<p>So, I have a very new situation. My son’s new step mom has a new baby. Mom wants us to exchange pictures of the kids, (we live in different places), talk, and get to know one another. I don’t have a problem with this and hope it works out for the kids sake. I am not forseeing any problems. Anyone have a blended family situation that might be similar? If so, how did it work out for you, (positive, negative, still working on it)?</p>
<p>My mother is on reasonably good terms with my father’s ex-wife, I believe, but the foundation of their relationship is the fact that my father still gets along well with his ex- in-laws. I’d say try it out with a casual, friendly relationship, and see how it works out. I’d be careful about becoming best friends or something like that, but getting to know one another sounds like a pretty safe start.</p>
<p>Is the new baby the child of your ex-husband? I am a little lost here…</p>
<p>“Is the new baby the child of your ex-husband? I am a little lost here…”</p>
<p>Yes, she is. There lies the tie that binds, lol.</p>
<p>Corranged, I agree. I am not looking for a new best friend. I would love for my son to have a relationship with his new sister, and I know that it could never be exclusive of us mothers, so I am hoping for the best.</p>
<p>I became friends with my D’s stepmom. She has never been anything but kind and polite to both my D and to me. It was well worth the effort to get along with her, though she never caused us any problems. She is truly a good person. If my D or I ever needed help we could call on her at any time. </p>
<p>If you get along with her and model a positive relationship with her, it will help your son in many ways. It’s a good idea to take things slowly, of course, till you get to know her better, but cordial relations among all parties in blended families is a blessing.</p>
<p>My husband’s ex wife refers to me as her “wife in law.” (It is meant nicely, more familial than “my D’s step mother” or my “ex’s wife.”) It wasn’t easy to launch but I know it has been very, very nice for my D to have HER whole extended family getting along.</p>
<p>My closest friend grew up in a VERY blended family. Both parents remarried - several times! She had step siblings, half siblings, ex-step siblings, ex-step parents – you name it. She was blessed in that the adults in this large, complex clan were all on good terms. She speaks of her childhood with awe. And about all the adults in her childhood with enormous respect.</p>
<p>We actually have friends - two sets of couples - who divorced following something like 15 or so years of marriage - and married each other’s spouses. Children of the same ages in both families. Somehow, everyone gets along perfectly, everyone is mutually supportive, there are no disagreements (or at least none that we detect or ever hear about) and they even all come to the same holiday and social events. I don’t understand it, but, it works perfectly and they’re all very happy.</p>
<p>It is wonderful for everyone concerned if relationships can be kept positive. I grew up with a great example of a peaceful divorced family. My dad married 3 times, my mom being the first. She and the second wife were very close. It didn’t start out to be especially positive, but the second wife tried to build a relationship, and due to her engaging personality, things just grew from there. Everyone truly enjoyed each other. We had Christmases together, birthdays, went camping a few times with the first wife’s kids from her first marriage, and us three, plus my mom. I do think the adults were very tolerant individuals, all. When she split from my dad, we all stayed close to her, till she passed away. </p>
<p>The third wife and my mom have not lived on the same continent, so have rarely been in contact, but their few interactions are cordial. The values are so different that I have a hard time imagining them becoming close. I’m very close to her and her son from a previous marriage, however. Some of the dearest people in my life. </p>
<p>When I ended up divorced, I envisioned at least a working relationship with the woman the ex ended up living with. It was glacially polite, though I invited them over, tried to have the same sort of inclusive family I grew up with. My efforts were rebuffed for the most part, as more distance was desired on their side. I’m sad for my kids, as well as for the ex and I. No fun to have Christmas, birthdays with kids on an every other year basis only. And it makes for kids who tend to feel excessively courted by one side or the other, and can give them too much power. </p>
<p>A little far afield from your original question. But yes, facilitate that relationship.</p>
<p>My DH’s mom was never kind about his visits to his Dad and step mom- it still makes him sad. I can see in retrospect that she really sabotaged the relationship whenever she could, kind of a “he’s mine” attitude about her son.</p>
<p>My advice is to do anything you can to allow your son to have as much high quality time with his Dad, and therefore Dad’s new family, as possible. Being warm and kind with the new family can’t hurt.</p>
<p>S’s mom and I divorced after 16 years of marriage when he was an infant. I stayed good friends with Ex’s Sister and her H. In fact Ex’s sister was the one who told Ex when I remarried 2 years later (to a wonderful woman a year OLDER than my Ex). The blend at first was logistic because Ex worked and my W didn’t.</p>
<p>Although it was never “ugly,” peace was fully declared when Ex was late to S’s puppet show in 2nd grade and my W was there with pre-school niece and nephew (my W’s sister’s kids) and W saved Ex a seat.</p>
<p>Over the years, my Ex and my father-in-law (new W’s dad) became great friends because he always attended the arts/musical performances of my S (who of course had no actual realtionship to him, he was sort of step-granddad). By middle school we had Ex for the Holiday meals when S was with me for that Holiday. Ex did not reciprocate on holidays when S was with her because her dad was “hard-core” and never could get past the divorce.</p>
<p>Ex and I attended all the school and parent/teacher events. S’s senior year in HS Ex, me and my W were the parent tri-chairs for the Senior’s auction to raise money for senior events. Several people did not know that Ex and I weren’t married to each other. The school’s rules gave all families 6 reserved seat tickets to the HS graduation assemble and the divorced families had to share.</p>
<p>Well, my parents and my W’s parents were all dead, so I gave the Ex my extra ticket. Ex’s dad and his W (he had divorced and re-married before Ex and I divorced and his W also was hardcore about our divorce) attended along with Ex’s BGF who knew me and my W since she often attended S’s functions with Ex. When Ex’s step-mom was left with only the chair next to my W, Ex’s step mom was stunned. Neither BGF or Ex moved and Ex said to her step-mom, “don’t worry, C____ (my W) doesn’t bite.”</p>
<p>Another function during graduation resulted in S and I sitting at a table for a lunch, so Ex’s father and step-mom came up to get a seat. After 18 years of never having said a word to me, I said “Hello, D___ (Ex’s dad).” He nodded and said “hello.” I saw my Ex’s sister at a subsequent function that weekend. She told me that her Dad had told her that he was glad that lunch Encounter had gone “well” since HE didn’t think I would ever speak to HIM. Needless to say, what a waste of all those years.</p>
<p>My suggestion is jump into it and don’t assume that anything is doomed to failure. I know our S is better off for the blend.</p>
<p>I think that it is really wonderful that you trying to have an open mind to this relationship. It can only benefit your son.</p>
<p>07Dad, thanks for your message. Your son, indeed, has a great family!</p>
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<p>Thanks for that great documentation of one family’s story, in depth, through time. You made it sound easy, and yet I am sure there were times when all of you adults had to talk to yourselves, gnash teeth at night, hold one’s tongue by day. It sounds like you kept your focus on what counted most: what the child(ren) experience. It can’t be easy (you made it sound almost so!) but what excellent results on behalf of your child. </p>
<p>These big events (school plays, religious ceremonies, birthdays) have a lot of power for young children. Seating is a real minefield, symbolic of everybody’s place and relative importance in the family. I’ve seen people storm out noisily from events over seating, causing major commotions and leaving the poor child to cope with being emotionally eclipsed on a big day. Your families got beyond all that, leaving happy memories for your S of events he’d work on hard to develop.</p>
<p>The OP was interested in how much to strike up relationships with the new baby. I can only feel that having a step-sibling must be so important. </p>
<p>Mileage varies, but since you’re at the beginning of the journey, why not try your best to get the step-sibs together. What’s more exciting to a preteen or teen than having a baby that is half like themself to cuddle?? It can fill up deep holes in one’s soul to experience this connection. Even if you’ve made your child’s life “full” already, it could only get “fuller” we can hope. See where it leads, IMHO. </p>
<p>I don’t know first-hand but have only observed many families over time, and these are my thoughts. I’m closest to one situation where step-siblings grew up feeling estranged because their households differed so much in values; one was intellectual/cultural, the other materialistic. The step-sib, raised solo by a mom, felt the others (and her Dad) have no care for what matters to her, but she goes dutifully to an annual gathering trying to establish some form of relationship. So sometimes it can’t blend well emotionally into adulthood, despite everyone’s best try. But I give everyone credit for trying.</p>
<p>In general, I think kids like to feel they have as much family as possible, as long as everyone is reasonably kind, safe and legal. Over time, they’ll map the relationships that will work for THEM not the parents. Think long-term.</p>
<p>Paying3,
What great advice. My BFF growing up lived in a non-blended family. Every holiday, performance etc. was a nightmare because the parents and their new SO’s were so hateful toward each other. BFF grew up, got married and did not even invite the parents to the wedding. She and her fiance’ paid for it all. BFF hosts all holidays for her sibs and their families and her parents are not included. They spent too many years being used as amunition by their parents and refuse to pass the hate onto the next generation.</p>
<p>P3T reminds me of another point- if your son’s Dad has “new” family, it is easy for kids to feel badly (in the same way they blame themselves sometimes for a divorce) that the new family gets Dad full time, whereas the “old kid” only visits. Anything that you can do to promote that new step mom including your son seems like it can only be a good thing for your boy.</p>
<p>Sarahsmom42 said:</p>
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<p>That is basically the motivation my Ex and I had in refusing to do the divorce tug-of-war over our S. During our marriage, I had experienced first hand the carnage Ex’s divorced parents inflicted on Ex and her siblings with their antics. Regardless of how much anger Ex and I had to deal with (and yes, paying3tuitions, there was a lot), we steadfastly refused to use our S to score on each other.</p>
<p>My S was born when his older sisters (my H’s children from his first marriage) were in their late teens-early 20s. They were threatened by the idea of a new baby who would have their father as a full-time dad, something they only had for a short time. Now he is 17, and you should see the three of them rolling their eyes together over things their father does–“There he goes again. Can you believe it?” Or “He did that when I was your age, too.” It’s so cute–and yes, my H, the object of their mock horror, agrees. Blended families are hard work for all concerned, but as many of the posts here illustrate, there are great benefits–even when you live far apart, as we do. (My H’s ex never blended, and it’s her loss.)</p>