<p>I don’t recall my nerdy son going to parties. Still, he had a small, active group of friends. They’d get together to watch a movie, play cards, etc. Often, 4 or 5 boys would sleep over. As they started driving, their activities expanded. A few girls were in the group. One young man, a math genius in class behind, became friends with my son, both taking classes at the local U. He became part of this group. His dad told me this was his first group of friends. My son left HS a year early, but among his small group, 3 went to MIT. Considering our HS had not had an MIT admit for years, this was remarkable. </p>
<p>My point is to encourage your DD to invite a few kids over. There are lots of kids who want friends and activities during the weekends, and people to eat lunch with.</p>
<p>I’m a non drinker. I guess you could categorize a kid choosing not to party as making good choices, but not really as good or moral. Teenagers are risk takers. The species actually depends on this believe it or not. We shd be careful to stop criminalizing adolescence itself and just focus on teaching kids to treat each other well. Just my educated opinion. </p>
<p>I hope your daughter can find a few people she enjoys being friends with this year!!!</p>
<p>Just because those girls attended a party with alcohol and drugs, it doesn’t make them bad girls. Kids tend to experiment when they are young. Your kid is not that much better for not having attended the party. My very good friend’s daughter just threw a party at her house without her permission, and this girl is one of the nicest girl and very responsible person (most of the time). So, I don’t think it is necessary to judge just based on one incident. It is also hard for me to believe those girls’ parents would care that much about your daughter, unless she has done something to make them not like her. My girls weren’t allow to party as much as their friends when they were in high school, but their friends accepted them and they weren’t looked upon by anyone.</p>
<p>When I was growing up back in the dark ages, I threw a LOT Of parties. I was shocked to learn that some of the girls I invited brought and drank alcohol (& I’m not sure what else) at these gatherings which had boys and girls in attendance. I guess I shouldn’t have been but I was quite naive. </p>
<p>My D has friends who drink more than she and probably have tried other drugs as well. I know that now that she’s 24, she has had some alcohol & I’m not sure how much or when. Since she and her brother already have chronic health issues, I think they’re pretty careful not to have very much or it can aggravate their health issues.</p>
<p>For the most part, I think if drinking and drugs are a HUGE part of what the best friends do, it is more likely that those around them also endulge to varying degrees. Kids change over time and friendships strengthen and wane accordingly, as they should.</p>
<p>It’s unfortunate if parents are involved in their kids friendships and labeling or judging other kids by their choice not to indulge in the same drinking & drugs as their kids. To the best of my knowlege, parents in our kids circle just encouraged the friendships and didn’t get involved in praising or dissing any kid or friend.</p>
<p>I’ve had a parent tell me to “watch out” for a certain kid, but i did not take it so much as “judging” the kid on a whoe and more about telling me to just keep an eye on things which I appreciated. The kids are still friends and 22 now, but ironically THAT kid never got it trouble with the law…never got caught anyway. I, like poet, struggle with the criminalization of young adults since the drinking age changed. I just feel badly for kids sometimes and it really alters their perceptions about law and police and it drives activities underground which I think is a major contributor to the binge drinking we see in colleges. They get alcohol in their system as fast as possible and as much as possible quickly in the safety of their room so they can go out in public and that in itself is terribly dangerous. </p>
<p>I could not possibly agree more, momthree. If we would legalize beer and wine at 19, there would be so fewer alcohol related issues on college campuses, it would be staggering. These kids drink so damn much hard liquor simply because they can’t just have a beer at the keg, it’s lead to increases in all sorts of problems, including alcohol overdose and rape.</p>
<p>We should revisit this as a matter of public policy.</p>
<p>I just mentioned this thread to my son while skyping with my grandson…his comment was do people who are the parents of the partiers ever post complaining about the non-partiers who won’t hang with their children any more? And this was from the son I mentioned above, who was not–and is not-- a party person.</p>
<p>I’m confused by this, OP. How did this mother “drag” your daughter into this situation? Did she accuse her of “ratting” (God, I HATE this term) them out? Please elaborate.</p>
<p>My daughter is left out of gatherings because it is known by the friends that she doesn’t and won’t partake in any of it…can’t say we didn’t have a couple of incidents of underage drinking with her older sisters when they were in high school…I chalked it up to typical teenage experimentation My husband and I , comparatively speaking were WAY wilder than any of our kids are / were.
I feel a bit bad that my 17 year old is left behind with a lot of social events because she doesn’t drink. This is her choice, and yes, I DO know that she doesn’t , despite some posters suggesting otherwise.
When our older girls were teens, we allowed them occasional wine with dinner , special celebration. @Joblue, up until about 6 months ago, our house was often a gathering place for several of her friends . We have a set up in our garage ( in-law apartment ) where girls and boys would hang out, play board games, watch movies and play Nintendo…my daughter told me that some of the boys suggested bringing alcohol over , which they could have done ( but it didn’t happen ) We decided that we didn’t want to tempt fate anymore so we stopped hosting.
One of the mothers ( who we know well ) was very upset when she found out that her daughter lied about going to the party where the drinking and smoking was going on and told her darling that she can’t trust her any more and suggested that we didn’t monitor the kids well enough when they were here during their gatherings.
The daughter told my girl that in her mother’s ranting about being lied to that she thought my daughter was to blame…my daughter was upset because out of the 4 of them, she is the ONLY one who hasn’t done any of that , but feels singled out because she is also the only one of them who isn’t in the top 10 of her class.
Also, what teenager doesn’t worry about what people think of them ?</p>
<p>I don’t want her to feel pressured into doing something she strongly objects to just to please others.
Also , I am alarmed at the volume of drug use with this age group…7 years age difference between he closest sister , and a LOT has changed</p>
<p>Sadly, doing the right thing often has consequences and being a law-abiding, non-drinking, non-drug using teen means that they won’t be popular with the kids who do these things. This can be hurtful to kids who formerly had friendships with the wilder type kids but it’s something that needs to be a teaching moment.</p>
<p>FWIW, I believe that your daughter’s behavior is as you describe if she’s never given you reason to doubt her. Those kids who (and parents whose kids) drink, use drugs and have sex in high school really need to believe that ALL kids do these things and that those whose parents don’t believe their kids do, are simply naïve. It’s pretty sad but such is the culture we live in.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t discuss this situation with the mother in question unless she brings it up with you. So far, it’s just hearsay from the kid who got in trouble and you need to help your daughter grow a thicker skin. At the age of 17, it’s time to learn to own her own decisions and dismiss these ex-friends from her life. She’ll be in college soon and can make friends with whom she has more in common.</p>
<p>While I am sure that the mother’s comment irritated you, I agree that you should let the matter lie. I honestly do not see the issue here - your D is doing the right thing - I would be ecstatic. She has no future with these girls as she is not going to participate in the drinking and the drugs. Good riddance.</p>
<p>I agree with HarvestMoon. For the record, I did not drink or use drugs in high school, or smoke or indulge in a lot of the things going on them. To this day I don’t use illegal drugs nor do I smoke anything. Don’t drink much alcohol; just a tasting or toasting amount. I wasn’t the only one, never was, and it was never anything that alone made anyone a social pariah. </p>
<p>I completely believe you when you say your daughter isn’t doing these things. I also believe that when a kid makes this choice, which is an excellent and commendable choice, by the way, they sometimes find they need to find new friends. Sad but true. </p>
<p>By college, I really don’t think anybody cares. But, it’s probably a “thing” in HS and they probably still do.</p>
<p>And if she spends a few saturday nights in without anything to do that is o.k. too. Make it family time or call her cousins and arrange a get together, do a family dinner or movie………</p>
<p>I always hesitate to use the words “all” and “never” when dealing with young adults. </p>
<p>To my knowledge neither of my d’s drank or did drugs while they were in high school until the very end of senior year. (At least that is what they told me and I had no reason to doubt them.)</p>
<p>Their behavior was their personal choice and what I had hoped for as a parent. (I made it clear to them that while I think the current laws are ridiculous and encourage binge drinking, that I still did not want them to drink while under the age of 18 and in high school.) </p>
<p>By the end of senior year the vast majority of kids in their high school had either experimented personally with alcohol and pot–or had attended gatherings where others did. That is the world they live in and certainly the world they will need to navigate when in college. </p>
<p>The faster/ cool kids started experimenting in 9th grade. But by 12th, even the “good” kids either experimented or were friends with kids that did. </p>
<p>That did not mean that the kids were always having blow out parties or getting drunk to the point of hospitalization. But at times, drinking/ smoking was a matter of course. Kids were not labeled by whether they drank or not by senior year. No one cared if you said no on occasion or if you never drank at all. There was acceptance by the kids of each other’s personal choices. </p>
<p>I think that the OP and her D may be doing a lot of labeling of kids and categorizing them into good and bad. Of course you can judge a kid who continually gets drunk to the point of unconsciousness, but to label kids who might occasionally drink or who are willing to attend gatherings where others might drink is being super judgemental. </p>
<p>I would suggest to the OP that she speaks to her D about accepting other’s choices and making her own decisions as an individual. I’m sure that even at parties that have drinking, there will be those who chose not. And I’m sure that the kids that the OP has labeled as “bad” do many other activities that do not include drinking. </p>
<p>The world is not black and white. The OP’s D needs to navigate through the grey areas to find her way. </p>
<p>^ Similarly, if your D shares the same view, that somehow not drinking or smoking is the “moral high ground” she might have a heck of a time finding friends in college. Not because everyone drinks or smokes (they don’t) but because people don’t generally like being around people that feel morally superior to them. </p>
<p>When my daughter was 18, I took her to an outdoor festival, with camping.
She was shocked and appalled that those next to us ( Microsoft types) were smoking marijuana.
This was before legalization.
They weren’t being obtrusive, but it bothered her, because there was a child ( herself) present.
Now she is a lot more relaxed about it.
Me too.
I try not to label people, because its the behavior I might object to, not the person.</p>