I agree with not asking about the mother and just be kind and a good listener to your DIL if she ever brings up her mom. My relationship with my mom has been up and down through the years-am happy to say that right now it’s very good. But for some reason, right after I married and when I had my daughter it was particularly bad. I think marriage and motherhood dredges up a lot of garbage and it’s hard to work through that. Definitely be careful with DIL’s mother if you hear from her-my MIL and mom became friendly during the wedding and that was very stressful for me, their conversations always led to my mom coming back to me with a lot of anger and recriminations. That said, things are so much better now - I wasn’t entirely wrong, but twenty years of marriage and raising a child definitely have given me a lot more empathy for my mom’s experiences and actions, and she’s mellowed too.
I don’t look at my DHs mother as my family at all. She doesn’t seem to need that either, so that makes her good. I don’t want validation or mothering by any non mother. This is weird. But then again, I wouldn’t take any money from in laws, that is fraught with obligation. If I was your DIL I would be incredibly irritated by this thread. It strikes me as patronizing and invasive.
@Sybylla : I disagree strongly. OP is asking how she can behave so as not to exacerbate her DIL’s concerns and issues by being invasive.
Okay – In the years we have known her, DIL’s mother has regularly threatened to keep or destroy the adoption papers, so DIL will have no citizenship proof. DIL was homeschooled because if she went to public school people might think poorly of mom because DIL is “not right”. She was not permitted to get a driver’s license, too dangerous. She told a dinner party of their friends that everyone would think DIL trapped my son because she is “fat and looks pregnant”. She first called us to yell about the inappropriateness of us paying for the reception because the couple must have “conned” us into it, it was mom’s right to do that, but then she made it clear she would give them no money for the wedding unless she could plan it. There is more, but I digress.
But this is all within family. To the world, she seems to be fairly normal if not eccentric. She enlists her friends in abusing my DIL (they call to tell her she’s a terrible daughter because of some completely invented behavior; one of them tried to engage me in this sort of crap the morning of the wedding itself). She is polite in groups, and reasonably good to DIL in public. Brags about her accomplishments, etc. In public. I would not leave a 25 yr old to navigate all this on her own if they were a coworker asking me if it’s normal, so I am not going to do it for family. Because we consider her family, maybe that’s old school. (the money we gave her for school was completely without strings, btw. )
I cannot stress enough how little I wish to meddle or advise. But after a life of doing it all alone, I think she deserves some allies.
My mom is a difficult, narcissistic, crazy person. My siblings and I have all been completely estranged from her at various times. We all limit our contact with her.
My MIL is a lovely, kind person. Among other reasons, I love her because she does not offer unsolicited advice, but is a sounding board when needed.
The most basic, but wonderful thing she does with me, whenever we talk, is that she just asks me how I am, and always seems happy to listen, whether things are rosy, or not. My own mother rarely asks how I am or about her awesome grandkids, and it is painful.
My MIL never disparages my mother. She does occasionally ask how she is, and just listens if I have something I need to vent about, letting me know she is sorry if things are not going well. I appreciate that simple support immensely.
You can support your DIL by letting her share herself with you on her terms. Simply be loving and interested in her life. Ask open ended question like “How are you doing? What have you been up to?” Leave the door open for her to share and ask for support when needed.
I found this book to be very insightful. It may help provide more understanding of your DIL’s mom, as well as give you some ideas for handling future interactions with her.
Difficult Mothers
(Understanding and Overcoming their Power)
By Terri Apter
Some helpful neutral responses for diffusing an angry narcissist:
I see.
I am sorry you feel that way.
That’s interesting.
Really?
I understand.
A narcissist often interprets that these responses are tacit agreement, even though they are not, and may drop the controversial subject.
You might find them helpful in future dealings with your DIL’s mother.
It sounds like you already are supportive and not meddling. I agree with limiting questions about her mom, but would want to be sure she knew I was glad to listen if she wants to talk. It sounds like their paths may cross at times? Do your son and DIL see the mom for family events or holidays? If so, I would think asking about the visit or event would not be intrusive. Or perhaps a general “how is your family” (assuming that would include more than just the mom) would allow her to talk about it if she wants without being too intrusive. Would never asking seem like you stopped caring about that relationship?
Reflective listening in a neutral way may be your best bet when she vents about her mom. You never know when they might reconcile so want to avoid being too negative, while still supporting DIL’s experience. Not easy to thread that needle.
I might also ask my son about how things are going, if you ever see or talk to him alone. And let him know you care, but don’t want to ask too much about the mom.
I stopped taking calls from my parents’ friends. My father is the narcissist in the family and told everyone who would listen that I was a horrible daughter, never helped, never came around, etc… It was super hard to deal with in my 40s. Can’t imagine navigating that in my 20s. Hopefully your DIL will continue therapy and developing good boundaries and coping mechanisms.
OP - sounds like you are doing a great job!
As Dr. Phil says “no matter how flat the pancake it has two sides”.
Love her and give support but stay out of taking sides. You don’t know when the pancake flips.
Thank you for your post(s)!
Good advice & definitely applicable to other situations where unconditional love will go a long way.
@greenbutton Thank you for being a good MIL. This post shows you are trying to be supportive and pleasant and she is lucky to have you. Don’t ask about the mother or anything related and treat her like a daughter. In addition, be honestly interested in her and supportive if she shares with you. Further, don’t push beyond what she is comfortable with. You sound like you will continue to have a great relationship. She will need you when baby time arrives , if that is chosen by your DS and DIL. It is so nice to see a MIL trying to get it right