well, what would you do?” or maybe he’ll just say “thanks for listening Mom. I appreciate that.”</p>
<p>Hard to do. I’m hoping to get there eventually. ;)</p>
<p>I cannot offer help (for good reasons) but I’d like you to know that many in my generations are unhappy about their jobs. It is a combination of promises of boundless riches for the students who graduated from the academic nec plus ultra, a good dosis of entitlement, and great expectations. Even among the people who landed one of those jos the world dreams about (think at new darling companies a la Google, Facebook, Zynga, Dropbox in the Bay Area) do not hesitate to complain and “threaten” to quit at the first opportunity. All in all, a life in a cubicle making a lot of quasi cold calls is not what they had hoped for. And all the perks become stale after a while. </p>
<p>Or at least that is the perception. A perception skewed by the blatant ignorance about the real world and the current difficulties in many places of the US. </p>
<p>As long as we will find willing and able shoulders to cry on, we … will. Until we realize that time to grow up has come. :)</p>
<p>I like the advice above that you listen for awhile then change the conversation to another topic. Sometimes the short “listen” will be enough for them to get it off their chest and then the change of topic will let them know that you are there to listen but not to solve. Once they DO solve on their own, it will help you mentally be able to step back.</p>
<p>Are you busy enough in your own life to not have so much time to worry??? I think that worrying about family is completely natural but when it starts consuming too much of your mind space or makes you feel like you have to be responsibility to solve it, then you are in too deep.</p>
<p>Worrying is pretty natural. Others have given you good advice for how to talk to your son. If you can share any of your own straight out of college experiences that might help. I spent a summer cleaning houses. I graduated from architecture school in the middle of a recession and then went across the country where I had no contacts. It was almost a year before I had an entry job in my field. I don’t think kids don’t always realize many of us did not get the dream job straight out of school. Meanwhile, if you are having trouble dealing with your feelings, perhaps going to a therapist would be helpful.</p>
<p>I think as moms we’re hardwired to worry. I know my DD calls sometimes just to vent, I guess because she doesn’t feel that she can vent to her friends. Other times she calls to voice her thoughts aloud; I think I’m just figuring out that she doesn’t really want my input, but saying stuff aloud helps her work things out. As moms I think we worry long after our kid has moved on over the issue. Maybe we need to figure out a mantra to repeat to ourselves after one of these episodes?</p>
<p>I’m in the same boat, although DS’s situation is somewhat different. He loves his job, but is in a new city where he knows no one and lives in a nice apartment by himself. His weekends are agony. By Sunday night he’s a mess, sad, lonely, just dying to get into work so he doesn’t have to think about being alone. He’s never had to try and find friends, they always happened organically at school. He’s not the most outgoing, and always relied on the ‘social planners’ of his peer group to plan things. Now that he has no peer group, there is no one to plan stuff and he is almost paralyzed with fear of being alone and having nothing to do. There are friends at work, but it seems like many of them have friends and family in the area. He has joined an alumni group and also does get together with some work friends who share the same love of a certain football team.</p>
<p>I’d like to try to be more like poetgrl, but I am actually a little afraid for his mental state. I know he wouldn’t do anything rash, but it seems like he is unable to pull himself out of this funk. I am worried about the long winter ahead. Is this something that kids eventually get better at? He’s been working since mid-August. Is it just a muscle that he hasn’t used before that needs to be built up? I don’t remember being paralyzingly lonely even though I worked in a city where I knew no one and had a job in sales that didn’t even have a central office to go to. This helicopter mom just doesn’t have a map to this area of helping her kid :(</p>
<p>Thanks for listening to my vent. After writing this, and admitting that I’m a “helicopter mom”, I have a new outlook. It’s called nod and move away. </p>
<p>For example, DH allowed DS to use the car, but only for work, not for anything social. My oldest asked me if I could drop him off at a friend’s house this evening. Hummm. I might have done that. But instead, I listened but didn’t volunteer to help. I told him “it would look weird”, so he decided not to go. I’m also trying to stay “too busy to help”. It’s a hard lesson for this kid who’d like everything handed to him, but he needs tp stop relying on me.</p>
<p>I still ache for my middle son, but I’m not doing anything about it. In truth, I wouldn’t anyway, in part because he doesn’t ask for help, but I’m not hovering either.</p>
<p>This is totally normal, especially for our kids who attended terrific, exciting universities with great food, great facilities, great mentoring, tons of activities and close friend groups all living on or near campus. then graduation amd poof! People move away, you start working 40-50 hours a week with ten days of vacation a year, and any get-together has to be planned in advance… Quite a shock, especially after the 30-weeks of school, 22-weeks of internships,vacation, hanging out…for the last four years.
DS had to figure out how to make this new lifestyle work, and it wasn’t always easy. Now, two and a half years out, he has made that transition to adult life; he has a nice little apartment, a girl friend, a cat, though really doesn’t like his job. He is making practical steps to go back to grad school amd change career.<br>
It gets better! tell your son that. It does get better!<br>
I am a worrier, also. (See my username?). I have to actively work at not worrying when the kids are in a stressful place. I talk to myself, out-loud, and tell myself that they will get through it, and list all that they have going for them: loving parents, good friends, health, intelligence, no debt, loving partners, etc. When I say it outloud, it helps me put it in perspective. :-)</p>
<p>Yalemom, you just described my middle son. He has a gf, but she’s in another city. He’s busy most nights at work, but the weekend is painful. I wanted to fly out last night when I called at 5:45pm and woke him up !!! Aghast, I wondered why. His response was, “there’s nothing else to do around here.” Gulp. </p>
<p>I do worry about this kid’s mental health, but for now I’m trying to let him comes to terms with that. I have to remind myself that someday, I won’t be around to guide him. I remind him this is exactly how he felt when he started college 4 years ago. He doesn’t drink or do any drugs and so far, that seems to be the only reason kids get together socially. He’ll figure it out, but I worry how long that will take. I just have to remind myself that I need to step away and let him figure this out on his own. (See? Improvement!)</p>
<p>I’ve come to the conclusion that worry is a universal mom-thing, not specific for helicoptering.</p>
<p>That was exactly the text I sent him last night! Thanks anxiousmom and limabeans, I am going to tell myself the same mantra you are using. I feel utterly unable to ‘fix’ this and I suppose that’s a good thing, he needs to develop this skill. He can solve the most complex thermodynamic questions, but ask him to organize an evening out and he becomes a quivering bowl of jello! Why is there not Kumon for organizing and planning one’s social events?! :D</p>
<p>Yale and Lima,
I feel your pain. When son calls lonely, distressed, it gets to me. This weekend, my best friend was in son’s city, and asked him to bring a friend to meet her friend’s daughter. Son brought 2 friends. My g/f called to say both young men were wonderful, and the conversation terrific, and best night of her convention. So, when son calls and is miserable, missing his g/f, at least I know that he does (finally) have nice guys in the area. </p>
<p>I think our sons need to vent. They also need encouragement to get together with peers from work. In college, they only had to go to TV room or game room to find peers. Now, they have to go out of comfort zone. It is tough. On them, on us.</p>
<p>My 19 yr old daughter calls me to vent also - I think it is a good thing (even though it usually makes me worry). It means that I am still important enough and valued enough to vent to. It makes me feel more involved in her life (even though I might just be nodding and listening). It tells me that she trusts me (and my judgement). Who else do these kids have to vent to at their age (at my age I have a long-time spouse and several long-time friends to vent to)? As others have mentioned, often the problems she tells me about - she forgets about long before I do.</p>