I am a new MiL – my son married an exceptionally wonderful woman this past fall, after 5 yrs together (they met in college). I am in unfamiliar waters though, because DiL is now estranged from her only parent, her mother. I find myself rationalizing the mom’s behaviors as just bad choices, or exaggeration on my son/DILs part, but mostly because I just cannot wrap my head around toxic parents. I want my DIL to have the happiness she so deserves, and she tells these fond memories and stories of growing up – but she also won’t see her mother alone, and if I ask how the mom is doing, the answer tends to be from my son, not DIL. The wedding itself put some pretty unacceptable behavior of the mom on display, and some pretty revelatory reactions from the DIL.
I want to just mother her. We have a lot in common besides my son. She clearly has some baggage and clearly I cannot fix this, nor do I want to. She has every right to keep her distance from a destructive person, right? And I support her in that by…not asking about her mom? asking? being horrified by the bad stories or staying neutral? By stepping in the gap that this gulf has opened? Not sure what exactly I am asking, but it feels like I’m in the weeds.
Do they live near you? Be her friend. Let her tell you what she wants you to hear. I would not be bringing it up with her. It’s her business to talk or not. Offer no advice unless asked and then be very careful about what you say.
Be kind, neutral, empathetic. Take her to lunch, live theater, pedicure: girl stuff/mom stuff. Have your son be your guide.
I would suspect as she becomes more familiar with you, she will open up as she needs and see that not every mother is like hers, nor is every family. Just be there.
If you just cannot wrap your head around toxic parents, count your blessings. There will be things your DIL will not be able to talk to you about and you wouldn’t believe what she tells you anyway. One way you could be supportive is to stop asking about a subject she clearly finds painful - her mother. Asking her about her mother is not just poking a sore subject but could also be implying you want to encourage more of a relationship between DIL and her mother than she’s comfortable with. Asking comes across as either tone deaf (why ask about something she’s told you she’s uncomfortable with) or judgmental. If you can just understand there are things you won’t understand, be supportive of her and not poke the sore subjects, that would be a good start.
This is familiar territory for me. I’m the DIL in my situation; DH’s parents were a Leave it to Beaver perfect family and cannot begin to fathom any of it.
I would not ask and I would stay neutral. Even if she is a bad mother, she IS STILL her mom. You know the old saying that I can say anything I want to about my family, but YOU can’t.
You can treat her like a daughter and be a shining example of a good mother, so she will have a good role model if/when she has children of her own.
I remember your angst regarding the wedding @greenwitch. I’m sure this is hard for everyone. I would try and be your usual caring self. I might say once, hey I’m here if you want to talk about your mother but I don’t want to push.
Hopefully the dil is getting counseling, so she can navigate her relationship with her mother.
When I say i can’t wrap my head around it, I don’t mean to i ply I don’t believe her, or don’t agree that the estrangement is justified. It clearly is. We live 200 miles away, the mom is about 30 miles away. Sometimes I think DIL wants our permission to hate her mom, sometimes she wants permission to still hope things could be better. I imagine both of those are true at times,maybe the same time. I have taken pains to say “that is not okay for her to do” when appropriate.
But maybe it would be best to not ask at all. I was afraid that would seem like the mom was Voldemort, never to be spoken of. And I want her to feel like she isn’t all alone in this. Yes, DIL has had a counselor for some time. (Mom used to call and ask if we’d any idea what was so wrong that her daughter needed a shrink. I told her about mine)
She probably would enjoy having a “mom” who’s sane, warm and supportive. And she may enjoy learning how to be a daughter to someone who’s not a danger zone. But forging that kind of relationship can take time, and should be done lightly, since it’s clearly an emotion-packed territory for your DIL. I wouldn’t bring up the mom unless it comes up in conversation organically. (I have a problematic parent I don’t enjoy talking about.) I would make it clear you don’t judge DIL for her distance, and consider her a part of the family by saying something like, “oh how fun to have a daughter to shop for” (or “another daughter to shop for” if applicable.) Once she fully understands you consider her a daughter, she may reciprocate by letting you mother her. Wishing you both the best. Though it sounds like you’re off to a good start
Don’t ask about her mother. She will share what she wants to share, if and when she wants to share. If she does share, just listen. She will not really be asking for criticism of her mom or agreement with what she is saying. “I’m so sorry” is a phrase that would work if you feel a response is necessary.
Everybody copes and survives differently, but it’s not uncommon for adult children of dysfunctional parents to distance themselves from their parents. She may not want or need your permission for anything - she’s just talking either because that’s helpful or so that you understand why she’s doing something that may appear abnormal. If you can approach this as a peer instead of a parent who needs to give permission, that might also help the relationship. You don’t need to condemn the mother’s actions or do anything but listen empatheticaly and be supportive without offering an opinion on the situation (because you have already stated you don’t understand it.)
As for talking with her mother about why she might need a counselor… I think that your involvement and sharing information with the estranged mother - whether it’s meant with good intentions or was just innocent mother to mother talk - would be perceived as unwelcome.
If Mom calls again, keep the conversation VERY surface - “Yes, the weather is gorgeous here today!” If she asks any questions about her daughter, deflect.
Also, bend over backwards not to give your DIL advice. ANY advice. I had a wonderful MIL, but she tended to give well-intentioned suggestions and I didn’t appreciate it. Your job is to be a supportive listener. Keep repeating that to yourself.
Don’t worry about being a good mother in law. Just be a good human.
Over time things may naturally change or move towards a more “mother-daughter” relationship but only time will tell. She may not be looking for a “mom figure”. But everyone wants good humans in their life.
Whenever the mom has called – which stopped after the wedding itself – I only ever expressed amazement that anyone could find fault with DIL, and changed the subject to something safer, but Mom’s mo is lazer focus on causing trouble, and is hard to appease or redirect. Sometimes I would just stay silent. I always, always, told my son when she had called, so they would be ready for her call to them (she calls them, calls me, calls them back). I told her about my therapy as a way to say “well, I’m not psychotic and I have a therapist”
This couple is young, and she has lived outside her mother’s ire for only about 5 years. She doesn’t have a lot of practice getting to decide things for herself, so we are very very careful to not give advice unless she asks (and she does) and reaffirm that the choices they make are good. She’s a lovely person.
I agree about being a supportive listener. Validating how your DIL feels does not mean you have to pass any judgement against her mother. You would be on rocky ground if they reconciled.
I grew up with a very strained relationships with my parents. I greatly appreciated the normalcy and stability my inlaws provided. Sounds like you will do great being that force for your DIL!
I’d probably try to leave raising the topic up to them. I think the Voldemort thing would kick in only if you tried to shut down DIL when she brought up her mom. Just follow her cues about discussing it.
One of my sons has a serious GF who has no relationship with her mother. I don’t ask many questions, but I don’t completely ignore it either. For example, since they were here on Mother’s Day and the timing seemed right, I asked if she thought she would ever want to renew the relationship with her mother. I don’t ever judge what she says, and in this are I try hard not to offer an opinion - I just try to be supportive and listen.
I do give her my opinion on things more than I would someone else, and I have been “invited” to do so, if that makes any sense.
My DIL has a strange mother. Not horrid but not a nurturer. I became the great MIL and enjoyed this completely. I only asked how her parents were from time to time. DIL is not a talker about them but it kept the door open in the event she did want to share.
Fast forward 8 years and now she gets along very well with her mother. I have become less important. It is ok, although I miss feeling closer to her, we do still get long.
Read some books about narcissistic mothers. Believe every word she says to you as that is, for now, her truth. If you have never experienced a destructive parent then it is difficult to understand how bad it makes you feel about yourself. Then comes the anger which is where your daughter is now.
No contact is the best thing your DIL can do for now. But most importantly, Believe her.
My mother was a truly horrid person. I had to learn over many years that others could not fathom just how destructive she was to all 5 of her children. I have one friend who believes me. Otherwise, I have stopped ever sharing anything about my childhood. Even my closest friends doubt me.
The best things is to casually ask from time to time and believe her.
I can’t see a healthy path for this relationship, although my son does most of the staying in touch and boundary setting. He says some day, DIL may wish they had contact and it will be too hard to regain, so he took on the role so that is an option should she choose it.
Given all this excellent perspective, I can embrace not asking about her mom. And I can read those books, thank you! We already validate her worth in many ways (we helped pay for grad school when her mother put toxic strings on helping, for one ) and I know our love cannot fill the hole that the mother created. And we believe her. Until the wedding, it was hard to fathom, but it was hard to miss.
Being a good MIL means staying out of DIL’s personal business. She already has a mother so be a friend and don’t mother her. Be reactive, not proactive.
