Bittersweet moment almost upon me

Parents Forum
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<p>In less than one week my husband and I will be dropping off our firstborn at college over 800 miles from home. While I am as proud as I can be of our son and his accomplishments, I am already feeling some underlying sadness that he will no longer be a daily part of our lives. I know in my brain that this was the goal of our parenting, to develop an independent adult, but my heart is heavy at the end of this stage of life.</p>

<p>Unlike some, we have had a wonderful final summer with our son, no big drama or fights. In fact, he has opened up more to us than we are used to and he has participated in family events in ways we never expected. This may be making it even harder for me to say those goodbyes. Yes, he’ll be home once in October and again at Christmas (no Thanksgiving due to marching band requirements), but that is just not the same as daily face-to-face contact. </p>

<p>I know he is nervous too, moving so far from home, friends, his little brother and his dog. I don’t want to add to his stress level, especially on drop-off day. Any tips from those who have been through it on how to keep it together on dorm move-in day? We’ll be on campus all day - we can’t leave until after a dinner put on by the band department.</p>

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<p>Valium? ;)</p>

<p>No, seriously, you’ll be sad. He’ll be embarassed. All the moms and most of the dads will shed a tear or two. It’s a big day.</p>

3

<p>This may sound silly, but try to check in before your roommate. For some reason, it does not seem so overwhelming when you get your child’s stuff in the room first:) Also, try to pack a cooler of cool drinks and a few snacks. Finally, remember to bring duct tape and a tool kit. Good luck. It really is a special day.</p>

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<p>No problem on the checking in early - the freshmen band members move in three days before other freshmen are allowed to move in. My son has talked to his future roommate via phone and IM and they seem quite compatable, so that is certainly one less worry. And the tool kit and duct tape are ready to roll!</p>

5

<p>This month, give yourself as many chances as you can to observe him doing things on his own - you’ll see what a good job you did, and how it’s time to let go. Take some extra family videos to watch later when you’re missing him. </p>

<p>On move-in day, get to know the other parents and you’ll see how common your feelings are. The kids will be beginning their great adventure, focused on going forward; don’t expect much in the way of tender goodbyes. Find some task to keep yourself busy so you don’t feel overwhelmed.</p>

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<p>I would suggest that when the time comes to say goodbye, don’t drag it out. Give him a hug and a kiss and leave. You can cry all the way home if you like. Once you get home, stay busy. Get involved in a new project if you can or do something that you have been putting off for lack of time.</p>

7

<p>We’re also leaving a week from today to bring my daughter to her school 2000 miles away. Honestly, it would be just as bittersweet if she was going 15 minutes away. It is the end of an era, but I keep telling myself it is also the beginning of an exciting new one. Maybe in a few months I’ll even start believing that. Like 2sonmama, we have enjoyed an exceptional summer with my daughter, but she is ready to spread her wings and fly. I am happy and excited for her, and know she will be fine. But those darn tears have a funny way of sneaking out anyway. When the moment comes to say goodbye, I can not predict how I’ll act, but I hope to retain at least a tad of dignity. One thing that has truly helped is connecting with other parents, both freshmen and upperclassmen, at the school my daughter will be attending. It is reassuring to know that she will be surrounded by the children of such nice people. Good luck and best wishes to all who will be sharing similar moments in the coming weeks. :)</p>

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<p>As one getting ready to send a sophomore back for the second year, I have to tell you that in many ways I feel I know my daughter now better than ever, am closer to her than before she went away. So don’t let the bitter beat the sweet.</p>

<p>First, IM is great. We ping eachother all the time. Second, it is just amazing how much more I must have learned about life (he he) in the last year because somehow my opinion is much more valuable than when she was in high school. She is now facing choices where I really do know something, vs. the high school choices which I didn’t understand then and I still don’t understand. Third, she sure appreciates any financial generosity more now, having occasionally gotten stuck at school with a credit card bill, and the allowance not due yet. All those dinners out are on her nickel now…</p>

<p>It has absolutely been the beginning of something for me, the beginning of being a woman who has another woman for a child. That’s pretty dang cool.</p>

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<p>I share to some degree these feelings. But we all want our offspring to have healthy, happy independent lives, and now is the time to start. Will I be sad? A bit. But the most important thing is my daughter’s happiness - and she will be excited about the experience. Moreover, she is mature, intelligent and capable - so in whether through dumb luck or effort I feel I have done the best that I can as a parent- and am ready to let her go - and in that sense I will be inordinately happy. </p>

<p>Moreover, unlike many sons and daughters on these boards, I was on my own at age 17 - no father around and an ill mother. This tends to put things in perspective. I was angry at that age, perhaps with good reason. The fact that my daughter (as is almost everyone on this board) is in a much better and happier place than I was seems to discourage any sort of sadness or pity.</p>

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<p>When daughter #1 left two years ago I had no idea how I would react. Even though she was only an hour away by car, I knew it would never be the same. However, the school did such an amazing job at welcoming my kid and being excited she was there that I felt so much better saying good bye. (When we drove up there were students on the corners of streets with signs and balloons saying “Welcome to XXX.”) We pulled up and were greeted by people willing, able and knowledgable who led us to where we need to go, and carried in all her stuff.</p>

<p>When it was time to say good-by later that day, it was with her entire dorm. It reminded me of kindergarten…“it’s now time to say good-bye.” I’ll never forget the first call I got from her two days later. She was very grateful she did not see me in the bushes like she did other parents when she was going from orientation event to event. (I must say, however, that did cross my mind :))</p>

<p>And, now it’s absolutely great. (It was before, but it’s better now). One night this past year (sophomore) I got a call from her saying, “we’re all sitting around and just realized all the advice you ever gave us was absolutely right-on. So we decided to call all our moms tonight to tell them that.” Now that, was a wonderful call.</p>

<p>Now it’s almost time to drop daughter #2 off. I feel sadder this time. She’s going further away, and there will only be one dd left at home. I find myself tearing up already, so I am hoping that I am getting it all out of my system so I can be as excited as she is. Until then…</p>

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<p>Two weeks from today we will be driving our daughter to school approx 400 miles away. Like many others, I have no idea what that day will be like for us. I tell myself that it will be fine and I believe it will. I pray that the Good Lord will keep her as only he can. I pray that she will get along with her roommate and keep focused on why she is there and have a fantastic, safe time.</p>

<p>I am looking forward to this new season in all of our lives.</p>

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<p>Expect some grumpiness on move-in day :slight_smile: You will all be stressed out! :)</p>

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<p>My tips for keeping things happy on move-in day:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>In our household, I like to think both parents are fun and serious but the reality is that I’m typically the disciplinarian and my spouse is more fun-loving and the peacemaker. If you will have 2 parents at move-in, designate the fun-loving or the peacemaker parent as the one who will take the lead. It’s a good day for fun and happiness, not for last minute parental rules and instructions.</p></li>
<li><p>If it’s allowed, take a walking tour of the dorm and look in other rooms. (Parents and son don’t need to do this together.) It’s a good way to pleasantly pass the time and to get new ideas on ways to set up the room or items that you never thought of but that look like bright ideas. It’s also a good way to meet people.</p></li>
<li><p>Use the afternoon to shop for any forgotten items or things you didn’t realize your son could have/would need. It’s easier if you are busy and your mind is focused on what you need to get done, as opposed to what you will be missing.</p></li>
<li><p>As mentioned earlier, bring snacks and drinks, order a pizza, run down to the deli, or just buy something from the vending machine. It’s easier to be happy when you are hydrated and have a full stomach.</p></li>
</ol>

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<p>Remember that everyone else around you is going through the same things, don’t feel awkward. Also, don’t take charge - it’s his college life, his college room, let him do things the way he wants and just help him alone. Finally, take him out to one last lunch/dinner in town before you go. You can even go with the roommate and his family.</p>

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<p>Regarding the use of IM-ing to stay in touch, it has been vastly different with my son than with my daughter. When my daughter left, we stayed in touch that way a great deal, especially during the first semester of freshman year. Although I was careful not to automatically IM her first if I saw her online, she would readily initiate a conversation with me, and it was terrific. The amount of contact did ease off over time, but it was still a comfortable method of staying in touch.</p>

<p>With my son, (with whom we have a great and close relationship) I’ve never once IM-ed him. Frankly, I don’t even think he spends that much time communicating with his friends that way, preferring his cell phone instead. Since he hasn’t ever contacted me through IM, I don’t feel like I want to intrude on him that way–and he seems just so extremely busy, both academically and socially (my d. took on a lot as well, but not quite to the same extent). We are happy to hear from him by phone about once a week, and once he does call, he’s very chatty and shares a lot. </p>

<p>So, I don’t know if this has anything to do with gender, but I wouldn’t assume that IM-ing will be a major source of contact. Bottom line: every kid is different, and the amount of contact is not necessarily a measure of the quality/closeness of the relationship. Another bottom line: it’s a tough parental transition. As we approach sophomore year with my son, I’m still somewhat struggling with it.</p>

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<p>I agree with Donemom. Never IM first. I figured out the times when my three (2D and 1S) would probably be on line and if I had a moment (or two) of really missing them, I would just happen to be on line then. Usually, I would get at least a quick hello. I REALLY love the ability to send a quick e-mail if I have a question for them. E-mail just allows you so much freedom. You can keep in close contact, but there is still that distance that my kids seem to really appreciate.</p>

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<p>10 days away from the trek north for year two of college…it’s a different kind of sadness this year…and a different kind of joy, too. Of course I’ll miss S; but I know we’ll be in touch; I know we’ll stay close; I know this year will fly by, just like last year–and we’ll be one year closer to the time when he no longer comes “home” for school breaks…he’ll be starting up his own home before I can blink my eyes. I’ve learned to cherish college as the “half-way house” of time when my house is still his “home” even tho he’s not in it 8 months out of the year!</p>

<p>Tips for coping that “first time?” Everyone’s different, but here’s what worked for us: distance a bit. S came closer to me when I didn’t try to be close to him. Explore the campus…I stayed at S’s school (lots of parent programming) for 3 days…saw S for a grand total of 3-4 hours over the course of those 3 days…ran errands (stocking up the mini-fridge, getting a desk lamp, etc), walked around campus, both to parent programming and on my own, just to see it…made myself very tired (physically). Take your cell phone and find a corner away from the kids (on a bench on the quad for me) and call another mother/friend who’s living thru the same thing…it helps to release some of the emotion, particularly if it can be done w/out your kid anywhere in sight! </p>

<p>I was fine when I left. We had a “last dinner” (by the school’s design…they even “named” it the “say goodbye to your student dinner”) and then, because I’m an early morning person, I went back to my hotel; slept the night and left for home (a six-hour drive) at 5 the next morning. I was fine most of the way home, too…but I crumbled (literally) as I walked in the door–it had hit me as I passed S’s high school (about 10 minutes from our house)…</p>

<p>Had a bad 30 minutes, when the phone rang…one of my S’s friends, who I call my “second son”…he wasn’t leaving for college for another week…he called to say he thought I might be feeling “kid-less” and would I like to go out to dinner…THAT cheered me up beyond words to describe. If you can plan something similar for you, you might find it helpful…</p>

<p>I was glum for about a week…cried hard the first time I did a load of laundry w/out any of S’s things in it (laugh at me; it’s ok–you can’t laugh harder at me than I laughed at myself!)…then “life” took over. It’s busy. It’s happy. It’s full. And S kept in close touch–phone calls and IM primarily…I found I could cheer myself up by hitting Target and putting together a care package…I love doing that! And S likes getting them a lot, too…</p>

<p>I’ve had a year now…it has proven to me that S & I still have our tight relationship and that in many ways it’s even better–and certainly more interesting–to be interacting w/an adult. That’s for the times I remember to back off and stop trying to control his decision-making–I’m sort of good at that–manage it about 75% of the time; the other 25% S quickly and forcefully reminds me! And then forgives me my lapses!!</p>

<p>Lots of thinking about it…I think the reality is that S going off to college marked an absolute end to full-time daily routine mothering. Most of the lingering sadness is that I don’t want that “job” to be over, even tho I’m very proud of the way the “job” turned out! I loved it. Wish I could do it for a few more years. But I can’t. And it’s not S going away, or growing up, or being who he is, on his own, that makes me sad–it’s just the transition from one life stage to the next when I hadn’t gotten tired of the one that I was leaving when it came time to end.</p>

<p>SOrry to be so long-winded. Hope this helps…</p>

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<p>The best advice I can give for move-in day is to be flexible. The day will be full of emotions for both you and your child and you can’t predict how they will surface. Your self-assured, independent kid may shock you and all of a sudden start to cling and become anxious. Your shy, nervous kid may grow up and blossom before your eyes as soon as they cross the threshold of their dorm room. Take the lead from your child and go with the flow. Let them set up their room how they want, even if it’s completey impractical (they’ll figure it out later), and try to have positive reaction to the roommate, no matter who walks in the door. :eek: The main objective should be to not add to the student’s level of stress and don’t wait until it’s time to say goodbye to impart 18 years worth of wisdom and advice.:slight_smile: </p>

<p>I think one thing that really helped was that we wandered around campus and regrouped before we left. We didn’t walk directly from saying goodbye to the empty car. It was much easier to leave the kids someplace that was familiar and comfortable to us. </p>

<p>Throughout the process, we tried to focus more on the exciting new opportunities that lay ahead and we looked at move-in day as the start of an amazing journey, not the end of an era. I agree with all those who have said that my relationships with my college kids has only grown. This is the day you give birth to a young adult, take some time to celebrate.</p>

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<p>Ah yes. Boys. I have a rising junior son, gone for three weeks this summer, heard from him maybe two/three times. Usually about the World Cup games. By text message:).</p>

<p>Whereas D I can initiate the IM no issue - she likes it.</p>

<p>Agree, boys can be different. What is the old saying? A son is a son til he finds a wife, a daughter a daughter the rest of her life?</p>

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<p>overanxious mother - Your words hit home for me. Thanks for finding a voice to my thoughts.</p>

<pre><code> We are 12 days from our flight 3000+ miles over 4 times zones to D2’s college. Today my daughters eyes are different.I see the excitement, anticipation and the fear. Summer is over. The internship complete. The “girls” are leaving one by one. I feel like the whole summer has been one long going away party.The whole crew (it began with 10) trekking to the airport for last hugs. D2 says she didn’t expect to cry this much. It’s all becoming very real for her.

 I have not seen her campus yet.D2 moves in a week early because of sports. I suspect it will be a pretty quiet day. I am worried about her being alone, but she tells me the team is already planning sleepovers and parties. Her training schedule will keep her busy for the week before the rest of  freshman move in, so DH and I will tour the area, do last minute shopping, basically have our vacation, before we return back to her campus for parent orientation.I need the time to wrap my brain around the whole thing. My husband has promised to hang on tight.

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