I thought a lot about being a parent before becoming one. My parents loved me, in their ways, but seldom showed affection. They were quick to criticize and belittle. I was careful not to repeat those mistakes with my own DS–but made new ones along the way, of course. Maybe he thinks a little too highly of himself, but he’s turned out all right–more than all right. And I have, pretty much, too. Humans are pretty resilient.
There’s a lot to think about here. Thanks for the thread and the chance to reflect.
I should have protected my daughter more from the toxic alcoholism in my extended family. She saw and was exposed to too much, too early. Worst yet, it’s still a struggle for me to set appropriate boundaries.
Moving to the suburbs from a nice city neighborhood when kids were 11 & 6. Kids and parents left behind a lot of friends. My ex really wanted to. Sorry we didn’t add onto the old house or buy something bigger in the same area.
I wasn’t good at keeping my temper with D2 when she was a toddler. She was a challenging child. I finally figured out if her mom wasn’t in her corner, no one would be. Not that I didn’t parent like crazy to try to mold her into an acceptable human (which I think has happened). But doing it without losing my cool took too long.
I wish I’d left my high pressure job earlier. D1 was an easy child, and it made it possible to stay in that job until D2 was a toddler and it just wasn’t working any more. I was the primary breadwinner (higher paying job), but could have changed to something less intense sooner.
I wish we could have had a family like in Meet the Austins by Madeleine L’Engle. Spouse had no interest in that kind of warm, close, intellectual family life. Ds and I are more like that now, but we weren’t in the early years.
I think H and I did our best and things turned out pretty well so far. Parenting kids with chronic illnesses when you are also adjusting to your chronic condition presents some interesting challenges. Overall, we and the kids have been pretty pleased with our lives as they’re evolving so far. That’s good enough for all of us.
I am tempted to say that my worst mistake was not getting braces for my daughter when she was young. Up until she was about 15, her tooth alignment looked fine, but there seems to have been a hidden problem. My brother, my father, and I did not have braces when we were growing up. My mother and my spouse did have braces, and their teeth became more crooked than anyone else’s in the family. Not, I think, for lack of using retainers.
On the other hand, my daughter was and is quite sensitive to any kind of physical irritation. Seams in clothing and especially in socks bothered her, definitely from toddler-hood on. I am not sure whether she could have handled braces at 15.
Two courses of Invisalign later, and her teeth are not yet straight.
Yes, I wish we had taken a summer trip every year to some city, be it Charleston or,London. I wish I had taught him to ski and insisted on dance lessons. I wish he had been raised in a loving family with a good dad and siblings. But he did have the best grandparents, a group,of close friends ( he was just at the wedding of his friend since age 3). Most importantly, he had my full &unconditional love.
I truly believe that the CC community is made up,of,parents who care deeply about their children and try to provide the best experiences & opportunities.
“Unschooling” my two oldest during high school. Not the best thing in a lot of ways.
Some of the boys’ home haircuts–yikes!
Paying for D#1 to go to art school.
A million other things that could’ve been better-- but we did the best we could under the circumstances.
Not finished yet as my youngest two are 14 and 16. Oldest two are married. Three in the middle are doing fine. We are have been very fortunate. Everyone has their issues. But nothing major.
Oh my gosh! This might be the most honest thread I’ve ever Seen on CC.
My mom always said that everyone should be issued a practice kid first. And our oldest did get the brunt of our more anxious and ridiculous parenting mistakes.
I wish we had made more of an effort to insist our kids learn practical skills that are important in life, but not valued in our highly educated, wealthy community. I wish they had spent more time with us as we fixed the sink or toilet, or hung a ceiling fan or regrouted the shower or replaced the innards of the toilet.
I believe that we all do the best we can with what we know at the time.
I think my biggest regret as a parent was not recognizing that my D, during her college years, developed anxiety and I didn’t see it. Didn’t know anything about anxiety and she also did a good job of hiding it. And, of course, once I did know, my ability to “control” or influence her was and still is somewhat minimal. Remains up there with my top one or two things that keep me up at night.
Just asked D about this – adding to my list, she completely agrees with a suggestion from me that I should have had my kids do more chores than they did.
My biggest regret came when I didnt listen to well intentioned advice from those more experienced than I. They should’ve cracked me over the head instead of being nice about it at the time. Wish I’d had CC at the time as that sounding board.
I think it’s a good exercise to examine your possible “mistakes”. Not to beat yourself up but hopefully someone else can learn.
And advice is positive also —the best advice I ever got was “enjoy your kids at every age”. They change constantly- soak up the moments.
@eastcoascrazy I’ve used the ‘practice kid’ line on my oldest… I guess that was another mistake… we gave her crap for getting A-'s in 9th grade. And then of course she did eventually get a few B’s later, and then our other kids also had B’s. By the time the youngest was in middle school I really didn’t care much about middle school grades any more (I mean, I wanted them to put in their best effort, but I know that there was only so much I could do about their own lack of follow-through on turning everything in plus teacher quirkiness on grading standards). So youngest was getting a C in English in 7th grade and oldest gave me a lot of crap about how I’d been on her for her A- in 9th and I made some crack about how she’d been our practice child… (but also then explained that 9th does matter more than 7th… and apologized that I didn’t realize that A- vs A really didn’t matter at their high school as far as the GPA calculation).
I like “practice kid” and obviously that’s what happened with our oldest unfortunately.
Still, even though I’m a “problem solver” by nature for everything from board games to life situations, I’ve seen enough examples at school to know that parents are only a small part of the equation for who our kids become. Genetics and intrinsic drive mean so much. So many parenting styles work to produce a well adjusted successful adult - and those same styles can lead to much worse. It depends a ton on the kid.
I’ve often thought that folks with one child (or sometimes two children) who grow/s up to be someone terrific pats themselves on the back too much as a great parent in the same way that the folks with the “not-so-great” outcome endlessly wonder what they could have done differently. It’s not really super correlated for most under the bell curve of parenting.
There is a correlation overall. Kids who lose the parenting birth lottery have a much more difficult time with life and those who win have a definite advantage, but I’m not so sure we have any “losers” in the parenting column on a message board dedicated to college. I know none of the kids at school who I’d consider “lost” in this realm have parents who would know this board existed.
All that said, I’d have still been less demanding of perfection as a parent if I had a do-over and my oldest lad definitely would never have met the toxic adult who ballooned the effect. I serious think we’d have as close a relationship with my practice kid as we do with my other two if I could just change those two things. We were ALL close in a similar manner until he went to college (and met toxic adult).
With my oldest, a son, trying too hard to be both Mom and Dad, or trying to make up for his emotionally absent father. He could have used more hugging and loving and less discipline. I spent his childhood trying to compensate for not having a decent Dad to look up to and then trying to diffuse the anger and resentment because his sister had a father who doted on her.
With D, not sure. Same mother (obv), different father. Far fewer issues, never really needed discipline. She is very emotional but I’m not sure I had anything to do with that, good or bad.
Neither of my kids saw good role modeling in relationships and while I think that is unfortunate I wouldn’t change the direction I took with both of their fathers who didn’t treat me the way I deserved.
my D developed depression in HS. I made the mistake of not trying to understand it or her, but rather wanted to mask it all with new makeup, haircuts, clothing, smiling.
I’m naturally a perky person; and just didn’t get or relate to this, or take the time to truly understand this. i’ve regretted that mistake; things are much better now. My 13 yo now feels like she’s under the microscope as I’m really watching her now. (ok i will just add: social media sucks for teen girls.)
Obviously I’ve made parenting mistakes, but no big ones. The minor ones I’ve made we laugh about. When I was diagnosed with cancer in 2017 (I’m in remission!?) telling my kids was just the most horrible experience. However, after their initial shock and sadness, they were so supportive and were very open about how much they appreciate me and how they feel lucky that I am their mom. I get tearful thinking about it.
I guess my point is that parenting is difficult and confusing and exhausting- but for the most part we do the best we can in the moment. I’m thankful that I learned long ago that it’s the journey that’s important.
With my oldest, my mother was her babysitter -which I am grateful for and believe it was for the best. However, I allowed my mother to act as a third parent, which caused problems later when my mother was elderly and, frankly, toxic. I should have set better boundaries.
With the youngest, this won’t surprise anyone who has read my posts over the years, I have babied and pampered him too much. Being the baby and much younger, I wanted to hold on very tight. Unfortunately, he needs to step up and take control of his life and neither of us knows how that should happen. He’s also not motivated because it works very well for him. I’m considering a life coach, but I’m not quite sure where one finds such a person.
Goodness I’ve made so many mistakes. But the two big ones that I truly regret for each one is
DS#1: I was really good friends with this woman in our neighborhood and our sons were the very best of friends for 5 years. When they were 10, this women was leading a life I didn’t respect after she divorced her husband. She changed and our friendship changed. I think it was mostly my fault since I turned my back on her and her new lifestyle. She continued to try to reach out, but I refused. The collateral fallout was those boys never really saw much of each other again. I ruined that friendship for my son and regret it to this day. I’m not very forgiving, my very worse fault. We could have had some sort of relationship for the boys sake. But I wouldn’t.
DS#2: When in high school, there was a girl he started having a crush on. I nixed it. I’m so ashamed and sorry that I did that, I don’t even want to tell you why. I regret it to this day, more than the above. I think it has had long term effects of how DS views me, although we are still very close. It makes me sad to even think about it.
Hmm… I would have worried less about which schools they attended and who their teachers were. I would not sent DS down the hill on a bike with training wheels, or allowed DH to supervise toddler DD on top of a play structure. No lasting damage for either events, but they were pretty traumatic experiences for all of us. We did a lot right - loving, structure, music, friends, frugality - but I don’t think we can take any credit for who our kids are. They are just their own person, right from the beginning, and I really feel that nurture is a very small part of the end result. Love my kids and luckily, they seem to both like and love DH and me.
