<p>I am looking for advice that parents give their BS kids when they go off campus on weekends. Like teenagers at home, they will go to parties or visit friends where at some point some teens will want to do stupid things. If my level headed S were home, he would know very well that he can call us (the parents) to help or to be picked up from any situation. Now, going to someone’s home for the weekend very far away (a whole continent away) where I don’t know any local parents–what advice do I give for what S can do if he gets into an uncomfortable situation? We are too far away to be of any help and suggesting that S call a teacher or advisor will never happen.</p>
<p>So far we have not given permission for our son to leave school except with a parent that we know very well so we have not had to deal with this yet. His school is predominantly boarders so he has not asked…yet. Is there perhaps a senior with a car that your son is close with, who could be counted on if he was in a bind? Taxi if it is really urgent?? Perhaps a coach? I know our son"s dorm head said he was open to being called on by any student and I truly believe he means it. He wants the kids safe and knows that sometimes they do stupid things.</p>
<p>I guess I’ve been lucky, and my son stays on campus on regular weekends. Future applicants should ask to see weekend activities for students. </p>
<p>He does visit friends over breaks, and has attended parties. While he doesn’t like it, I always call the host parents to be sure that there is some level of supervision. </p>
<p>My son’s school has a directory with the phone #'s and addresses of other parents. </p>
<p>From your posts, it seems that you might live abroad. One way to get more involved in the school is to volunteer to call other international parents for the annual fund.</p>
<p>In those instances when my son was asked to a friend’s house for a weekend etc, I usually verified that the parents had indeed extended an invitation, but that was about it. Mostly, I relied on my son to use good judgment and made it clear to him what he’d be risking if he used bad judgment. While I was always worried until he was back on campus safely, I never had a single problem over four years. I’ll bet your son will be responsible too.</p>
<p>When my son goes away for the weekend, I always call the parents to thank them for the invitation (same as making sure they will be there, but less obvious for my son’s sake). He is almost 19, has committed to a school next year to play Div. I lax, and knows that just one bad judgement call could jeopardize all that he has worked so hard to accomplish. It is hard, but I am trying to give him more slack then before. So far, so good.
zp</p>
<p>This is where your son’s ability to negotiate social situations gets tested. </p>
<p>We’ve been very lucky with goaliegirl as she has a good sense of who is trouble and who is not. She takes a couple of weekends a year now (not in the early grades), but actually is too busy with things to have too many opportunities anyway.</p>
<p>If your son (or you for that matter) don’t have confidence in the ability to pick out “low risk” weekend hosts, I might recommend that you develop a list of people your son might be interested in visiting and email it to a couple of seasoned teachers who have these students. Make sure you preface the note as “which of these would be the student/family where your son would most likely be well supervised (or which to avoid?)” Most teachers at boarding schools know who is trouble waiting to happen and will steer you to the best of their knowledge. You should do this work (as opposed to your son), as the parental level of concern will exact a more careful response.</p>
<p>Remember, you have the final say in where/when he gets to go off-campus.</p>
<p>My S has gone twice now and spent the night at a friends house. Much to his annoyance I did call the Mom and verified that she would be home and talked about the kids and what they were doing.</p>
<p>We have had a couple of conversations about attending parties and the trouble available while at BS. His comment was “I know you would kill me if I was at a party where kids were drinking”. My comment was “No, you would lose your FA and that would mean you would have to finish your high school career here at home at the public school”.</p>
<p>His final word on the subject was “That would be worse than death”. I think we have an understanding!</p>
<p>Goaliedad- I love your advice to contact teachers at the school about some of the kids. I think you are right about how well they know the kids and the families. I will probably use your advice in the future if I need to.</p>
<p>all good advice. I have confidence in S’s decision-making and his appreciation for responsibility and consequences. But, even smart teens could find themself in a situation that other teens create, and then, the responsible teen needs to get out of there and call a trusted adult for help. I guess we’ll have to work on getting to know some more local adults to help out (as we are a plane ride away).</p>
<p>At my daughter’s top-tier New England school (she’s now halfway through her third year) scarcely a week or month goes by that several high-achieving “good kids” aren’t expelled or placed on probation - usually for violating alcohol, drugs or plagiarism policies either on or off campus. (It’s a two-strike school, so you do get a second chance, but two strikes and you’re out.) We know that kids have poorer impulse control than adults, and that the teens are years of experimentation, boundary-testing and inevitable mistakes. I don’t think there’s any sure-fire way to inoculate your kid against these things, but a few rules, or really pieces of advice, often repeated can help:
choose your friends wisely; immediately leave the scene if drugs or alcohol policies are being violated by those around you; try to avoid situations (day student house parties?) where these things are likely to crop up. Pray.</p>
<p>checkwriter, as you have observed, is the expulsion/probabtion because of alcolhol/drug in your duaghter’s school getting worse or particularly bad this year, or has it always been like this?</p>
<p>@Benley, I get the impression it’s no worse or better than any other year but each of these tragic stories are gruesome reminders of what a thin edge these kids tread. Last Spring, just before Commencement 12-15 kids were expelled/probationed for a single off-campus party. It’s particularly tough when a kid is expelled close to graduation, occasionally even for alcohol the night before! I always make a point of discussing these incidents with my daughter several times, hoping that something sticks!</p>
<p>The following articles have bearing on this discussion.</p>
<p>[TOWNSMAN</a> EXCLUSIVE: What really happened in the hours before Mun’s death, according to Laurie Zimmerman - Andover Townsman, Andover, MA](<a href=“http://www.andovertownsman.com/local/local_story_006175016.html]TOWNSMAN”>http://www.andovertownsman.com/local/local_story_006175016.html)
[TOWNSMAN</a> EXCLUSIVE: New information on night of teen’s suicide; Zimmerman mom speaks out about Valentine’s Day party - Andover Townsman, Andover, MA](<a href=“http://www.andovertownsman.com/local/local_story_006175043.html]TOWNSMAN”>http://www.andovertownsman.com/local/local_story_006175043.html)</p>
<p>I’ve seen posters on this site claim that there weren’t any consequences. The school did indeed discipline the students involved, and for some the consequences were severe. </p>
<p>The mother of the party’s host feels that her son has been wronged, but it seems that the school’s actions are fitting consequences for hosting an off-campus party at which alcohol was served.</p>
<p>Here’s an interesting link:</p>
<p>[Cluster</a> Deans Hold 17 DC Hearings | News | The Phillipian](<a href=“http://phillipian.net/article/8473]Cluster”>Article: Antonio Pulgarin Speaks to Toxic Masculinity, LGBTQ+ Rights, and Latinx Issues in New Exhibition “Whispers of a Caballero.” – The Phillipian)</p>
<p>Interesting, well-written article I thought:
[Remembering</a> the Withdrawn | Commentary | The Phillipian](<a href=“http://phillipian.net/article/9004]Remembering”>http://phillipian.net/article/9004)</p>