<p>My youngest has pretty strong sense of self and refusal to indulge in underage drinking, smoking pot…she has also always been the underdog with her closest friends when it comes to their academic scores and stats. She isn’t even close to them when it comes to their class ranks, GPAs and status in general as the top students of her soon to be senior year of high school .
In the spring , three of her closest friends were ratted out for attending a party where there was underage drinking and drug use. She was not there ( not even invited ) These are girls she has been friends with since elementary school, and one of the mothers was really upset and dragged my daughter into it, despite the fact that she wasn’t even involved. My daughter feels like the parents of these " friends " look down upon her because she isn’t in NHS , one of the top ten of the class, etc. It has been a struggle in a way because one of the mothers is married to a business associate of ours and that has become a slightly uncomfortable issue as they are a close knit, seemingly stable family.
I am very proud that my child has chosen the higher moral ground and doesn’t succumb to peer pressure, but I also dread that she is entering her senior year and has become the social pariah to some extent because she is a good girl
She is far from perfect because she is spoiled when it comes to getting away with not doing the chores her older sisters did ( 7-10 year age differences ) and dad buys her stuff she doesn’t need…stuff like ukeleles , computer software, etc.
There is part of me that would like to tell the parents of these " perfect " girls that they need to keep a better eye on their kids, but part of me that says I should sit back and watch the potential risk of them screwing up their lives</p>
<p>She’s friends with the wrong people. Simple as that. If those girls are truly her friends I doubt she will become a social pariah. Why? Because she has friends. Her unwillingness to indulge in risky behavior should cause no rift in a genuine relationship. If it is causing a rift, she needs to find people who better fit her values. </p>
<p>There is too much comparison shopping going on…</p>
<p>Your child’s sense of right and wrong is commendable. The fact that she didn’t give into peer pressure is something to be proud about. Coming from a high school student, I think it would be wise to suggest to the other parents that their kids need more discipline. However, not all parents are willing to accept that their kids are not perfect. It is a touchy subject. Also to your child, high school will end in a year. She will not regret her choice to not engage in underage drinking/drugs. There is nothing wrong with being a good girl. I’m sure there are other people in her school who are in the same situation. She can always make new friends who have similar morals. I know that is easier said than done. Even though she may not be as academically renowned as her friends, her morals make her an excellent teenager. This is just my opinion… </p>
<p>I actually have no use for any of them…she does have a couple of other friends that aren’t with that social circle …one of them has been there for her since they were toddlers, the other is a boy who probably has a major crush on her , but has major health issues and although she is close to him in a platonic way, doesn’t want to encourage him to expect a romantic relationship…I find this generation to be way more complicated than it was with her older sisters. Her so called " friends " are highly regarded in school because of their academic accomplishments , but they are turning out to be not the kind of girls that one would want their kids to hang out with…sneaky, partying liars that will likely skate by with awards and accolades </p>
<p>Honestly, you probably won’t even remember their names in a few years. As long as your kid is okay, it’s all good. All she needs is one or two close friends. </p>
<p>My D is not much of a partier either but unfortunately she seems to attract those that are. In elementary school and in high school the same scenario played out. She was friends with the "party"girls for a few years, became uncomfortable with some of the activities and pulled away. </p>
<p>For D a great Saturday night is to get a group of guys/girls together and do a movie and dinner. But for some of her friends this was never enough, that type of evening had to include alcohol or other substances. We are a family that allows our teenagers to have an occasional glass of wine with us at home and D does enjoy it. But she refuses to take the risk of being caught for underage drinking when she is out. So she would routinely bail when that happened and just got sick of taking flack for leaving from her “friends.” She is going into her senior year and has finally matured enough to realize that it is a dead end to have your social group comprise of people who do not support who you are. She is fortunate to have developed other friendships during high school through sports and clubs, so moving on was less difficult.</p>
<p>The kids and their parents seem toxic to your family. Your daughter seems to have her head on straight. And in less than a year she’ll be able to start over with new friends. When things get difficult, I’d remind her of that.</p>
<p>What is your question?</p>
<p>I’m confused as to why/how the other parent would bring your D into the event from the Spring. Does your D want to be friends with these people? </p>
<p>"My daughter feels like the parents of these " friends " look down upon her because she isn’t in NHS , one of the top ten of the class, etc. "</p>
<p>Why would the opinion of other parents be of any concern whatsoever to your daughter? The only parents whose opinions she should worry about are her own. Why are they of any more importance than random strangers? </p>
<p>I don’t really understand why she’s still around these people. I didn’t drink or smoke in high school, though most of my friends did. We got along fabulously because I didn’t think I was “morally superior” to them. We just did our own thing and no one pressured anyone to do anything they didn’t want to do. Not all drinkers/smokers are created equal. </p>
<p>I don’t understand why other parents are weighing in or why she cares about what they think. I don’t think I knew what any parent thought of me, or didn’t, in high school. Aren’t there other things to worry about? </p>
<p>IMO, she should try joining clubs or outside activities with people that are more likely to share her interests and find friends there. </p>
<p>She will choose her own friends and find new ones if these girls ‘drop her’, but I can’t figure out what is bothering the OP - is it the fact that these girls have great grades and do well in school and still party or that she feels her D will no longer be accepted by these girls because she doesn’t party (which is not a bad thing IMO.) </p>
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<p>While I can understand why your daughter might find being judged this way in the court of public opinion very difficult, I think the best example you can set for her in this situation is to tell her that what really matters is what each individual does, and that you love her and respect her for doing what she thinks is right.</p>
<p>I think you are making a pretty big assumption. Sadly, there is no way you really know if your child is into drinking, smoking, drugs until or unless they get caught doing something wrong. The rest is supposition unless you are with the child 24/7. </p>
<p>You are probably right, your child may be one of many who don’t mess around, but if the friends do, the odds are very good that she does too.</p>
<p>Assuming she really is the ‘good kid’, she just needs to get away from them.</p>
<p>It seems your D does not know how to make new friends. She only has friends from elementary schools? How did you know alcohol and drug were used at the party?</p>
<p>A lot of people seem to believe that there is a bright dividing line between “kids who are good students” and “kids who make undesirable choices”.
Life isn’t that black and white. A lot of people who drink/drug at parties on weekends still do well in school; a lot of kids who make the right choices aren’t stellar students.</p>
<p>In life, people drift in and out of friendships. Your daughter and her old group of friends may be drifting in different directions as they enter the next phase of their lives. Your daughter has an excellent head on her shoulders, a good moral compass and a strong backbone; she will be fine.</p>
<p>I can’t imagine that the other girls’ parents have any judgment on her being NHS, etc., or not. They may think she is not as academically accomplished as their children; well, it’s possibly true, but I can’t imagine any parent saying, “don’t be friends with Mary, she’s not in NHS.”</p>
<p>My oldest son did not drink or otherwise stray off the straight path in high school; a lot of his friends did. After a while, no one bothered to invite him to the parties, because he wouldn’t go. He spent some lonely Saturday nights. On the other hand, he was always included in pick up games on Sunday afternoon. </p>
<p>He was making his social life choices (and I am glad he chose as he did) but he could not choose for his friends not to choose to go to a party on Saturday night leaving him the odd man out.</p>
<p>Lots of wisdom on this thread. @lje62 - we all hurt when our children are hurting. It’s understandable to see those we think are responsible for our kids’ pain in the worst possible light. As other posters have said, though, life is complicated (high school friendships particularly so). Your daughter will never find a world in which she’s always treated well and her values are always the accepted ones. It’s good for her to learn to navigate these situations.</p>
<p>FWIW, senior year in high school, in my family’s experience, is when partying and non-partying kids figure out how to enjoy each other’s company without letting the partying divide them. That’s probably less likely to happen if the non-partiers see themselves as morally superior, though.</p>
<p>^^That’s true. It all washes out over time. And most kids can still be friends with non-party kids (like boysx3 explains) if they are actually friends - at least boys behave that way, I don’t have girls so can’t speak to how girls behave - the non-party kids just don’t get invited to the parties anymore if the kids are really “friends” or they get invited but no one cares if they don’t show up.</p>
<p>And, in our public high school, year after year the kids that tend to get the MIPs etc ARE at the upper end of the class academically. Academic success is correlative to social economics and those are the kids with cars, easy access to booze, money for pot and parents that also tend to be social and not home on weekend nights in our neck of the woods.</p>
<p>I don’t like labeling people as “good” or “perfect” based on their decisions to use or not use alcohol or weed in high school. I think that probably 80% of high schoolers use alcohol or marijuana by the end of their senior years. That’s a lot of “bad” people. Then later, when the high schoolers start college, there are even more “bad” people, if you count under age drinking.</p>
<p>Some posters commented that the OP’s daughter could easily make new friends. In my experience, that doesn’t happen easily in high school. It is hard to join another group of friends. I wish the OP’s daughter my best in cultivating the friendships of her non partying friends, and hope she can make new friends and hold on until she gets to college. She’ll get a reset with friendship groups in college and it will be better then.</p>
<p>On the subject of “perfect” kids, one thing that bothers me is this: those perceived to be “perfect or good” are often moral exhibitionists who drink, smoke weed and cheat like many others, but have been able to fool school officials, parents etc. My abstaining daughter complained that the official “non drinking/clean living club” contained probably 50% partiers. Members of this group were selected to talk to younger students to encourage them to abstain etc. One time, my daughter was selected to be in one of these groups. As they walked to the middle school, several of the ostensible clean livers recounted how load they were the weekend before. And they were the ones who took the lead in the discussions they had with the middle schoolers. The teacher leaders of this group were clueless.</p>
<p>I’m speculating that this phoniness is more pronounced than when I was in high school 40 years ago. Many of us drank and used drugs. I do think that anyone of the users who presented him/herself as “clean livers” would have been ridiculed.</p>