I have never been more homesick in my life. I literally cry multiple times a day every day. For context, I am about 45 minutes away from home, I am more introverted, have anxiety and OCD, but that does not mean I do not want friends and people to hang out with. High school was great. I had a solid friend group and was able to come home every day and hang out on the weekends sometimes if I wanted to. Here, I feel like if I’m not constantly hanging out with someone or looking for friends, I feel like I’m falling behind. Not to mention the stress of potentially missing a club event because you have to study, or not hanging out with someone because then the racing thought that they will never want to hang out with you again. It is so exhausting feeling like this every day, and the only thing that keeps me going is counting down the days until I go home for the next break. I have been limiting myself to going home for breaks only because I want to adjust so badly, and going home, I feel like only a break that adjustment and puts me in a never-ending cycle. My parents are extremely understanding and have suggested either coming home every weekend or commuting, but I look at this as giving up, and I am scared to give up if there is something, so I restrain myself from going home. For context, I don’t have a solid friend group that I want to hang out with for the next four years, but I have many acquaintances, a few I hang out with. Not to mention getting ready to hang out is a mental battle because I freak out so bad to the point of tears with the racing thoughts of not wanting to go because what if they don’t like me, all the things. To make matters even worse, my roommate is horrible; he stays up all night loudly with his girlfriend and sleeps in the room all day, smells, and is extremely messy. We have no common interests at all. I COULD commute or request a single room for my anxiety and OCD, but I feel like both options would ruin my college experience. I’m honestly just so lost and exhausted from being at the brink of a mental breakdown 24/7. I’m curious if anyone has felt this way or has had kids feel this way, and how it ended up working out for them.
I think you should do a lot of these things’
- ask for a single or at least a new roommate who doesn’t smell
- go home occasionally maybe every other weekend or on Sundays so you don’t miss it so much but still have a presence on campus
- skip a few meetings if you have to study or join fewer clubs
- don’t worry about making lifelong friends the first semester; enjoy those you do meet for ‘right now’ and others will come along
- consider commuting, it may reduce your stress for next semester
You don’t have to do it all immediately. Relax, enjoy one thing about a day or a weekend. Get rid of the roommate (he’s not going to be your lifelong friend)
This is all great advice. The fact that you are in college, living on campus AND dealing with OCD and anxiety is an accomplishment. Don’t beat yourself up over the fact that your first semester isn’t perfect. Be kind to yourself. You’re not giving up in any way if you go home for a night or two. You’re close enough to do that and maybe ease into college life.
OP - FWIW, I actually don’t think most people have a solid friend group at this point in their college careers. Finding friends takes time, and the good news is it sounds like you have some nice people to hang out with as you continue to meet people and get to know the campus and its offerings better over the next year. Also, I agree with the advice you’ve been given about the rooming situation.
Some of this is “normal” and to be expected: the homesickness, trying to find your people. It tends to take until spring to feel at home, in the experience of my 3 kids and their friends.
Go easy on yourself about going home if that is helpful. I would continue living at the college and trying to spend some weekends there, but again, don’t make things difficult for yourself by trying to avoid the comfort of home either. You could always go home one night, not the whole weekend.
If you have social anxiety, and OCD, by all means seek help. Many students seek help at first for loneliness too. It would be good to have a therapist on campus or near campus to vent to while you settle in. This is very common: 50% of Harvard students seek counseling at some point, I read, for example.
The roommate issue is something you can address. If the girlfriend is there a lot, that is not fair to you. You can talk to an RA. See if you can switch roommates of get a single.
Things tend to get a lot better as time goes on. It has only been 2 months. I know it can feel like forever. I am sorry you are miserable. I hope you can get a counselor to help you through. It can really help!
Hi there,
First—you are not alone, I promise! Many students are homesick and out of sorts at the beginning of college.
Please please see a counselor with health services! Someone to talk to possibly weekly, and possibly starting a small dose of an anti-anxiety drug, will help.
it is really hard when roommates aren’t respectful with noise/guests (so many students experience this! You are not alone! My child’s roomate had his gf sleeping over up to 5 times per week—it was too much. Talking to your roomate, and your RA if you need more help, will help set boundaries with the goal of a better living environment for you.
Starting college is really hard for SO many students—many students are homesick and lonely, even those who had great high school experiences! It’s going to get better—you are incredibly brave reaching out for help. Sending you so much love from a mom on the East coast!
Why are you there in the first place?
Let us know how you are doing!
You are not sleeping well. That might be causing anxiety right there. Remedy that as soon as you can. You need to focus on your school work at this point in the semester and reward yourself with a happy holiday stay at home with your family. Start over in spring in a room where you can sleep at night. Many others feel like you, it actually sounds kind of normal to me everything you are saying. You are doing great by just powering through.
Hey just wanted to chime in here - and let you know that we see you and hear you. I HIGHLY, HIGHLY recommend seeing the mental health counselors at your school or locally if you haven’t already. It’s good and NOT any kind of defeat to seek out help at your school. Second, a new roommate (or no roommate) will really help - your ‘safe space’ - your room – is smelly and awful and you aren’t getting any decompression time. You need to be able to get sleep and rest to function well - that goes for EVERYONE. Third - I don’t think commuting for a semester or two is a bad idea – basically keep one parameter ‘stable’ (home) and deal with other factors one step at a time -like classes and then when those are stable –add in clubs.
Also - please give yourself some grace and treat yourself like you would a good friend. You are doing the best you can right now - many people take a long time to settle into a friend group.
First of all – you are not alone, and it will get better. Two months is too soon for most people to have a solid, steady friend group. It often takes a semester or more. You’re not settled yet in your friendships, your clubs, and even your classes (freshmen are most likely to have classes they’re not yet passionate about, because they have lowest-priority enrollment and haven’t gotten far in their majors yet). You’re doing the right thing by sticking it out instead of going home every weekend, but you still deserve more support.
-
Therapy. Stat. This will make a world of difference. If you have diagnosed mental illness (and it appears you do), a therapist can help you get a housing accommodation, which (regardless of how bad your roommate is) sounds like it could be really important for you. A housing accommodation could mean a single or just a different roommate – but you can’t underestimate how it could affect your quality of life. Aside from the housing situation, therapy is a good opportunity for a regular mental-health check-in and can be a lifeline during stressful or lonely times. And it’s possible that you’re a candidate for meds that can make a lot of things much easier.
-
Try to develop a routine that will make you comfortable. Having a routine, so that you know there will be blocks of time for studying, sleeping, socializing, clubs, etc. can help you feel less anxious about any of the above getting done when you know you’ll have time for it later.
-
Try to find a study space on (or even off) campus that makes you feel at peace. Not only will this give you incentive to study, but you’ll have a comfortable and restful place to spend hours away from your room or anyplace else that makes you anxious.
-
Keep your HS friends (virtually) close. Even if you can’t be together, try to schedule a group call every week or two - enough to make upon feel supported and heard, but not so often that it keeps you from exploring new social possibilities on your campus.
Give it a semester or two. It really can take that long. Try to remember why you chose this specific school and lean into that.