<p>Oh for the days when problems were solved with a kiss and a Sesame Street bandage! S hates his job and his boss, is desperate to get out, but the alternative opportunity that has come up is not ideal, and he is in a quandary about what to do. His situation is way too complicated to get into here, and I’m not looking for input on how to advise him, just venting about how frustrating it is when your kid comes to you for advice and you don’t have much to offer except “go with your instincts” (especially since the last time I offered that advice, his instincts told him to take this terrible job!). Sometimes I’m happy enough to offer a sympathetic ear and a place for him to sort out his options by talking things through, but other times I feel totally useless because I can’t provide a perfect solution. I guess we parents can never get over the desire to make it all better. How nice it was when we were so powerful we could fix everything by just checking for monsters under the bed and offering a cookie.</p>
<p>Agreed. Missing the days when a sticker was quite helpful. Still; I like to think it helps to say (to myself) “its not my problem to solve”.</p>
<p>I don’t know if we will ever get over that intense desire to make it better. Or stop believing that anything bad that happens is our fault in some way.</p>
<p>At least your son actually asks you for advice. I don’t think I’ve had that since the cookie monster days. Come to think of it, one of the last times my oldest really wanted help was in those days, when he was three. Had monsters in his closet, just couldn’t figure out how to get rid of them. After days of trying to convince him that monsters really didn’t exist, we finally gave up, put a bunch of garbage into huge black garbage bags…put them outside, and showed him that the garbage man took them away.</p>
<p>It sure does get more complicated. Sometimes all you can do is say you love them and are always there.</p>
<p>mommaJ- when i hear grownup problems i think-‘i remember how that used to feel’ then i think how i figured it out on my own.</p>
<p>I agree, it’s very frustrating to hear their grown-up problems and let them vent about them without trying to solve them or offer a dozen possible solutions. (Or when you do, they are dismissed as unworkable solutions.)</p>
<p>I remember years ago when our friends, who had older kids at the time, told us “Little kids, little problems; big kids, big problems.” I thought, what could be worse than being exhausted all the time, chasing little kids around, changing diapers, saying No, enforcing time-outs, reasoning with the unreasonable, etc.? Hahahahaha. Yeah, my big kids definitely have issues that are not easily solved.</p>
<p>Yes, our D is in the midst of trying to find housing (after getting her stuff stashed in a storage place & cleaning her old apartment), then moving into the new place and then finding a job or internship or SOMETHING. We have offered to help, but she wants to do this on her own, which we admire her for. In many ways, I think it’s harder for us to be watchfully waiting than barging in and trying to “help.”</p>
<p>Fortunately, my kids try to take turns having their problems, so generally one is relatively stable while the other is having a tough time, so am grateful that right now S is doing OK (as far as we know).</p>
<p>Yes, it was nice when a hug and a bandaid worked miracles and sure do miss those days!</p>
<p>Wow, can I relate to this topic!</p>
<p>I’m currently in remedial parenting classes to learn how to NOT ‘help’ adult son with HIS problems. He’s doing his part by just not sharing most of them!</p>
<p>MommaJ ~ I can SO relate! Yes, we still want to fix everything, but there does come a time when we know we can’t. Now is the time we have to rely on what they have learned, who they are, their values, their principles and their ability to make the best decision for themselves. Sometimes they make a mistake. Sometimes that mistake had to be made.</p>
<p>We went through that exact same scenario that you describe. In our case, he did quit the first job without another job in hand. But it all worked out perfectly in the end. PM if you would like to chat!</p>
<p>I often think that the earlier problems were training for the later problems. My daughter is also an adult and although the problems are hers, the desire to help and “make it better,” as others have said, are biologically based, whether the child is your biological offspring or not. Sometimes I think a certain amount of benign neglect earlier on (within reason, of course!) would have better prepared all of us. Certainly speaks to the caution needed when the temptation is to be a helicopter-- at any age of the children.</p>
<p>My mother always said, “the older they get, the bigger the problems” - she was/is right!</p>
<p>One of you above I think hit it on the nose - often if you as a parent try to offer workable solutions, they only see these solutions as “unworkable” - just the way it is! </p>
<p>Maybe these hard times for our kids we should put ourselves in the position of a “friend”. (Personally, I think that’s fine once they are grown up!) Young adults would gripe to their friends about their problems but wouldn’t expect them to fix it - just to listen. So maybe that’s what we need to work on - the listening/sympathy part.</p>
<p>The problem is this: “You are only as happy as your least happy child”. </p>
<p>I always thought I had a healthy, close relationship with my parents. However, I wouldn’t have dreamed of sharing the details of my adult, emotional/work related ups and downs with them. I shared the big stuff, like “I’m looking for a new job”, but not the daily angst surrounding the job search. Possibly because we weren’t in daily contact with one another? I think we were still making phone calls based on long distance nights and weekend charges on landlines!</p>
<p>It takes effort to untangle ourselves from the minutia of our young adult children’s lives, especially if they are prone to having frequent, intimate contact with us.</p>
<p>This spring and summer a conglomeration of events occured that pushed me take giant steps back and hand over the controls to my young adults. (My husband deployed for a nine month tour to Afghanistan. My oldest graduated, spent a self planned month in Europe and starts his first adult job in two weeks. My second has been working for a year on a project for his university. He had an internship this summer and leaves tomorrow to drive to his stuff to a new rental in his college town, move in, and then depart for Africa the next day for the rest of the summer to work on the project. My youngest is busy with high school stuff. I needed to step back from even wanting to know too many of the details what my two oldest were doing this summer. Things that I would have wanted to know, like “How are you getting from the airport in Malawi to the research facility?”, I’m just trusting that he has figured out.) </p>
<p>We have all grown a lot. I am trusting my young adults to figure it out, and they have (so far) risen to the occasion. Not that I don’t advise when asked, but I’m not involved in the details otherwise.</p>
<p>This thread is really helpful to read. My son is leaving to work in NYC tomorrow, and I am freaking out. How will he get to his apartment, when he gets there he doesn’t have a key, what about his bags, his furniture doesn’t arrive for a few days so where will he sleep, what time will he show up for work, what does he wear, what if he doesn’t like his roommates…I’m just getting started here. What about all the things I forgot to teach him?</p>
<p>He is completely relaxed, and hasn’t even thought about packing yet. I just have to say, I’ll be here for you to do whatever you need, just let me know. And let it go.</p>
<p>Yes, it is tough. I’ve found that my kids are spoiled. They really did not get it as to how the real world employment worked. Yes, the work is terrible, the boss is a jerk, you get blamed for every and anything possible, it’s not fair, etc. etc.</p>
<p>My one son got a part time, “as you can work” positon as a waiter is a not so great place. It was right around the corner from where he lived, right on the subway line. Yes, it was a dump and the owner was not nice. But it paid decently, gave him flexibility and was convenient. He could not get over the injustices that he had to suffer there–favorable hours and tables given to the owner’s nephew, the owner suddenly wanting $1 per soda and half price for only limited entree items, additonal duties added, etc, etc. But the fact of the matter was that it was still a lot better than anything else he could find with his needs. But he blew it off, and that’s what it took for him to learn that there isn’t a whole lot better under the circumstances he wants. It really hurts to see your kids making foolish mistakes, but oftnen, they just won’t listen to sound advice and have to learn themselves. Growing pains. Too bad we parents get to feel them too.</p>
<p>LOL. I thought this thread was going to be about childhood obesity/type II diabetes.</p>
<p>:o</p>
<p>I still remember S landing in Newport for summer internship. He frantically called, said his phone was dying and couldn’t reach landlady who hasn’t showed up with his keys. Phone died just after I suggested he try to meet some if the others in building and ask if he could sleep on their floor until after the landlady showed up. He managed. I remember not telling my folks about the situations that arose until after I resolved them and am glad my kids mostly do that as well.</p>
<p>I think things are different than when I grew up long long ago.I don’t remember sharing any of my problems with my parents. Basically I had to pay for and figure everything out on my own once high school was over. However now even though I’m not what you call a helicopter parent(I swear I’m not!) there are things that DS just can’t seem to figure out on his own and I drop him off at college in 8 days… Ugh . Hopefully I am not going to make the same mistake with my younger two.</p>
<p>“I think things are different than when I grew up long long ago.I don’t remember sharing any of my problems with my parents.”</p>
<p>I remember sharing almost nothing with them also, when I was growing up. The last time I did share something important was with my dad, several years ago. Me and my H had a very rare blowout argument, and for some weird reason, I called my parents to talk about it. My dad’s solution was, “Well, he obviously didn’t marry you for your looks, so just keep that good job of yours and you’ll be fine.”</p>
<p>Oh. Yeah. Now I remember why I didn’t used to share things when I was younger.</p>
<p>I teach preschoolers. The Moms are always moaning about how tired they are, how their house is a wreck, how they were up half the night with a sick kid, how they have no time to themselves, etc. etc.</p>
<p>I nod and smile and tell them… "This is the easy part. It gets WAY worse.<br>
The stunned look they give me is almost comical. They can’t fathom anything tougher than toddlers. </p>
<p>We had some hair raising issues with both our kids between the ages of 16 and 21. That seemed to be the most stressful years. Now that they are 23 and 26, they handle their own business. If I ever try to meddle, DH always reminds me that they are grown men. Neither have gf’s to tell them what to do though. </p>
<p>When DH and I got married he had just turned 23. I turned 20 on our honeymoon. Nobody helped us with anything from that point on…We were 5 hours from home and on our own. I think we “grew up” a lot faster than our kids.</p>
<p>I think for a number of us, we kept our kids younger and more dependent on us. I grew up in an environment where only about 30% of us went on to college. The rest found jobs, joined the military, and most did get married much earlier than those of us who went to college. I went to a college where a distinct minority married while still in school and even after several years. I was 30 when I got married, and was by no way one of the older ones. </p>
<p>Around here, most of the folks I know with kids in their 30s, are not grandparents, nor are their kids married. Hardly anyone did anything but go straight to college after high school, and even those who did not stay there, those kids floundered about still in a dependent state. I think there is a distinct relationship between the age people marry and their independence. Seriously, many of these 30 year olds, and I include mine in the bunch are still dependent on the parents emotionally and directionally, if not somewhat to completely financially. I was independent at age 18, financially and emotionally of my parents. My kids are way behind.</p>
<p>I’ll admit that I do ask my dad for advice sometimes, but he usually doesn’t have much to offer unless it’s practical. He was the first one I called when my car died mid-move this weekend (needed a new battery) and when I was debating dumping my 4 year boyfriend that I was a week away from moving in from. Sometimes dad just knows better than anyone else</p>